by J. P. Scott
Ollie rolled on his side, hugging a pillow and trying to stay under the darkness of the sheets and comforter. Why would Patrick want to meet? Beyond the exchange of very personal pictures, they had not shared much information about themselves. Everything seemed cool when they chatted on Flame the other night. What had caused Patrick to call out on Friday?
Another text came through and Ollie groaned. I just want to sleep!
Cam had sent a selfie from the gym, “Getting some cardio in!”
He was bouncing back much faster than Ollie had imagined. Or was he just putting on a good show? Image was important to Cam in so many ways. No doubt he was filling social media with pictures to show the world that he was moving on.
“Work it, girl!” was Ollie’s only response. He wanted to encourage healthy behavior, but he was also concerned that beyond physical health, Cam was not taking the steps needed for the right mental health.
The phone buzzed again, this time with a call. Jeremy.
“Good morning, handsome. How was your night?”
“Can you bring me coffee? I don’t think I can move.”
“Well, Seattle has some of the best, but I think it might get a little cold en route.”’
“How has your trip been?”
“Busy with work. Even last night. My clients here like a long, fancy dinner and shooting the shit with cocktails. I didn’t get back to my hotel until late. Just relaxing in bed this morning.”
Ollie laughed, “I would take that as an offer to get frisky, but I feel awful.”
“Well, then don’t drink tonight. I need you in top form tomorrow when I get home.”
“I like how that sounds.” Ollie was not sure he had totally recovered from earlier in the week and their many rounds of tumbling in bed.
When they hung up, Ollie realized he had not mentioned that he would be meeting up with Patrick later. Did he need to?
They had also not discussed Jeremy hanging out with his friend in Seattle. Was that still going to happen? Had they already met up and played together? Had he been with Jeremy this morning when he called?
Ollie tried to assess how he felt about that situation. Did he feel jealous? He honestly did not think so. This friend was a nameless and faceless person in another city. Would it be different if the guy lived in the same town? Or if Jeremy had more frequent trips to Seattle? Would things change as his relationship with Jeremy grew? Jealousy was bound to grow as his feelings increased and they cemented their commitment to each other. Would they come to different terms about what was acceptable in their relationship?
What also was hard to assess was how Ollie would act if he were presented with the chance to hook up with someone? Last night at the bar, there were plenty of cute guys out on the dance floor. None caught his attention in the slightest. And if they had? Would he have acted on it?
When Ollie thought about all that Cam and Mark were going through right now, it did not seem worth the risk. Would things be different if the two of them had permission? If they had talked about what was acceptable, would there have been rules about using condoms or being on PrEP?
Big questions. When was the right time to talk about them? He only knew Jeremy for a short time. However, Cam and Mark had known each other for years and never had a talk. Did the length of the relationship just make it harder to discuss a topic like this?
Ollie sighed, adjusted the pillow, pulled the sheets and comforter tighter, and did all he could to get some more sleep.
Thirty-Seven
Ollie arrived at coffee having showered, eaten, consumed a gallon of water, and had time to allow himself to feel normal. He had even run through some questions and answers for interview prep. He felt normal for the most part.
He laughed when he stepped inside and looked at the menu. There was indeed coffee, but from noon until midnight there was also a selection of local beer on tap and wine by the glass. The crowd was mainly college-aged students with earbuds in, working on papers, highlighting textbooks, and collaborating on projects.
The place was a good compromise. Patrick had suggested beer, and Ollie had said coffee. Neither one had to sacrifice. Now that Ollie stood and looked at his options, he felt a sudden pull to have a glass of sauvignon blanc.
He settled at a high-top table with his glass and waited for Patrick. Within minutes, he saw Patrick crossing the parking lot and entering. Ollie waved and smiled nervously. Patrick responded the same then pointed to the counter.
What was this all about?
Patrick took the opposing seat with his beer. He tried to look Ollie in the eye, but would quickly look away. “Hey, thanks for coming.”
“Sure thing. I didn’t feel much like doing anything this morning.” He pointed to his wine, “As you can see, I’m feeling better.”
Patrick smiled, grateful for a distraction, “That’s going to be a set of burpees.”
“Then I won’t tell you how much I had to drink last night.”
“I’ve already worked in some extra sets based off of my estimates.” It was nice to have the familiar banter about calories and their countering workouts.
Ollie let silence hang in the air while waiting for Patrick to speak. He did not think he should be the one to pull information out of him. If Patrick had an agenda for their conversation, he should drive it.
After an extended silence, Ollie did clear his throat. I can’t just sit here in silence!
“I wanted to say sorry for missing yesterday.” Ollie nodded, acknowledging that Patrick had already apologized. It did not seem to warrant a public apology as well. Everyone needed a day off now and then.
“It’s okay. It seems like there’s something more that you wanted to say.”
He shifted on the stool, “I guess I felt I owed you a particular apology. For everything.”
“I’m not sure I totally understand what you’re apologizing for.”
