by Heidi Swain
‘Sorry for himself,’ I butted in.
I hoped Evelyn hadn’t fallen for his puppy dog act.
‘Well,’ she said, ‘perhaps. Anyway, he had a rucksack with him and when I asked him if he was going somewhere, he said he was off to stay with a cousin up north. He said last night made him realise that, even though he had been trying to mend his ways, he was turning into someone he didn’t like. He thought time away from here might not be a bad idea while he sorted himself out.’
‘That’s something I suppose,’ I conceded. ‘Although I can’t deny I would have liked the opportunity to sound him out about what he’s done.’
‘I don’t think that would help either of you,’ said Evelyn, who usually relished a verbal back and forth. ‘It’s time to draw a line, my love. Let him go and move on.’
I went back to help Anna with mixed emotions, knowing that I was going to have to come clean to my friend. I had told her the same lie when she first moved to the hall and I wanted her to hear the truth from my own lips, rather than through talk in town.
‘I kind of guessed,’ she said, once I had finished explaining. ‘I didn’t think a teacher would get away with something like that, to be honest, but I was hardly in a position to cross-examine you, was I? Plus,’ she added, ‘it wasn’t my business, any more than it was Gavin’s, so I thought it was best left forgotten.’
I nodded and swallowed, determined not to cry.
‘Which is what you should do,’ she said, rubbing my back, ‘forget all about it.’
‘I will,’ I told her, knowing I would do exactly that but not until I had sought out Mr Ridley’s address and written to him or sent him an email. I wanted to explain and apologise. I owed him that.
‘Now who could that be?’ Anna frowned as someone began beating a tattoo on the main door. ‘Everyone knows to go around to the kitchen.’
‘I’ll go and see,’ I told her, ‘everyone else seems to have disappeared this morning.’
My thoughts strayed back to Gabe and how he had disappeared before I had a chance to apologise. I wondered if Gavin had been spouting off about my lie in the gents, as well as our non-existent tryst. No wonder Gabe knocked him on his back, if that were the case.
‘Hayley, hi. How are you?’ It was Will, the wonderful Wynbridge vet. ‘I tried the back but there was no one about,’ he explained. ‘I’ve come to have a look at one of the ponies.’
I had no idea where everyone had gone, but I quickly grabbed my coat and led him out to the paddock. It was freezing outside, but I was happy to leave Anna to her snowflakes and my thoughts about our missing angel behind for a few minutes.
‘Do you know which one?’ I sniffed, rubbing my hands together and blowing on them as we approached the paddock.
The two of them had been responsible for pulling the sleigh throughout the Winter Wonderland and, according to Mick, one was now a little lame. I couldn’t say I was all that surprised given the number of visitors we’d had. The ponies were strong, sturdy little souls, but if Angus and Jamie had plans to repeat the experience they would have to call in more equine help and set up some sort of tag team scenario to help share the load.
‘I’d say that one,’ suggested Will, pointing as one of them approached looking decidedly down in the dumps. ‘Wouldn’t you?’
‘Yes,’ I said, feeling a little foolish given that she had a pronounced limp. ‘Yes, I think you’re right.’
The pair were easy enough to tempt into the stable with a bucket of pony nuts, and I closed the door hoping Will wasn’t going to need an assistant. They were pretty to look at, but I’d never been hands on with them before.
‘Would you mind holding her head?’ he asked, before I had even finished thinking the thought. ‘Just keep her steady while I have a quick look. She might be a bit tender. But if you whisper sweet nothings into her ear,’ he grinned, ‘I’m sure she’ll be fine.’
I tentatively held Peppermint by her bridle and tried my best not to convey my fear on to her. Fortunately, she stood stock still, stoic as she faced her fate. I have no idea what Will did to her back hoof, but the little pony whinnied once and then there was a quick squirt from an aerosol and it was all over.
‘That’s all done,’ he said, patting her rump and giving her a friendly rub. ‘Who was a brave girl?’
