‘Wow, thanks … and how is—’
‘Jane, Jane, look, Sal is here as well!’ Rachel spins me forty-five degrees with some force.
I don’t get chance to find out what Mads has been up to, or how Jack is, or how many children they’ve got, because I’m trying not to fall off my heels. But I will do later. Definitely.
I stare in shock at the girl sat on the other side of the table. Sally. Who is not at all like Audrey Hepburn. Sally was the girl at school who either already had it all or was damned well going to get it soon. You know the type? You get that longed for pony, next minute she’s got a unicorn. A pink one, that makes dreams come true and farts rainbows. And she was the school swot. You worked three hours on revision for your exams last night? Well, Sally worked all bloody night.
Sally always eyed me suspiciously whenever Rach invited me along on their outings, and she did make a big thing pointing out when they were all teenagers, when they were all sixteen, when they all had bras, when they were all off to the school prom … and I wasn’t. Like I say. Competitive.
Sally was not my best friend at school, but Rachel loved her. They’d met at primary school and did ballet lessons and pony club camp together, so what can a girl do except suck it up and smile? And I never actually disliked her, it was just all that competitiveness could sometimes totally get on my wick and I would have quite liked to have thumped her. Or trumped her unicorn.
Two ‘friends’ I haven’t seen for years – and never imagined I’d see again.
Rachel though had obviously kept in touch with both of them.
I bet they didn’t think they’d see each other either. They are chalk and cheese, the opposite ends of our friendship spectrum and it kind of shows. The vibe isn’t one of giggly reminiscing.
Now when I say ‘friends’ I do mean real, actual friends, as in met at school and drifted apart friends. Not mates from work or people I’ve met on social media.
Sadly though, like a lot of people, I chat less to the real ones because Facebook is about work connections, and all I ever seem to do these days is work. And, let’s face it, these were Rach’s friends. I did have friends of my own, in my own class, as well. Rach was just cooler.
‘Long time no see!’ I bet Sal is running a mega corporation, has an office bigger than my flat, a personal trainer, and survives on quinoa, Japanese poke bowls and kefir (I only know these exist because I have taken photos for Coral – who then proceeded to joke with all her friends about the fact I’d called it quin-o-a not keen-whaaaaa). In fact, I bet Sal grows the stuff herself because she only needs thirty-five seconds sleep a night.
I’m not going to ask. I’m more Krispy Kreme doughnuts than quinoa, if you know what I mean. And most of that healthy stuff just seems to get stuck in my teeth and annoy me for the rest of the day. Whoever thought a rice cake was a good idea? I mean, who dreamt that the words rice and cake should even be in the same sentence?
‘You look amazing, you both do!’ I glance to Maddie, then back at Sal.
Sally looks like she’s put on a few pounds, but she’s glowing. Though Maddie looks a bit sad if I’m honest. Peaky is the term my gran might use.
‘Aww, thanks, Jane.’ Sally slips elegantly off her stool, in the way only tall people can do, and stands up. She towers over me. She always was tall, but now she’s got killer heels on, a waft of expensive perfume, and the type of nails and complexion that says she spends more time pampering than working. So maybe I’m wrong about the mega corporation – unless somebody pampers her while she works. I can see that, I can really see it. A shoulder massage from behind, and a foot massage under her desk, as she shouts out orders on speakerphone.
She’s probably one of those people that has multiple orgasms every time, without losing the place in her book.
She air-kisses me, grins and sits down.
‘Wow, how good is this? The Fab Four reunited!’ I’m aware I sound a bit lame, but I’m temporarily at a loss for meaningful words.
‘I was aiming for the Fab Five!’ Rach looks mischievously at us all.
‘What? Not Beth?’ I look round wildly. Beth with her vodka habit, and Saturday Night Fever dance steps that could clear a floor in seconds, was my naughty-sides twin. She might have brought out the worst in me, but she was so much fun, with a capital F.
The real Fab Four had been Rachel, Beth, Sally and Maddie – until I’d come along and been shoe-horned into the group. But then one day, I’d been tagging along on a night out, and Sal hadn’t, so Beth had declared me an honorary member of the group. I reckon she did it to piss Sally off, but I didn’t really care. I was in.
