by Ward, H. M.
My eyebrows disappear under my bangs as I swat her hand away. “Throwing himself under a truck didn’t redeem him, did it?”
“No,” she snaps. “And one good act doesn’t undo all the other stupid shit he’s done. The man is bad news. He’s messing with your mind and you’re letting him.”
I sigh, and push past her. Mel follows me down the hallway. “Avery, I’m just watching out for you. So much stuff has been going on. Damn it, listen to me!” Mel grabs my shoulders and spins me around. “I’m the only one who knows what you’ve gone through and what you’re doing. Don’t waste it like this. If Black finds out that you’ve been seeing him, you’ll lose everything.”
My smile is gone. I don’t say anything for a second. I know she’s right, I just wish she wasn’t. I need that job to dig myself out of the ever-increasing hole I keep digging. As it is, I’m sure I’m on her shit list. I close my eyes and say it, “Fine. You’re right.”
“Don’t try pulling that reverse mind shit on me, I know I’m right!”
“Mel, back off. I said I agree with you. I can’t lose my job.”
Mel finally deflates. She nods slowly and grabs my wrist. She drags me down the hallway and into her room. After slamming the door, she rounds on me. “Black has you on the schedule for next weekend. I saw it when I went in today to get my contract for the week.”
It feels like all the air was sucked out of the room. I didn’t expect her to put me back so fast, even though I asked. I haven’t even spoken to Black since before the accident. Although I sent Gabe back with a wad of cash and demanded to be reinstated, I didn’t expect her to actually do it.
“Who’d she put me with?”
“I don’t know.” Mel sits down hard on her bed and looks up at me. She pushes her huge hair out of her face and sighs. “What are you planning on doing?”
“With what?” I sit down in her chair and pull my boots off. Mel notices them but doesn’t say anything.
“With Black. I know it was supposed to be a stopgap job until graduation, but then you need to do your graduate work. I know I have to keep that job until I’m done and making it on my own. I’m guessing that you need to do the same thing, so you need to stay on Black’s good side. You had a bumpy start, Avery. I’m shocked she hasn’t fired your ass.”
I haven’t really thought past graduation, about what I’ll do. I keep getting stuck in now. I glance up at Mel. “So what do I do?”
“Kiss her ass. Take whatever clients she gives you and make them rave about you.”
I smile awkwardly. “I don’t have the skills to—”
“Then learn! Take the initiative. Rent some porn. Go to that sex shop everyone’s always talking about. Look around. Watch a pole dance. Do something that makes you so desirable that the clients beg for you and only you.”
“What do you do?”
She laughs under her breath. “Stuff that you can’t pull off, white girl. I’m me, in all my mocha sexual hotness. I own it. I own him. I have him eating out of my hand before I leave. I make sure to put it in his head that there’s more. It’s all bullshit, but when they’re like that, none of the guys are really thinking with their head. They let their pants make all the decisions. String them along. Fake it ‘til you make it and all that shit.” Mel lies back on her bed and stuffs a pillow under her head. She sighs like she’s exhausted.
“I’m sorry,” I blurt out. I know the reason why she’s overtired and strung out. It’s me.
Mel waves her hand in the air. “Nah, no sorrys. There are no do-overs for girls like us. We’re one-shot wonders. I know that. I’ve been through shit you can’t even imagine and I have no intention of giving up. I know what’s at the very bottom when you fall flat on your face. I just don’t want you going through that, not when you don’t have to. And I know this guy makes you happy sometimes, but he’s driving me nuts. He’s risking stuff you don’t have to risk. You get what I’m saying to you?”
I nod. “I get it.” My voice is totally flat.
All the happy vibes from earlier are gone. I feel guilt tugging at me every time my eyes glance at my boots or my hand touches my leather pants. She’s right. Mel’s so right and I’ve gotten so careless. I push off the chair and tell her, “Thanks. I’m glad you’re on my side. I need to go study for a test in the morning. I’ll catch you at lunch tomorrow.”
