by James Graham
Weatherill Apparently you now have three cars in the underground car park.
Plymouth Sutton Oh, come on.
Chelmsford All academic I suppose, anyway.
Weatherill Alan, there’s a good chap, three cars, all parked here?
Plymouth Sutton Well, the other Friday, I had a drink, didn’t I, for the, that thing, and got a taxi home. Which meant I had to drive in a new car on Monday.
Weatherill And the third car?
Plymouth Sutton Well, because I ruddy-well had a drink last Friday, didn’t I, so I had to drive in with a different car this Monday! If anyone can think of a better way to get around, then –
Weatherill I see, so this will just keep happening until the car park becomes your showroom –
Atkins (scribbling down a note and handing it to him) If you insist on parking more that one vehicle I suggest you use the car park beneath Church House, that always has more space.
Plymouth Sutton sighs, takes it, and exits.
Atkins Norman, what did you mean just then. ‘All academic anyway’, what does that mean?
Chelmsford Well. You know. This is all assuming that Ted stays as leader, isn’t it.
Atkins (beat) Am I to gather that this is an assumption not everyone in the party is making?
Chelmsford Oh come on, don’t give me that, Humphrey, another election loss, wind knocked out of the party’s sails. Bound to be talk, isn’t there?
Atkins Is there?
Chelmsford (beat; different tack) Say, what’s all this gossip about Thorpe? Male model –
Weatherill We have absolutely no interest in any rumours or hearsay regarding the leader of the Liberal Party, Norman. Perhaps if everyone were more focused on Labour instead, it wouldn’t be the Shadow Cabinet you’d be stepping into.
Opens the door for him. Chelmsford leaves.
Weatherill Chief?
Atkins (beat; goes it) Sod it, let’s head this off at the pass, shall we? Round up the usual suspects, let’s see what they know.
Weatherill Chief.
Atkins (at the door, quick beat) It wasn’t assonance, was it?
Weatherill No.
Atkins Good. (Exits.)
Weatherill It was sibilance. (Picks up his phone, and dials.)
Speaker The Member for Abingdon!
Cleaners’ cupboard. Atkins, Weatherill and Abingdon upturning buckets etc. to sit on.
Abingdon Really, we couldn’t we have gone for a walk around St James’s Park, like the old days? Wearing carnations, meeting on the bridge? ‘The seagulls fly south’, all that.
Atkins Who are you and Taunton trying to get to challenge Ted for the leadership? Someone from the Right. We’re guessing Leeds?
Abingdon Why, do you think he would win?
Atkins Yes.
Abingdon Huh. That’s not very loyal, is it?
Weatherill Airey, the whips’ job isn’t to favour one man over the other, but it is to try and orchestrate a fair and bloodless conquest that won’t damage the party.
Abingdon You think I … ? Hah, come on, chaps, I don’t want to damage the Party, damage is being done to the Party, to the country. It’s time to wake up from this, this slow lurch to the Left that we’ve been sleepwalking into since the end of the war, no questions asked. This country is being kept alive on aspirin when what it needs is electric bloody shock therapy.
Weatherill Who. Are you putting up. To stand? Is it Leeds?
Abingdon (beat) Finchley.
Atkins (beat; smiles) Oh I see. ‘Finchley’, you sly dog. None of the big guns were brave enough to go over first so you’re sending in some cannon fodder to test the ground – a lamb to the slaughter.
Abingdon Lamb, don’t make me laugh, have you ever spent any time with her?
Atkins She’ll lose, but the challenge will weaken Ted enough to get the generals over safely, finish him off. Who?
Abingdon Lowestoft. Leeds North East. East Surrey. Perhaps Yeovil.
Atkins (writing them down) Right. Well. We’d better start canvassing opinion, hadn’t we?
Abingdon You’re not going to tell him, are you?
Atkins Well, wouldn’t you prefer to know you’re about to … (picking it up) kick the bucket?
Government Whips’ Office.
The Whips assembled – Harrison just finished writing a big +3 on the blackboard.
Mellish So, let’s not get carried away, eh, but it gives us a bit of breathing space, we might be able to start getting some of our bigger stuff through. (Handing out files.) Starting with a referendum on staying in or getting out of Europe, and then Scottish and Welsh devolution. PM’s agreed that Europe should be a free vote, no whipping.
Harper They can vote the way they like? Blimey, what’s that mean, night off?
Mellish Maybe, but tonight isn’t, lets not get complacent, you’ve got your lists, make sure your sheep are happy, charm ’em, make ’em feel loved.
Speaker The Member for Batley and Morley!
Batley (entering, frail) Evening, all.
