by Claire Adams
“Of course,” Ben said, nodding. “How could you not? Have you ever considered going to talk to someone?”
“Talk to someone? I’m talking to you right now. You’re essentially the only person that I can really talk to about this.”
“And I’m glad to be a sounding board, but I meant someone who might have experience dealing with this sort of thing.”
“Like a lawyer?”
He gave me a funny look. “A lawyer? No. Like...a therapist or something. A counselor. Someone who’s trained in dealing with matters like this. Someone that you could talk to that might be able to offer you some advice.”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I’m not sure I want to go that route. I mean, how much advice are they really going to be able to offer?”
Ben shrugged. “I have no idea. But they might be able to help. I’m not saying that you can’t talk to me, but I’ll be honest—I feel a little unqualified. There’s not much I can offer in the way of helpful advice.”
“I’m not looking for answers,” I said. “Or I’m not expecting them from you or anything. Sometimes it just helps to talk.”
“Yeah, I know. And if this is helping, then that’s great. But maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to consider talking to someone else, too.”
“Hmm,” I said. “That’s not something I ever considered before, but I’ll think about it.” I was just saying that; there was no way I was going to go to a shrink.
“You’re a doctor; you help people,” Ben continued. “And that’s what a therapist does, too, right? They’re just sort of...a different kind of doctor.”
“Well, if they’re a psychiatrist. I’m not going to see a psychiatrist, though.”
“Suit yourself,” he said. “But maybe you shouldn’t knock it till you try it.”
The best way to forget about my interaction with Shannon was to keep myself busy with Declan, with work, with hanging out with Allie. All things that I was happy to do. Declan and I were sitting down to dinner. It had been a whirlwind of a day; I’d had a full day of patients and then ended up having to stay later to wait for my last appointment to show up.
I had looked out the window toward Allie’s house when I had made my way over to the kitchen table with Declan’s plate, and I saw that her car wasn’t there in the driveway. I wondered where she was, what she was up to right then, and I found myself wishing that she was sitting there at the table with us.
“Here you go, bud,” I said, sliding the plate with half a chicken salad sandwich and some cold grilled zucchini that we had picked up at the market on the way home. She’d been there at the Learning Center when I’d picked Declan up, but she was talking with another parent, so I didn’t have a chance to say much, though we did share a quick glance across the room. I didn’t think that anyone noticed, and even if they had, it wouldn’t have looked like anything more than two people meeting each other’s eyes for the briefest of moments, before continuing on with what it was they’d been doing, but I was definitely aware of the sexual tension, and I was eager to have some alone time with Allie again; I just wasn’t sure when that would be.
Declan took a sip of his lemonade. “Do you think Miss Allie could sleep over here some time?” he asked, putting his cup down.
“Maybe,” I said. “Would you like that?”
“Yes! We could set up sleeping bags in the living room and stay up all night and watch movies.”
“That sounds like quite the evening.”
“We could have popcorn.”
“We might be able to arrange something like that.”
Declan grinned. “Good,” he said. He leaned toward me. “I saw you guys kissing,” he whispered.
“You did?”
“Yes. Before Allie went back to her house that day we went riding on the bike trail. That means you guys like each other, doesn’t it? Cause people who don’t like each other wouldn’t kiss like that, would they?”
“You usually only kiss people you like,” I agreed. “I didn’t realize you’d seen us.”
“I was spying.”
“Oh you were, were you?”
The grin widened; he was clearly very proud of himself. “This girl at school tried to kiss me on the playground once, but I wouldn’t let her.”
“You’re a little young for that.”
“I didn’t really like her that much.” Declan tilted his head to the side. “Does Miss Allie want to be my mom?”
“Whoa,” I said. “Where’s this coming from?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. Moms and dads kiss, though, right? They do on TV. And Miss Allie is so nice, I wouldn’t mind if she was my mom since I don’t have a mom.”
“You do have a mom,” I said. “Everyone has a mom; that’s how we’re born.”
“I know, but I don’t have a mom who’s here. I don’t have a mom that I know.”
For a moment, neither of us said anything. Four, in my opinion, was still too young to really be able to comprehend the facts of this particular situation. It wasn’t a conversation that I was particularly looking forward to. Declan was as smart as a whip, but I still wasn’t ready to really get into the topic of his mother. It was a talk that we’d have to have someday, but I was hoping that day was way off in the very distant future.
“So,” he continued, “since I don’t have a mom that I know, and since I like Miss Allie so much, and it seems like she does want to be my mom, I was thinking that I might ask her. Do you think she’ll say yes?”
I tried not to smile. “I’m not sure if that’s how it works,” I said. “I don’t know if people go around asking other people to be their parents.”
“But I could try, couldn’t I? That’s what you and Grandma are always saying, that I should at least try.”
“It is good to try,” I said. “Even when other people are telling you that you can’t do it. Especially then. Unless it’s dangerous, of course,” I added quickly.
“I don’t think this is dangerous, though.”
“No,” I said, taking a bite of my sandwich. “I don’t think it is, either.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Allie
I was taking a break from working out in the garden, drinking a glass of cold lemonade, when my mother called.