I walk away wondering what horrors Mel’s been through that I don’t know about. Whenever she’s warning me, I see the memories replay on her face. There’s fear in her eyes and nothing can take it away. I don’t want to get like that, and the best way to prevent it is to do what Mel said—suck up to Black, kiss Sean good-bye, and start taking new clients.
I just don’t want to…
18
The rest of the week passes slowly. I go to classes and try to focus, but it takes an ungodly amount of coffee. I don’t see Sean. I try not to think about him. I do my work and keep my nose in my books until I get a call from Miss Black. She has a client for me. I have to go in and chat with her before she forks over his name. Black sounds more irritated with me than normal. I tell her that I’ll be in tonight and hang up before I say something stupid.
I’ve been sitting in the diner across the street from the college, working on the outline for my semester project in Psych. I have a textbook open with colored highlighters on the table, and Post-It Notes stuck all over the book. They stick out of the sides like rainbow colored bunny ears. I’m not paying attention to who’s around me. When the waitress comes by, I order more coffee and a slice of apple pie.
“Do you want ice cream with that, hun?” She stares down at me from under a boatload of blue eye shadow.
Marty appears from behind her and answers for me. “Hell yes. And double that. I’m sick of watching my figure. Today has pie and ice cream written all over it, honey.” The waitress looks at him like he’s smacked his head one to many times. Marty makes a face at her and she leaves. “Long time, no see. Whachya doing, slut?” Marty leans forward and tries to see my notes from across the table.
I smile at him. “Term paper. What’s new with you?” I look him over. He’s not dressed in his normal decade-specific attire. Instead, Marty’s hair is sort of messy and he has a little stubble on his jaw. He’s wearing a button down shirt with a dark brown blazer. It makes his eyes look like chocolates. “Got a new boyfriend?”
He smiles awkwardly and shakes his head. “Nah.”
“What’s with the new threads? Trying to channel GQ?”
Marty tilts his chin up and grins. “Something like that. You like?”
I nod and let my eyes slip over him again, before returning my gaze to his face. “Yeah, actually I do. It’s hot. Sure to turn a lot of heads.” I smile at him and glance back down at my outline. I’m almost done and I’ve been working for hours, so I push the book aside and take a break.
“Mmm. Maybe, but there’s only one head that I’m interested in turning.” He stretches and places one of his arms along the back of the booth.
“Does he notice you?” Marty doesn’t talk much about his love interests. I’d started thinking he was asexual. I’m glad we’re talking. It feels like it used to, before things got weird between us.
“Not so much.” He holds my gaze.
“That’s too bad.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. Everything happens for a reason, right? Maybe it’s not time to be noticed, yet. Maybe when I am noticed, things will go better because I waited. At least that’s what I tell myself when I’m crying into my pillow at night.” He winks at me. Before I have a chance to answer, the waitress sets down our plates. Marty sits up and inhales. He sighs, “My God. Ecstasy on a plate.”
The waitress snorts and walks away.
I dig in and shovel the pie into my mouth. The apples are warm and the crust is light and buttery. I think I moaned because Marty’s laughing. “Easy there, Little Miss O. I’m not into that kind of public display.”
I nearly choke on an apple. I sputte
r for a second. “You’re such an ass. You can make sexual remarks about dessert, but I can’t?”
“Yes.” Marty shovels more pie into his mouth, while watching me with a smirk on his face.
“Why is that?”
“Double-standard, honey. I can do a lot of things you can’t. I don’t have boobs. Get over it.” He glances around and holds up his hand. The waitress comes over. “Can I get a glass of milk? Thanks, hon.” She smiles this time and disappears. A few minutes later there’s a huge glass of milk next to him. I salivate, staring at it. “Go ahead and have some. I don’t have cooties.” Marty shoves the glass toward me. I put the cold cup to my lips and guzzle. When I put it down, there’s hardly any left. “Well, that was sexy.”
“Shut up,” I say, smiling at him. “I can be sexy. I just chose not to be.”
