Kate entered my office and her eyes widened slightly. “I called the cleaners. They should be here in a second.”
“Thanks,” I said as I grabbed my phone and stepped away from the desk. “Make sure they get everything. I’ll be back in a bit. Hold my calls.”
“Yes, Mr. Kinnison.”
I nodded in gratitude and hurried out of my office. I marched next door to Hollie’s office, determined to explain the situation with Sherry to her. Thus far I had not even mentioned Sherry to her, and then all of a sudden, she showed up at my door out of the blue. It wasn’t fair that I did that to Hollie, but I was blindsided by Sherry as well.
Not as much as Hollie was, but I was still shocked.
I opened Hollie’s office door and said, “Hollie, can I talk to you?”
My body froze for a second as I saw Hollie sitting at her desk, with George leaning over her from behind her office chair, his face inappropriately close to hers. Her eyes widened slightly, but they weren’t filled with guilt. There was something else there as if she was silently screaming at me to help her.
“We’re kind of in the middle of something here, Christopher,” George answered, briefly glancing down Hollie’s shirt before he straightened up.
It was then when I finally lost it.
Rage and jealousy had filled me to the core as I stomped towards him. I grabbed him by the collar and shoved him against the closest wall.
“Chris, stop it,” Hollie, exclaimed, but I paid no notice.
George had gone too far this time and I wasn’t going to allow it.
“What the fuck are you doing?” George growled at me.
“Don’t you know that it’s against company policy for a superior to engage in a romantic relationship with his employee,” I growled in return. “Or do you just enjoy doing whatever the fuck you want because you’re the goddamn boss?”
“Let go of me, or I will have your ass brought to the disciplinary board,” George threatened.
“Chris, let go of him,” Hollie begged behind me.
“Listen to her, Christopher.”
I let out a growl and loosened my grip from George’s neck, still glaring at him. “I have had it with you giving Hollie undue attention. I am sick of it!”
“What the hell are you talking about?” George exclaimed. “I’m just being friendly.”
“Oh no. This goes way above and beyond friendliness. You’re shamelessly and blatantly flirting with her. Can’t you see how uncomfortable she is?”
“Chris, calm down, both of you. You’re overreacting,” Hollie sighed.
I turned to her and narrowed my eyes. “Overreacting? Are you fucking kidding me?”
“Hey, you don’t speak to Hollie like that!” George defended her.
My jaw clenched and I glanced at George. “You need to back the fuck off, right now.”
“Or what?” George asked threateningly.
“You don’t want to find out,” I said and glared angrily at him. “If you ever lay as much as a finger on Hollie, I will fuck you up so badly, your own mother won’t be able to recognize you.”
“Wow, that’s pretty big talk for such a small fry,” George scoffed, clearly unfazed with my threats and straightened his shoulders. “I expect a formal apology before the end of the day, or I’ll have to report you for assault. You know where my office is.”
My breathing was ragged with anger as George walked past me and turned to Hollie. “Hollie?”
“I’m fine. Just go, please,” she answered calmly.
“Okay, but if he gives you any trouble-”
“I said I’m fine, thanks, George,” she insisted.
George nodded and left the office.
I closed my eyes for a second and ran my fingers through my hair. This was definitely not how I had planned things would turn out, but in a way, I was glad that it did. Maybe it showed Hollie that I would still look after her and protect her, even if she wasn’t speaking to me.
“Are you out of your mind?” she exclaimed and approached. “You can get fired on the spot by pulling a stunt like that.”
I glanced at her and frowned. “Are you blind or something? Did you not see the way he was looking at you, and down your shirt, or does that not bother you? Are you really so desperate for this job that you would cheapen yourself like that? For George?”
“I can’t believe you just said that,” she gasped.
“But it’s true. You allow him to do that to you-”
“Technically he has done nothing wrong. He hasn’t-”
“There you go again. Always defending him,” I said and threw my hands up in exasperation.
“I need this job like I told you. I can’t afford to just tell him to get the fuck away from me, no matter how badly I want to,” she replied.
My jaw clenched and I shook my head.
“I don’t even know why you’re so angry in the first place,” she exclaimed.
“Isn’t it obvious?”
“No, it’s not. Especially not with the cold and heartless way that you treated me Friday night. I didn’t think you gave a shit about me, because that’s the impression I got,” she said bitterly and crossed her arms.
“Please, just let me explain.”
“I don’t even think that I want to hear it, Chris.”
“But it's not what you think, honestly, Hollie. You have to trust me on this.”
“I don’t know what to think anymore, Chris,” she shrugged. “You introduced me as someone you work with after we decided to give us another go. We decided together, even with the permission of both our kids, that we would try again. We wanted to try again. Or at least I thought you did.”
“I do, Hollie.”
“It sure looks that way now that your wife is back in the picture,” she scoffed and shook her head.
“She’s not my wife anymore, Hollie. She hasn’t been for a long time.”
