by Jade Wright
It's a wonderfully unique situation.
I have night terrors sometimes, you know. I wake up seeing Piper's face, my face, staring at me.
I'm on so much medication now, but still sleep eludes me.
I've taken up smoking now, too. Since I can't dance anymore, I thought, fuck it. Why not?
I'd found Piper's cigarettes in her handbag and it felt so natural putting one of them between my lips for the first time.
I put one between my lips now and light it up, thinking about the day ahead.
I'm supposed to be meeting up with the girls later but I'm just not sure I'm up to it.
Some days are better than others.
The baby gurgles sleepily as she wakes up.
I look down at this little bundle in my arms. Her baby.
I hear that some days Piper doesn't even remember having her.
How do you just forget nine months of pregnancy?
How do you forget the birth?
How do you forget holding your child in your arms for the very first time?
It's not like she has dementia or something.
Is it possible that throughout her whole pregnancy and birth that Piper was someone else?
I don't know how Dissociative Identity Disorder works. I'm too scared to find out.
Being pregnant while paralysed caused so many problems for her.
I didn't want to hear about all of the issues at first. The urinary tract infections and pressure sores. The confusion. Some days she'd wake up and have no idea why her stomach was so huge.
I wasn't even sure why I was secretly checking in with the nurses to see how she was.
I guess that even after everything she did to me, she'll always be my twin sister.
Our bond, at the end of the day, is unbreakable.
No one will ever understand that.
Our DNA is identical. We are the result of one fertilized egg. One. We are one.
She is special to me – I can't deny that.
I stroke my finger down the baby's nose. It's covered in tiny milk spots.
She gives me a gummy smile, her cleft chin covered in drool.
I smile back down at her, brushing her golden curls to one side. Love swells from deep inside of me.
Tests still need to be done to find out if she's Cody's or Luke's. My guess is Luke's.
She has his long lashes and azure eyes. As blue as the sky.
I guess that's why Piper chose that name for her.
Sky.
She's too beautiful for words.
Piper's pregnancy was a shock to everyone.
She'd been on birth control, but who knows if she was taking it consistently or not. She certainly wasn't consistent with her other medication – but a baby was the last thing any of us expected. She's a little miracle, really.
She's the softest, purest thing I have ever come across.
I don't think anyone knows what innocence is until they hold a newborn baby for the first time.
I don't really know what drove Piper into wanting to keep the baby, if I'm honest. She knew it would be taken from her almost immediately.
All it took was one look at it and I was in love.
It must have been Luke's eyes that did it. I still love him so much.
I told them I'd look after her.
She reminds me of him.
She's my little piece of him to hold on to now that he's gone.
Sometimes I imagine that she's my baby with Luke. Not my sisters baby. That's how it was supposed to be.
I know it's selfish of me to think that way.
There are other reasons I decided to keep Sky too, I swear.
I mean, how could I subject this tiny, defenceless little human to a childhood in foster homes when I know just how bad they can be?
When I looked down at her and saw Luke's eyes staring right back at me full of dependence, I knew I would give her absolutely everything that I'd never had as a child.
Piper told me not to visit her.
She told me to stay away, pretend to hate her.
It was the only way.
People need to trust me, she said.
Now I don't know if it was her talking at all.
I don't even know if she remembers the plan.
Down in that basement I honestly thought she was going to kill me.
With everything she said and told me to do, I just decided to nod my head and agree with everything.
I know it was crazy but I was just trying to stay alive.
But then, through time, being down in that basement and seeing her every day... I just saw my sister again. Tortured and lost, yes. But still my sister.
Perhaps you can call it Stockholm Syndrome.
I don't really know what it is that I have.
All I know is that, just like her, I have blackouts too.
We are twins, after all.
We're more alike than anyone knows.
Obviously I won't tell anybody that. It would ruin everything.
I can't afford to arouse any suspicion.
Even if Piper doesn't remember our plan, I need to see it through.
No one can stop me now.
Jade Lee Wright is a former everything-ist. A jack of all trades. A globe trotter. A hopeless romantic. A true crime addict. Podcaster. Ukelele strummer. Bookworm. Beach bum. Surfer. Terrible artist. An even worse crocheter. A pretty good cook. Massive foodie. Lover of wine. Would rather be camping than in a luxury hotel.
God knows where she is in the world right now. It's constantly changing.
If you ever meet her, tell her to write a better About The Author page.
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