by J. P. Scott
“Do you need help?”
“No, I can do it. I just need to breathe for a minute. This is my mess to clean up.”
“I may be home a little late. I’m going out to dinner, but I can make it an early night if you want me to.”
Ollie could hear Cam wiping his nose and imagined him shaking his head, “No. I’m not sure I’m in the mood to really talk to anyone right now. Don’t be surprised if you find me with a few open bottles of wine.”
“That never surprises me. Need me to bring you anything to eat?”
“I might order in. Don’t worry about me.” Ollie made a mental note to order some takeout to bring home with him after he was done hanging out with Jessica.
“I love you, Cam. This will work itself out. He’s mad, but he will come around. He loves you.”
“I hope so.”
“You’ll be home before you know it. This is all going to blow over.” Ollie crossed his fingers that it was true. Who knew what Mark was really thinking about all of this? He had every right to be mad and upset. Not only did the new upturn his life, but it came in the middle of his trial that he needed to focus on.
Ollie drove to the restaurant to meet Jess. “Sorry that I’m late. Cam needed to talk.”
“What? Fashion crisis?” Jessica laughed as she topped off her glass of wine.
“He’s actually going through some stuff right now.”
Jess nodded, “Uh-huh.”
“Hey, I can’t tell you what’s going on, but it’s the truth. Shit is going down in Cam’s life and I need to there for him. Just like you’ve been there for me. I know you don’t like each other, but I need you to put the normal Jess vs. Cam antagonism aside for a bit.”
Jess shook with surprise, “What do you mean?”
“The two of you don’t like each other. I get it. I’ve lived with it for years. Today, I need you to just have sympathy for him.”
“What’s happening with him?”
Ollie debated whether he should share Cam’s personal drama. It was his story to tell, and Jess was not a receptive audience.
“Forget it. I don’t care.”
Ollie sighed. Jess was one of his best friends, and he wanted her to care about Cam as must as he did. He hoped that they could put whatever grievances they had aside and just be friends—even if it was a surface friendship.
“Ollie, I’m sorry. I know he’s your friend. I just hate when he creeps into our moments.”
“I get that.” It was unfair to Jess that when we were trying to celebrate our hard work together that Cam’s personal drama was interfering.
“Jess, you mean the world to me. If you were going through something and Cam was sitting across from me at dinner, know that I would be just as concerned about you.”
She crossed her arms and legs, shaking her foot as she looked to the side. “Shit, Ollie.”
“Let’s do a big celebration once I get his job.” Ollie looked at her, “I promise, no distractions.”
“Go do your thing with Cam. And let him know that I’m thinking about him.”
Thirty
Cam was drunk on wine when Ollie got back to his apartment. His eyes were red, puffy, and wet. In the corner of the living room was a pile of suitcases and bags, ready to tumble over. He had found an extra blanket and was curled up on the couch.
Ollie paused the video Cam was watching.
“You doing okay?”
He shook his empty glass at Ollie, “More wine, please.”
Ollie took the glass and set it on the coffee table, “I think you’ve had enough for now. Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really. I just want to fall asleep and wake up to find that this was all a dream or something I made up.”
That was certainly a normal response to a horrible situation. Ollie had been there before and wanted to just hibernate in a dark room. The lesson learned during those times was that the problems were always still out there lurking.
Cam could stay on this couch for as long as he needed. However, he would have to face Mark again at some point. If they broke up, then Cam would need to find a place to live and move whatever else he needed to from the house. Work would continue to be a demand on his life; he would only have limited time off. He would need to continue to perform at his job or risk losing that as well. The wine he was drinking was a temporary fix but risked becoming a bigger issue.
Ollie could say all of this to his friend, but he suspected it was too soon for it to sink in. He would need to wallow in this for a couple of days until he was ready for revelations on how to make his life better.
“I have an idea. You can crash here until you know your next step.”
“I’m not sure my back is going to take this couch for more than one night.” Even in his misery, Cam was still Cam. Ollie’s couch was not gay enough or good enough for his tastes.
“What if you take my bed.”
“Are you going to sleep on this thing?”
A plan had formulated in Ollie’s mind. “Why don’t I pack my own bags. I can go stay over at Jeremy’s. You can hang out here and do what you need to do.”
“Isn’t Jeremy out of town?”
“He is, but I know the codes to get in. I don’t think he will mind.” Ollie crossed his fingers that was true. He would text Jeremy to make sure it was okay, but he felt like Jeremy would not have a problem with it. “You will have a safe place through the weekend to hang out, watch TV, eat pizza and drink wine. And when you’re ready to emerge back into the world, you can.”
Cam threw his arms up and hugged Ollie. “You’re the bestest friend ever.”
“I try my best.”
“Any chance I could crash at Jeremy’s and you stay here?”
“I know that you’re used to a certain level of comfort, but you’re going to have to slum it for a bit.” No way would Ollie give up the chance to sleep in that king-sized bed all by himself.
