by Lolita Lopez
“The home I shared with Dizzy was cozy. I can make do here.” She didn’t want him to feel bad about the size of the home he was offering her.
“We won’t be here long. I’ll try to get us onto the same floor as Naya and Dizzy. They’re right across the hall from each other.” He gestured to the left wall. “Right now, Cipher is our neighbor on that side.” Pointing to the right, he said, “Zephyr is over there. Mayhem is across the hall.”
“Is that your way of telling me I’m safe here?”
“It’s my way of telling you that on this entire floor, those are the only three men I trust not to take you.” Rubbing the back of his neck, he exhaled loudly. “I know that we need to talk, but I have to report for Grab duty in a few hours.”
“Raze, whatever we need to say can wait until tomorrow. Please, go shower and get some sleep.”
He glanced at the bed. He seemed to be having the same thought she was. “I’ll bunk on the floor.”
Ella rolled her eyes. “Raze, we’ll share the bed. We’re both adults. We’re both tired. We’re going to pass out and get some rest. That’s it.”
He hesitated. “I don’t want you to feel as if I’m taking advantage of you.”
Her stomach churned at the realization he was comparing himself to the man who had used her for so many years. Even though it sickened her to say that man’s name, she stepped forward and put both hands on Raze’s chest. Gazing up at the man who had rescued her tonight, she said, “Raze, you are not George. You aren’t taking advantage of me. You aren’t pressuring me. You aren’t using me. You’re a good man.”
His large hands covered hers. He seemed nervous as he said, “I would like to be your good man.”
“I would like that,” she said, her heart racing with hope and fear. “But, please, Raze don’t pin your hopes on Risk’s surgery. I don’t want you to take me and keep me thinking that I can give you children when it’s likely I can’t.”
His jaw tightened. “Ella, I don’t care about that. Having you as my mate—as my woman—would be more than enough for me.”
He really meant that. She could tell that he was being honest and open with her, proving yet again that he was the sincerest man she had ever met. He didn’t care if she could give him children. He wasn’t obsessed with the idea of having a family like so many of his fellow warriors.
Bending down, he touched his forehead to hers. “I want to talk about this. I know we need to have a long discussion—”
“But you’re tired,” she finished for him. Caressing his face, she whispered, “Go shower. I’ll be waiting for you in bed.”
Standing back, she watched as Raze methodically stripped out of his uniform. He locked away his weapons in a cabinet and put his vest and communication devices in a locker with his boots. There were neat lines of perfectly pressed uniforms inside the tall locker and three different pairs of boots.
She could already see one of their first fights looming in the distance. She didn’t have a tidy bone in her body. Poor Dizzy had put up with her messiness for years, cleaning up after her like a mother hen and making sure her clothes were always laundered and the kitchen always had food. Since Dizzy had left, Ella had been lost. She would have to try to be tidier for Raze, but old habits died hard.
When Raze removed his uniform, she held her breath. He tossed his clothing in a hamper in the corner. She expected him to keep on the tight-fitting boxer briefs but he shucked them and tossed them into the hamper, too. In all her life, Ella had never seen a man built like Raze. Until now, she didn’t even know that men had muscles like that.
He didn’t seem to care that she was ogling him. He walked into the bathroom without a backward glance and shut the door. Swallowing hard, Ella slipped off her shoes and opened the box to find the loose-fitting and sheer nightgown included in the wife kit. She removed the uncomfortable bra but left on the surprisingly comfortable if ugly panties.
Thirsty, she found a cup in one of the cabinets and filled it with water. When she’d finished, she placed the cup in the sink and crossed the room to the bed. She pulled back the covers, slid under them and waited.
Raze came out of the bathroom a short time later. Shamelessly naked, he walked to a set of drawers built into the wall and removed a pair of dark shorts. After he pulled them on, he walked around his quarters, dimming the lights and stopping for a drink at the sink before joining her in bed. He rolled onto his side facing her. It wasn’t a very big bed so they were forced into close contact.
Hyperaware of his body heat, she remained on her back and kept her arms in close. She listened to his deep, steady breaths. When she felt his big hand creeping across the mattress to touch her, she inhaled a shaky, anxious breath. The feel of his heavy palm ghosting over her stomach and settling on her lower belly sent a delicious rush of excitement through her weary body.
“What was your baby’s name?” His normally deep and rumbling voice seemed somehow gentler and softer in the darkness.
It was a question no one ever asked. Talking about the loss of her baby had never been allowed. It was an awkward and painful discussion that no one ever wanted to have. So, she had buried it, pushing it down and covering it with layers and layers of ice until the memories and the feelings were nothing to her.
“Eva.” Saying her daughter’s name unleashed something powerful and painful. Fresh, burning tears dripped down her cheeks. “My baby’s name was Eva.”
Raze slid both arms around her and dragged her into his embrace. He caressed her face but said nothing as she cried in his arms. He seemed to know that she needed to just let out everything she hadn’t said in the exam room.
