“You are too pessimistic Thomas,” she replied, “I’m sure she will be thrilled to retire from that stressful job she struggles with.”
Who was this woman? I wondered, and how did she know so many buttons to press?
“You seem to know a great deal about us Grandmother,” I said warily. “I don’t even know your name or how to get in touch with you.”
“My real name would not be easy for your English tongue,” she laughed, “so I go by Iris Chen. My husband’s name is Norman and you can reach us at 888-888-8888. My uncle has an opening for this coming Friday afternoon that would likely see you going home Sunday evening. I’ll expect to hear from you tonight.”
“Yes, Grandmother,” I sighed, “tonight.” I wondered as I hung up how Vicki would react.
I waited nervously all day for Vicki to come home and got very little accomplished. Grandmother sure knew what levers to pull. The car was one of my dream cars and the money, with what we already had, would mean we could both quit work and live out our days quite comfortably. And that was if there was just one child. I suspected Grandmother would not stop at one. But Vicki was the practical one, she would think of possible legal responsibilities and procedural complications well beyond what I would consider reasonable.
The hours dragged by. At four-thirty, having completed all of a page and a half of the system documentation I was supposed to have finished for Monday, I went upstairs and started making supper. I enjoy cooking, experimenting actually. Sometimes it works, sometimes not, but it’s always interesting. My mom couldn’t boil water, but all her kids are pretty good in the kitchen. Her story now is that she helped us become good cooks because she was so bad.
It was going on six by the time Vicki came strolling into the kitchen with a handful of junk mail fliers and a few bills.
“Hey beautiful,” I said kissing her on the cheek, “how was your day?”
“Hot tub tonight,” was all she said. That typically meant there was some venting to be done but she needed to get comfortable first.
“Like some wine?” I asked.
“Sure, but not your Italian stuff. Do we have any Merlot?”
“I think so. I’ll bring it up.” I headed for the bar and soon returned with two glasses of red wine.
I decided I couldn’t wait through supper to bring up Grandmother’s proposition so I started in after the first sip of wine. “The grandmother called today,” I began.
“Your old Chinese lady friend?” asked Vicki seeming a bit startled. “How’d she get our number?”
“Don’t know,” I replied. “She called my cell. She had an intriguing offer.”
“I’ll bet,” Vicki said sarcastically. “You know how I feel about you getting potent again.”
“I wouldn’t, not the way she described it,” I answered hurriedly. I felt I needed to get everything out quickly before she could pick apart the pieces. “I would go to the university hospital Friday afternoon and a surgeon from the fertility clinic would insert a kind of collector in me and they would collect sperm for a couple of days. My body still makes it, it just never goes anywhere ‘cause the tubes are cut. When they’re done, the collector is removed and I’m the same as before I went in. She said it was like taping a maple tree.”
“Very poetic,” replied an unconvinced Vicki. “And what do we get from this, a gallon of syrup?”
“Actually no. We get one million plus an AMG Mercedes for me to go through the procedure,” I answered as calmly as I could. “Then we would get another million for each child that’s born from my donation.”
Vicki straightened in her chair and gave me an unreadable look. “You’ve called and told her yes, right?” she asked.
“No I haven’t,” I said. “I wasn’t sure how you’d feel about it, or if it’s moral to do something like this.”
“Moral?” she almost yelled, “you want to talk about moral, we’ll talk about what that bitch in public relations pulled on me today! Call her! Call her now!”
I guess I spent all day worrying for nothing. I thought to myself. I went to the phone and dialed the Chinese lucky number. “Grandmother,” I said when the phone picked up, “you have a deal. When and where on Friday?”
“Norman will pick you up at your house, be ready to leave by three. He will deliver you to the fertility clinic. Your appointment is with Dr. Charmin Yu. You can tell Vicki that she can visit Saturday morning any time after ten. If everything goes as planned, you will be driving home in your new Mercedes sometime after supper on Sunday. Any questions?”
“No,” I replied. “I’ll be ready Friday afternoon.”
“Good,” she said. “I’ll see you in the hospital at some point. I want you and my niece to meet. Have a pleasant evening.” She hung up.
“Well, we’re all set. I go in Friday, come back Sunday evening and you can actually visit starting Saturday morning,” I smiled at Vicki.
“I may be too busy shopping to visit,” she snickered. “Now I really need a tub. We’ll have supper later.”
Norman arrived promptly at three on Friday to drive me to the hospital. He seemed a rather jovial chap, chatty and cracking jokes. His driving skills were definitely oriental but we managed to get to the fertility clinic in one piece. He wished me good luck as I left the car.
The receptionist, obviously used to handling delicate subjects, asked for the name of the specialist I was to see today. “Dr. Yu,” I answered.
“You’ll have to be a bit more specific,” she said, “there are five of them working in this unit.”
“Dr. Charmin Yu. Sorry, I didn’t know it was such a popular name,” I mumbled apologetically.
“Please have a seat Mr. Eberle,” she pointed to a waiting area. “Dr. Yu’s nurse will be out to collect you shortly.”
