by Ian Todd
“Aye, bit ye moved intae mine’s. How blessed is that?”
“Tae Tony’s flat,” she grumbled.
“Fae Wan-bob Broon’s flat,” he swiftly reminded her.
“See, there ye go again.”
“Aw Ah’m saying is, we aw move oan. Christ’s sake, look at me? Ah’m gonnae hiv tae learn tae talk like a Highlander, so Ah am.”
“Dae you really no get it or is this jist another wan ae yer wee wind-ups? Ah’m trying tae explain how Ah’m feeling aboot gieing up a big part ae something that wis ma life.”
“And aw Ah’m saying is that Ah know how ye’re feeling, bit this is your choice. Fur fuck’s sake, beam me up fur being caring.”
“Look, furget it. And turn that crap aff.”
“That crap, fur you’re information, is 461 Ocean Boulevard. Ah thought ye liked ‘Ah Shot The Sheriff?’”
“Johnboy, shut up. Ah’m no gonnae let you sabotage ma future. If you don’t like whit ye see at the other end ae this rainbow, then tough. You know whit ma plans ur. Ah’ve accepted the job and that’s aw there is tae it.”
“That sounds like an ultimatum, so it dis.”
“It is.”
“Oh, by the way. Ah meant tae say tae ye that there’s a party coming up, so there is,” he announced, efter Senga slipped intae the passenger seat.
“Party? Whose party?”
“Tony’s.”
“Whit? Tony Gucci’s hivving a party? Whit’s he celebrating…bumping somewan aff he disnae like?”
“It’s a hoosewarming thing fur the new digs, plus it’s his birthday.”
“Ah don’t believe ye. Kim Sui wid’ve mentioned it.”
“And when wis the last time ye spoke tae Kim Sui, or any ae the other lassies fur that matter?”
“True, it’s been a while. So, when’s that happening?”
“Soon.”
“Like, this Friday? Next Friday?”
“February some time. Ah’m no sure Ah’ll be gaun though.”
“Why?”
“Because Ah cannae be arsed.”
“Naw, Johnboy, ye kin be arsed, believe you me.”
“Why?”
“Because as you said, everywan will be there, so they will. Aw the mair reason fur us tae go.”
“Ah thought you hated aw The Mankys?”
“Ah’ve never said that. Ah said that Ah didnae like Tony. The rest ae them ur okay in their ain wee ways. So, why did ye no mention it when we wur in that cafe at Ballinluig, hivving a cup ae tea and a sanny?”
“Because Ah didnae think ye’d be interested.”
“Naw, it’s brilliant, so it is. Ye kin make the announcement, so ye kin.”
“Eh?”
“Ye heard me. We, you, kin take the opportunity tae announce tae everywan that we’re heidin up the road tae start a new life in the Highlands.”
“Ye cannae dae that at Tony’s birthday party. It’s a birthday celebration.”
“Johnboy, Ah’m telling ye, ye either dae that then, or we’re hivving a leaving party ae oor ain, which ye’ve made crystal clear tae me that ye don’t want. It’s up tae you.”
“So, whit dae ye think aboot ma suggestion then?”
“Suggestion…whit suggestion?”
“Two hours ago?”
“Aboot hivving tae hiv turned right towards Dingwall efter you goat us lost oan the A9?” he replied, as she laughed.
“See, ye jist cannae help yersel, kin ye?”
“You’re the wan that wis responsible fur reading the map, remember? And anyway, we managed tae get tae Ledmore Junction, even if it wis via Ullapool. Nice place.”
“Don’t change the subject, Johnboy. You know fine well whit Ah’m oan aboot.”
“Ah think it’s a mistake. Why upset Tony? He’ll suss oot straight away that it’s you that’s behind it.”
“Me?”
“It’ll come across as you saying ‘Fuck you, Tony,’ in front ae everywan, so it will.”
“So, whit’s the alternative then?”
“The alternative is that ye leave it tae me and Ah’ll tell The Mankys in ma ain good time.”
“Naw, that’s the problem, Johnboy. You won’t. And even if ye dae, you won’t tell me that ye’ve done it and Ah’ll be gaun aboot hauf stressed, so Ah will. The party is the best place. Everywan will be there and it’ll be oot in the open wance and fur aw.”
“He won’t thank ye fur it.”
