“What needs to happen?” Her eyes go a bit wider.
But I’m never, ever going to tell her that.
“All right,” she says, relaxing slightly. “I can see this is a lot for you.”
I nod. “Thanks.”
She steps forward, getting between my legs. “So you said sometimes you feel chaos? Sometimes you don’t?”
I nod.
“What helps the most?”
I blink, looking up at her, feeling my love, my bond, swirling inside me. When I touch her, everything seems clearer. “You,” I say simply.
She smiles as she gets onto my lap, taking my face in her hands as she kisses me passionately, making everything confusing inside me just fade away, leaving only love and excitement in its place.
“You saved me,” she says, brushing her lips against mine as she pulls back slightly. “I’m not going to give up until you’re saved also.”
I’m not sure that’s possible.
But as we kiss, undress, and make love on my bed, entwined in each other and bathed with moonlight, I can’t help hoping it might be.
18
Ian
In the morning, I leave Liz with Callie and Flynn, telling her I need to take care of something.
She gives me a look that begs me not to do anything stupid, but thankfully, she trusts me enough to let me go.
God, it’s hard to be apart from her now. I feel it like an ache in my bond.
Dallin agreed to meet me at his house, a rundown old mansion at the end of a long dirt road. It’s redbrick, almost engulfed in vines.
The interior is nice, though, and he takes me down to his office in the basement, which is renovated to look like a lab with cement floors and clean white walls.
Plus, a few barred cells with beds in them.
Our friend from the parking lot is recovering on one of them, and he gives me an angry look as I walk past him to sit on a rolling chair across from Dallin.
Dallin looks odd in a lab coat with his huge shoulders and scruffy beard. “Get on with it. I’m busy,” he says tersely.
I frown, taking in a breath through my nose as I try to compose my thoughts. “Have you felt… chaos? From Ultraviolet?”
The dragon lets out a snort. “I’d be surprised if I didn’t sometimes. He’s betraying the whole fae world. Doesn’t that cause chaos in your kind? Unlike us, you don’t have to be infected with it.”
“Fuck you,” the dragon from the cell says, sitting up. “Why didn’t you kill me when you had the chance?” Then he lies back on the bed, grumbling at the ceiling. He has thick black hair and piercing golden eyes, green at the center.
Striking, hard features like a statue.
He catches me looking at him and glares at me before turning his huge body away, apparently preferring to stare at the wall rather than look at me.
“Get on with it,” Dallin says. “You can’t have come here just about Ultraviolet having chaos. Surely, you have some too.”
I frown. “There’s a difference between the chaos that comes from confusion and the chaos that comes from considering something bad. That kind of chaos turns someone.”
“Ultraviolet has control,” Dallin says. “That much I know.”
But even he looks a bit uncertain, maybe due to the fact that no one really understands exactly how chaos works.
That’s why we chase it away in the fae world and kill it if it tries to come back.
But perhaps things aren’t so simple.
“I have chaos in me,” Dallin says. “Ryder there does as well. Abuse causes chaos.”
“Thanks for that, by the way,” Ryder sneers from his cot.
“It wasn’t me,” I say, hands in fists. “I had no idea those experiments were happening. That’s why I initially agreed to… what Ultraviolet said.”
Dallin’s eyes widen as he looks at me, then narrow to turquoise slits. “Don’t tell me you’re backing out. Don’t fucking tell me that.”
I don’t know what to say. “I just wonder if Ultraviolet… is going about this the right way.”
“No, fuck you!” Dallin says, kicking his chair into the desk behind him with a crash as he comes forward to shove me.
I stumble back, then pull out my wand, aiming it at him as he glares at me, betrayal as clear on his face as the light in the basement.
“Typical light fae,” Ryder says. “All talk and no action when it comes down to it.”
“You are not backing out of this,” Dallin says. “Not when we’re so close.”
