by Heidi Swain
‘Bingo!’ I beamed, wondering if everyone else had been so convinced. ‘Give the man a cigar.’
It was on the tip of my tongue to explain that, if I were being totally honest, I didn’t think I could have shrugged the newer version of myself completely off even if I wanted to, but I wasn’t sure where an admission like that might lead.
I glanced across, expecting to see at least some trace of amusement written on Gabe’s face, but he was wearing that semi-serious expression he was becoming known for, in my mind at least.
‘What?’ I gasped. ‘Don’t tell me you don’t like her. She’s a hoot!’
‘I don’t know,’ he shrugged, still not joining in. ‘I’m not even sure that you really like her, Hayley.’
I could feel my face start to flush and I looked out of the window. This was all I needed. A guy who could equal Molly’s prowess at reading minds and seeing into souls.
‘You’re wrong,’ I said lightly. ‘She’s the best. Every time I’m heading for trouble she steps in, pops up, and reminds me that life is for living, that there’s fun to be had and that I need to lighten up.’
That much was true. She was great at helping me persuade Gabe that I had nothing more going for me than my flippant attitude towards men. Perhaps it was time to lay off the sass a little though, especially if I was going to pluck up the courage to ask him what he had meant when he said he liked me.
‘Oh, well, in that case,’ he shot back, ‘she really was the one sitting in the Wynthorpe kitchen this morning.’
‘You don’t sound very impressed,’ I snapped, annoyed that I couldn’t easily pull the conversation back to where I wanted it to be going. ‘I thought you said you liked me.’
Gabe shrugged and I regretted just blurting it out like that, but, true to form, now I’d started I couldn’t seem to stop myself.
‘But don’t tell me,’ I said, feeling further frustrated by his refusal to bite back, ‘you don’t really like the fun-loving version of me, is that it? Perhaps, as you’re not a casual relationship kind of guy, you don’t approve of her attitude and antics.’
Gabe shrugged.
‘What?’ I snapped again.
He was really beginning to annoy me now.
‘She’s all right, I suppose,’ he relented, ‘in small doses.’
‘Praise indeed,’ I said, giving his comment the full eye roll I felt it deserved. ‘Anyway, you seemed pretty keen on her last night.’
It was a cheap shot, even by my standards, and one my chauffeur didn’t dignify with a response.
‘I just think it would be nice to see an amalgamation of both Hayleys,’ he said when he had driven a little further.
That was an ironic statement given that only moments ago I had admitted to myself that I didn’t think it was possible to completely banish the slightly easier-going version of me.
‘Was she the person you were thinking about earlier when you said you liked me?’ I asked, my tone softer. ‘Because if the right guy happened to come along . . .’
‘Don’t let Anna hear you say that.’
‘I have no intention of letting Anna hear anything, but if the right guy did happen to come along—’
‘Then you’d chew them up and spit them out,’ he laughed. ‘Fun and laughs,’ he mimicked, ‘not love and commitment.’
‘I was going to say,’ I said, swallowing away the lump in my throat that had replaced my annoyance, ‘that I might give a serious relationship another go.’
‘Oh.’
I couldn’t believe I’d come out and said that. I had left myself wide open and vulnerable. Traits the old Hayley would have been appalled to even carry in her arsenal, let alone drag them out and put them on display.
‘So,’ I said, my voice little more than a whisper. ‘Do you think it’s very likely that I’m going to find the right guy coming along anytime soon?’
Gabe shot me a look, his eyes were filled with a pain it shocked me to see.
‘I know I said I wasn’t a one-night kind of guy,’ he told me.
He sounded flustered suddenly, almost panicked.
‘But I’m not on the lookout for anything serious either, Hayley.’
‘So why did you say that you liked me then?’ I demanded, feeling nettled that I had exposed my emotions only to have him trample all over them and make me feel a fool.
‘I’m sorry,’ he sighed. ‘I didn’t mean to imply . . .’
‘But what if a relationship could make you happy, enhance your life and generally make everything you have going on so much better?’
