I laugh. I know little tidbits about their life before kids but not details. “She wouldn’t date you then? Why? Because you were younger?”
He chuckles. “Nah. I was way better looking than any guy in her year. Every girl in school wanted me, but Lucy always played it cool and I was too worried she’d shoot me down to take a chance and ask her out. While I was building my courage, Nellie Green asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance and I said yes. Turns out Lucy was gonna ask me but I had no clue and then … well Nellie told everyone we were an item after that, and Lucy believed her. She also hated Nellie, even back then, so I was in the dog house. Then she ran off to college. Not something I had in my future because I knew I was taking over the family business.”
I nod. He grins again. “Never stopped thinking about her, though. Every summer she came back I turned on the charm and she pretended she didn’t care. It was a very long, very frustrating dance. And then she came back from school engaged.”
“What?” I almost shout because I’m so shocked. I knew nothing about this. If any of the Hawkins kids know about it, they never mentioned it.
Charlie leans closer and lowers his voice. “To Stanley Dyck.”
I gasp. “Stan, the owner of Stan’s Seafood?”
Charlie nods. “At that time, he was a baker. He made bread and rolls and had a little shop on Seaside Avenue. Lucy worked with him. I convinced my dad to change suppliers. Buy our rolls from him because she was the one who took and delivered the orders. I knew she was miserable. I knew she was making a mistake. She knew it too, but she was willing to let me go over foolish pride and stupid hurt feelings she used like a shield. The week before her wedding, when she delivered our rolls, I asked if she wanted to see the sunset from the water. Took her out on the boat, told her flat out I was her only shot at happiness, and kissed her like I wanted to do for over half a decade.”
“You dog!” I laugh.
“She called me something more spirited and slapped me across the face,” Charlie recalls and winces at the memory but then the grin is back. “But the next day word got out she’d broken off the engagement, Stan had fired her immediately, and so I walked right over to her house with flowers and offered her a job and a husband. She took both.”
“Oh my God, this story is amazing.” I think of the wedding pictures they have framed on their mantle, the one next to the picture of Terra dressed as Tinkerbell. They got married on the fishing boat by Charlie’s brother Jimmy, who is a priest. They both look positively elated in the photo.
“I have a point to rambling on with our little rocky road to true love,” Charlie says quietly. “And it’s that if you love her—and I know you do—don’t let her go easy. That Tom kid already did. You haven’t yet. And if Aspen’s having your kid, we’ll figure it out. The thing I know about love is that it’s complicated, it’s messy, but when it’s true and real, it makes space.”
“It’s not mine,” I tell him. “We found out when we were at the hospital when she had that scare. I was going to tell Terra everything yesterday but she left with Tom.”
Charlie nods. He doesn’t look relieved or anything, which I find interesting. He really truly believes that baby or not, his daughter loves me and will continue to do so. That gives me a sense of calm I haven’t felt since I moved back if I’m honest with myself.
“If you love my daughter the way I think you do, you’ll tell her. Really tell her. Tom or no Tom.” He turns and starts back toward the door. “Tell Logan bye and you two be safe tonight. Oh and son, don’t ever make me see your naked ass in my house in the same room as my daughter again. Got it?”
“Yes, sir,” I feel my face heat as I watch him go. When the embarrassment subsides, my head and heart are filled with a lot of emotions, but for the first time in a while, none of them are bad.
24
Terra
All I want is to make it through the day without bursting into tears. I thought maybe coming to my happy place, the beach, would give me a better start to the day than staying in bed until my alarm went off, staring at the ceiling while my body fills with despair like high tide climbing up the beach while I’m chained to a brick on the shore.
The sun has just crested the surf, and the weather is cold but not freezing. The rain that started last night turned to flurries, but it didn’t really stick everywhere. The roads are clear but lawns and such are lightly coated. I’m wearing so many layers I don’t feel cold at all as I crest the board walk and make my way over to one of the benches in the snow dusted sand. I take a moment to dust off the name plate with my mitten clad hand. Eammon C Hawkins & Saoirse F Hawkins.