“What if Ultraviolet isn’t doing this for the reasons he says? What if he’s truly chaos infected? I’m chaos infected, so I’m not sure I would know. He got me when I was at a low point, but what if he’s hiding something? What if we’ve got him all wrong?”
“I grew up with him,” Dallin says. “He was made in that lab like me.”
My jaw snaps shut. “What?”
Dallin closes his eyes. “I’m not supposed to talk about that.” He rubs the bridge of his nose. “They were trying to amplify his glamour abilities. They used chaos… anyway. It might make him more prone to… certain things. But I totally agree with his plan.” He glares at me, folding his massive arms. “It’s just a question of whether you’re too selfish and cowardly to keep your word.”
Confusion and darkness roil in me, but the thought of Liz’s face keeps me grounded.
“I’ll still help you save every dragon. And I’ll topple the light world, but in the right way and—”
The dragon lets out a cruel, ugly laugh. “You think that won’t tip off the light kingdom? You think that won’t result in them winning and keeping the power they’ve always had?” He shakes his head. “If you aren’t with us, you’re betraying us.” He scowls. “I should have expected as much from a light fae.”
I lower my wand, back to being confused again.
I look to Ryder, who is glaring at me over his shoulder. I can’t just ignore what he and the other dragons and even other fae have been through.
But I can’t ignore the fact that after talking to Liz, there may be more chaos than anyone knows in Ultraviolet.
He might be manipulating us all.
I just don’t know anymore.
Dallin scoffs. “It’s that human. Dark fae. She’s getting to you, isn’t she?”
I glance up at him, surprised. “Maybe.”
He shakes his head. “She’s so innocent. So ignorant of our world. How can she ever understand what we went through?” He glares at me. “They killed you. Tried anyway.”
My heart pounds. It’s what he and Ultraviolet always remind me of, and it’s a surefire way to induce chaos in my heart.
But now that I can tell that’s what they’re doing, I can no longer go along with it.
Because I now realize that the feeling of satisfaction I have when I think of completing my mission in the light world is just chaos making me think things are simpler than they are.
Giving me something to hold on to, like hate and revenge, when I really need to be living in the gray areas.
Figuring the right way to go about what I need to do.
Liz might not understand the fae world, but she isn’t innocent. She’s been homeless, attacked, friendless, and she still chooses to fight and see the good things.
I think I can do that as well if I’m brave.
“Coward,” Dallin spits. “Fucking traitor.” He turns away from me, shoulders hunched. “I thought you were on our side.”
I can feel real hurt from him, and that hurts me. Because I have come to consider Dallin as a friend.
“Told you all light fae were worthless,” Ryder mutters.
I turn away from them because I can tell I’m not going to get through. “I’m still willing to help,” I say softly. “Just not… how you want me to.”
“Well, this is just great,” Dallin says. “What an awesome turn of events.” His voice is harsh. Hoarse.
I whirl to face him. “What would you do? If you h
ad a chance to be happy, and it made you see through the chaos to a future other than vengeance?”
Dallin’s expression only hardens. “That ship sailed long ago, thanks to light fae like you.”
“If we do this the right way, maybe we can find a way to heal you,” I say. “You and Ryder and other dragons.”
“Ultraviolet would have thought of that,” he says darkly. “So just go. We don’t need you anymore. And watch your back. Or don’t. I don’t care.”
“You truly trust him?” I ask, realizing this is hopeless.
Dallin nods. “He’s difficult and spoiled, but he has never betrayed me.”
“That might change, depending on how much he embraces chaos.”
“It doesn’t concern you anymore, does it?” Dallin asks. “But by the way, you probably better prepare yourself because Vexxus isn’t going to take your betrayal as well as I am.”
My hands tighten into fists. “Then you tell him to stay the fuck away from my soul bond.”
The dragon shakes his head, walking away from me. “That’s beyond me now.” He looks over his shoulder. “I’d say good luck, but I don’t mean it.”
