Crop Circles, Cows, and Crazy Aliens

by steve higgs

  I drained my second cup of coffee and sat purposefully in the big comfy chair behind my new desk. I was ready.

  Now what?

  I moved the mouse to bring the screen to life and reread the email from Kieron. That ate up less than a minute.

  I needed another case to work on, multiple cases even, so that I would always have something to do and always have someone to invoice. Right now, I was earning the firm not one penny and my last case had been for a girl that could barely afford even our cut-price rate.

  Thankfully, the phone rang. It was Kieron calling back.

  ‘Amanda Harper.’ I answered.

  ‘Amanda, hello again, it’s Kieron. Sorry about that. The police were leaving, and I have all manner of alien fanatics at my gates trying to get in to see the evidence. You said you had some questions for me.’

  ‘Thank you for calling back so promptly. What evidence?’

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘You said alien fanatics were trying to get in to see the evidence.’ I reminded him of his own words.

  ‘Oh, yes. There is a footprint. Well, several actually, but one that is really quite well preserved. The police showed enough interest to photograph it but that was all. They kept asking if the intruder had stolen anything or threatened anyone. My wife and I had to keep repeating that it was an alien creature, that it didn't attempt to do anything and ran away as soon as Lara, that's my wife, saw it.'

  I thought for a second. ‘Is the footprint still there?’

  ‘Err, yes. Why?’

  ‘I think it will be worth preserving as evidence. Did the police not take a cast of it?’ I asked.

  ‘A cast?’ He was being good enough to answer my questions, but it was obvious that he didn’t know why and was growing bored of them already. He wanted results, not more questions. I sighed at how sloppy and dismissive the police had been and wondered how I would have acted had it been me that was dispatched to visit their alien encounter scene.

  I changed tactic. ‘I hope to get stuck into this case straight away, so please tell me more about it. Your email mentions crop circles and something about the milk your herd is producing.’ I had the phone on speaker, but not so loud it would disturb James or be heard by anyone that came in the front door. It left my hands free to take notes, so with a poised pencil, I listened.

  ‘I need to go back to the beginning I think.' He paused, gathering his thoughts, no doubt. ‘About two months ago, just before harvest, we started finding crop circles in our wheat fields. They were just like ones I had seen on TV, large concentric patterns. When Richard, that's Richard Tanner, one of the other farmers in the co-operative, first found his corn laying down, he called Glen and me to come and have a look. Glen is the third farmer in the group.'

  ‘Richard didn’t know what to make of it and neither did I at first, but Glen’s wife, she was walking around the field looking at the corn. She said, “It’s all in a pattern.” And we realised it was a crop circle. The odd thing was, all the corn was cut.’

  ‘How so?’

  ‘I looked it up, when crop circles are formed, the corn just ends up laying down in a pattern. Our corn was cut up as if it had been through a lawnmower.'

  ‘Can you tell me what the date was?’ I asked. It might be important later.

  ‘Err, ooh, no. I can work that out though. Is it important?’

  ‘I don’t know yet, Kieron. Please continue.’

  I heard him make a few hmming noises, ‘So anyway, there was a crop circle in Richard’s field. September 17th.’ He announced suddenly. ‘It was September. I think it was a Tuesday. I’ll ask Lara, she’ll know.’

  ‘We can come back to it later, Kieron.’ I wanted to hear about the cows.

  ‘Well, next thing we knew there was another circle in another of Richard’s fields a few days later, then I had one in mine and then some college kids turned up. They had heard about it, they said. Called it a natural art phenomenon that they wanted to record and chronicle. Chronicle, that was the word they used. I had to look it up.’

  I interrupted again. ‘Do you have their names?’

  ‘I do somewhere.’ I could hear him rummaging. ‘Lee and something. Young lads they were. I’m not one for labels, but I guess most would call them geeks. Very thin and pasty, like they don’t get outside very often. I’ve got their number somewhere. They asked me to call them whenever a crop circle occurred.’