“Hi Nana and Pa,” I say softly and then sit. There’s very little wind, which is a blessing, and the sun has escaped one of the multiple clouds for the moment so I close my eyes and feel its warmth on my face.
I love seeing snow on the beach. High tide, like right now, is my favorite because I love the idea of solid and liquid of the same form meeting. I have no idea why, but I’ve found it fascinating my entire life. I remember being five and my parents would bring us down here at the beginning of December and we’d build a snowman on the beach for Ocean Pines annual beach snowman contest. But my brothers would do all the work and I would just watch the waves as they creeped higher and higher until finally touching the snowy edges and melting it, reclaiming more and more of the beach.
“I knew when you weren’t at home that you’d be here.”
The voice makes me jump, and I turn expecting to see my mom or Nova but it’s Aspen Barlowe. I don’t even bother to waste the energy glaring at her, I simply turn away and focus on the ocean again. She doesn’t take the hint and walks across the snowy sand to join me. Ironically, she’s the only person I ever shared my fascination with beach snow with.
“I guess it’s a good sign you feel well enough to walk down here,” she says quietly after a minute.
“I guess it’s a good sign you’re out here stalking me and not on bed rest or still in the hospital,” I reply coolly.
“Baby is fine. Normal spotting, I guess,” Aspen replies. “I should really read a pregnancy book. But you, the kidney is playing nice? Adapting well?”
“I have some fatigue and my staples don’t come out for another couple of days, but everything is right on track for how it’s supposed to be.” I tell her because I’m hoping she won’t keep talking if I explain things.
“Medically sure,” Aspen replies and that forces my eyes off the ocean and to her pink-cheeked face. “But we both know not everything is how it’s supposed to be.”
“Because my almost-boyfriend knocked you up?”
Aspen’s blue eyes lock with mine, and the sadness emanating from them is palpable. “Your boyfriend, the man you’ve loved your entire life, did not knock me up. It’s official.”
I let that sink in. And it does. It sinks like a stone. “Oh. Okay. Well … it doesn’t change much. I mean, for me. I guess it changes a lot for you.”
“Oh my God Terra, give it up!” Aspen yells so loud that I jump. When I turn to face her again, she looks positively furious. “Do you want me to say it? Do you need me to? Fine. I can do it. I couldn’t admit it as kids because I was so jealous and hurt I couldn’t see straight, but I can now and I will. Problem is I don’t think you’ll actually hear it. You only hear what you want, just like you only see what you want.”
“What the hell are you talking about now?” I snap back. “You know I used to think your non-linear babble was adorable and I was so proud of myself that I usually understood you, but now … now it’s not cute. And I don’t get you anymore because we are not friends.”
“And we are not friends because IT’S ALWAYS BEEN YOU!” Aspen screams that last part, right in my face. Then she lifts her mitten covered hands and mimes like she’s trying to scratch my eyes out or ring my neck or something. Hard to tell with the mitts but the message is not friendly. “Jake Maverick has always wanted you. Always. From probably the minute he started hangin
g out with your family. Definitely from the time he was locked in a closet with you. I always saw it and I was always madly, deeply, truly jealous of it. I never had what you had, Terra. Not the unconditional family support, not the adorable smile, not the perfect grades, not a perfect boy’s unwavering attention.”
She pauses and takes an audible breath, exhaling heavily in frustration. “And as much as I loved you, I was jealous that you didn’t see it. Jesus if any boy looked at me the way Jake Maverick has always looked at you, I would have gone to any lengths to make him take the chance he was too scared to take. You were so insecure, you just shut down. So I tried everything in my power to take your place. I thought if I had the balls you didn’t that would be enough to get him to love me. But it wasn’t.”
“Have you been drinking?” I’m trying to make a joke but there is nothing funny about this.
She points to her stomach and the tiniest bump is visible. “Hello? Baby. Stone cold sober.”
“Then you’re delusional.”