“When I woke up, Danny was waiting with me. I was so groggy and confused and there was so much pain—and then I saw the bassinet. I could see the little pink blanket, but I didn’t hear anything. I looked at Danny’s face—and I knew. He picked her up and brought her to me. I convinced myself she was just sleeping—but I knew.” She sobbed into Raze’s chest. “She had dark hair. She was perfect, so beautiful—and I miss her so much.”
“I am so sorry you lost your baby, Ella.” Raze brushed his lips across her forehead with such tenderness. “I would give you a dozen children if I could.” He shifted slightly and his mouth brushed hers, his lips surprisingly soft. She welcomed his seeking kiss, the touch of their lips almost shy. His breath was hot on her cheek as he whispered, “I would do anything to make that pain go away for you.”
“Raze…” She didn’t know what to say or how to respond.
He seemed to understand. Caressing her face with his big, rough hand, he murmured, “Sleep, Ella. There will be plenty of time to talk tomorrow.”
Weary from one of the longest days of her life, Ella settled into the secure cocoon of Raze’s strong embrace and closed her eyes. Tomorrow, she thought sleepily. We’ll figure everything out tomorrow.
Chapter Seven
The high-pitched alarm that woke Raze seemed to happen only two heartbeats after he had closed his eyes. He was used to running on low amounts of sleep. His mind and body had been trained since childhood to perform at optimum levels on sleep deprivation and exhaustion.
It wasn’t the lack of rest that made him want to throw that alarm across the room and go right back to sleep. No, it was the warm, small female curled up against him that made him want to stay in bed. He wanted to say fuck it to everything and keep her just like this, safe in his arms and resting peacefully. As much as he wanted to do that, he couldn’t. Today, it was his turn to stand guard so another man could have his chance at Grabbing at mate and starting a family.
My poor sweet baby girl, he thought tenderly and brushed tendrils of dark hair from her face. He replayed their night in flashes of memories. Rescuing her. Stealing her. Keeping her. Listening to her traumatic tale of teenage pregnancy and the loss of her baby.
Raze kissed her forehead and then her nose. The strength inside this woman astonished him. She had been abandoned as a child. She had survived th
e streets that had claimed countless other children. She had lost a baby and had used that pain and horror to fuel her work to build that shelter and fund her charity for street kids. She had built a career in a world that punished women for stepping out of the restricted boxes built for them. She was her own woman.
And I stole her away from all that.
It was a heavy, painful admission to make. He had saved her life, but he had taken everything from her. Her career, her friendships, her fledgling foundation—everything she had fought and struggled to build.
He would have to do right by her. There were cases of other Grabbed mates retaining and regaining rights to their property and funds back on their home worlds. He would have to engage a lawyer as quickly as possible and see what could be done to help her.
His heart ached when he allowed himself to think about the one thing he couldn’t give her. It was a horrible, selfish thing, but when Ella had announced so boldly in his office that she couldn’t have children, he had experienced a moment of hope so strong and so powerful that it had left his knees weak.
Because he was sterile.
The ugly secret he had been keeping for so long twisted up his gut. It was the reason he had given his first mate everything when they had gone through the Discard. It was the reason he hadn’t put up a fight to keep her. Already pregnant with another man’s child, Sossannah had promised never to tell about his medical condition. Despite the breakdown of their mate-bond, they had parted as friends, and he had wished her all the happiness in the world, all the happiness he could never provide.
Terror had taken care of his medical records. He had protected Raze in his most vulnerable moment. In the Harcos world, a sterile male was considered worthless. Having his mate leave him for another man was bad enough, but the rumor of his sterility would have ruined him. He had failed in their culture’s most basic test of manhood and would never have been allowed to have another mate, even if he had earned back the required valor points.
Only the best, the strongest, the bravest males among the Harcos were given the right to father children and pass on their genes. But Ella? If Ella had been unable to have children, he would have been able to keep his secret. The medical team would never have looked beyond her as the source of the infertility, especially with her medical history, and he would have been able to apply for a waiver to keep her as his mate. Vicious would have pushed it through all the red tape.
It shamed him to think he would be willing to hide behind her skirts, but he wanted Ella more than anything. He didn’t just want any mate. He wanted her as his mate.
I have to tell her.
The thought of baring his deepest shame sickened him, but it would have to be done. She deserved to know the truth, especially if Risk’s tests proved her fertility could be restored. She needed all the information before she made her decision to stay with him.
She won’t. It hurt to think that, but he had to accept the inevitable truth. When Ella was healed, she would want a chance to have what had been so cruelly taken from her. She would want the chance to be a mother again, to love and raise a child.
But not my child. The thought was a like a knife to the chest. It wouldn’t be his seed that planted life in her womb. He wouldn’t be the man given that wonderful gift of a child. It would be another man, a better man, who gave Ella the life she deserved.
Thirty days. He had thirty days with her. He would have to make the best of them—and then he would let her go.
Ever so carefully, he disentangled himself. She made a soft, whimpering noise so he tucked the covers tightly around her body. He indulged himself with another moment of watching her before getting out of bed and getting dressed. He moved through his usual routine without thinking. Piss. Shower. Teeth. Shave. Dress. Boots. Tactical gear.