‘Beth with the boobs?’ That bit comes from Sal, but we all know who she means.
While the rest of us were considering whether booster bras, balconies, or foam fillets would do the trick, slim and petite Beth was displaying her super-sized wares with ease. Sometimes life isn’t fair.
‘Where is she?’
‘She couldn’t come.’
I groan, but I swear Sal perks up. She doesn’t like the competition.
‘But wait for it girls …’ Rachel really is taking the stage now. ‘She said no because …’ She is drawing this one out, but we’re all leaning forward in anticipation. ‘She couldn’t get a babysitter!’
Whatever I thought she was going to say. It wasn’t that.
‘Bloody hell.’ Sal is wide-eyed. ‘Who’d have thought hell raiser Beth would have got up the duff. She was so not the mothering type, she even had her nipples pierced!’
‘She was nice.’ Maddie’s quiet comment gets lost in the excitement. ‘I’m sure she’s made a lovely mum.’
All I can think of is a baby with a mouthful of titanium nipple bar. It is not a pleasant thought.
‘I’d not actually seen Beth for yonks ’cos she did a bit of a disappearing act, moved away, then my mum bumped into hers and she passed on her phone number! She said she’d love to meet up with old friends, ’cos she’s been a bit isolated being stuck at home with a baby. I’ve not actually seen the baby yet, but it’s only tiny, and Beth said she’s been all hormonal, and bigger-boobed than ever,’ this is mind-boggling, ‘and her head isn’t in the right place at all, and …’
‘Wow, she’s married! She beat us all in the adulting stakes!’ I’m a bit gobsmacked. Beth, in my head, will always be the hell-raiser. The one who said boyfriends were for losers (unless they were studded to within an inch of their life, had more nose rings than a herd of bullocks, and more tats than teeth), and pulled a puke-face if she ever saw a baby attached to a nipple – which could be why she got the piercings, I suppose, the biggest barricade to natural feeding ever.
The image of Beth with a baby clasped to her bosom and a husband doing the dishes is just weird.
‘Well, not exactly …’ There is another long Rachel pause. ‘She’s on her own, and she won’t say who the father is!’
I’m not really into these reunions, I mean, there’s a reason you drift apart, isn’t there? And sometimes those reasons are bigger than others. But this one is turning out to be slightly surreal.
Beth has to be the biggest shock. From teenage hell-raiser to worn-out single mum with a secret before I’ve even made a decision on whether a tat would be cool or trying too hard.
‘But she said next time we get together, she’ll be there!’ I think this is Rach-speak for ‘she’ll be at the wedding’, but it looks like she hasn’t broken that nugget of news to the others yet. The wedding bit.
There’s a lull, while everybody thinks about Beth. I decide I need to fill it.
‘Any other births, deaths or marriages I should know about?’ I’m clambering onto a stool as I speak, when Rachel starts to manhandle me and nearly knocks me flying. Looks like I said the wrong thing.
‘Hang on, don’t sit down yet; help me get the drinks in before we get chatting.’ She’s got hold of my arm and is sweeping me along with her towards the bar before I can object. We don’t stop though. After a brief g
limpse over her shoulder to check we’re not under observation, she charges onwards, like a mini rhino on a rampage, and I find myself bundled into the bathroom.
Maybe she has been recruited as a spy, as well as getting married.
She slams the door shut, then spins round.
I’ve never been in such posh loos. Except I’m not getting much opportunity to look round or take photos, as Rachel has me pinned against the dryer, which goes off every time I flinch.
‘Sorry I didn’t warn you before, but …’
‘Warn me? What, about Beth?’
‘No, no. About the situ.’
‘Situ?’ I try to edge away as I’m getting more hot air down my neck than I can cope with. Rachel is so close though, there’s not much room for manoeuvre. It’s either bounce off her boobs or get all hot and bothered.
I duck down and pop up the other side of her.
‘Fuck’s sake, Jane. Will you stand still and listen? We’ve not got long, we’ve got to get back to them, we can’t leave them together.’
‘This was your … What do you mean we can’t leave them together?’ I get an uneasy prickle down my spine and it’s nothing to do with the dryer.
‘It’s awkward, well, I need you to be a bit like …’
‘A bit like …?’