“Aye, well, furgive me if Ah don’t shed a tear o’er his feelings. That guy’s goat a lot tae answer fur, so he his.”
“Whit dae ye think then?” Senga asked doubtfully, zipping up her coat, shivering, looking across the roof ae the car at him, as Johnboy looked aboot.
“That wis some bloody drive, so it wis. Inverness wis hours back the way.”
“Ah meant aboot the hoose? It looks a wee bit creepy.”
“Creepy? It looks like something even the Addam’s Family widnae live in, so it dis.”
“It dis not,” she scoffed, trying tae sound confident, following his gaze wae her eyes, as a scattered flock ae sheep stoapped whit they wur daeing, tae look across at them, as she tossed the big heavy key across tae him.
“Ah hope ye’re no expecting me tae carry ye across the threshold. There’s probably nae flairs in the place.”
“Ah’ll bet it looks lovely in the summer.”
“If we survive that long,” he replied drily, turning the key in the stiff lock. “Haud oan. Ah’ll see if the lights work. The box is supposed tae be up above the front door.”
“Oh look, a real fireplace,” she cooed, looking aboot the living room.
“Ye’re no seriously expecting us tae kip here the night, ur ye, Senga?”
“Johnboy, Ah’m sure ye’ve slept in worse places. It disnae smell damp either. Here, take this bucket. There’s supposed tae be coal in the bunker at the side ae the hoose wae kindling. You see if ye kin get the fire working and Ah’ll start wae the bedding fae the boot ae the car.”
“Ah’ll need tae get the water turned oan.”
“Right, well, whitever. Ye better hurry though. It looks like it’s gonnae be getting dark soon.”
“It’s only half past wan.”
“Pat’s pal, Angelina, telt her it’s dark by half two up here in the winter, so it is.”
“Right, well, mind ma tranny. We need tae get some sounds intae this place, tae waken up the ghosts and let them know that the Highland’s latest Green Lady and Scotland’s maist famous author hiv arrived tae sort them oot.”
“So, tell me whit ye’re thinking then?” Senga asked him o’er the flickering candle flame, as ‘A Whiter Shade Ae Pale,’ competed wae the wind battering against the rattling windae frames fae his radio.
“At least we kin get Radio Luxembourg when the signal isnae coming and gaun. Fur a while there, Ah thought we’d end up singing alang tae ‘Ah will Survive,’ he replied drily, as the flickering flames in the hearth cast their shadows across the walls and ceiling.
“Naw, Ah meant the lovely meal…oor first night in oor new hoose…and we’ve even goat a garden as well,” she said, efter stoapping chuckling.
“Aye, it’s lovely, bit it’s no as good as ma cooking, so it isnae,” he replied, scooping up some food wae his fork.
“Johnboy, the mince is yours, ya numpty, ye. Ah froze some ae yer last batch tae take wae us, remember? That jist goes tae show that ye jist cannae help yersel wae finding fault wae everything. Christ, noo ye’ve even been caught oot slagging aff yer ain food. That’s a first,” she retorted, as the baith ae them smiled at each other. “Anyhow, that’s no whit Ah wis asking ye.”
“Whit wur ye asking me?”
“Ah wis asking whit ye thought? Ah mean, Ah think it’s pure dead romantic this place, so it is,” she said earnestly, looking aboot the room.
“Romantic? Well, that’s wan way ae putting it. Ah suppose we kin always play finger shadows…if we get bored, that is,” he replied, haudin up his hauns in fr
ont ae the candle flame, as she looked across at the wall.
“Aw, a wee bunny rabbit,” she cooed.
“Rabbit? Senga, that wis supposed tae be a grizzly bear, so it wis,” he sniffed at her, as she laughed and slung the dishtowel across at him.
“Naw, seriously, Ah want tae know whit ye really think.”
“Aye, okay, it’s romantic in a vampire’s lair sort ae way. Jist don’t relax too soon…or go through tae that toilet…the wan that’s masquerading as a freezer, oan yer lonesome, withoot taking a claw hammer wae ye.”
“Why?”
“Why? Because there’s a mega-sized spider hinging fae the bare lightbulb, casting a shadow the size ae a bloody tarantula oan the wall above the bath, so there is.”
“There is not!” she squealed, looking across at the door fearfully.
“You’re the wan that wanted tae live oot in the wilds,” he sang at her.
“Ur you serious…aboot the spider, Ah mean?”