“You know what, Chris? I don’t know that. I didn’t know anything about Sherry until she showed up at your house,” she said to me and drew in a deep breath. “I trusted you with my heart, I poured out myself to you. I told you everything about me and Kevin, every single painful memory I told you about because I wanted to be honest with you from the start. I wanted you to know about my past that didn’t include you. I wanted you to know what I had been through, the happy times, the sad times, and the times I thought that there was no way out for me. I shared all of that with you, I lay myself open before you, scars and bruises and all, not caring what you thought, because I knew you were the one person who would not judge me. You would accept me for me, with all my baggage and all my pain that I try to hide so well.”
I pursed my lips but didn’t say a word.
“You never said a single word to me about Sherry. You didn’t tell me that you were married to her or if she was still alive. You didn’t tell me why you’re not together anymore, or anything for that matter,” Hollie said. “How do you think I feel knowing that you’re keeping all that information from me after I told you everything about Kevin?”
“I’m sorry, Hollie.”
“Sorry’s not going to cut it, Chris. We agreed that we were in this together, but I feel like I am the only one giving my all. I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me about her. Do I not deserve your honesty?”
“Of course you do, it’s just complicated. It’s a painful memory that I don’t like to talk about,” I stuttered.
“Kevin died at the same time Hunter got treated for leukemia. It doesn’t get any more painful than that, Chris!” she exclaimed.
Hollie was right. Even though it was painful memories that I didn’t like to think of, and didn’t want to talk about either, I was wrong. I was wrong for not telling her about Sherry and everything that happened. I was wrong for not opening up to her about those painful memories, or for trusting her with my heartache. I didn’t want to seem like I was losing control, as I had created this illusion of perfect composure all the time. The whole situa
tion with Sherry wasn’t only uncomfortable and unsettling, but also shameful to me. I had made such a big mistake marrying Sherry, blinded by the idea of fixing her, saving her, that I willingly fucked up my own life. It could have ended so much worse for me, especially with the kind of people Sherry was involved with.
“I get that you’re upset-”
“Upset doesn’t even cover half of it, Chris!” Hollie ran her fingers irately through her hair and glared at me. “Do you even know how much it hurt me while I was trying to keep a brave face in front of my son at that fucking dinner table?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Do you realize that Hunter faked not feeling well because he could see that I was not myself? He wanted us to leave, to get out of that house because he saw his mother in physical pain,” Hollie told me, her voice breaking and her eyes filling up with tears. “That is the kind of man I need in my life. Someone who looks out for me, someone who regards my feelings more important than anyone else’s. My six-year-old did that because you didn’t.”
I was shocked and angry and disappointed in myself as Hollie's words struck deep into my soul. “He did that?”
“Yes, he did,” she said simply.
I sighed and shook my head in disapproval – at myself of course – and glanced at Hollie. I took a step towards her and said, “There’s a perfectly good reason why I didn’t tell you about her, or anything related to her. I just need you to trust me right now and believe me when I say that things aren’t what you think.”
Hollie pursed her lips for a moment and cocked her head. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that, Chris.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and took another step forward. “I’ll tell you. Everything, right now. Just please hear me out.”
24
Hollie
Monday
My hands shook ever so slightly as I glanced at Chris, and I balled my fists. I kept thinking about how happy Amelia was to see her mother, and how Sherry told her that she was back.
“It doesn’t even matter anymore, Chris, whether you tell me or not. Sherry’s back and I don’t want to stand in the way of you rebuilding your family with your wife.”
“Ex-wife.”
I threw my hands in the air and shrugged. “See, I don’t even know that. I don’t know the details because you never told me, and that’s probably the thing that upsets me the most. I gave you everything, told you every little detail of myself from the last eight years, and you just didn’t. You didn’t let me all the way in, by telling me all these things, trusting me with them. That hurts, Chris, more than you will ever understand.”
“It was never my intention to hurt you, Hollie.”
“Yeah, but you did, and there’s nothing you can say to take that back.”
“This isn’t what I want, Hollie. I don’t want to end this with you, and I don’t want to rebuild a family with her. We were never really a family, to begin with.”
“Then what does she want?”
“To disrupt my life.”
“Why would she do that?” I asked.
“Because that’s what she does, and has always done.”
I suddenly felt sick to my stomach and I had to swallow a few times before I could even look at Chris again. My whole world was crashing down around me, mere moments after I was filled with so much hope.
“Hollie, you need to understand that I didn’t ask Sherry to come home.”
I narrowed my eyes at him and asked, “She’s living there now?”
Chris hesitated, but eventually lowered his gaze and nodded. “Yes.”
“Oh my god!” I exclaimed and turned away.
“She had nowhere else to go. What was I supposed to do?” he asked me.
“So, you’re just letting her stay in your house, sleep in your bed? Carrying on, business as usual,” I scoffed. “I can’t believe that you’d do that. After I wanted to…”
He raised his eyebrow and glanced at me. “After you wanted to what?”
“You know, it doesn’t matter. I was being stupid, blinded by what I thought I felt,” I muttered.