‘Thank you,’ I grinned, ‘but if it’s all the same with you, I won’t make a habit out of it.’
I could cope with the dogs, but the equestrian side of the estate was very much Mick’s territory.
‘I’ve time for a cuppa, I should think,’ Will laughed, looking pointedly at his watch.
As we walked back to the hall he explained that Peppermint had nothing more vexing than a thorn embedded in a tender spot between her hoof and the fleshy part on her foot. Apparently, manoeuvring the sleigh hadn’t been responsible at all.
‘The spray’s antibiotic,’ he told me, ‘so she should be fine now, but if you could just ask Mick to keep an eye on her. him talk things through? I can’t imagine there’ll be any complications, but with his experience he’ll be able to spot anything untoward.’
The man himself was waiting for us at the back door and the pair went into the kitchen together, chatting amiably and I went to meet the postman whose van I had spotted weaving its way along the potholed drive.
‘I’ll take it if you like,’ I called to him, ‘save your suspension from the final stretch.’
‘Thanks,’ he said, handing over the pile, which was bound together with an elastic band. ‘Much obliged.’
I pulled off the band as I walked back and flicked through the various envelopes. The hall always had plenty of post, but it was rare to find anything for me. That particular morning, however, there was an envelope, written in a hand I didn’t recognise.
I collected a mug of tea from the table and headed up to my room to open the mystery missive. I had a feeling deep in my gut that this wouldn’t be something I should open in company.
‘I’ll be back in a sec,’ I said to Anna, ‘nice to see you, Will.’
My hands were shaking as I tore open the envelope and pulled out the letter within. It was from Gabe. Knowing him as I now did, it felt fitting that he should write rather than call. I took a few deep breaths and braced myself to read what it was he had to say. The controlled intake of air did nothing to tame the wild fluttering in my chest.
His words were sad, resigned and defeated and they tore my heart in two. I would have been more able to cope had he ranted, raved and accused, after all, that was nothing less than I deserved after running out on him, but his tone throughout was devastatingly sad.
I know that when I first came to the hall you couldn’t comprehend why I always felt so bad about relaxing and enjoying myself, and that you thought that telling you I liked you then backing off was some sort of sick self-denial, but I’m hoping you can understand now. I hope that you can see why I can’t allow myself even a moment of happiness or the promise of a better future when my darling daughter can have neither.
How can I possibly smile and laugh, sing and dance when those basic delights have been denied to Hannah? I should be helping her to learn and grow; I should be watching her perform in school plays, taking part in sports day, helping with her homework and tucking her in at night. In short, I should be being her daddy, but all I am is a visitor to her grave. It would be wrong for me to even consider living more of a life than the one I have now.
During my time in Africa, I had settled all this in my head, Hayley. I was getting on with my life, being helpful to others, making a difference to their lives without letting my efforts improve my own, but meeting you was like being struck by a thunderbolt.
You forced your way into my truck and then into my life, and suddenly the world started to shine again. You made me feel things, feel better, laugh and dance, participate in everything I knew I had no right to, and I foolishly allowed myself to be pulled along. I was compliant, enthusiastic even, and that wasn’t fair on
either of us. I can only apologise for my behaviour towards you during what I know has been a difficult time in your own life, even though you try to pretend otherwise.
I know you aren’t as tough as you make out, Hayley. The old you really doesn’t hold sway anymore, does she? I could tell that when we spent the night together. For those few hours, you helped me to forget my pain, but I’m not sure that I should have.
I admit that I was relieved to wake and find you gone, because I don’t know what I would have said to you then any more than I do now. I’m terrified to ask you to be mine, because that will mean a fresh start and a new life and I don’t feel I am entitled to either, but at the same time I feel sick to my stomach when I try to imagine my life without you in it.
The thing is, I’m in love with you, Hayley. I think I have been from the very moment we collided in the corridor in The Mermaid, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it. This isn’t how I imagined my time at Wynthorpe would work out, but I don’t think I’m going to be able to come back.
I’m so sorry.
