Elliot’s door was opening, I realized. Panic flooded me and I felt my entire body go ice cold. No, no, no, no, I thought, shaking my head as if to make the whole thing go away. No, this can’t be happening!
Turning around, Elliot’s assistant, Parker was standing in the doorway, narrowing her critical eyes at me.
“Annie,” she said in a neutral tone that I couldn’t quite parse. “What are you doing in here?”
“I asked her to help me with the TIME magazine profile,” Elliot said smoothly. It was infuriating – here I was, panting and heaving and looking like a disheveled, mussed mess ... and Elliot looked perfectly coiffed, as if he hadn’t just fucked my brains out.
“Oh?” Parker asked. She blinked at me, her forehead creasing as she tried to figure out the true story.
“I was just leaving,” I said. Mortification flooded me as I grabbed my bag and scurried out of the office, my heels tapping on the hard floor. Behind me, I heard the sound of Parker and Elliot’s voices, but I couldn’t quite make out the words they were saying and I nearly broke into a run as I rushed down the corridor. There was a cluster of executives standing by the elevators and rather than deal with their stares and comments, I flung open the door to the stairs and practically ran back to my own floor where I sat down at my cubicle, my chest heaving and my heart racing.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I thought. The phrase kept repeating in my head like an alarm bell and I had to put my hand to my chest as I tried to catch my breath. Rushing back like a fugitive had made sweat break out all over my body and even worse, I could still smell the scent of our sex clinging to my skin. I leaned over and sniffed, wondering just how obvious it actually was. Just as I was sitting up, I heard a rapping on the wall of my cube.
Oh, no, I thought. A fresh wave of panic washed over me as I imagined looking up to find Parker on the other side of the cube wall, staring down at me in clear disapproval as she demanded to know what I had really been doing in Elliot’s office.
But when I looked up, I saw my direct supervisor, Linda, standing there. She was looking down at me with a curious expression on her face and when she saw my startled eyes and red cheeks, she blinked in surprise.
“I’m sorry to have startled you,” she said. “But weren’t you supposed to be in my meeting just now? Taking notes?”
Inwardly, I groaned. I couldn’t believe it – it had happened again. I’d succumbed to Elliot and his charms, and now I was in trouble.
“I was able to pull in a girl from another department, but I wanted to check in with you and make sure that everything is okay,” Linda continued.
I swallowed hard. I knew what that was code for – the pretense of asking me if everything was all right when really, she was telling me that I had fucked up.
Big time.
“Yes, I’m so sorry,” I said, as smoothly as I could. “I was feeling so sick that I had to run to the ladies’ and I must’ve lost track of time.”
Linda nodded. “I see,” she replied. “Well, do please try to make sure that it doesn’t happen again, Annie,” she continued. “You’re a valued member of my team, but you’ve been slipping up lately and I want to make sure that you value this job as much as we value having you here.”
Am I going to get fired, I wondered, nervously biting the inside of my mouth. On the one hand, it would have almost been a relief – an excuse to finally come out in public with Elliot and face the truth of our relationship.
But I couldn’t get fired, not now – not when I had only been in this job for several weeks. Getting another one would be so difficult with my now-patchy work record, and I couldn’t face the shame of going home to my mother and confessing that I’d been fired.
“Why not take the rest of the day off,” Linda suggested. “That might be best for everyone.”
“No, I don’t have to,” I said quickly. “I can stay. I’m really sorry that I missed the meeting.”
Linda leaned in close and now, I saw a trace of sympathy in her eyes.
“Annie, don’t worry about it,” she said. “We’ll start fresh tomorrow, okay?”
Her pity was almost worse than her passive-aggressive behavior had been, and it stung. As soon as she walked away from my desk, I swung around in my chair, grabbed my bag, and made a beeline for the door.
At home, Lilah and Mom were sitting in the living room, watching a movie. When I opened the front door, Lilah cheered and Mom looked at me in surprise. Inside, I felt miserable but I forced myself to smile and put on a happy face for my daughter ... or at least, I did the best that I could.