  I could get it later.

  ‘Found it.’ He said. ‘Do you want it now?’ I had him read the number to me. I still hadn’t worked out what it was that he wanted me to investigate. I brought him back to the present. ‘Kieron, did you lose a lot of your wheat from the crop circles?’

  ‘What? Oh, no, not much. No, that’s not the problem at all. The problem came when the cows started producing luminous milk. Strangest thing I ever saw.’

  ‘When did that first occur?’

  ‘Three weeks ago. It was just my herd to start with, then two days later it was Glen’s, then a day after that it was Richard that called to say it was his as well. We called the feed supplier and grilled them about it, they changed the feed but that made no difference, we took the machinery apart and cleaned it all more thoroughly than usual. We switched them to their winter hay early. None of it made any difference.’

  I had a question. ‘Have you had the milk tested?’

  ‘Yes. We sell the milk to a major supermarket brand, I called them, and they sent a chap to inspect it. Then he called a chap to take some samples. All they did though was assure us that it wasn't fit for sale and said we should call them when it is. I had the vet come out to inspect the cows.'

  I was getting lots of detail. There was something going on at the farm and I would need to visit rather than write endless notes now.

  I interrupted him again. ‘Kieron, sorry for interrupting, I think it best if we continue this in person.’

  ‘I haven't told you about the spaceships and the alien yet.'

  Spaceships.

  I bit. ‘What spaceships?’

  ‘If the crop circles and the milk wasn’t bad enough, Lara ran into an alien right outside our house last night. That’s why the police were here and there are lights in the sky most nights. I called the police, but they have been out half a dozen times now and are getting bored with me calling them. There’s no crime, you see. Nothing has been stolen, no one had been hurt or threatened.’

  ‘Did you see the alien, Kieron?’

  He sighed. He had answered this question before. ‘No. No, I saw something. It has become quite a point of friction. Lara swears blind that it was a creature in a space suit of some kind and got quite upset when I didn’t corroborate her story. All I saw was a flash of something in the moonlight before it disappeared in the dark. I went after it, but there was nothing to see by then and I didn’t have a flashlight with me.’

  ‘What do you think it was, Kieron?’

  He was silent for a second. ‘I don't know what to think. There is a lot of strange things happening here. I tell you what I know though. If we don't start selling milk in the next few weeks, I am going to go bust. Me and Richard I reckon. I am eating through bank loans and savings and the bank already said no to any further loans. Glen has money of his own. Savings or something so he might be alright for a bit longer, but I need this mystery solved.'

  I guess that was I where I came in.

  ‘Mr. Fallon, can you give me an hour? I need to do some research, but I will call back before lunch and arrange to visit if I am going to take the case. Either way, I will call back.' I was desperate to take the case but didn't want to appear so.

  ‘Okay.’ He said, disappointment heavy in his voice.

  We disconnected. I had two pages of notes. I needed to see what had been reported in the papers and learn whatever I could about crop circles, cow tampering and alien invasions quickly. It felt like a real case, one where I could make a difference to the client when (if) I solved it.

  I had butterflies.


  I needed to start somewhere, so I called the mobile number for Lee, one of the college students Kieron had described and thought about what I wanted to ask him.

  He answered before I could coalesce my thoughts. ‘Speak.' Was all he said. Was that any way to answer a phone?

  He probably thought he sounded cool or was doing it to impress someone he was with. Nevertheless, I spoke. ‘Good morning. My name is Amanda Harper. I am a private detective hired to investigate some strange events in Cliffe Woods. I believe you have…’ The line went dead.

  It sounded very much like he had hung up on me. I tried his line again, but it wasn't answered. It kept coming up as line busy, so I was sure he was rejecting the call. I sent him a text instead, in which I explained that he was in no trouble and I merely had an interest in his interest in the crop circles.

  He would get the text, but I couldn’t force him to read it or reply. I might need to track him down at the college if he was still there.

  Pondering what to do next, I went to get fresh coffee and catch up with James. I was going to have research for him to do.