“Good, I’m glad you answered,” she said. “I have something very important to talk to you about.”
“Okay,” I said slowly.
“We’re going to be driving down to Provincetown for the Fourth of July,” my mother said. “It’s been so long since we’ve been there! Would you like to go with us?”
“No, I don’t think so,” I said.
“Do you have other plans?”
“I don’t know. I’ve got the day off, so I’ll probably just take it easy and then maybe figure out where to go see fireworks or something.”
“You’re not going to go to a cookout or anything?”
“I don’t know, Mom, maybe. Though the last time I tried having a cookout, it ended up getting crashed.”
“Oh, stop it, Allie, we didn’t crash your party, for heaven’s sake. Why don’t you ask Cole what he’s doing?”
“Maybe,” I said. “He might have plans with his family; I don’t know. I might see what Amy is doing, one of the girls that I work with.”
“Well, you’re always welcome to come with us to P-town. It’ll be a lot of fun, you know. We all went there once on the Fourth, when you were in middle school I think. Do you remember?”
“Sort of,” I said, vaguely recalling a long drive to the Cape, and then crowds of people packing the narrow streets of Provincetown. They had shot the fireworks off from a boat in the harbor, and I always thought that was neat.
“Well, if you don’t come down for the Fourth, what about just a visit to the city? Taking Declan to LEGOLAND? That sounds nice, doesn’t it? I think it’d be really great if you guys did that. How is everything with Cole?”
“He’s good,” I said.
“You’re really very
fortunate to have him as a neighbor. It’s not every day that you’re going to move somewhere new and hit it off with your neighbor as well as the two of you seem to. I just... I can tell there’s something there, between the two of you.”
“He’s a nice guy, and we’re enjoying each other’s company.”
“And by enjoying, do you mean...?”
“Mom!” I said. “Stop it. I’m not going to talk to you about my sex life.”
“So you have!” she exclaimed. “I knew it! Allie, honey, congratulations! Why didn’t you tell me? This is very exciting!” I could practically hear her clapping. I winced.
“Mom, I didn’t say anything.”
“You did, actually—you said sex life. Which means you must have one. Which means you had sex. I’m happy for you, Allie! Mothers and daughters can talk about this sort of thing, can’t they?”
“I guess, if they want to, but I don’t particularly want to.”
“You don’t need to give me all the details or anything, but Allie—you’re 24 years old. I was starting to wonder if you were just going to be celibate for the rest of your life. I am thrilled to hear that you’ve finally done it. I really am.”
“This is really not the conversation I need to be having right now. And you’re at home, right? You’re not sitting at Starbucks or anything, are you?”
“Yes, I’m at home. I’m out on the terrace.”
“Great,” I said, knowing how voices could carry out there, if the wind was right. “Thrilled that you’re broadcasting my sex life to all of your neighbors.”
“Geez, Allie, stop being so dramatic. No one is listening.”
I felt relieved when I finally managed to get off the phone, assuring her that I would call if it turned out that I didn’t have any plans for the Fourth after all. That’s the thing she didn’t realize, though; even if I didn’t have someone to go do something with, I would go out anyway.
I didn’t need to worry about not having anyone to hang out with on the Fourth, though, because the next time I saw Cole, he asked if I was doing anything for the Fourth.
“I’m not sure,” I said. “I would like to go see some fireworks.”
“There’s a couple good places to watch them. Declan and I were wondering if you wanted to do something during the day. I think he was hoping we could go to Gardner, hang out, then watch the fireworks there. It probably wouldn’t make sense to take the bike trail there since we’d be staying pretty late, but we could put the bikes on my rack and bring them and ride around. They do a parade earlier in the day; that’s kind of fun to see. There’s some good restaurants and stuff, too.”
“Yeah, I went to one of them once,” I said. “That’s where Ben took me out.”
“Oh, that’s right,” Cole said. “I forgot you guys went on that date. Well, I’d invite him along also, but he’s working until 2. I think he’s got other plans afterward, anyway,” he added with a smile.
“Well, my mother was just harassing me about whether or not I had plans, so now I guess I can tell her that I do.”
It was hot and sunny for the Fourth, but not too humid, which was nice. We took the bikes with us, and Cole was able to find a spot to park in the lake parking lot. From there, it was just a short ride to downtown, where the parade was going to be held.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been to a parade. We managed to snag a bench outside the ice cream shop to sit at as we watched all the floats go by. Both sides of the street were packed, and the kids scrambled for the candy and little trinkets that some of the people tossed out from their floats as they passed us.
When the parade was over, they kept Main Street barricaded off, so we were able to lock our bikes up and walk around, ride in the middle of the road. We stopped at a barbeque place for lunch and sat outside with plates of chicken wings, short ribs, and potato salad.
“I think this is the best day ever,” Declan declared. “I am having so much fun! And I can’t wait to see the fireworks.”
We took a swim, lounged on the beach for a while, then went and got some ice cream. We walked around, Cole holding one of Declan’s hands while I held the other.