“I’m home early,” I said.
“Well, clearly,” my mother replied. She raised an eyebrow at me. “Is everything all right?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied. “I’m just not feeling very well, that’s all ... and my boss is a total germaphobe.”
“Well, if you’re not feeling well, you shouldn’t be around others,” my mother said. She cocked her head to the side, studying me closely. “But you look fine to me.”
I had to bite the inside of my mouth to keep from flushing hotly.
The rest of the night was hell. I paced in my room, long after Lilah had gone to sleep, and wondered what was going to happen to me now. It was only a matter of time before Parker learned the truth and I was fired.
And Elliot? He had so much more to worry about losing than I did. Even though he was a powerful member of the company, on the board and everything, I knew that this would be a terrible look for him ... and for Empire, in general. With the TIME magazine piece coming up, I knew he’d take any bad publicity personally, and that would likely haunt him for a long time.
Over the next week, I was so on edge that every time someone called my name or texted my phone or startled me, I felt like I was on the verge of buzzing out of my skin.
Everyone noticed. People at work. My mother. Even Lilah, who burst into a fit of giggles one evening after she’d come up behind me and prodded me in the knee, eliciting a loud yelp.
“Lilah!” I said. “Don’t do that!”
It came out much more stern that I’d intended and almost immediately, my little daughter’s face crumpled and she began to cry. I felt a massive pang of guilt as I dropped to my knees and pulled her against my chest.
“I’m sorry, honey,” I said. “Mommy’s just ... well, she’s really on edge right now. Do you know what that means?”
There were still tears running down Lilah’s cheeks as she shook her head.
“Well, it means that Mommy is stressed. Do you know what that means?”
Lilah shook her head again and I struggled not to sigh in exasperation. Despite being an incredibly bright child, her vocabulary wasn’t where it should have been for a girl of her age and sometimes, I worried that I was working too much instead of spending time on her education.
“It means Mommy is sad,” I said. “But it’s more than just sad. It’s anxious, too – Mommy’s heart is beating really fast all the time and her palms are cold and sweaty.”
“That doesn’t sound fun,” Lilah said solemnly. “I’m sorry, Mommy.”
“It’s okay, sweetie,” I said as I exhaled sharply and hugged her against me once more. “It happens sometimes.”
Lilah didn’t say anything. She had been quieter the last few days, and I couldn’t pretend that that wasn’t at least one thing that was going right. Ever since our brunch with Elliot – and the reveal of her paternity, I had been mentally dancing around how to bring the subject up to my mother. I didn’t know if she would be relieved to finally learn the truth of Lilah’s father’s identity, but I had a feeling that if anything, she would be disappointed with me for having kept it a secret for so long.
Not to mention, my father’s death was still fresh on her mind. He hadn’t been gone for all that long, and the idea of prancing around happily with Elliot and our daughter just didn’t sit right with me – like it would have been almost unseemly.
And then there was the whole matter
of the insane age gap between us, and the fact that technically Elliot was my boss at work.
I hated it. This should have been one of the happiest times of my life, and instead it was one of the most confusing and sad. I wanted to revel in my happiness with Elliot, revel in our relationship, revel in the love and joy that we shared together.
I desperately wanted to tell my mother – and the entire world, for that matter – the truth about me and Elliot.
But I couldn’t, at least, not yet.
I just hoped that it would be soon.
Needed it to be soon.
Or else, I didn’t think that I could hang on much longer.
31
Elliot
As soon as Annie left my office in a rush of rumpled clothes, tangled hair, and sex-sweat, I wanted to groan and put my face in my hands.
My assistant, Parker, stood there with a hand on her hip and her head cocked to the side. She gave me a suspicious glance, and it was immediately obvious what she was thinking.
“What was that all about,” Parker asked. She strode closer to my desk and raised an eyebrow at me. “I’ve never seen that girl before. Is she new?”
“She’s Linda Taylor’s assistant,” I said. “She’s pretty new, I think.”