  Then Tempest came through the back door, his dogs preceding him and with one of his friends in tow. I couldn't remember the friend's name though. It was another nickname, lots of his friends seemed to have them as if their own names were boring: Big Ben, Basic and whatever this chap's name was.

  The next half hour was lost in conversation and explaining about the crop circle case I was almost certainly going to take.

  Aliens in Kent. Wednesday, November 9th 1030hrs

  I cracked my knuckles meaningfully as I sat in front of my computer. A swift google search supplied more information than I could sift in a lifetime. I had searched for crop circle theories. Seeing the amount of information available, I decided to circle back to it – see what I did there?

  Smiling to myself, I tried a different search. Looking for alien sightings in Kent, I discovered that there wasn't much to discover. There had been a green mist seen over Tonbridge a few years ago and a large triangle had been reported over the sky not far from Ashford a few years before that. All the reports were sketchy and made by one person with the exception of the Tonbridge green mist which had been seen by thousands and even came with photographs. I read some of the articles because they were interesting, but there didn't appear to be anything I could learn from them that would be pertinent to the case.

  I looked at the clock on the computer to see that ninety minutes had slipped away while I was reading. I called out to James in the main office, mostly to see if he was there because I couldn’t hear him. When he answered, I got up and went to find him rather than summon him to me. It wasn’t that kind of office.

  ‘Can you do some research for me?’ I asked.

  He flexed his skinny arms in a comic show of muscle, ‘It’s what I do best.’ He claimed. ‘What do you need me to find?’

  ‘Anything you can on crop circles and leading theories on what causes them, anything to do with alien sightings in Kent. More recent reports will be more pertinent and see if you can find any reports of cow’s milk being tampered with.’

  ‘Tampered with by aliens?’

  I thought about that. ‘I guess tampered with by anyone. I am not buying into the alien visitation theory, but I believe that someone is messing with the milk. Between cow fiddling, alien spacecraft sighting and crop circles, there is something very odd going on over at Cliffe Woods.’

  James just nodded his agreement.

  ‘I am heading out to see the client. There is a case to solve here so I will get the paperwork signed and start billing them.’

  ‘Got everything you need?’ He asked. He didn’t expand on the question but was referring to cameras, recording devices and other gear that I might wish to utilise.

  A quick mental checklist didn’t reveal a discrepancy. At this early stage of my investigation, I doubted I would need anything. I was just going to meet the client and get an initial payment. I said I would see him later as I headed to the back door of the office, snagging my handbag from my desk as I went.

  As I slid into my car, my phone rang. I pulled the door shut against the cold as I answered it and switched the car on to warm up. ‘Amanda Harper, Good morning.'

  ‘Amanda, this is Kieron Fallon.’ Kieron sounded different than he had in the earlier calls. Where he had been frustrated and perhaps a little scared before, now he sounded upset to the point of tearful.

  ‘Kieron I was just setting off to come to you. Is everything okay?’

  He didn't speak for a few seconds and I was about to prompt him when he finally started talking. ‘It's our neighbour, Tamara. She was killed last night.'

  ‘Oh God.’ I hadn’t meant to speak. My response was automatic.

  ‘The alien got her. The police left here suddenly about an hour ago. They just got in their car and sped off. I just got the call from the farm manager to let me know Tamara's body was found not far from the farmhouse there. It was her husband that found her.'

  She was killed by the alien. I hadn’t heard incorrectly, that was what my client had said. Regardless of what had happened, the police would still be there. I had to ask the question though.

  ‘Kieron why do you think it was an alien that killed your neighbour?’

  ‘Because she was frozen. It killed her with a freeze ray.’

  I let the words sink in. We were used to dealing with weird, it was our wheelhouse you might say. However, this was threatening to be a level beyond. My foot twitched with indecision but I needed a case and the firm needed to raise invoices so I had to get going.

  ‘Mr. Fallon, I am heading to the scene now. Can you give me the address please?'