The rest of the evening is a bit of a blur. I don’t do well with drugs that knock you out, so other than the fact that the nurse was rather pretty and the doctor rather fat, my story is vague. I remember coming out of the fog around seven but it was past nine by the time I managed to lift myself up on one elbow and take a drink of water. One of the nurses came to take my pulse and pressure and see if I was okay. I lied and said I was, but I had this pinching feeling between my legs that was uncomfortable. Fortunately she read my mind, lifted my sheets and maneuvred something under there and the pinching ceased.
I was about to see if there was a hockey game on the TV when Grandmother entered the room trailed by one of the most gorgeous women I’d ever seen. She was an Asian beauty — perfect skin, long black hair down to her waist, everything in the right proportion. “Thomas, I hope you are well,” Grandmother began. “This is my niece Shazan.”
I raised myself to one elbow and said, “Your grandmother is a liar Shazan. She told me you were a ‘pretty girl,’ but you’re a beautiful woman.”
The rising color of her blush was all the thanks I needed.
“Don’t be flirting where you cannot proceed,” warned Grandmother. “What would Vicki say if she heard you talking like that?”
“She’d probably agree with me,” I responded. “But you’re right; I am a happily married man.”
She handed me a cashier’s check for one million dollars. “I suspect you’ll be more happily married once she sees that check,” chuckled Grandmother. “I have something, a family piece, that I would like you to have Thomas. I gave a matching pendant to Shazan. It’s jade, but the piece in the middle is so fine it is almost transparent. You would honor me if you would wear it; it’s a little piece of me that I can give to the two of you for making me so happy.”
“Thank you Grandmother,” I said as she slipped the fine gold chain over my head, “it is very pretty; in a masculine sort of way.”
Grandmother laughed, “You men need a bit of the Yin to counteract all your Yang. Now I’m going to find D
r. Yu to make sure everything is going well. You two get to know one another.” With that she left to find the good doctor.
“Is there any pain?” Shazan asked when the door had closed.
“There was some discomfort, but the nurse fixed that. Now it’s just getting used to lying on my back for a couple of days. I’m a stomach sleeper so I’ll have to make some adjustments.”
Shazan approached the bed and surprised me by lifting the covers. She reached in and touched me softly, with the predictable result. Holding my erection firmly in her hand she whispered, “When I am in the pain of my labor I will think of the joy we should have had making this baby and I will be content.” She kissed my forehead and retreated just as the door opened and Grandmother reappeared.
“All is well?” she asked.
We both nodded. I wasn’t sure but I suspect Grandmother noticed the rise in the bed sheets. She said nothing however but came closer to the bed. “Norman will bring the car for you Sunday evening. His friend will give him a ride home so you can return directly to Vicki. I cannot tell you how thankful I am that you agreed to do this for me Thomas. I’m sure there will be a beautiful child as a result. When it arrives would you like to visit?”
That caught me by surprise. I had suspected that she would not want anything to do with me after she had collected what she needed. “Yes,” I stammered. “Yes, I believe I would like to see what an Asian Eberle would look like; especially with such a beautiful mother.”
“We will call you when the time is right then,” said Grandmother. “Until then Thomas, I would appreciate it if you honor our privacy.”
“I trust you Grandmother. I’ll wait for your call.”
Then they left. Leaving a poor male to contemplate things that would never be.
Sunday afternoon Dr. Yu came in beaming from ear to ear. “You good maple tree,” he said. “We have many sperm. You can go home knowing you have lived up to your side of the bargain. We’ll take out the collector now, then you rest a few hours and Norman will come for you.”
Sure enough, about six thirty that evening I was wheeling my way home in one of the sweetest rides a man could ever hope to enjoy. Black on black with just enough chrome to look awesome. Not to mention 0 to 100 in 4.4 seconds; the kind of acceleration that can give you whiplash. I had given Vicki the check when she came to visit Saturday morning. She’d called since then but had work to catch up on so hadn’t been by to visit. The check had gone into our account and we almost immediately received a call from one of the investment branch people wanting to lavish their support on us. When the second check came, we promised ourselves that we would both quietly retire and enjoy some world travel time.
I’ll have to admit the next nine months seemed to take forever. Men don’t do patient well, that’s why God lets women get pregnant and men hand out cigars. Even though I didn’t really think of the up-coming birth as a member of the family, in a way I did. It was an odd double standard — it was and it wasn’t mine.
The phone call came during that quiet week between Christmas and New Year’s. Shazan had delivered beautiful, healthy twins! A boy and a girl. Grandmother named them Adam and Eve, her first grandchildren. And Norman came around almost as soon as I had hung up the phone with another cashier’s check; this one for two million dollars.
“Well stud, you did good,” smiled Vicki as she looked at the check.
“Thank you, but I think I need some more practice,” I replied as I put my arm around her waist and headed for the bedroom.
A few days later I got a call on my cell from Shazan. “Thomas, it’s Shazan. Can you talk?”
“I learned that a long time ago,” I joked. “I hear you have the most beautiful twins in the universe.”
“Oh Thomas, they are. I know I would think so regardless, but they are perfect. And you are their father Thomas; we should be a family, together.”