“Look, why don’t ye go and hiv a wee swatch, if ye don’t believe me?”
“Right, that’s it. Before Ah go through there, you’ll hiv tae go in and clear the place oot, so ye will.”
“Me?”
“You.”
“Why me?”
“Ah’m the breadwinner and you’re…you’re jist…”
“The artiste?”
“Ah wis thinking mair ae the hoose-help, while Ah’ll be oot working ma socks aff.”
“So, nothing’ll change too dramatically then?” he asked her, smiling. “That’s good tae know.”
“If Ah don’t see any signs ae a book being written within the first three months, then you’re oot ae that front door, searching fur a job, so ye ur, Johnboy Taylor.”
“A job? Aboot here? Christ, the only person we saw between Ullapool and here wis some auld grizzly back doon the track there at the side ae the road, looking hauf cut, who totally freaked ye oot. He looked like wan ae they guys oot ae that film, Deliverance, so he did.”
“Deliverance?”
“The wan wae the wee guy that looked like yer last boyfriend, who sat oan the porch, twanging that banjo ae his.”
“Never heard ae it.”
“Ye hiv. The song fae it wis called ‘Duelling Banjos’ and wis a big hit up here in the Highlands, so it wis. Went tae number wan in that local village we passed through an hour and a hauf earlier.”
“Look, don’t change the subject.”
“Whit job ur ye suggesting Ah go fur? Even the roads up here don’t hiv painted white lines oan them.”
“Oh, and another thing, Johnboy,” she said, her voice softening dramatically. “The people up here ur nice, so they ur.”
“And whit’s that supposed tae mean?”
“It means that they’re probably no used tae being aroond somewan…like you. It means ye’ve goat tae behave yersel.”
“How the fuck am Ah gonnae get intae trouble when we’re in the middle ae naewhere?”
“Ah’m sure you’ll find a way…people like you and yer pals always dae.”
“Ye’ve such a low opinion ae me, dae ye know that? And here’s you wanting me tae gie up everything fur ye as well,” he hit her wae, laughing.
“Ah mean it, Johnboy. Ye’ll need tae change that anti-social attitude ae yours. This is a new life…fur the baith ae us.”
“Me? Anti-social?”
“Johnboy, ye cannae staun anywan that wears a uniform.”
“You wear a uniform,” he reminded her, exaggerating his hurt.
“Which means Ah know exactly whit Ah’m talking aboot.”
“Fur example?”
“They two young guys…the wee polis cadets…in that café, back in Ballinluig?”
“Ah never clocked any polis cadets in there.”
“Aye, ye did. ‘Who’s he kidding?’ ye said tae me, loud enough fur the baith ae them tae hear ye, efter wan ae them came back fae the toilet. Ah wis so embarrassed, so Ah wis.”
“Ach, well, Ah’m sure he’ll survive until some auld pensioner hits him wae her handbag efter he tries tae help her across a quiet road in his eagerness tae dae something good.”
“See, that’s whit Ah mean? Whit is it wae you and authority? Stoap getting up tae no good and people in uniforms will leave ye alane. It’s actually quite easy when ye try,” she said, no being able tae stoap hersel fae smiling, as he scowled across the table at her.
“Ye’ve goat it aw wrang aboot Tony and the others, by the way,” he came back at her, changing the subject away fae him. “Aye, they could be a wee bit wild in their younger days, bit they’ve been working hard tae stay legitimate, so they hiv. Look at Simon. He’s settled doon and is gaun oot wae that brief, whit’s her name…”
“Elspeth Jeffreys.”
“That’s her. Fuck, when his he ever settled doon wae a lassie? Ah mean, somewan like her widnae be wae somewan like him, if he wis still involved, noo wid she?”
“Maybe,” she conceded doubtfully.
“Ye’re sitting there gieing Tony a hard time that isnae deserved, so ye ur. If only you knew. Christ, he’s a complete angel compared tae whit he wis in the past…they aw ur.”
“Dae ye think they ginger bottles hiv warmed up the bed yet?” she asked, stretching and yawning.
“Aye, if the boiling water hisnae cracked open and flooded the mattress. Ah knew Ah’d furgoatten something…other than the blue bag wae the sannys and tea flask in it,” he finely admitted, as the baith ae them looked at each other across the tap ae the candle and smiled.
Chapter Forty Two.