  Freeze Gun. Wednesday, November 9th 1115hrs

  There had been storms about this week and it was still drizzling lightly on the drive to Cliffe Woods. I was familiar with the route to get there but could not recall having ever been to the village itself before. As my wipers did their best to swish the rain away, I followed the signs through Strood and out into the countryside. It wasn’t far to go but it also wasn’t a straight line, the road followed the contours around lakes and rivers and narrowed to a single-track lane many times. Twice I had to stop and back up to a passing point when I came face to face with a tractor.

  The danger of more farm vehicles slowed my pace.

  About halfway there, my phone rang. Caller ID on the screen in my car told me it was Patience calling. ‘Hello, Patience.’ I answered as the call connected.

  ‘What up, skinny biatch?’ she replied. Patience Woods is a former police colleague that is still serving as a uniformed officer. She is black, she is loud, and she is taking a week off following a brief bout of kidnapping last week.

  Her choice of salutations was generally different from mine. Different to everyone's for that matter but despite the colloquialisms, I knew what the question meant. ‘I am fine, thank you, Patience. I am investigating a case in Cliffe Woods.'

  ‘Cliffe Woods? There’s nothing there. It’s all farmland. What kind of case have you got in Cliffe Woods?’

  ‘Aliens.’ I replied unsure how she would react. Patience, unlike me, was ready to believe in everything.

  She surprised me with her response though. ‘Aliens.’ She scoffed. ‘There’s no such thing. Even I know that.

  ‘So, how are you feeling? What are you doing with your time off?’ I asked, changing the subject.

  ‘I'm bored.' She announced. ‘Everyone else is at work, I can't afford to go away anywhere and there is only so much daytime TV I can watch.' I wondered if she was going to volunteer her services to assist me and worried about whether her help was a good thing. Instead of offering to work with me though she said, ‘I need a man.' She paused, then corrected herself. ‘We need men. We need someone nice to take us out and make us feel like ladies.'

  ‘Not planning to see Big Ben again?’ I asked. She had enjoyed a very brief fling with a friend I had met through Tempest. He was a decent en
ough guy, but he went through women like there was no tomorrow. It made him a perfect match for Patience.

  I could hear her think about her answer. I was nearing my destination and had to pull in once more to let a tractor through. By my window, a cow put its head over the hedge and stared at me. I locked eyes with it as it chewed. I liked cows. They had nice eyes. Brett had nice eyes. My recent failed attempt at a relationship with Brett Barker was behind me, but his face kept drifting uninvited into my thoughts.

  ‘I don’t think Big Ben falls into the category of men one gets to date.’ She admitted reluctantly, breaking my train of thought. I thought it more likely that he had simply refused to entertain the idea. ‘Anyway, that’s not what I called for, white chick. I wanted to make sure you were set for Saturday night.’

  ‘Saturday night?’ I echoed. Saturday night? What was I supposed to be doing on Saturday night?

  ‘Girl’s night out?’ Patience prompted, exasperation dripping from her tone.

  Oh yeah. I had forgotten all about it. I decided to lie anyway. ‘Yes, of course, I am completely ready. I have my outfit picked out and everything.’

  Patience didn't believe me. ‘Mm hmm. What're you wearing then?' She called my bluff.

  ‘Err, jeans and a satin halter neck top.’

  ‘The satin top from Hobbs? The blue one?’

  She had bought the lie. ‘Yes, that one.’

  ‘Not a chance, babe. We are going out to meet men. I don’t want you cramping my style in your going to the library outfit. I want you in something that has spaghetti straps and a skirt that stops above your knees. I’m broke, so I need you to look slutty and available so that boys buy us drinks.’

  I sighed. ‘I'm not sure I have anything like that in my wardrobe.' That was probably a lie too. In truth, I quite fancied going out for a fun girls night. Some dancing and a few drinks sounded good, but I wasn't interested in having men pester me for my number all night and I knew Patience would literally pimp me out for a rum and coke.