My words were straight from Anna’s ‘why relationships are good’ guide, but I didn’t care. If ever there was a time for straightforward questioning then this was it. What Gabe said next could well determine my way forward.
‘Well, in that case,’ he shocked me by saying, ‘I’m definitely not looking for one.’
I stared at him for a second.
‘You mean, if you knew there was a possibility to grab something that would make you happy then you’d definitely avoid it?’
‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘I’d definitely avoid it.’
That sounded like some extremely sick self-denial, even by my skewwhiff standards.
‘That,’ I told him as I strengthened my resolve to keep my emotions as far away from him as possible, and as my text unexpectedly shifted to the sent folder, ‘was not what I was expecting you to say at all, and thanks for the mixed messages by the way. They’ve really helped with the hangover.’
‘I’m sorry—’
‘It’s fine.’ I smiled brightly as I wondered just how much more of a pummelling my poor heart could take. ‘More than fine, actually.’
‘The library,’ hissed Gavin when he found me sitting at one of the tables tucked behind the shelves of large print editions. ‘Why on earth would you want to meet here?’
As far as I was concerned, my suggestion was a no-brainer, but that was the thing with Gavin – he apparently had no brain. Or if he did, it certainly didn’t live in his skull.
‘You’re lucky I agreed to meet you at all,’ I reminded him as he looked around in confusion. ‘Just sit down. You’re making the place look untidy.’
‘But why here?’ he asked again.
I almost wanted to laugh. He looked absolutely terrified. Clearly it was a long time since Gavin had been acquainted with the pages of a book, and, if his expression was anything to go by, it hadn’t been a happy last encounter.
‘Firstly,’ I said, making sure my voice was quiet enough to match the setting, ‘I didn’t want to be seen out with you, and don’t look like that, you can hardly blame me.’
Gavin shrugged, but banished the pout he had been cultivating.
‘And secondly,’ I went on, ‘the last time we met you were a complete arsehole to me and in here you won’t be able to shout. I wasn’t going to risk another public confrontation with you yelling the odds and accusing me of being no better than you.’
‘I’m sorry about that,’ he said, his shoulders slumping as he sat back in his chair.
‘And thirdly,’ I said, ignoring his apology. ‘This has nothing to do with the setting, but I want to know where you got the money to pay Angus back?’
‘He told you about that?’ He smiled, sounding pleased.
‘Of course he did.’ I tutted. ‘Unlike you, he knows how much I’ve been worrying about it. I’ve been trying to work out how I could pay him back because I never expected you to step up.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Look,’ I said, ‘the text you sent said that you wanted to meet, and that if I didn’t come to you then you’d come to the hall, so here I am. What is it that you want, Gavin? What is it that’s so important that you threatened to come down to the hall to say it? As far as I’m concerned, we are done, so why are you dragging things out?’
He sat forward, placed his hands on the table and spread his fingers. I ignored the flashback of just how dextrous he could be with his digits and looke
d him in his beautiful, blue eyes. He would never stop being stunning to look at, even if he was a total love rat.
‘Word around town,’ he swallowed, ‘is that you didn’t go out to get your own back on me with that new guy at the hall after all.’
I could see it was paining him to acknowledge that and I wondered why he was bothering to let me know. I was also wondering who it was who had gone out of their way to set the record straight. Perhaps I had more allies than Jim and Evelyn from The Mermaid.
‘If you’d given me the chance,’ I told Gavin sharply. ‘If you’d have listened, I could have told you that myself.’
‘I know,’ he nodded, sounding suitably chastened. ‘I really had got you all wrong, hadn’t I? I just assumed that you wanted to give me a taste of my own medicine because, deep down, you were just the same as me. Just the same as all the other girls I’ve been with.’
I was furious that he had happily slotted me into a pigeonhole, and a slutty one at that. For a moment, I regretted meeting him somewhere where I couldn’t raise my voice because I would have enjoyed giving him a very vocal dressing down. Not that he was worth raising my blood pressure for.