“You’re going to be okay. You’ll figure things out with Mark. I think he’ll come around, but if not, I’ll be here for you. Whatever you need.” Ollie looked at his friend. He was a man who had everything that he ever wanted: a husband, security, love. Cam had it all, but it was not enough. There was something he had been missing. Instead of figuring out what it was, he spent his time chasing after all the wrong things.
Ollie had to wonder if he was guilty of doing the same thing. He had started working out because he thought losing weight and being fit would bring him happiness. He did feel better, but the night that he looked in the mirror with Jeremy, it was clear the reflection that came back was different for each of them.
“I think a few days of isolation will do me some good.”
Ollie lifted the bottle of wine off the coffee table to inspect the kind. It looked more like the cheap stuff he bought than anything Jeremy would order, “Try not to make it all about wine, though.”
“I couldn’t find your vodka.”
“Try not to make it about any alcohol, silly.” Ollie left Cam to pack and put fresh sheets on the bed. He texted Jeremy his plan with a kissing emoji.
As he folded some shirts to pack, his phone buzzed.
“We’ve had one actual date. You’re already moving in?”
Ollie laughed, “It’s not a move I usually make so early. But you’ve swept me off my feet.” He reached over and closed the bedroom door and stepped to the far corner of the room, “Thanks for letting me do this.”
“Your friend is a wreck, huh?”
“We knew this conversation with Mark was coming at some point, just not this soon. I don’t think he was ready for the blowup.”
“I’ll text you later after my work dinner to see if you’re still up.”
“I don’t know…you’ve got a comfy bed. I can see myself falling asleep.” Ollie promised to stay up to talk and they said goodbye.
Hearing Jeremy’s voice, even it if was just for a few moments made him smile. Not only was it a smile on his face, but one that was
deep down in his soul. Had anyone ever made him feel like this?
Thirty-One
Jeremy’s house had seemed massive before, but now that Ollie was alone, he felt swallowed up by the space. Every step echoed as he walked around the kitchen. He breathed a sigh of relief when there was food in the refrigerator. He had not thought to stop at the store or bring anything from home. He pulled out stuff to make a sandwich.
“How is Cam?” Jessica texted him. Ollie was elated that she was initiating a conversation about Cam. There might be hope for them to be friends. He pushed the button to call her.
“I don’t know what year you think it is, but people just text nowadays.”
“My hands are full. I’m fixing something to eat.”
“Are you alone?”
“I am. Cam is staying at my place, and I am over at Jeremy’s.”
She was silent for a few beats, “Didn’t you say he was out of town?”
“He is. Don’t worry, I didn’t break in.”
“He’s a very trusting man to let you stay at his place when he’s out of town.”
“It’s not like I’m going to steal anything.” Ollie finished piling on toppings and combined the two halves of his sandwich.
“I’m more worried about you breaking something.” She had a point.
“Sorry again for taking off today.”
“You did the right thing. I was just disappointed because I really wanted to spend time with you.”
He would have to find a way to make it up to her. She had done so much for him lately. Ollie could not remember the last time they had hung out outside of work. It had been too long.
“There’s something that I’ve been wanting to tell you, but I haven’t known how or when.”
Ollie was about to bite in the sandwich but slowly put it back down. Jess had been keeping a secret from him?
“I’m moving. To Chicago.” He could almost feel her wincing as she anticipated his response.
“What? When?” A million questions were in his head, but he could only manage to spit out the beginning words.
“I got a new job. I fly out on Monday to try and find a place. I’m putting in my two-weeks’ notice tomorrow.”
Ollie was flabbergasted, “You…you’re leaving? You didn’t even tell me that you were looking for a new job!”
“It was a whim applying. I didn’t think I would even get considered. I kept expecting the phone to ring and for the recruiter to tell me that it was all a mistake.”
“But then you yelled as loud as you could, ‘I want this job!’”
“You laugh, but it works.”
“Then we definitely need to celebrate this weekend.”
They chatted for another half hour, switching to a video call so that Ollie could give her a tour.
“You’d better keep this man,” she said.
Thirty-Two
Ollie unpacked his bag and changed into comfortable clothes for the night. He felt fatigued from the day and could not believe all that had happened. Is it the weekend?
He made his way to Jeremy’s man cave and snuggled onto the couch beneath a blanket and scrolled through the option on TV. He found an old sitcom that seemed perfect to create some noise but not demand too much of his attention.
When the credits for the show rolled, he looked at the time. It was getting late and his boy begged for sleep.
“Still up? About to climb into bed,” he texted Jeremy. He knew that Jeremy’s days were busy with work. He might still be out with clients at dinner and drinks, doing whatever schmoozing he needed to do.
He brushed his teeth and looked at himself in the mirror. He felt himself quickly skimming over the parts that he thought were not just good enough. After a week of extra drinking and eating outside of his diet plan, he wondered if he had gained a few pounds.
Stop being so negative. Ollie could tell himself that, but it was so easy to think that way. Look in the mirror, criticize, repeat.