When Parker didn’t answer, I added: “She’s helping me with the TIME magazine story.”
“So you said,” Parker said. She came even closer and I held my breath, feeling like a rabbit caught in a trap.
I’d never felt comfortable having a female assistant. I’d heard too many stories of just how easy it was to get sacked for inappropriate behavior, and a scandal was the last thing I wanted on my record.
And now that I’d cum and gotten all of that stress and tension and anxiety out of my system, I realized that I had done the very thing that I had vowed to myself I wouldn’t do. I’d been stupid and horny enough to call Annie – demand her, practically – to come into my office and help me relieve my ... frustrations.
I felt like a monster. Not only had I taken advantage of the woman I loved, I’d potentially put my own job at risk, not to mention hers. If anything happened to me, I’d find a way to deal with that.
But if Annie got fired because I was too stressed and stupid to keep my dick in my pants, I didn’t think I’d be able to forgive myself. I loved her and I had kept saying how much I wanted to do this right, to take my time, to make sure that I wasn’t going to be jeopardizing either one of us.
Instead, I’d put us both at risk and now, my words were as meaningless as bird tracks in the sand.
“Parker, if you wouldn’t mind leaving me alone right now,” I said.
Parker narrowed her eyes at me. “You have a meeting,” she said, sounding noticeably less polite than usual. The smell of my sex with Annie still hung in the air and even though I had managed to put myself almost tidy before Parker had come in, I could tell by the way she was scrutinizing me that something was wrong.
Had she heard us? Even though I had tried to be quiet, being quiet with Annie was nearly impossible when I lost myself in the moment with her, lost myself in the passion of us. She had moaned loudly into my mouth more than once, and the walls in the office ... weren’t exactly thick.
In that moment, I cursed myself. I had been so fucking stupid and reckless, and possibly ruined a good thing forever.
“What is it, Parker?” I asked in exasperation. “If it’s about the meeting, just please phone and say I’ll be a few minutes late. I need to check on something first.”
Parker cleared her throat and smiled. “It’s your tie,” she said. “It’s crooked.”
That day, after work, I went home and got drunk in my office. I wanted to go next door and see how Annie was doing, find a way to apologize to her and reassure her that nothing would happen to her job.
But the truth was, I didn’t know that. I couldn’t be sure, or certain, or even close to certain. And after putting her through so much already, the last thing I wanted to was to lie and manage to disappoint her again.
So, like a miserable bastard, I stayed in alone and got drunk. In the morning, my hangover made the evening before seem like a penance.
But it still wasn’t as bad as I deserved.
Four days passed before I worked up the courage to approach Annie again. It was the weekend, and I watched from my window as her mother left the house in her convertible with the roof down and a scarf tied under her chin to keep her hair in place. As soon as the car was out of sight, I brushed my teeth and put on a clean shirt and crossed the lawn.
Annie opened the door almost immediately. When she saw me, her expression was a mixture of hurt and anxiety. I couldn’t think of the right words to say, so I just pulled her into my arms and held her tightly and nuzzled my face into her hair.
“I missed you so much,” I told Annie. “I’m so sorry – things have been insane. I’ve been trying to find the time to deal with this, but it hasn’t come up.”
Annie stepped back and gave me a confused, almost wounded look.
“What do you mean, this,” she said. “Am I suddenly a problem now?”
“Oh my god, no,” I told her. “No, no, nothing like that.” I sighed and raked a hand through my hair. As much as I loved Annie, sometimes I found that being around her was frustrating because her mere presence was enough to dislodge all of the carefully-laid plans I’d created in my head before seeing her disarming, wonderfully beautiful smile.
“My mom won’t be gone for very long,” Annie said. “But I’d like it if you came in. I was just setting up Lilah with a snack.”
The mention of my daughter’s lovely name filled my heart with anxiety and shame that I had been too much of a coward to approach her before now.