‘You couldn’t have been more wrong,’ I said, hoping my irritated tone made up for the lack of volume. ‘I’m not like that. I thought after all the months of being with me, you would have worked that out for yourself. After all, I now know you gave me more than one opportunity to get my own back, should I have wanted to.’
‘I know,’ he said, sliding his hand across the table until it reached mine, but this time gently as opposed to the lunging grab he favoured last time we met. ‘And I really am sorry. When we first got together, I spent far too long listening to what my mates had to say about you and I based the beginnings of our relationship purely on that.’
‘Oh?’
I wasn’t sure I could stomach hearing whatever it was they’d said about me behind my back.
‘And I believed that you were just like me; someone out looking for some fun.’
‘I was,’ I told him, pulling my hand away, ‘I was happy to have some fun, more than happy, but I was also in love and, unlike you, I’ve only ever had fun with one person at a time.’
He looked at me and raised his eyebrows.
‘And no,’ I said sternly, ‘this is not the moment to suggest that a threesome would have cured our relationship woes.’
He began to chuckle and I couldn’t help but smile.
‘And besides,’ I reminded him, ‘you were the one who took us from fun to serious. You were the one who asked me to marry you and made me fall deeper in love. The night you proposed you said I’d calmed you down and made you grow up, but I hadn’t at all, had I?’
At the time, I had been full of hope that I had because I thought Gavin was the perfect partner for me. Two dodgy reputations apiece, similar childhoods and family backgrounds had made us a pretty decent match. We’d both said as much. We didn’t have a whirlwind romance like Jamie and Anna, but then, as my father had revelled in reminding me, what did someone like me expect? My relationship with Gavin was as good as I was going to get.
‘No,’ said Gavin, a little too loudly and making me jump. ‘And I hate the fact that I ever said that now, but I was so desperate to believe it. I really wanted to be the bloke who was good enough for you, Hayley, because you’re a great girl. I see now that you’re far too good for someone like me, but that night on the beach when I proposed, I wanted to be the bloke who was perfect for you. I wanted to be the fiancé you deserved to have.’
I shook my head, annoyed to find my eyes were filling with tears.
‘Well,’ I said, swallowing hard and blinking them away. ‘You weren’t thinking that the night of our engagement party, and anyway, it doesn’t matter now, does it?’
‘It does to me,’ he said. ‘And I want you to know that I’m truly sorry. I don’t regret a second of the months we spent together, but I do regret the way I treated you. I’ve never given two hoots about a girl’s feelings before.’
‘That’s nice.’ I swallowed again.
‘No, it isn’t,’ he frowned. ‘Of course, it isn’t, but it is true. And, to be honest, the type of girls I usually go for don’t care about my feelings either, but what happened between us has been eating me up. Even though we aren’t going to end up together, Hayley, I can’t deny that you got through.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You found your way into my heart.’
‘Wow,’ I said, giving myself a sarcastic mini cheer. ‘Go me! I had just assumed you didn’t actually have one.’
‘And I hope,’ he carried on, ignoring my derision, ‘that at some point you find a man who deserves you and treats you right.’
‘Ha, I wouldn’t hold your breath,’ I cut in, thinking what a fool I’d just made of myself in front of Gabe. ‘I’m not in the market. In fact, I might never venture back in again.’
‘You will,’ he smiled.
He sounded annoyingly sure about that.
‘And promise me that you’ll carry on with your art, because you have an amazing talent. You shouldn’t waste it.’
‘Well,’ I said, pushing back my chair. ‘I’ll keep you posted, but again, don’t hold your breath.’
I still hadn’t completely made up my mind about Angus’s offer so there was no point suggesting that I was going to carry on. My legs were a little shaky as I stood up. Before I even arrived in town I felt like I’d been through an emotional wash cycle, and now Gavin had not only offered me a heartfelt apology, but he’d been unexpectedly honest to boot. It was all a far cry from what I’d been expecting when I woke up this morning with a pounding head.