The three bodies roond the table jumped at the sudden thumping oan the front door. The bigger ae the two bizzies quietly nipped across tae the curtain oan his tip-toes, withdrawing the gun fae his shoulder holster oan route.
“I can’t see who it is,” he turned and whispered tae his partner, who wis in the middle ae lifting his finger up tae his lips, shushing the white-faced third card player opposite him, the card game totally furgoatten aboot noo.
“Stay quiet,” wan ae them warned him, as the pair ae them disappeared oot the living room door intae the lobby as he swithered whether he’d be able tae drag himsel oot ae the wheelchair and throw himsel oot the side windae intae the garden.
He cursed in frustration. John The Haun felt the sweat break oot across his brow, haudin his breath, listening attentively, no being able tae steady the shake in his hauns. The sound ae the voices wur muffled. His body jist aboot lifted itsel oot ae the wheelchair as the front door wis slammed shut. The two Highland chookter bizzies reappeared through the door, wan ae them carrying a broon cardboard box tied wae string.
“Wh…whit is it?” he whimpered, sounding really nervous.
“You better move back, laddie,” the wan carrying the box said, as the other wan gripped the two handles ae his wheelchair and steered him backwards across tae the windae, as the wan in charge ae the box lay it doon oan tae the table oan tap ae the playing cards, before extracting a pen knife fae his trooser pocket.
The pair at the windae watched silently, as the string wis cut and the sealed lid carefully prised open. Efter a momentary pause, he looked up at them wae a smile, before lifting the square cake oot ae the inside ae it and lay it doon in the middle ae the table.
“You never told us that it was your birthday, John,” he said, smiling.
“Bit…Ah…er.”
“Hang on,” the other bizzy said, bending doon and joining his colleague, slowly inserting the blade ae the penknife doon intae the inside ae the cake, starting fae the middle oot tae the edge ae it. “Seems fine to me.”
John The Haun gripped the wheels and manoeuvred closer tae the table, before peering doon at the cake, a puzzled expression taking o’er his face.
‘Happy Birthday, from the boys back in the toon, John,’ hid been written in blue piping oan tap ae the white icing.
He turned and peered at the address oan tap ae the lid ae the box.
‘John McClure, C/O Fisherman’s
Cottage, Endrick Water, Balfron.’
“Here you go, laddie,” the taller ae the two bodyguards said, his erm stretched oot wae a slice ae cake in his haun, as the other wan licked a bit ae icing fae his finger, before biting intae his slice.
“Bit…bit how the fuck did they basturts know where tae find me?” John The Haun wondered fearfully, clearly shocked, his face as white as the icing oan tap ae his cake, as the smiles oan the two plods froze and the slice ae cake he’d jist been haunded landed oan the footrest below his shaking, trembling knees.
Chapter Forty Three
Teddy Bare stood up, waiting fur the formal charges tae be read oot, efter sitting fur whit seemed an eternity, watching the clerk ae the court picking oot wee folded slips ae paper fae a glass vase, before shouting oot the names ae the people who wur gonnae be sitting oan the jury. Oot ae the thirteen, eight ae them wur wummin, fur fuck’s sake!
“Don’t worry, Teddy, the fact that they’re wummin won’t sway them wance they hear your side ae the story,” John Howdy, his QC, hid leaned across and said reassuringly, efter the jury hid been installed oan the benches o’er tae his left.
It wis only wance everywan hid settled doon, efter the clerk hid called the court tae rise when Lord Campbell appeared up oan the bench, that he’d realised the significance ae whit his QC hid informed him. Fur a start, he’d never agreed tae staun up in the dock and defend himsel in person. The agreement wis fur him tae sit quiet and let the QC dae the talking, while destroying the other side while he wis at it.
“Aye, Ah’ve decided tae change tactic,” his QC hid whispered, ignoring how agitated he’d become. “Given who they hiv as witnesses noo, we need tae be prepared tae show them that ye’ve nothing tae hide and ur prepared tae robustly defend yersel,” he’d purred soothingly, before turning back roond tae the proceedings, getting himsel comfy oan his red leather padded chair.
The Crown hid suddenly introduced new witnesses, in the shape ae Pricilla Presley and some ae the other hairys oot ae the force fae a few years ago. Howdy hid claimed that rather than object against their inclusion, he’d demolish them wance they wur up oan the stand.
