by Kaero Davis
Senseless Presence
An acidic sickness eats away at my insides,
I lose each battle I attempt to fight,
And an inner voice laughs at all that I’m deprived,
And I am never certain if I’ll ever gain respite,
I cannot fathom why it is I still hold on,
When other’s in my shoes would’ve long been gone,
Why was I to be tainted by so much wrong?
Why is it so hard for me just to get along?
Why would anyone choose to willingly linger still?
When it seems that we’ll never really be fulfilled,
Repeatedly burned and tightly strapped under the grill,
Until our desperate response is labelled overkill,
Poisonous words still pollute my mind,
From over previous times I have long left behind,
That mine seems truly a severely flawed design,
Shred and stripped to shrapnel ground under the grind,
I contemplate that I may never escape,
Stripped bare surrounded by those that only take,
And never given back regardless of my state,
I suppose I’m expected to eventually just break,
And the voices in my mind laugh at all that I’m deprived,
It is a mighty wonder why I choose to remain alive,
And an acidic sickness deteriorates my insides,
And I’m beginning to see that I’ll never find respite,
I have felt for a long time I should have been clinically dead,
Made mentally exhausted that I have long lost my head,
Dying ever slowly and only knowing of fear and dread,
Crushed under the caustic words many have made said…
Exit Scenario
“My prayers for death are never answered and I am just too exhausted to do it myself. Besides, these days you’re highly likely to survive suicide and continue life as a vegetable. And how could I be so inconsiderate as to traumatise somebody else asking them to do it for me or having someone else find me like that? No, I couldn’t do that to somebody else, I won’t be so inconsiderate or insensitive, or selfish. If I went, I wouldn’t plan on telling anyone about it or leading some idea to it to someone’s mind. I’d rather silently disappear and never be seen again, mysteriously. Wouldn’t it be bliss to finally silence the voice of paranoia and other auditory hallucinations? And the visions, a peaceful cease of the violent visions and dreams – dreams I’ve interpreted to be my subconscious telling me I’m not thoroughly releasing my pent up rage or despair – or shit that I’ve never previously gained prior closure to. Death of the fear that each interaction with various walks of life won’t heavily impact on me, the push – that shove into the feeling of pointless existence. No sense to live or rather feel as though mine is a senseless presence… I feel I fade – that no feeling exists within this structure of flesh matter any longer. Sick to my gizzards, lacking sleep and spiralling down. A purgatory in my waking world, a hell I revisit often so that I might feel something. That I am not truly dead – to myself or anyone else.” – Grault.
Enter Scenario
“Somehow, every one of us marks ourselves in one way or another. For one man it might be as simple and subtle as a tattoo, another man might have scarring. However, not all marks that one can make are visible. Some might shroud themselves with a heavy energy, sinister, that it turns people away. It’s almost a kind of sixth sense that some may feel in the presence of one that does this. That, that person doesn’t seem quite right – and they may not know what it is – but there’s something about that person that makes them feel uncomfortable. I, me, however, have had an unfortunate and inconvenient time occasionally that; people are strangely uncomfortable around me. I have tattoos and piercings, and a little scarring in places and I know these alone can put the shit up some folk, but inside somehow, I feel I must drive others away by just some aura floating around me. I know I’m occasionally sensitive to it – but even when I know some around me aren’t – I forget I still have others around me tense up and get ‘creeped out.’ I could be doing this to me myself, but I have also wondered that people might have done similar to me so that I mark myself in turn, deterring them from myself. And in doing so, there are others still who are perturbed, and these people I by no means wish this of. It’s a kind of looping cycle that comes very clear to me at times and even I try to avoid those negative parts of me. It’s a pit. A tar black pit of negativity. I don’t wish to scare anyone away; it’s just about challenging enough to find people interested in having an intellectual conversation with me already. I’m lucky that I’m so smart that I can quickly sense the discomforting tension and think of something quick to say to evade it. It’s a burden, a cursing shadow that I feel will forever remain…” – Zicque.