“Dallin, this has been killing me. I want to help everyone, and I feel guilt every day over what certain parts of the light kingdom do. I was abused by them too. But I’ll be weaker, not stronger, if I do this out of revenge, out of hate. I don’t want to lose myself to chaos. I’ll help you, just not… how Ultraviolet wants me to. I don’t think that would really help.”
“Stop justifying yourself,” Dallin says, pointing to the cell as he still faces away from me. “That dragon was tortured, made hybrid with fae blood, and infected with chaos through abuse. If you can just stand by and wait for our liberation to be convenient…”
“It’s not that,” I say, almost shouting now as hatred and rage rush through me at the thought of what the light fae did. “I want to help, but I don’t think Ultraviolet is going to help you.” It feels as if I’m facing the truth for once, even though it hurts me. “To be honest, it seems he’s only out for himself.”
Dallin shakes his head. “Just get out of here. You’re the selfish one, and I’ll seriously hurt you if you stay. Get out.”
I turn, gathering light energy to disappear. “I’m sorry we couldn’t still figure out a way to work together, Dallin. I really am. I hope you don’t regret choosing Ultraviolet’s plan.”
“You’re the one who will regret this,” he says in a tone filled with loathing.
I close my eyes, thinking of Liz, and let my body become light so I can travel back to her.
Despite the pain of this moment, I do think I’m doing the right thing.
It’s just too bad it’s so painful.
19
Liz
When Ian came back from his trip to see Dallin, I could tell it really wore on him to do what he’d said he would.
But he also seemed satisfied, and as we hung out with his friends and played games a little longer, it seemed like a weight had been lifted off his back.
So when he came to me later that day and said he wanted to take me to the beach in the evening, of course I said yes.
We’re at the point where I will do anything for that man.
The drive to the ocean was several hours, and we spent it in mostly comfortable silence, showing each other the music we like and just reveling in the fact that there seems to be a path to a future for us, finally.
Even if a part of me is uneasy that maybe I pressured him and he’s going to change his mind.
I know he’s still sad that he disappointed Dallin.
But we’ll still help the dragons. I promised him that.
He parks Mr. Rollie at the lot above the beach, and as we get out, the sun is setting, casting bright orange and silver rays over a deepening gray horizon.
The moon is already visible, and the stars are bright above the ocean tonight.
He gets out a duffle bag and a cooler and refuses to let me carry either, so instead, I take the keys and lock the car and follow him down the narrow, wooden path to the beach below.
The water looks deep blue-gray, reflecting hints of orange as the waves crest and crash against the wet brown sand.
Ian sets down the cooler, opens the duffle, and pulls out a sleeping bag, which he unzips and weights down at the corners, making a makeshift blanket that will protect us from the wet sand.
But then he takes off his shoes and gestures for me to do the same.
I do, rolling up my jeans at the same time so I can wade a bit in the water if that’s what he wants.
But as he walks forward, he stops a few feet from where the ocean can meet his feet, the wash of the water reaching for his toes but failing to grasp them.
He eyes the ocean, and there’s a desolate but resigned look in his eyes as I come up to stand beside him.
He puts his hands on his hips, facing the horizon. “You know, I came here with Flynn and Callie, but I couldn’t handle the waves.”
“I think you told me about that,” I say. “Either you or Callie did.”
He flashes me a grin, and his handsome features are so beautiful lit by the sunset. His gray eyes reflecting bits of orange and blue, stormier than the sea. “Did they tell you Flynn had to pull me out?”
“No,” I say. “Just that you didn’t have a good time in the ocean.”
He shakes his head. “I couldn’t handle the waves. Each one seemed to knock me over. I couldn’t anticipate the randomness of them.”
“Ah,” I say. “That is a bit hard.”
“I’m not a fighter like Flynn is. Or you, for that matter. I’ve never had to face the tough gray areas of life and fight through the waves tossing against me. I’m not resilient like you and Flynn are.”