“I feel like I crossed a line. I messaged you on Flame and you did not know it was me. It seems dishonest, and not very professional on my part.” He had not yet taken a sip of his beer, but turned the class slowly in a circle.
Had Patrick crossed a line? Gay men traded pics very casually. Ollie had to believe that two gay men working together might do the same on occasion.
“To be fair, I did message you first. I didn’t know who you were, but you had to have known it was me. Why did you message me back?”
Patrick sighed, “You can probably tell that I’m not out to a lot of people. I don’t have a profile pic on Flame. I keep that blank in part because I don’t want guys at the gym to see me and think they can just come up and say suggestive things. I see what the females at the gym have to deal with on a regular basis with guys hitting on them all the time.”
Ollie had seen that happen often. The female trainers usually just rolled their eyes and directed their attention to their clients. However, it had to be exhausting to have strangers constantly approach. Let alone, while working.
“I’m also not out to family and a lot of my friends.” Ollie had to guess that a lot of blank or faceless pictures on Flame indicated some degree of being in the closet.
“We all have our own journey. You’ll come out in time.” Some people were ready as teenagers, others after a marriage and the birth of kids. No two stories seemed to be the same.
“I-I guess I just wanted to be like you.”
Ollie blinked. What did that mean? Patrick was nice, gorgeous, a pretty good catch. What did Ollie have that he did not?
“You know who you are. You seem okay with everything.”
A laugh erupted, “Are you kidding me? Is that what you think? God, I’ve been dealing with so many insecurities. You have no idea.”
“I see a lot of clients. Most don’t come in with the attitude and determination you do. Few work as hard as you do to achieve your goals.”
Ollie batted away thoughts of not having accomplished fitness goals and not being worthy of admiration. There was still much rewiring
to his thoughts that needed to be done. “Come on. Me? What’s so great about me?”
“Just look at you.”
“Yes, look at me. Far from perfection.”
“Perfection? No, that’s not what I’m talking about. I see perfection all the time in my industry. Perfect body, perfect tan. Teeth, clothes, diet, supplements…teeth! Everyone around me is about the one solution to all the problems.”
“Aren’t I chasing after the same things?”
Patrick shook his head, “No, you’re just trying to be healthy and make better choices. Trust me, you have not bought into the whole culture that the regular gym rats have.”
Ollie furrowed his brow. Had he not? He worked out several times a week, deprived himself of sweets and carbs. Except for his recent trend of drinking and eating normal meals, he had succumbed to the mindset that he needed to limit certain foods, work out to build muscle and burn calories, and then look in the mirror to see the result.
“What makes me different?”
“You’re working out for you. You just want to be better. And you’re doing it.”
Ollie’s heard tightened with Patrick’s words. Most of the time he felt he was failing when it came to working out. He always felt like he should be doing more.
“I give you shit for drinking mimosas at brunch, but that’s nothing. So many of my clients are binging on fast food and telling me lies. You are honest and are ready to do a workout to compensate.”
Ollie felt himself tear up and worked hard to not let a tear form at the corner of his eye. “Thank you.”
Finally, Patrick took a drink of his beer. Ollie looked away and took a sip of his wine.
“It’s kind of why I like you so much. Why I messaged you. I thought maybe I had a chance with you.”
What the hell is Patrick talking about?
“Have a chance with me? Why would you not?”
He shrugged, “You’re the perfect package. Good job, you have a car, pay your bills, take care of yourself…do you really need me to spell it out for you?”
Maybe Ollie did need that. He never saw himself as a catch. Most of the gay men he knew looked down on him for one reason or another.
“You’re more of what I would think of as ‘a catch’.”
“Why? Because I have abs?”
Ollie felt shamed for thinking exactly that. “Well…”
Patrick pointed at himself, running his finger up and down his body, “All this is good as long as I keep to the gym and doing what I do.” He raised his glass, “If I do too much of this, I’ve got a dad bod and a shrinking client base.”
If he lost his body, would he be as desirable? Or would he be a profile on an app that Ollie looked at and moved on?
“So, you’re saying you would date me?”
He nodded, “I wanted to date you the day I met you.”
“You never said anything. You were all fist bumps and getting me out on the gym floor to do lunges and squats.”
Patrick nodded as Ollie spoke, “Yes, I take my job seriously. That doesn’t mean I did not have feelings and thoughts about you when we worked out together. Do you think your boner was the first of our workouts?”
“Uh…yeah.”
“You did extra reps less for the mimosas and more for my own personal reaction to touching you.”
Ollie thought back to their workout sessions. He had been so focused on holding his form, wiping sweat from his brow, and making it through the next set. He never paid any attention to what Patrick was doing.
“I never knew.”
Patrick winked at him, “I guess I should have told you. I was worried you would reject me and then stop coming to sessions.”
“You wanted to date me?”
“I’ve wanted to do more than date.” He took a long sip of beer and smiled big.
Ollie almost fell off his stool. Why would Patrick find me attractive?
“So, if I had asked you out, you would have said, ‘Yes.”?”
Patrick nodded. “You’re definitely the guy I’ve been looking for. My mom would love you.”