“Who said that wasn’t sexy? A girl tipping back a glass of milk like that? Very alluring.” He waggles his eyebrows at me. “Any girl that can swallow that much milk has gotta be good at—”
I cut him off, pointing my spoon at him. “Don’t say it.” There’s a warning tone in my voice.
But Marty is still smiling. He shakes his head. “You’re such a prude. You can put out and get paid, you little tramp, but we can’t talk about it. I thought I’d hear all about your sexual encounters. I’m starting to think your job is bogus.” Marty leans back in the booth with a self-assured look on his face.
“It is not bogus. And who uses that word anymore?”
“Nuns and cool kids. Stop dodging the question, princess.” He leans forward and puts his arms on the table. Marty reaches forward and places both of his hands on top of mine and pats me.
“Uh, there was no question.”
He cocks his head to the side. “Avery, are you seriously going to make me say it. Fine, the blank look on your face is enough. Are you going back to work this weekend?” He slips his hands back.
I nod. “Yeah, Black wants me to come in tonight. I think she’s going to kill me and leave me in the alley. She sounds pissed. I’m not really sure why.”
“You’re a high-maintenance pain in the ass, that’s why. Every time she gives you another chance, you screw it up. It’s like you’re doing it on purpose.”
“I am not! I want this job. I need this job.”
He studies me for a moment. “You really don’t mind the idea of it being some random guy this time?” I mind. I mind a lot, but it’s the best I can do. It’s like he can read my mind. Marty leans forward and lowers his voice, “Then, don’t do it. Quit.”
“What? Did you hit your head? I can’t quit. I’m going to get hit with a ton of hospital bills, plus my regular stuff. My car is totaled. I don’t have enough money to replace it and eat. It’s not like I have a choice, Marty.”
He sighs and watches me for a moment. “Then, tell me how I can help.”
“I don’t think you can, not unless you want to go shopping again. I have to but a slutty outfit tomorrow. No more wholesome girl stuff. Mel isn’t around tonight. She took a midweek client. You want to come?” Marty’s eyes drop to the table. He looks at my hands and seems like he’s lost in his thoughts. “It’ll be the same as last time, well, without Mel calling you names.”
I realize that I want him to come. Marty is one of the people that puts me at ease, and this stuff with Black has me strung out. I don’t want a new client. I want Sean, but I can’t have what I want. Besides, Sean probably had a different girl every day this week. They’re probably all tied up under his bed.
Marty touches the back of my hand. He trails his finger over my smooth skin. The touch pulls me from my thoughts. I look up at his face, into those dark eyes. “I’ll come. Anything for you, Avery. You know that.”
I let out a rush of air. I didn’t realize I was so tense about everything. I slip out of the booth and go around to his side. I slide in next to him and give him a hug. He doesn’t hug me back. Instead he puts his arm behind my neck and rests it along the back of the booth.
Marty pushes the rest of his pie toward me. “Here, finish it.”
I release him and sit up. I devour the rest of the pie like I haven’t eaten in weeks. My life is finally getting under control again.
19
“What about this one?” Marty asks, pulling out a tiny hanger with a red string on it. Seriously, it’s a string. I don’t even know what it is. A bottom? A bra? A shirt?
I walk over and touch it, then look up at him. Leaning in close, I ask, “What is it?”
He laughs. “I don’t know. I was hoping you knew.”
We both giggle quietly and put it back. I’m in one of the shops that Miss Black said to buy my lingerie in, but I don’t know what I want. It’s weird. Last time I did this, I thought of Sean and bought things that I wanted him to see me in. This time, I don’t even know who I’m going to be with. I guess I should pick out things for me, but I’m not really into it.
Marty wanders away, browsing racks. He picks up something white and I shake my head. I’m not making that mistake again. I tell him about the rules and he nods and wanders off. When I turn around, I see a red satin bra that seems cut so low that it wouldn’t contain my girls. I lift the hanger and hold it up.
A salesgirl comes over. “Do you like it? That’s one of our bestsellers.” I turn around. The salesgirl is a little taller than me, wearing a stunning blue dress that makes her hair look like gold. She’s smiling at me. “Would you like to try it on?”