“Pull me up!” he’d say, and we’d both lift our arms at the same time so his feet were off the ground for a few seconds, before putting him back down. He shrieked with glee, and I couldn’t help but smiling at how happy he was. He was, in fact, acting as happy as I felt.
Finally, the sun started to set. “We should head down this way,” Cole said. “Toward the beach. We’ll see if we can get a good spot to watch the fireworks.”
“All right,” I said. “I’m just going to run into this store and use the bathroom quickly.”
When I came out, Cole and Declan were across the street, patting a Golden Retriever. I stood there for a moment on the store’s front porch and just watched them. I started to walk over, but a woman caught my eye and she smiled and said hello.
“Hi,” I said.
The woman’s smile widened. “Oh, please don’t mind me saying it, but you have such a beautiful son and husband!” she said. “You’re just such a perfect family.” She had a slight accent, maybe from somewhere down south.
“That’s very kind of you to say,” I said. I was about to tell her that Cole wasn’t actually my husband, that this wasn’t in fact my family, but for some reason, I didn’t. It was as if I could sense how disappointed she would be to know that we weren’t really together, how much she loved the idea of this perfect, happy family enjoying the day out together. I didn’t want to be the one to break it to her that it wasn’t so. Did it matter if I didn’t? It’s not like I would ever see her again.
Cole, Declan, and I continued to make our way toward the beach. There was a big crowd of people, and we moved slowly. At one point, I realized that Declan had woven his way through the crowd and was several feet in front of us.
“Declan!” Cole said sharply. “You can’t just run off like that. You’ve got to stay with either me or Allie at all times, okay? There’s way too many people here for us to get separated. And, it’s dark out. Do you know how easy it would be for you to get lost in a crowd like this?”
Declan looked down at his shoes, then slowly nodded.
“I know you’re excited,” Cole said. “We’re excited, too. We’re having a good time. But I can tell you that we most certainly would not be having a good time if we lost track of you. So you’ve got to stick close, okay? If you don’t want to hold a hand the whole time, that’s all right, but you need to stay nearby. We need to be able to see you. Even if you see a friend, or someone that you know, you can’t just go running off without first telling an adult.”
“I’m sorry,” Declan said.
Cole nodded. “It’s okay,” he said. I could tell that he felt bad now, for raising his voice. “I didn’t mean to yell after you like that, but it scared me when I looked up and didn’t see where you had gone. But no harm done. Let’s just keep on having a good time.”
We continued walking down toward the lake. Cole took a deep breath and shot me a look. I reached over and patted his shoulder.
We were able to find a good spot not too far from the water. The air was heavy with anticipation as the sky continued to get darker and darker, and then there seemed to be a pause, like everyone was collectively holding their breath.
It was like we all heard it at the same time: this high-pitched whistling sound, barely perceptible, and then an explosion of color in the sky, followed by a boom that seemed to shake the ground beneath our feet. Everyone clapped and cheered.
The fireworks were stunning. I’d seen fireworks before, of course, but never like this. Maybe it was because all the fireworks I’d ever been to had been in the city, so there was always plenty of competing light, or maybe this night was just spectacularly clear and dark, but the fireworks seemed brighter and more magnificent than should even be possible. The full spectrum of colors exploded across the sky, in huge bursts followed by loud booms, in short little spu
rts, in shapes, like flowers and even flags. Everyone oooh’d and aaah’d, and the kids clapped their hands. When the grand finale went off, I felt goosebumps down my arms. It really was one of the neatest things I’d ever seen, and when Cole looked over at me with a smile, I grinned back, happy that I was there with him.
It was late when we finally made our way back to the car. Cole hoisted Declan up onto his shoulders since he was too tired to walk, and we hadn’t even made our way out of the parking lot when Declan was sound asleep in his car seat.
As we drove, Cole reached over and put his hand on top of mine.
“I had a great time tonight,” I said. “Those fireworks were really something.”
“They do a good job,” he said. “And I had a nice time too. So did Declan.”
We were quiet for the rest of the trip home, though the silence was comfortable, like we could just enjoy being in each other’s company without the need to fill the empty space with talking. When we got back to the house, Cole carefully extricated Declan from his car seat and carried him inside to bed. He came down a minute later.
“He is zonked out,” he said. “I don’t think he woke up at all.”
“It was a busy night for him.”
Cole yawned and stretched. “I could go for a beer. You want one?”
“Sure,” I said.
He went over to the fridge and got out two bottles of beer, which we took out onto the deck. He lit a citronella candle, and we sat next to each other as we drank the cold beer and looked up at the sky, which was dark, speckled with stars.
“Some lady tonight thought that you were my husband,” I said. “I didn’t correct her.”
He smiled. “Does this mean you want to get married?”
“No.”
He put a hand to his chest and winced. “Oh, you’re breaking my heart.”
I laughed. “Oh, stop it.”
“I’ll at least take it as a good sign that you didn’t try to correct her.”
“Well, she just seemed so enamored with the idea of us as this little family that I didn’t want to shatter that illusion.”