‘You didn’t tell me how you’d raised the money to pay Angus back,’ I reminded him as we walked back through the library together.
‘Doesn’t matter,’ he shrugged.
‘I’d like to know.’
He stopped walking and began fiddling with the van keys he had pulled out of his jeans pocket.
‘I sold my gym equipment.’
‘What?’
‘Shush!’ came an outraged voice from behind the enquiries desk. ‘Quiet.’
‘You’re making more noise than she is!’ Gavin shot back.
I grabbed him by the sleeve and pulled him out of the door.
‘Did you really sell your stuff?’
‘I did.’
‘But you loved it.’
There wasn’t a single day where he didn’t spend at least an hour sweating and heaving on the weights bench in front of the mirrors in the garage, which he had converted at his parents’ place.
‘Yeah, well,’ he said. ‘I’d borrowed that money and I had to pay it back. If I hadn’t then the whole situation would have been even worse, wouldn’t it?’
I really didn’t think I could cope with any more shocks today.
‘Anyway,’ he said, turning up his collar from the cold. ‘I have to go.’
‘OK.’
I let him kiss me on the cheek and I drank in his Paco Rabanne aftershave.
‘I really am sorry about everything,’ he said. ‘I never meant to make such a hash of it all.’
‘I know,’ I told him as I began to walk away. I was sure he was telling the truth, even though I was shocked to have heard it. ‘And thanks for the apology. I really do appreciate it.’
At least now I knew I was safe to come to town without worrying about being the centre of another messy showdown to entertain the locals with.
‘And keep your eyes peeled for a decent fella, Hayley Hurren!’ he called after me as I spotted Gabe’s truck parked on the corner of the market square. ‘There’s bound to be one around here somewhere.’
‘Like I already said,’ I called back over my shoulder, ‘don’t hold your breath.’
Chapter 16
Once Gavin was out of sight, I pulled out my phone. It had almost reached the time Gabe and I had agreed to meet back at the truck, and my meeting with Gavin had serious
ly eaten into my shopping time, but obviously, I couldn’t tell my travelling companion that if I found myself in need of an extension.
In that moment there was nothing I craved more than a marshmallow-topped hot chocolate from the Cherry Tree Café. I was certain the sugar would restore my equilibrium and the thick, creamy elixir would add a soothing layer to my churning stomach, but it was no good. For a start, I still wasn’t feeling anywhere near brave enough to meet the eyes of the curious locals, and secondly, my time was almost up. I rushed along the pavement towards Hardy’s, the one and only shop in Wynbridge that stocked decent art supplies.
As with most of the stores in town, there was a bell to announce a customer’s arrival, and I took a deep breath as I stepped over the threshold into the shop and set it tinkling. The comforting smell of parchment, paint and pencils which hit me as I closed the door sent a surge of memories flooding back.
This had been my refuge at the weekends when I was a teenager, my very first place of work, and I crept past the counter hoping that old Mr Hardy wasn’t working. I didn’t think I could cope with the kindly old gent’s, ‘long time, no see’ speech.
In the past, when the shop was quiet, he and I had spent entire afternoons trying out the new drawing pens the reps would drop off in the hope that the old man would place an order, as well as comparing the quality of paper in the different brands of sketchbooks he stocked. As first jobs went, I didn’t think I could have found a better one, not even one that paid a king’s ransom. Every Saturday I was out of the house and working with art supplies – it was the ultimate double-bubble.
‘Good morning. Can I help you?’
Thankfully, it was a young woman who popped her head around the end of an aisle, rather than the waistcoat-wearing old gent.
‘I’m just browsing,’ I told her. ‘Thanks.’
‘Give me a shout if you need anything.’
‘Will do.’
I took my time picking out the few things that I thought would best equip me if I decided to take on Angus and Jamie’s Winter Wonderland project. Given what Catherine had said earlier, I really didn’t feel as if I had a choice in the matter, but I was determined I would do all I could to keep my name away from the artwork. Anonymity was going to be the key to seeing the plan through.