“We all have our strengths,” I say. “I think you’re resilient. Strong. Brave.”
“It’s not so much bravery as the willingness to fall and get back up. To not get confused or rankled when things don’t go your way.” He sighs. “You have been teaching me about that ever since you met me, and you’ll never know how grateful I am.”
I nod, staying quiet because I sense he has more to say.
“I can fight and I’m strong, but when I was in the light kingdom, I lost control over myself. I lost my head. I felt… chaos and hate. Flynn stayed calm and did what he had to, but—”
“Why do you say that?” I ask. “Maybe Flynn was less calm than he looked.”
“Flynn was raised to be a fighter from birth. I was sheltered. Catered to. Literally chained up in a tower and told not to fight.”
“Ah,” I say because I haven’t heard that much about his time growing up in the light kingdom.
He has never wanted to talk about it.
I can’t resist stepping closer, putting my hand in his to offer what comfort I can.
“I didn’t realize how fragile I was until the day I died,” he says. When he pauses, a muscle in his jaw flexes, making his expression even harder. “I didn’t realize what it would do to me to have my perfect world ruined. But Dallin and Ultraviolet gave me a way to focus on what I had always wanted to focus on. Helping others.”
“I see.”
“It’s what I always wanted. Why I waited in that tower. I dreamed of helping and saving the fae world. I guess Ultraviolet’s grand plan helped me feel there was a way to do that.”
“Makes sense,” I say. “I don’t blame you for thinking that.”
He puts a hand to his chest. “Even now, there is still turmoil in my heart. When I’m not able to focus on my own destruction or my purpose in some cause, I have to face how life really is.”
“And how is it?” I look up at him warily.
He smiles down at me, and it’s a real smile, one that doesn’t counter the pain in his eyes or look fake at all. “Difficult. Complicated because there are no easy answers to the problems in both the fae world and this one. No way for me to be the hero or the sacrifice I thought I would be one day.”
“It is,” he says. Then he squeezes my hand. “But it’s also wonderful, and since I met you, I’ve been alive in a way I never was before. Not the spoiled, sheltered light prince. Not the rage-filled, vengeful monster who can take down the fae world. Just me. Ian. Trying to figure out my place in everything.”
“And what did you figure out?”
“My place is with you,” he says. “After our days together, that much I’m certain of.”
I smile, feeling warmth run down to my toes. I walk in front of him to face him and run my hands over his arms, soothing the hairs that are standing on edge. “I feel like my place is with you also. I’m glad you feel the same way.”
He stares at the ocean for a moment. “It won’t always be easy, and I’m sorry about that. But I know there is still a lot of suffering, and a part of me feels like I’m shit for not dropping everything to go stop it. But to stop it would mean not being with you. So I can’t imagine Ultraviolet’s plan is right.”
I nod. “Agreed.”
“So yes, it will be difficult, and it won’t all be sunshine and rainbows. But if you want me, I’m yours.”
His face is so vulnerable, those big gray eyes studying me for any hesitation.
I simply reach up and thread my hands into his hair, brushing back the beautiful pale locks from his forehead.
God, my soul bond is gorgeous. And I know this is hard for him, so I’m going to make sure he knows I’ll always be here by his side, every step of the way, as he comes to terms with his new future.
I lean up on my toes to kiss him and he comes down to meet me halfway, and heat sears through me, warming my whole body as the ocean crashes behind us.
The ebb and flow is soothing, like the feel of my heart beating rapidly, the sound of our breaths—held when we kiss, released when we break apart—looking at each other as though we’re the only two beings in the world right now.
He pulls back to cup my face, looking tenderly into my eyes. “Life is just complicated, but in the midst of it, the only simple, clear thing is that I love you. That will never change.” He gets down on one knee in front of me. “So, Liz, will you be my soul bond?”
Loved by Light (Wings, Wands and Soul Bonds Book 4) Page 13