‘Like a, well, a barrier?’
‘A barrier?’ I fold my arms, barrier-like. But she has my interest well and truly piqued. ‘What do you mean a barrier? Between what?’ I frown.
‘Between Sally and Mads,’ hisses Rachel.
‘You’ve invited me out to be a barrier?’ As evenings go, this is not panning out as my best. ‘Is this why you wanted Beth as well, then we’d be a double barrier?’
‘No, no, no. Oh, God.’ She runs her fingers through her blonde bouncy waves. ‘I never thought it would be this complicated, but I wanted all three of you to …’ She sniffs. ‘Please, please say you’ll help me make this work?’
I sigh. ‘What’s happened, Rach?’
‘It’s just that, well, you know Sally and Mads?’ I nod. It’s a strange question seeing as we’ve all just been reacquainted. ‘They’ve not seen each other for like yonks.’
I nod. ‘Same here, bit of a shock actually!’
She ignores me, I think she’s had this speech planned. ‘I mean I’ve seen them separately, but we’ve not all got together.’ I nod. ‘Well, there’s something you need to know.’ There’s a long pause while she waits for the other occupant in the bathroom to wash her hands and leave. ‘Sally got married.’
As bombshells go, that’s a bit of an anti-climax. ‘Good for her.’ So maybe I am totally wrong, maybe she does not run a world dominating company. Maybe she is supreme nappy changer. Flannel ones of course. Expensive monogrammed flannel ones. And a maid to dip them in the bucket. Sal is a shit stirrer, not a washer of shit.
Rachel takes a deep breath, then turns to face me. ‘To Jack.’
My image of Sally in marigolds, dunking nappies in a silver bucket is gone in a millisecond. The world does a hiccup. ‘Jack?’ I can hear the note of suspicion in my voice.
She nods.
‘Jack, Jack?’ I think my lower jaw is dangling. ‘Maddie’s Jack? Are you sure?’
‘Positive. I went to their wedding.’
‘You what?’ I think I might be shouting. ‘But, but, they, we …’
‘Jack and Mads split up like ages ago, when he went to uni, so it’s not like Sal barged in and nicked him or anything, and it was Maddie who did the dumping, but, well, Mads didn’t know they were an item until Sally and Jack moved back into the area after, well, you know … the wedding.’
I cringe. I mean, can you imagine? The love (ex-love) of your life suddenly reappears on the scene. With a wife. Your (soon to be) ex-friend.
Then your old school friend invites you all to a big night out in Brighton.
Whoopee!
I’m not surprised poor Mads looks a bit peaky.
‘Rach, how could you! How could you ask them both here, if you knew …?’
‘I didn’t.’ She gulps. ‘Honest. Well, I knew about Sal and Jack, obviously.’
‘And you didn’t think …’
‘I thought Maddie knew! Sal had told me at the wedding that she was totally cool with it, that it was her who had dumped Jack, and he was the broken-hearted one, and Maddie had moved on!’
‘So?’ I look at her suspiciously.
‘I think Maddie’s still got a bit of thing about him.’ The words tail off. ‘I didn’t realise.’ It comes out a bit plaintively. ‘Honest.’ Pleadingly, if that’s a word. ‘Jack rang me this morning, when he found out from Sal we were all coming here. She went white as a sheet apparently when she saw them in Tesco.’
‘So why the fuck did you ask them both here, at the same time?’
‘Because it was too late, and I love them both, I love all of you, and I need us all together. I need all three of you.’ She’s hanging on to my arm. ‘Please help me. I did tell Maddie that Sally was coming as well, and she said it was fine with her, if I really wanted her to come then she’d come because I’m her friend.’
‘And Sal was fine with it?’ Sal would be, I don’t need to ask.
‘She said it was water under the bridge and we were all adults, and what Jack and Maddie had was just puppy love.’
‘I bet she did.’
We both go back to staring at each other in the mirror. Then my shocked brain (good job it’s not alcohol sodden yet) snaps out of its strange state.
‘Shit. And we’ve left them together?’
Chapter 9
‘I need vodka.’ It’s more of a plea than anything as we slide past the bar at full pelt (luckily, the place is quiet), and the rather sexy barman grins as he slams it on the bar. ‘On the tab!’ I don’t even know if we’ve got a tab, but I don’t care. We need to get back.