I nod, “I think so. It seems a little low in front.”
“It’s supposed to be.” She smiles at me and must recognize the blank look on my face, because she explains. “It’s a hybrid shelf and peek-a-boo bra. It holds you up, creates beautiful cleavage, but is still revealing. The panty you had before is the matching bottom.”
“The string?”
She nods and picks up the red string. “It wraps around the side, after you step into it. Then, tie it on the hip.” She selects pieces that are my size. “Is there anything else you’d like to try?”
I glance around. “I don’t know.” Where’d Marty go?
“Is there something in particular that you’re looking for?” I tell her something sexy and she makes a few more selections for me.
On the way back to the dressing room, I see Marty. He falls in step with me. “Try this one too.” He hands me something blue. I nod and take it.
The salesgirl doesn’t say anything about Marty following me back. I think about that red set and worry about him seeing me in it. I don’t really care about him seeing me in my underwear, but exposed nipples with those bottoms—I don’t know. Gay or not, that’s a little bit overexposed for my preference.
The salesgirl hangs my items in a room and leaves. Marty finds a chair and sits down across from my changing room. “Okay, show me the blue one first.”
That’s the set he picked out. It’s also the one with the most coverage. No problem, although I know Black will shoot down the bottoms. I have to show off my ass from now on. I’m not a virgin anymore.
I slip out of my clothes and pull on a blue satin set. It is pretty, but it’s too plain for this. I crack the door and call Marty over. He slips into the dressing room with me. “Turn around, let me see.” Marty nods as he rubs his chin. “It’s too old school for this, but it is pretty.”
I look at my hips in the mirror. Old school is right. The boobs are kind of pointy. I laugh. “I look like Marilyn Monroe.”
“If they were just a bit pointier, I would have said Madonna.”
“Okay, this one is out.”
Marty cracks the door to step outside. I glance over his shoulder and see a familiar face standing in the store just outside the dressing room. Bright blue eyes catch my gaze. My heart hammers harder.
Sean.
He holds my gaze for a moment and then blinks like he didn’t just see Marty come out of my dressing room. Marty doesn’t notice him, and I don’t want him to. I try to get rid of Marty quickly. The last thing I want is the
two of them fighting back here, and since they both seem to hate each other, it’s pretty much a sure thing.
“Marty, would you mind heading to the second floor to scout out a dress? I’m pretty sure I’m going to want the red panty set and I’m not showing you my ass.”
He chuckles. “Sure, babe. What color?”
“Red.” I blurt it out and shut the door. Marty’s feet disappear from sight. I lean against the door. My shoulders tense as I listen for the altercation, but it doesn’t come.
I sigh and push off the door. I don’t know where Sean went, but at least he had the decency to not make a scene. It probably looked like Marty was doing me in the dressing room. My cheeks burn. I wouldn’t want anyone to think that. Then, I realize that everyone probably thinks that. I’m so slow. I palm my face and shake my head.
Damn it. I’m so stupid. I guess it doesn’t matter, but I don’t want word getting back to Black that I was doing some guy in the dressing room. I need to keep my personal life separate. I wonder if that’s possible as I slip out of the panty set and try on another.
I turn and glance at my hips and then my butt. My boobs look okay, but I don’t like it. I try on the last two normal sets of lingerie. I stare at myself in the mirror wondering if it matters what I wear. Who cares if I like it or not?
I glance at the red set still hanging on the wall.
I slip out of my clothes and reach for it. I step into the string bottoms and tie a bow at my hip.
Seriously? A string doesn’t change the fact that this is commando. The guy is going to get an eyeful as soon as I’m out of my dress. As I’m taking the top off the hanger, the door creaks opens slowly.
“I’m in here.” I can’t decide if I should cover myself or stop the door. My hands wave around like I’m dancing and Sean slips into the room.
“I know.” The grin on his face is so wide. I twitch and cover my breasts with my arm. When I catch myself in the mirror, I groan.