He grabbed his phone and pulled up the pictures. He scrolled back a few months to before he started working out.
Patrick had suggested in the initial consultation that he take pictures with his shirt off. He showed him some poses and angles. “You’ll want to do this on a regular basis. Most people don’t see their changes or progress because it happens little by little. When you can go back and look at old pictures and compare them to current day, you’ll be surprised.”
Ollie had taken pictures as instructed, but he never looked at them. Maybe now was the time.
He found what looked like his original set. He pulled up the first picture, a profile. Ollie had hated this picture and how his stomach protruded out. It was an image he had seen in reflections of windows as he walked by. When he saw it, he would instinctively suck in his gut.
Each angle showed parts of his body that made him sad and ashamed. How many pool parties had he avoided because he did not want to take off his shirt? When he had been invited to Puerto Vallarta, he almost turned down the invitation. He was sorting through mail and came across a flier from the gym with a special for personal training and called the number.
Ollie looked in the mirror again. He did a profile, snapped a picture. The lighting was better in Jeremy’s bathroom, but Ollie knew the difference in his body was due to the hours spent in the gym. The core workouts that Patrick tortured him with were making a difference. His stomach was tighter and more defined.
Still, there was a part of him that did not want to believe it.
He set his phone down and looked in the mirror. Instead of focusing on his stomach or his arms or his chest, he looked into his eyes. When was the last time I had done this?
He saw something in his eyes. Sadness. Insecurity.
Ollie’s focus had been to work on his body, but what had he been doing to work on his insides? If he got the perfect body that he always wanted, would he really be happier? The application process at work had shown him that even though he was good at his job and had big ideas on how to improve the training process, he still doubted that he could do it.
Thank god Jess has been there to lead me through this.
But now Jessica was leaving. She may not be there when he had to do the interview. If he got the position, he could not lean on her to discuss ideas. It would all be up to him.
The fear of failing gripped him. It was more than just his stomach in knots, but his heart raced, and he felt sweaty.
“I want this job!” He forced himself to say it. First, it was barely audible. Then again, louder. He repeated it until he was shouting. He laughed at how silly he much look and sound, but he felt a million times better.
This new habit had made a difference in his thinking about the training job. What else could it be used for?
He stood facing the mirror and back from the counter so he could get a view of more of his body. He grabbed his stomach with both hands. “I love this body.”
What am I doing? He rolled his eyes but decided to try it again. “I love this body. I love this body! I! Love! This! Body!”
Ollie did not expect one day of declaring love of his body to make a difference, but it was a start. Maybe in days or weeks he would notice a difference in how he perceived himself. Maybe he would see what everyone else was seeing. Maybe when he looked in his eyes, he would see someone and something different.
He climbed into the bed and crawled to the middle, rearranging the pillows and fluffing them. He checked his phone and saw that he had missed a text from Jeremy. “Just getting back to my hotel. Will call you in ten minutes.” He had sent it during Ollie’s self-improvement shouting session.
Ollie clicked through social media while he waited. The thought of hearing Jeremy’s voice filled him with joy. That joy was dampened a bit with the knowledge that Jeremy was in Seattle and not here with him.
“Hey, handsome.” Finally, the call came through and he heard the gruff sound of Jeremy’s voice.
“It’s good to hear your voice.”
&n
bsp; “Same. I miss you. And I’m a bit jealous that you get to hang out at my house.”
“Thanks again for letting me. Not only did Cam need a place to crash, but I think he needs some space to work through things.”
“You are welcome at my place anytime.”
“I did a video tour for my friend Jessica. She says you’re a keeper.”
Jeremy laughed, “I hope you like me for more than just my house.”
“Of course, I do. And actually, this place feels almost too big. And it echoes.”
“It is a little bit of a museum. I’ve never been that great at decorating ideas on how to make it feel more like home. You see where I hang out most of the time. I end up passing through the rest of the house without paying it much attention.”
Ollie imagined weekends spent shopping for personal touches that might make the place feel like home. That’s what gay couples did with their time? Did Jeremy and Ollie qualify at that level of gay couple?
“There are some cool shops downtown that have vintage and cool items that are fun to explore.”
“Then we will go shopping. First, you move into my house, not you’re going to start spending my money?” Ollie knew Jeremy was teasing him and he loved it.
Jeremy talked about work and the day he had. It sounded exhausting to have meetings all day and then have to be social with clients all evening. “Do you ever get a break?”
“When I’m home. I think that’s why my man cave seems so inviting. It is separate from the world.”
“I’ll try not to bother you too much when you get home so you have plenty of time to unwind.”
“I can’t wait to see you, but I may need to just camp out on the couch for a bit and veg.”
“Can we do it naked?” Ollie missed the feel of Jeremy next to him.
“That’s the best way. Are you naked right now?”
Ollie pushed down the shorts he was wearing until they were past his toes, “I am now.” He reached down and rubbed his cock. It was already semi-hard from just hearing Jeremy’s voice.