Shadow That Remains
Maybe it’s fate that I don’t escape,
To rake the bait and stay in this state,
A shame to stain with its’ disdain,
The shadow that remains,
And all the time it follows,
Awaiting to be wallowed,
Devouring ’til I hollow,
To submit and sate the swallow,
It’s a mark of a consequence,
That depreciates my confidence,
Relevance of a new expense,
When others unaware do sense,
My sake being lain at stake,
Made to break and left agate,
Vain with blame in coming rain,
The shadow that remains,
I beg for bless and for hallows,
To send this shame to the gallows,
Rid myself of my sorrows,
Alay in wait for tomorrow,
Orphaned and profanely tamed,
The game for gain is slain,
Sent insane as the pain slowly drains,
But the shadow will remain,
Exit Scenario
“I never want to be anxious around other people and I most certainly never want them to feel anxious around me. And I hope I don’t make anyone feel any more anxious when they’re witnessing me go anxious. You could almost laugh it for being so mad but stranger shit has happened before. Some people really don’t think about it all too often, and I suppose it shouldn’t really happen all too often but it kind of has to me. It’s never easy being somewhere and being almost afraid to say anything cause you might sound morbid, or crazy; people will think you’re feral and have no standards or boundaries and can take things a bit too far… gives you a bit of a headache to have to be so considerate. It’s my cross to bear that I live this way but by the time I’m 60 odd years old – I should be able to laugh about it. I go to extremes occasionally but I am actually really very softcore compared to some of the things I’ve seen and heard about. I need to be smart enough to keep any situation I’m in – dealing with people and society – from spiralling out of control, sometimes even the wrong tone of voice or formulation of key words in a sentence really puts us off but I’d like to diffuse any bombs before they explode. You can’t often take a lot of the things you say or do back, but you can learn from it. I like to think I’ve learnt from some of it and still am – but I really am trying to live it and make a difference, leading by example for the better and being a miracle. I don’t look like someone who could have a firm understanding of much, I look like I could fit some stereotypical category – but I can tell you this much, I’m smart enough to break down and explain my experiences for others to relate, to teach the other less fortunate – the shit I wish I knew long before that no one could properly explain to me, and in a better way than was ever taught to me. I’m kind of almost a translator – the middle man for the smart-dumb fucker’s and the dumb-smart fucker’s. shit, by the time I’m 60 years old, I might have shadows – not the one
s I made for myself but a small cult following – and no, for the record – no anti-government secret society bullshit. I’ve got a lot to bitch about with our government but really – who hasn’t? maybe I could gain some shadows in the government and have them do what’s truly right for its people. Despite that, despite all I’ve done to myself or how high I might climb – there will always be shadows. Shade that will always remain…” – Zicque.
Enter Scenario
(Colourful popping and bubbling, boiling sounds filter through on the wind, and a curious whispering can be heard. Soon, wheezing and cooing; gooey bubbly voices, almost cartoonish – giggle an unintelligible gobbledegook. And stranger still, if sound could be as blurred as foggy imagery – you could almost hear the moaning like that of a teenage oriental/ Asian girl, the kind of shit you hear in hentei porn.
And back to it.
These gargling, gurgling, bubbling sounds are all carried on an invitingly cool breeze. If it wasn’t so creepy it would be just superb bliss, serene pleasure – to hear the gentle motion of the bubbling popping gooey voices. I feel like smiling. It tickles me all through, spongey, silky, soft and cool to the touch. I feel as though I can entangle myself with this negative space. Swim through it, such serenity.)
Sinister Serenity
I drag behind in the shadow
My demonic depths begin shallow,
Concerned now?
I see your brow furrowed…
Oh, I follow – got the hooks in,
Wallow in the sorrow and I begin,
Threads slipping fast – the grasp is thin,
Doomed to soon fall to cater to my whim…
And I Win…
I sweep a silky black abyss,
I shapeshift midst a scorning bliss,
I thrive on the lies that weave and twist,
I survive as long as they cease,
I revel in my purpose,
Maintain the balance as my service,
Taking those deserved -make ’em nervous,
Gifts given to me by the serpent,
I drag behind in shadow,
My demonic depths so shallow,
You’re concerned,
I see your brow furrowed,
I sweep the silky black abyss,
Shapeshift in scorning bliss,
I thrive on the lies that weave and twist
I exist, so long as they cease…
And I win..
Exit Scenario
“Stay a while” – a hissing voice flew by my ear, and then another; “We want you baby,”
“Stay and play with us won’t you?” – “Please?” – “We’re ever so lonely…”
The voices were insanely erotic and were exciting me, and to feel their warm breath brush gently against me – as their gorgeous feminine voices roused. Amazing…
“how could I resist such delight?” I spoke and soon I could hear four more.