“I’m not the only one who sees it now, Terra. Everyone sees it. Your entire family. Hell, even Miss Patti paid my herbal tea at Dunkin’ the other day because, and I quote, ‘I know that Maverick boy is in love with Terra Hawkins and, well dear, we spinsters need to stick together.’”
I fight so hard to control the laugh that wants to erupt from my chest that I snort right in Aspen’s perky, currently rage-y, little face. Her eyes widen and then she bursts out laughing and I do too. But I’m already shaking my head. “This town is mad. Full of lunatics who don’t know what they’re talking about, and apparently you’re one of them.”
She stops laughing and so do I. We catch our breath and she reaches out and covers my hand in my lap with her own. She gives it a small squeeze. “He hasn’t said it, but he came back for you. And he gave you a goddamn body part, Terra. We dated for a year and I can now officially say the most he’s even given me is an orgasm.”
“He gave me a couple of those too,” I whisper scared to see the reaction that confession will bring to her face. I know we have barely talked for years but … I don’t want to hurt her.
“Your family is all he has,” Aspen says flatly. “You’re his friends and his family all rolled into one. But he’s never thought of you as a sister. He was excellent at pretending he did though, as you know. If this baby was his, it wasn’t going to mean he was mine. He would have still been yours if you wanted him. So ask yourself that, Terra. Would you have still wanted him if this baby was his?”
“Yes.” I confess it without hesitation because the one thing that has never faltered in my life, no matter the obstacles or troubles, is that I look at Jake Maverick and I feel good.
Her curls, unable to do their usual bounce thing because they’re crushed under a knitted hat, shake on her shoulders as she jumps up and stands in front of me. “Then what the hell are you doing running from him right now?”
My eyes stare past her at the rumbling ocean, water crashing forward and wiping the snow off the sand. “Aspen, I spent my whole life waiting for him on some level. And where is he now? One text. He sent one text that said Are you with Tom? Is that it? Are we over?”
“You want him to just show up at your door, bang it down and claim you cave man-style?” Aspen cocks an eyebrow as she shoves her hands in her pockets.
“Not exactly,” I bite back a smile. “But I want to hear all this from him. I deserve an explanation, from him, not you, and I deserve to know how he feels in his words.”
“You know how he feels, Terra. You are the smartest person I know,” Aspen counters. “And that’s why you also know he’s still terrified of real feelings. You’re the psych major, Terra, not me. His childhood was a cycle of abandonment. Deep down, whether he admits it or even realizes it, he thinks people leave him no matter what he says or does. He’s disposable. Unworthy. His feelings don’t matter. They don’t change anything.”
I look at her, my eyes sliding own to the bump under her coat. “Can I ask… if not Jake then..?”
“I told Jake I’d never tell,” Aspen smiles sadly. “But please know, no matter what this town says, and I’m sure there’ll be a lot said, I know who the father is. It was Jake or one other person and … so I know. But I’m the only one who needs to know.”
“Okay,” I nod. I move my eyes back to hers. “Do you wish it was Jake’s?”
“Hell yes,” Aspen says flatly. “He would have been a solid parent.”
Tiny little snowflakes start to slowly drop from the sky all around us. I stand up too. “We should go before my new kidney and your baby become popsicles.”
“Good idea. See, you aren’t a complete idiot,” Aspen winks. I roll my eyes at her but I’m smiling. As we walk the rickety board walk, now a little bit slick in spots from the condensation turn icy, we both reach for each other’s arms at the same time.
“Ronan Green,” Aspen whispers it so softly it takes me a second to register it. My step falters and I stare at her.
“Ronan, engaged-to-be-married Green?” I whisper back and she nods. Her eyes are sad, and I realize instantly she has feelings for him. “Why won’t you tell him? Because of Courtney? They’re toxic. Everyone knows it. You might be doing him a favor.”
“Nellie Green as a grandmother? That’s not doing my baby any favors,” Aspen replies and she pulls me so we keep walking. “Anyway, Ronan knows I’m pregnant now like the whole town does, so the baby might be in my belly, but the ball is in his court.”