Emotions swirled inside of Ollie. Patrick’s confession was shocking. If he thought that way about Ollie, who else had been thinking the same thing? Had a cute guy that Ollie had been too shy to talk to been thinking the same about him? Ollie assumed that hot, attractive people had the confidence to ask out anyone they wanted.
“But you’re seeing someone.”
“I am.” But what did that mean? Jeremy was in Seattle with his regular hookup. He had given permission for something to happen this weekend for Ollie.
They both looked at their glasses. “Another round?”
With their second drinks, they moved away from topics of dating or liking each other. They talked about family, where they grew up, awkward high school memories. Patrick talked about what got him interested in fitness. Ollie told stories about Cam and Jess and crazy times.
“Is it serious with this guy?”
“I mean, sort of.”
“What does ‘sort of’ mean?” Patrick cocked one eyebrow in an arch.
“Well, it’s early in the relationship. He’s actually in Seattle right now. He’s going to be meeting up with a regular hook up.”
“And you’re okay with that?
Ollie shrugged. He did not know the answer to that. It felt okay and not okay all at the same time. There was no intense reaction to it, but part of him was uncomfortable with the situation.
“You’re not that serious, then?”
Yes, but no. What could Ollie say?
“It’s okay. I get it.”
They got a second round of drinks. Patrick paid for both. “Let’s talk about something else.”
They did. Movies. TV. Religion. Politics. They made the rounds. They laughed. They asked serious questions of each other and told stories from their childhood. Patrick made him laugh with goofy, almost straight stories. Ollie did the reverse with stories of awkward encounters while dating.
“So, if I show up on Monday, are you going to be there?”
Patrick lifted his glass of beer, near-empty of his light pale ale. They clinked glasses. “I promise.”
Ollie noticed that Patrick was more relaxed than his gym persona. He was less of a “bro” and more of a normal person.
“Two beers in, I should go.” Patrick clinked his glass on the table.
“Me, too. Any more than two glasses and I don’t think I should be driving.”
They walked out to the parking lot. Ollie’s car was the closest. “This is me.”
“Thanks for meeting me today.”
“Sure. I’m glad we talked.”
“Me, too.” Patrick leaned in, pressing Ollie against the trunk of his car. His lips touched Ollie’s lightly, “Sorry this wasn’t more.”
Ollie kissed back, in part out of instinct, but then he responded with an intentional kiss.
The separated. Ollie caught his breath, “Wow. I wasn’t expecting that.”
“Remember that when you are single again.” Patrick turned and walked to his car.
Ollie stared after him. One of the cutest guys he knew had confessed attraction, kissed him, and then walked away. Who does that?
He watched Patrick get in his car, back up, and speed out of the parking lot. If nothing else, Monday’s workout would be very interesting.
Thirty-Eight
Ollie found himself not driving back to Jeremy’s, but to his own apartment. He wanted to check on Cam, but he also needed someone to talk to about Patrick.
From the parking lot, he could see lights on. The patio door was open and there was music coming from inside. That seems like a good sign.
He stopped short as he walked through the front door. He did not even get the chance to call out a hello. Ollie looked behind him and to the number on the door, suddenly afraid that he had walked into the wrong apartment.
“Cam?”
“Oh, hey! I’m cleaning the bathroom! I’ll be right there!”
Ollie stepped in and closed the door. He surveyed what used to be his living room. All of the furniture was there, but not where Ollie had left it. The artwork was rearranged. He looked closely at the walls. Did he have time to paint?
“What do you think?” Cam appeared in the living room and was pulling off rubber gloves.
“It’s…unexpected.” Ollie did not have words for what he was seeing. He’s redecorated my apartment!
“The flow in here was all wrong. I don’t know how you functioned the way it was.” Cam spun and took in his masterpiece.
“When did you have time to do all of this?”
“After you left yesterday, I got to thinking. I could spend the weekend sitting around and drinking…or I could do what I do best.”
“Redecorate?”
“I’m at my best when I’m helping you get your life together. And this place needed it.”
Ollie did like the new arrangement, but he did not think his old way was bad. Cam’s changes had made a fresh impression, but did that make it better?
“I appreciate you doing all this, but are you trying to avoid processing your emotions? I expected a lot of empty wine bottles, lights off, take out containers littering the room.” Maybe that was just how Ollie dealt with his own depressions.
“We all work through things in different ways. I wanted to just throw in the towel and hide for days. I really did. You saw me.” Ollie had and had been concerned that the opposite would happen: Cam would drown his sorrows with alcohol. Wine or cleaning supplies—both could be used to mask true feelings?
“I find it therapeutic. If only I was home, I could finally get all my projects done.”
Cam’s smile started to fade as he looked at Ollie who eyed the changes around him with skepticism.
“You don’t like it. I can see that.”
Ollie shook his head, “No, it’s not that. I just want to make sure you are really working to get a handle on things. You’ve been through a lot this week. We all handle things differently, but the stages of grief are still always there.”