“I’m so sorry,” I said as Annie led me into the kitchen where Lilah was sitting at the table with celery, peanut butter, and raisins. “It’s really inexcusable. All I’ve been wanting to do is talk to you. But work has been so crazy.”
Annie swallowed. “I want to find a new job,” she said. “I can’t take this anymore, Elliot. Really. It’s so hard on me – I keep worrying about Linda finding out, or Parker starting a rumor.”
I decided not to tell her about Parker’s comment regarding my tie.
“It shouldn’t be so hard for us to be together,” Annie said. She pressed her plump lips together and I had to resist the urge to pull her into a deep kiss. “I mean, it’s not like rocket science, you know? We’re two people who love each other and we have a child together and all I want us to do is be together like a real family.”
Her words were nothing but true, but they stung all the same. I felt like less of a man, like a coward, for not being able to give her a direct answer.
At that moment, Lilah turned and noticed me. A smile spread over her face and she leapt up from her chair and ran over me, throwing her arms around my legs and hugging me tightly, swinging her body back and forth and singing.
“Are you still my daddy?” Lilah asked. She craned her neck and looked up at me with her big green eyes blinking uncertainly. “Because I haven’t seen you in a while,” she added, sniffling and biting her lip.
Her words, as always, broke my heart.
But this time, it didn’t feel like a good heartbreak.
“Yes, oh, sweetie, of course,” I said, reaching down and pulling her up into my arms. “Your mommy and daddy are just ... working some things out, that’s all.”
I looked to Annie for confirmation, but she didn’t speak. Her eyes were downcast and her hands were tangled in front of her body. I stared at her for a long time, until she finally looked up at me and raised an eyebrow.
“But we’re going to get it resolved soon,” I said to Lilah, although I was speaking more to Annie. Feeling her freeze me out like this hurt so much, even though it was my fault. I felt hurt and ashamed and like less of a man than I’d ever been in my life.
I needed to get my shit together so I could get my little family together, as soon as possible.
Annie, although I knew she loved me, didn’t have infinite patience ... and nor should she, not when we had already spent so many years apart.
“We’re going to get this fixed so that we can all be together,” I said finally.
Lilah looked up at me.
“You promise, Daddy?”
I nodded. “I swear it,” I said. “I really do.”
32
Annie
After Elliot left, I felt strange. Not remorseful, exactly – but almost ashamed, like I’d mistreated him. It was true that I didn’t love the way he had handled our situation over the last few days, but I didn’t love how I’d treated him, either. It was weird – I should have felt empowered, or something like that, like I’d made the right decision for myself and my mental health. I hadn’t decided to break up with him or anything like that, but I wanted him to know that what he was doing wasn’t exactly okay with me.
But now, I missed him. I spent hours staring at my cell phone, pressing the home button just to make sure that I hadn’t missed a text or a call from him. I felt like I had pushed him away and I was already regretting it. I didn’t see him at work – I took special care to avoid going up to the executive floor. When Linda asked me one day to bring a memo up to another one of the executives, I passed it onto someone else through inter-office mail. I didn’t see him in the elevators or the lobby, and although I told myself it was for the best, I couldn’t help but feel crushed every time the doors would open and I didn’t see his handsome face.
Lilah was confused, too. I caught her staring out the window towards Elliot’s house, and more than once she asked me why her daddy had come back and promised her not to leave only to leave again. I didn’t want to tell her the truth – that I was pushing him away because I was sulking, and it was my fault that he wasn’t around.
After a week, I couldn’t stop myself from freaking out. I visibly shook all the time and started throwing up in the mornings, just like I had when I was first pregnant with Lilah. I took another pregnancy test, half-hoping and half-fearing that it would be positive, but it wasn’t. No, the only thing that was wrong with me was nerves. One night, I even snuck one of my mom’s Xanax pills that she’d had in the bathroom medicine cabinet ever since my father had died but it didn’t do anything other than put me to sleep. When I woke up in the morning, I felt just the same as I had the night before.
Forbidden First Times: A Contemporary Romance Collection Page 100