Rachel is panting down my neck, and I’m a bit breathless myself as she grabs my arm and hisses in my ear.
‘Slow down, slow down, we need to look casual.’
Casual? Ha! I flap my arms away from my body because I’m sure I’ve got sweaty patches forming, and take a deep breath, because I’m wheezing like I’ve just run a marathon.
World war has not broken out. They are sitting slightly woodenly when we saunter up to the table, smiles pasted on our faces; Maddie studying her drink, Sal people watching.
‘Hi! All back, drink!’ I hold it up, to prove the point. ‘Just had to nip to the bathroom’. Did we miss anything?’ There are no visible scars or crumpled up tissues. ‘Everything okay? Ha-ha, why wouldn’t it be? I mean, have you got drinks? Great here isn’t it? Cool! And such a surprise seeing you guys.’ I inwardly cringe. Since when did I call people guys?! ‘Great surprise!’ I’m gabbling and force myself to slow down. Be normal.
Rachel slides out from behind me and sits down. ‘Isn’t this fab? I’m so pleased you could all make it! But this isn’t the whole surprise.’ This is good, what is also good is that Rachel has distracted us all, so it stops me staring open-mouthed at Maddie and Sal.
‘Guess what?’ She doesn’t give anybody time to answer. ‘I’m getting married!’ Rachel actually squeals and claps her hands. ‘Isn’t it brill?’
With this reminder about why we’re all here, I completely forget about the Sally and Maddie stand-off. They could be scrapping like two cats over a fish head and right now I’d be oblivious. What is important now is that my smile is genuine, that I really do show my best friend that I’m happy for her, and that I really can set aside all my doubts about Michael, and happy ever afters in general.
And stop feeling slightly sick about the prospect of walking up the aisle. Or going to a hen party. Or wearing a pretty dress.
Rachel shoves her hand out, so we can admire the rock. It is my first glimpse. If we hadn’t been talking earth-shattering Mads and Sal stuff in the Ladies’, I would have noticed.
Whatever she did to change Michael, it definitely worked. This is one se
rious diamond. This says commitment in capital letters.
Sal shrieks and hugs her. ‘I knew it! Didn’t I say! I just knew it!’
‘Oh, God, girls, you should have seen him! He came to pick me up in a limo and had posh champagne, and everything.’
I fight to ignore the churning in my stomach. It’s just excitement, nerves, something. But I never did trust flamboyant gestures, although that is what people do when they propose, isn’t it?
Maddie is fanning herself and making aww noises, and Sal is dabbing the corner of her eye theatrically, and I’m welling up all over again.
Maybe Michael has changed, after all it is a while since I’ve seen him (which suits both of us). And he has come running back with his tail between his legs, begging her to marry him – so maybe he’s learned his lesson, and will love and protect my best buddy ‘til the end of their days. I have to believe that.
‘What are we waiting for, let’s order a bottle of bubbly!’
‘Yes, yes!’ Rachel is grinning, hugging herself and looks so happy that I’m happy for her. ‘After you’ve all said you will …’ She pauses and looks at us in turn.
I look at Maddie and Sally who raise eyebrows and shrug in turn. They obviously haven’t heard this bit yet.
‘Be my bridesmaids! That’s why I asked you all here. Oh, you will, won’t you? You have to, it won’t be the same if you don’t!’
‘I’d love to!’ Maddie smiles, but it’s a little uncertain and I notice her slightly shifty ‘Princess Diana’ sideways look towards Sally. She blushes when she realises I’ve noticed and clears her throat. ‘It would be an honour, thank you so much for asking.’ The pinpricks of pink on her cheekbones, and the slight sheen to her eyes makes me frown. She’s also clasping her hands so tightly together in her lap that the knuckles have gone white.
Maddie is sweet, kind and unconfrontational. I’m suddenly sorry about the fact that I’ve not seen her for years.
Rachel waves a hand and the barman arrives with a bottle of champagne that has obviously been pre-arranged.
Bridesmaids: The funniest laugh out loud rom com of 2019 – the perfect beach read! Page 7