These fresh new voices chuckled in a sexy and flirtatious manner.
“Forever?” – “Forever?” – “Forever?”
“Forever?” – Forever?”
The voices echoed and rang out and suddenly filled the space around. The vibration of the airwaves and static of sound was ringing in my ears and a pulse I soon felt quickened pace. My veins throbbed, muscles ached and twinged, nerves – shooting pain right through me, pulsing. Screaming and howling in pain, I could feel my blood pressure was rising.
(the man throws out his arms and legs in a star position [levitating in the air] then-)
Boom!
Swoosh!
Instant vapour. Blood mist.
Enter Scenario
“There’s only so much I can take!” – is something I’ve heard many people say all too often and I, myself have said thousands of times myself…I have a habit I enjoy that many people consider ill fortune, I utilize this habit for a variety of things and it lead to this one of many pieces for thoughts of my own on it – written in the mind of someone desperate to have his one thing, if only it be his one thing – to help him tolerate what he see’s; all the shit he has to deal with throughout the drag that doesn’t end, and a long slow drag it is he complains… there’s an equal share of intolerance going around…
You can’t tolerate the smoke I inhale and exhale – the ‘toxic poison’ it leeches into the environment and the atmosphere, you think I might be an idiot for poisoning my body with the cigarettes, you are free to speak you’re mind – on the condition you think things through and contemplate all areas of argument… there’s gotta be a bit of give when you implore I sacrifice my methods for calm and concentration and better focus….these stimuli prevent me from being too over the top, too hazardous to the world around me, my condition has an attribute similar to that of ADD/ADHD, my mind will race and wander over a great many things at times and stray to things irrelevant to whatever is currently happening in the current situation. I have a problem focusing and these chemicals do wonders for it…what I must tolerate is you’re poor intellect as far as speaking your mind goes – and then having to tolerate the ridiculous legislation introduced when measly, spiteful, ignorant, arrogant irritations; get the better of your already half bitter mind cast it straight to a bias – in the course destined of which new powers are exerted and it is soon extended out on and over the people (and whom are as hard working and honest and doing it hard) have to ‘tolerate’ being controlled with designated areas provided for such stimulating chemicals to soothe.
It’s a shame we can’t all dabble in the all-natural wonder-seed of the world. There are a lot of people out there that drive me nuts enough for me to want to toke but I reckon those very same folk shittin’ me the fuck off could do with it better than I need myself. It’s a shame they fear it more than they are prepared to be brave or courageous enough and think ‘fuck it -I’ll give it a go’ and smoke the shit. It can’t kill you. Not one single person has ever died on it. “But it fucks with your mind! – You’ll enter a Psychosis!” – That may be true but let it be known it can be true if you let it happen to you. You alone can remain in control – and obviously the more you do it and the more you experiment you develop a tolerance so that you become used to the effects. It is possible to enjoy it and it is possible to be completely functional on it. Talk to people that know, ask them, really ask them but know what to ask and how to ask it without making it sound suspicious.
It’s always been in the way that it’s been the people unwilling to be responsible and let the habit begin to control them – it’s then that there’s room for crime. That line between resisting the urge and not being compelled, that control, is the difference that sets habitual users apart from mindless ‘junkies’.
Ethics…Maintain your ethics and you’ll be fine. Time of day. A one and only time of day perhaps – NIGHT? Mm’ mm…that glorious sticky-green bud…
Smokin’
Well, I smoke drugs for religion,
I smoke drugs cause you’re always bitchin’
I smoke drugs to get myself chillin’
You complain but you don’t know what you’re missin’
I smoke drugs before a mission,
I smoke to slow the pace to listen,
I smoke drugs to broaden out my vision,
Open my mind, soak up whatever wisdom,
I smoke drugs to straighten my head,
I smoke drugs to handle what you just said,
I smoke drugs to gain sleep in bed,
Smokin’ drugs voids boredom to death,
I smoke drugs to loosen up,
I smoke so I can give a fuck,
Smokin’ drugs to strategize comin’ unstuck,
I smoke drugs but never run amok,
I smoke drugs responsibly – sensibly,
Never before work – maintaining my ethics,
The only problem is when I don’t have any,
But I never let it bother me when I’m in need,