“Sherry never wanted to have a kid, be a mother, so it came as quite a shock to her when she found out she was pregnant. We hadn’t planned it at all, and I was terrified. I didn’t know what to expect, and I sure as hell didn’t think that I would be a good dad,” he told me, and the rawness of his voice struck a chord in my heart. “We got married after we found out, it was a quick wedding, we didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. Plus, I was afraid that she’d run off and I would have no way of keeping her, and my kid with me. Neither one of us knew what to expect, we were so far away from being ready to be parents, but when Amelia was born, I instantly fell in love with her.”
I pursed my lips as I knew exactly the kind of love Chris spoke about. I felt that same love for Hunter the moment I first saw him, and that love simply grew with every moment that passed.
“When I had her in my arms, I felt invincible, and like the world was perfect,” Chris continued. “Sherry, on the other hand, found motherhood to be too much of a challenge. She became withdrawn, she didn’t want to hold Amelia or spend any time with us. She would leave Amelia to cry in her crib, sometimes the whole day. I would come back from work, and Amelia would be crying in her crib, breathless, while Sherry just sat in the kitchen, spaced out. Staring out in front of her. I tried to talk to her, nudge her into holding Amelia, but she wouldn’t.”
A tear ran down my cheek as I couldn’t understand how any mother could do something like that to their baby. I understood that postpartum depression was real – I had it too – and that it was horrible, so I didn’t judge her at all, even though I still despised her for what she was doing.
“I then found out she was doing drugs, selling stuff from the house to pay for her habit, and I confronted her. We went to therapy together. She went to meetings, but in the end, it didn’t help. I made a choice that I didn’t want to expose Amelia to that kind of world, and I filed for a divorce. I told her that she had to choose between her drugs and her family, and she chose her drugs. Sherry gladly signed the papers and left. It was only later that night that I discovered that she cleaned out our savings account, leaving us with almost nothing.”
My heart broke into even smaller shards and I simply stared at Chris in disbelief.
“At first, I tried to find her, but after I nearly got shot by who I can only think was her supplier, I realized that Amelia and I were better off without her. I love her enough for two parents, and I wasn't going to allow Sherry to ruin our lives as she ruined hers.”
“Then why is she living in your house now, Chris?”
“I can’t kick her out. She’s sober and clean. She wants to make up for lost time with Amelia.”
I lowered my gaze and said, “I understand. Amelia has the right to know her mother and have a relationship with her. I don’t want to stand in the way of that.”
A hint of a smile formed on Chris’ lips, but the frown was still visible on his face.
I drew in a slow breath and looked at him. “I am happy that Sherry wants to be in her daughter’s life, but I can’t be in a relationship with you now if she is back in the picture. I don’t feel that’s fair. Amelia’s life has been disrupted enough, and I don’t want to make things worse. Plus, I don’t feel comfortable with having Hunter there when Sherry is there. It’s just too much of a complicated situation.”
He narrowed his eyes at me, and his stance grew defensive again. “I just explained everything to you just like you wanted me to, and now you don’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore?”
“Not if you’re going to throw it in my face!” I exclaimed.
“So you’re just going to drop everything? After everything you and I have been through, you’re just going to step away?”
“Yes. I have to think about what’s best for me, and Hunter. I just can’t…”
“I know that look.”
“What?”
“No, I don’t, but since you’re acting so defensive, maybe you are,” I snapped at him.
“Or maybe you’re hiding something,” he spat at me.
“What could I possibly be hiding? Get real, Chris.”
“This is your way of getting out of our relationship because something is going on between you and George,” he accused.
My jaw dropped and I snapped suddenly. “Oh my god. I cannot believe you would throw that in my face again, after I told you that I didn’t want anyone but you, including George. I can’t believe you would think that of me, Chris. I have been nothing but loyal to you, my entire goddamn life.”
Chris stood quietly in front of me.
“But maybe I was the idiot all along. Thinking that this time could have been different. Thinking that you would finally love me again the way I have loved you all along. And to think that I actually wanted to move in with you, go to sleep beside you every night, and wake up in your arms every single morning, for the rest of my life. What a fucking fool I was to think that I would finally get what I want for a change. But clearly, you don’t think as much of me as I thought and don’t see me as being worthy enough to share your life with you. You would rather have a recovering drug addict in your home, with your daughter, than have me there,” I told him, allowing my anger and emotions to spill out of every pore in my body. “Or maybe you’re the fool for not realizing that I’m better for you and Amelia than she will ever be. But you chose her over me, and that’s what hurts the most. And that’s how you just lost me. Again.”
Chris opened his mouth to respond, and it was clear to me that he had heard me say that I loved him, but I didn't give him an opportunity to say anything. I walked past him and opened my office door.
“Hollie-”
I raised my hand to silence him and shook my head. “I don’t want to hear it, Chris. I’m done.”
Forbidden First Times: A Contemporary Romance Collection Page 16