I fell back on to the bed, exhausted and emotionally wrung-out. Gabe had finally admitted that he was in love with me and he had left. Why had I not stayed at the cottage and made him talk things through? Why had I jumped to conclusions rather than realising that he was clinging to the misguided, grief-driven belief that he should never know a moment’s happiness again because he had lost Hannah?
If there was one thing my phone call from Evelyn had made me realise, it was that holding on to past hurts was fruitless. There was nothing to be gained from it, nothing positive, anyway. I had spent too many years clinging to something that held me back, and while I had no intention of suggesting that Gabe should let Hannah go, I knew that he needed to be guided by his grief when it came to forging a future for himself, not ruled by it.
I had to find him. I had to make him understand.
I snatched the envelope back up and studied the postmark. The letter had been sent in Wynbridge. It had certainly taken its time to find me if he had posted it on the day he left. Given the strain on the festive postal service, that was hardly surprising, but it wasn’t franked on the day he left. Was it possible that he hadn’t ventured that far after all?
I raced back down to the kitchen, drying my eyes on my sleeves and not caring at all about the impact my tears had had on my kohl liner.
‘Hayley,’ gasped Dorothy as I burst in, ‘what on earth’s the matter?’
‘You’ve been crying,’ frowned Anna. ‘What’s going on?’
‘It’s Gabe,’ I said, swallowing down the lump in my throat and refusing to sob again. ‘I need to find him, but I don’t know where to start.’
The women looked blankly at one another and then back to me.
‘He’s at Cuckoo Cottage,’ said Will, who I hadn’t noticed was still drinking tea at the table.
‘What?’ I gasped.
He looked from me to the others and then shook his head.
‘Oh, crikey,’ he said, his eyes wide in panic as he no doubt remembered his former military training. ‘I can’t believe I told you that. I’m not supposed to crack under interrogation.’
I had hardly been cross-examining him.
‘Just forget I said it,’ he rushed on. ‘I’m probably wrong, actually. I mean, it might be him,’ he stammered, ‘it might not . . .’
‘Will!’ I shouted. ‘If you know something then please tell me.’
‘I can’t,’ he said, ‘I’m not supposed to . . .’
‘Will, please,’ I pleaded. ‘This is important.’
‘Oh, all right,’ he sighed. ‘I suppose I’ve let the cat out of the bag now, anyway, haven’t I? He’s rented out one of the caravans from Lottie,’ he went on.
‘Go on,’ I encouraged.
‘Well,’ he said, shifting in his seat. ‘She usually shuts down the glamping site over the winter, but Gabe turned up and asked if there was any chance he could stay for a couple of weeks.’
The rest of us looked blankly at one another.
‘I thought it was a bit strange that he wasn’t going to be here over Christmas,’ said Will, scratching his head, ‘but he said he would prefer it if no one knew where he was, and that he was going to keep a low profile until the New Year. He said he just fancied a bit of peace and quiet. He isn’t in trouble, is he?’
‘No,’ said Mick, ‘of course not.’
‘Although you might be,’ said Anna to Will, ‘when he finds out that you’ve given him away.’
‘Oh, bugger,’ said Will, ‘he’s not the sort of guy you’d want to cross, is he?’
And this from a bloke who once served in the highest ranks of the British army and was built like a . . . well, he was fit.
‘It’s fine,’ I told him, feeling far better and knowing exactly what I had to do. ‘This time tomorrow he’ll be shaking your hand and thanking you.’
Will didn’t look so sure.
‘I better go and warn Lottie that I’ve compromised Gabe’s mission,’ he said, standing up and brushing biscuit crumbs on to the floor.
‘Good idea,’ I said, snatching up my coat. ‘And as you’re heading that way, you can give me a lift. I don’t much fancy getting the bike out in this weather.’
Chapter 31
Will wasn’t too keen on giving me a lift to Cuckoo Cottage, but the thought of me risking life and limb on two wheels along the icy roads was enough to make him relent. We drove in silence to the vintage glamping site Lottie Foster had created from her inherited legacy of some very lovely old caravans, a collection of barns and an obliging field.