“When will you be back?” Ella’s sleepy voice came from the shadowy confines of the bed.
Glancing over his shoulder, he frowned with apology as he holstered one of his weapons. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“I wake easily. It’s an old habit from sleeping on the streets,” she said, her voice rough with exhaustion.
He didn’t have to ask why. He hated that she had developed that particular skill, but he was most certain it had protected or saved her life. Crossing the small room, he sat on the edge of the bed and reached out to touch her, gliding his palm along her arm. Her face was only barely visible in the dim light emanating from his open locker, but she smiled at him.
“Grab duty and debriefing will take most of the day.”
“That long?”
“You’ll sleep for most of it,” he guessed. “You need that rest.”
“And what about you?” Her small hand moved from his chest to his neck, setting his skin on fire. “You’re running on, like, four hours of sleep.”
Her obvious concern set off something warm and needful within him. He trailed a finger down her cheek. “I’ve gone into battle on less. I’m sure I can survive Grab duty.” He let his finger follow the curve of her jaw to her full lower lip. “There’s plenty of food here. Do you remember how to work the communication and entertainment systems?”
“Yes. Dizzy let me play with theirs when I came to visit.”
“You’ll need to stay here until I return. The only way you leave is if there’s an emergency. I’ll make sure that someone I trust is tasked to your security.”
“Mayhem?” she asked.
He ignored the pang of jealousy her question caused. He knew she had gotten friendly with the SRU soldier. It was only natural that she would want someone familiar as her contact. “I’ll talk to him before I leave.”
“Thank you.” Taking his hand, she interlaced their fingers. “Raze, please be careful down there today.”
Always alert, he narrowed his eyes. “Is there something I should know?”
“I don’t know anything specific. If I did, I would tell you to protect you and your men.” Touching her chest, she explained, “It’s just a feeling. Things have been getting worse down there, especially in the outlying areas and the smaller villages. After last night’s raid, I’m sure people are angry. If the Mouth from the South has broadcasted that tale, it could be dangerous. We’ve got the government arresting women like me and making them disappear, and now we’ve got men like you going down there and stealing them away.”
“I’ve been telling my superiors the same thing,” he admitted. “I felt it before Venom grabbed Dizzy. I’m sure you’re aware of the growing Splinter strongholds.”
She nodded. “Danny and I talked about that last night when he was warning me to keep a low profile.”
“Danny was with you last night? Was he caught up in the raid?” Raze hated to think the man that had helped them with so much intel had been left to die.
“No, he left before the raid started. He had come to warn me that George was looking for me again and that I had made a mistake with those photographs—”
“What photographs?” Raze cut in sharply.
Ella winced. She wouldn’t meet his gaze. “I needed the money, Raze. My shelter was low on funding, and it will be winter soon. Those kids need a safe place to go.”
“Ella,” he said her name with a warning edge. “What photographs?”
“I took some pictures for a magazine where I’m not exactly wearing all of my clothing in every shot.”
Hearing the shame in her voice cut him deeply. Touching her face, he gently made her look at him. He ran his thumb over her pouty lips. “I’m sure the photographs were beautiful.”
Her eyes widened with surprise. “You aren’t mad at me?”
“You weren’t my mate when you took those photos. I don’t have the right to be mad or disappointed in you.” He didn’t like the idea of other men seeing her body, but that was his mental shit to sort out, not hers. Gauging her reaction, he asked, “Are you mad or disappointed in yourself?”
“I don’t know,” she admitted uncertainly. “I liked taking the photograph
s. The photographer is very good. They are beautiful, and I’m proud of them.”
“But?”
“But maybe I’m not so proud of myself for using my body to get money again,” she said quietly. “I thought I was over that. When I walked away from George and cut those strings, I swore never again. I panicked when I realized we were so short of funding, and when that offer came across my desk, I went back to my old habits. I broke that promise to myself.”
He wished there was more time before he had to report to the SRU HQ. She needed him to be here to talk this out with her, to help her understand her conflicted feelings and come to terms with her guilt. Because there wasn’t time for that, he cupped her chin and held her curious stare. “You are a wonderful person. You are kind and giving. You love and care about people that the rest of the world thinks are expendable or worthless. Ella, I forbid you from feeling guilty about this.”
Her face registered such surprise. “You forbid me?”
“I’m your mate now. It’s my duty to look after you. I won’t allow you to beat yourself up over this a minute longer. It’s forbidden.”
She seemed unable to decide whether to thank him or hit him. “Raze—”
“Ella,” he leaned closer and tenderly kissed the protest right out of her. “Trust me to take care of you.”
“I do trust you.” She hesitated. “I trust you more than any man I’ve ever known except for Danny. But…I’m not sure I want you forbidding me from anything.”
He decided not to acknowledge his hurt feelings at her honest admission that she trusted Danny more than him. Of course, she did. Danny had been in her life since she was a small child. He had taken care of her and protected her and loved her. Like a sister, Raze hoped, but he could never be sure. He didn’t want to ask if Danny was the father of her daughter, not this morning, not so soon after that raw wound had been reopened, but someday he would have to know.