Red alert! This is not a path to be taken. “Shazan,” I said, trying to keep my voice as neutral as possible, “Grandmother would be devastated if you took those children from her. I’m not sure but I suspect she would hunt us down even if we ran to the ends of the earth, and the result would not be pretty. Not to mention what Vicki would do with what was left.”
“Thomas, the children need you as their father,” she cried into the phone.
“It cannot be Shazan,” I tried to reason with her. “Grandmother paid me to do her a service. I don’t know your part but I suspect you were looked after too. I can’t do what you want, I cannot betray the trust my wife and Grandmother have placed in me. I cannot.”
“Goodbye Thomas,” she said and the phone went dead.
I tried calling Grandmother but it went to voice mail. “It’s Thomas, Grandmother,” I said, “I just got a call from Shazan. I think you might want to check on her and the babies, just to be sure everything is al right. Bye.”
Time rolled quietly onward. It was summer; Vicki and I had joined a golf club and were enjoying playing almost every day. We had just returned from the club one evening when the house phone rang.
“Good evening, Thomas Eberle,” I answered.
“Thomas, it’s so good to hear your voice. It’s Shazan.”
Like I needed to be told who it was! “Shazan,” I said, “how are the babies and Grandmother?”
“We are all doing wonderfully,” she replied. “Grandmother is planning a summer party and was wondering if you would like to come?”
“Absolutely,” I said, “when is the day?”
“Two weeks this coming Saturday, can you make it?”
I cupped my hand over the phone. “Two weeks Saturday can we make a party at Grandmother’s?” I asked my social convener.
After a few seconds she replied, “You can, but I’ll be on a seminar in Florida.”
“Too bad for you,” I said to Vicki. Back in the receiver I replied, “That will be great for me, but bad for Vicki, she’s on course. Will you take just me?”
“You are always welcome in Grandmother’s house Thomas; of course we will take just you. Tell Vicki we’re sorry she can’t make it.”
“Can I bring anything?” I asked.
“Grandmother would be offended if you brought anything but yourself and an appetite. I’ll give you the address, write it down and don’t lose it,” Shazan laughingly replied. “See you then.”
Saturday eventually arrived. I had picked up two little stuffed animals for the twins, and then I drove my beautiful Mercedes over to the address Shazan had given me. When I arrived something didn’t feel right. I expected more cars, more people, more something. I was on a quiet residential street in a good, but not great part of town, and it looked like I was the first to arrive. I checked the car clock, it was after eight. Maybe grandmother’s guests are late arrivers, I thought as I parked the car and headed for the house.
I rang the bell and Shazan was quick to answer. “I’m very glad you could come,” she said with a smile that lit up the room. “The twins have been so good today, it’s like they knew this was going to be a special night. And you brought them puppies! How adorable, let’s see if they know how to play with them.”
“They’ll likely try to chew the heads off,” I suggested, “everything our boys touched at this age went into their mouth.”
She gave the soft puppies to the kids and I was right. Straight into the mouth they went. “Well, it’s nice to know some things are still predictable,” I said. “Where’s Grandmother and Norman and the rest of the party?”
“Just a minute,” she called back as she started down a hallway, “I just need to check something.”
I sat on the floor between the twins. I had to admit they were two of the cutest kids on the planet as they gummed their new puppy dogs. We played peek-a-boo for a bit and then I had the sense there was someone behind me. It was Shazan, and what she
was wearing was not the type of robe a mother of twins entertaining a married man should be wearing. There was precious little left to my imagination as I stood up and turned to look at her.
“This is the twins’ six month birthday,” she started quietly, taking a step towards me, “and I wanted them to be with their father. I wanted to be with their father too. Why can’t we be together, even if it’s just for today, would that be so bad?”
She wrapped her arms around my waist. No, it wouldn’t be so bad, I thought, in fact I suspect it would be great — until tomorrow. Until Grandmother and Vicki and my boys found out I was just talk and no substance.
I reached down and held her arms and gently pushed her away. “I can’t do what you want Shazan,” I said quietly. “I can’t ruin the trust Vicki and Grandmother have in me. The cost of being with you, no matter how sweet, is just too high for me to pay. I care for you Shazan, but like a sister. And I love the twins, but like an uncle. I have my own life to live; you need to find one for yourself.”
I didn’t trust myself even to give her a kiss on the forehead so I turned and walked to the door. It seemed that just as I went to turn the knob, the door flew open and four young men burst into the room. The first two pinned me against the wall, while the last one in took in the scene quickly and then ignored me. “Well, Shazan,” he leered at her, “you never got that sexy stuff on for me. Who the hell is this joker and why does it look like he’s about to leave?”
“Get out of here Jerred,” she yelled. “If Grandmother finds you here you will be in trouble.” She moved to the children and picked up Eve.
“The old witch must be out of town or your lover boy wouldn’t be here,” he jeered. He beat Shazan to Adam and scooped him up off the floor and pretended to toss him to one of the other punks.
“Don’t!” she screamed at him. Immediately both babies began to cry.
Tesseracts Fourteen: Strange Canadian Stories Page 16