‘Which van?’ I asked as we slowly drove through the gate and Will pulled up outside the pretty cottage. ‘You might as well tell me,’ I said when he refused to be drawn, ‘I’m going to check them all anyway.’
‘The furthest one,’ he said, pointing.
‘I can’t see his truck.’
‘It’s parked up in one of the barns,’ he explained. ‘He really didn’t want to be found, you see.’
I nodded.
‘Well,’ I sighed, ‘you’ve rather blown his cover now, haven’t you? But I promise I won’t mention your name if he asks.’
‘Thanks,’ said Will, ‘and good luck. I don’t think you’ll find him in the best of tempers.’
‘That’s all right,’ I said with a smile, ‘I’m not expecting the warmest of welcomes.’
It was easy to approach the caravan in silent stealth mode on foot, and as I made my way across the frosty field I tried to think about exactly what I was going to say. I was sorrier than I could possibly hope to convey for being the cause of so much angst and confusion, but at the same time determined to make Gabe find a way to come to terms with everything that had happened to him, and prove that his past shouldn’t blight his future. I truly hoped his way forward would include me, but I knew that if I failed to find the right words, if I made a mess of the next few minutes, it would be more than my own happiness that would be scuppered.
I sent up a silent prayer as I approached the van, swallowed hard and took a deep breath before knocking on the door. The curtains were all drawn and it was deathly quiet. I had an overwhelming sense of déjà vu. This was exactly how Gatekeeper’s looked the night I found him drunk and inconsolable.
‘Gabe,’ I said, my voice cracking as it caught in my throat.
When there was no answer I tried again.
‘Gabe! It’s me, Hayley. Please let me in.’
I wasn’t the type of girl who resorted to turning on the waterworks when she wasn’t getting her own way, but my eyes filled with tears that refused to be blinked away, and they spilled down my cheeks, painful in the bitter breeze, taking with them the last of my already-smudged liner.
‘I’m so sorry about everything,’ I sobbed. ‘I should never have run out on you the other night. I should have stayed. I should have realised what was wrong and found a way to help you see that you don’t have to spend the rest of your life pun
ishing yourself for what happened to Hannah. None of it was your fault, Gabe, and you won’t gain anything from torturing yourself. I’m sure she wouldn’t have wanted you to do that.’
Still nothing.
‘The thing is,’ I choked, ‘I know what it’s like to try and live your life with something hanging around your neck pulling you down.’
My own experience was nowhere near as traumatic as Gabe’s, but I was fast approaching the point where I would do, say or admit to anything to make him see.
‘It’s all too easy to get things twisted in your head when you’re in so deep, and you end up believing them, unsure how to find a way forward without taking them with you. I’m not saying you should move on and leave Hannah behind, because she’s a part of you and she always will be, she should be, but you do deserve to be happy, Gabe. You aren’t going to be letting her down by looking out for yourself.’
Still nothing.
I pulled a crumpled tissue out of my pocket and violently blew my nose. It didn’t help much and the tears continued to flow.
‘I got your letter,’ I said, rubbing my hand over the pocket where I had put it, ‘and I know you blame me for waking you up, but you’ve woken me up, too. I thought I’d been in love before, but until you came along I didn’t know the meaning of the word. We’ve both made each other think and feel new things. We’ve both been responsible for changing each other and I can’t help thinking that’s a good thing.’
I began to realise that nothing was going to work. I would walk over to the cottage and ask Lottie if I could wait there until Anna could come and pick me up. At least I could go back to the hall knowing that I’d tried.
‘I’m leaving now,’ I sniffed, the cold air so sharp it tickled my nose, ‘but please, please don’t sacrifice your home and job at the hall because of me. Those children need you, Gabe,’ I sobbed again as I thought of what they would be missing out on if he left, ‘every bit as much as I think you need them.’
I had barely taken two steps before I heard the caravan door creak open and was spun around from behind and pulled into Gabe’s strong embrace.