We take a few steps in silence and I watch her. She looks stressed and when she opens her mouth, I speak before she can. “I won’t tell a soul. Not Jake or anyone. I promise.”
She smiles gratefully. Our eyes connect again. “Do you remember your high school yearbook quote?” she asks me out of the blue.
“I know yours was ‘As you slide down the banister of life, remember me as a splinter up the ass.’” I reply.
“And yours was ‘I love you Jake Maverick so come and get me when you’re ready,’” Aspen says, and I burst out laughing.
“No it wasn’t, you asshole,” I’m laughing so hard it actually makes my incision ache so I try to stop. “Mine was, ‘Every day of your life is a second chance.’”
“Yeah, but looking back, it sure as hell feels like what I said fits too, huh?” Aspen says as we reach the sidewalk at the end of Winona Avenue. “Well, it could fit, if you let it.”
“Oh my God, keep this up and you’re going to be a great mom,” I say lightly, like it’s a light-hearted joke, but it makes her smile soften and her eyes water. I walk to my truck which is parked in front of her car on the side of the road.
“Thanks,” she says, but I read her lips more than hear the words, her voice is so soft. Her car beeps as she unlocks the door but she pauses, her hand on the handle as I open my door. “You remember Jake’s senior quote?”
“Never say good-bye because saying good-bye means going away and going away means forgetting,” I recite without even having to think about it.
“It’s from Peter Pan,” Aspen reminds me. “Go to him, Tink.”
25
Terra
I text him as soon as I walk in the door to my apartment. Well, actually while I’m resting on the stairs between the second and third floor. Exertion still knocks me on my ass. Doc says it’s all normal.
I’m not with Tom. You and I are not done, but we need to talk. Are you free?
Thunder booms above me as I send the text, and I don’t know if that’s the universe’s way of clapping for me or a warning signal. A couple minutes later, I find the energy to climb the rest of the stairs. Mostly because the rain started to fall in heavy, icy drops all around me. I unlock my front door and step inside, managing to avoid getting drenched as thunder claps again and lightning flashes through all my windows. I take off my coat and mitts and walk through the apartment to the living room. The French doors that lead to my balcony rattle with the wind, which is blowing the sheets of rain sideways.
That is fall in New England for you. One minute snow flurries, the next a hurricane-esque rain storm. As a therapist, sometimes I want to give Mother Nature meds. There’s a hard knock at my door which startles me as I stare out the window and contemplate starting the first fire of the season in my fireplace.
I walk to the door and stretch up on my toes to see through the peep hole. Jake. How did he get here so quickly? My heart starts to gallop as I unlock the door and open it.
“How’d you get here so fast?”
“What?” He looks confused. “I drove here as soon as my shift was over.”
“Have you read my message yet?”
“No. I’ll read it when I’m done telling you something. And if you don’t like what I have to say, you can blame Mr. Hobbs,” he says gruffly as the rain pours down around him.
It’s suddenly all so real. This thing with us, this moment right now is either the beginning or the end. I have no idea which it will be or what Mr. Hobbs has to do with it. Frozen in confusion, I stand in the doorway, wind and water whipping around us. “Mr. Hobbs? The seventy year-old sweetheart who eats chowder every Wednesday?”
Jake nods. “I just want to make it clear to you the reason I did it. The reason I came back, the reason I donated a kidney, it wasn’t for Logan or Finn. It wasn’t so your parents would accept me more or to solidify my spot as an extra in the Hawkins family saga,” Jake is soaking wet now. His onyx hair hangs into his eyes, dripping fat wet drops of water. He doesn’t seem to notice. “I did it because I knew if anything happened to you, I would become Mr. Hobbs.”
“What?” I don’t get it. How would my death make Jake a seventy year-old man?
He takes a step toward me. He’s so close I have to tip my head back to keep eye contact, and the drops of water falling from him are hitting my shoulders and face now as he looks down at me. “If you died … I would spend the rest of my life longing for you.”
The Fall We Fell: A Small Town Friends-to-Lovers Romance (Ocean Pines Series Book 1) Page 24