Mellish (phone to his ear) Whey, it’s the Doc! We love the Doc. (Exits.)
Batley (at Taylor) Oh, hello young lady, alright?
Harrison Ann, this is Doc Broughton, member for Batley. Doc, this is Ann, Bolton.
Taylor Nice to meet you, Doc, how you keeping?
Batley Oh, fair to middling – well, actually, uh, Walter, that’s sort of what I was, uh … (More privately.) I’ve got a hospital, you know, thing, tomorrow and well … there’s a train back up leaving in twenty, I didn’t know whether I might, uh –
Harrison Doc, don’t you worry about it, get yourself gone, Channel Tunnel Bill’s home and bloody dry, we’ll pair you up. Ey, Joe?
Harper Ay, will do, Doc, I’m a dab hand now.
Harrison Can’t have you popping your clogs here, can we? After all, ‘Nobody / dies in the Palace’.
Batley ‘ … dies in the Palace of Westminster’, ha ha, yeah.
Taylor What does that mean, ‘Nobody dies’?
Harrison Oh, it’s just this … a silly old rule; no one’s meant to snuff it here, even if they do they won’t be pronounced dead until they’re halfway across Westminster Bridge, or arrive at St Thomas’s. No one has ever died here. Technically. It’s just a thing.
Batley Ay, well, thing or not, I, uh … (More privately.) Well, ’nuther time ’nuther place, obviously, but if we could get round to have that little chat about … you know, me moving on this term.
Harrison Oh Doc, we just don’t want to see you go, that’s all.
Batley Oh, don’t play soft. Look, I held Batley for you in the election as promised, but now it looks like we’re home and dry, you know, numbers wise, I … well. Happen it’s time I hung up me boots, as it were. Seat’s as safe as houses, you’d hold it in a by-election, no trouble.
Harrison Doc, if that’s what you want, we’ll sort something out. I promise.
All leave except Cocks and Taylor.
Cocks Alright, Ann?
Taylor Yeah, fine. I think. Hard to tell, I suppose, isn’t it. I’m not sure what I’m meant to be judging my performance by, except getting everyone on my list in when we need them.
Cocks And the job, the life? This place? The late nights, and rowdy tossers – no trouble?
Taylor I’ve stood in front of a classroom and taught a pack of kids. It’s the same principle. It … I mean, I’m not saying … it does take a bit of getting used to. Being away from home, Sunday to Thursday, week in, week –
Cocks An empty London box room while your kids are growing up without you.
Taylor … Something like that. (Beat.) I shouldn’t wonder if people had an opinion of that. Me.
Cocks Let ’em. Course, harder for us, our side. As a rule we come from further away. Half of them lot live in London, anyway. I rememb – This is funny now, but I imagined it’d feel like being a rock star, when I started. Like being away on tour. But it’s … you know, not …
Taylor No wonder the
y all prop up the bars till the early hours. Nothing else to do. Nowhere else to go. How do you do it. Wife, family? Home?
Cocks … I don’t know, Ann.
Taylor (beat; looks at the board) ’S it enough to stay alive, then, d’you reckon? Three?
Cocks Yeah, technically. Just so long as it don’t go down.
Speaker The member for Walsall North!
In the Commons Chamber, Walsall North stands.
The Members’ Chorus sing a choral version of ‘Rock ’n’ Roll Suicide’ by David Bowie as Walsall North steps from the bench.
Sound of the sea. He lights a cigarette. Kicks off his shoes. Takes off his trousers.
Smokes. Unbuttons and takes off his shirt. Smokes.
He walks … and disappears.
The Government Whips’ Office. Harrison wipes out ‘+3’ and replaces it with ‘+2’.
Mellish Just his clothes left. Strewn along on the bloody beach. Miami. Christ …
Cock And there … there was no, there was no like, body, or … or a note or – ?
Harrison Mad bugger. Should have known. We should have fuckin’ – sorry Ann – known.
Cocks Yeah, but, I mean, you say, you know, you say that but … ha, it’s, it’s, you, it …
Ann (with the book) Oh Jesus. His last question in the House. Remember? Drowning statistics.
Mellish Oh holy …
Harper Jesus.
Cocks He … he sa – I mean, what, what more could you do, just –
Mellish Nowt. Couldn’t do nowt, not our fault people of this country vote in friggin’ lunatics, is it? We just have to make sure we don’t bloody well lose any more of ’em, Christ. (Jacket on, making to go.) Joe, what are these grumblings from Paisley and Ayrshire, your list?
Harper Sure it’s all piss and wind, Chief, they’re just trying to set cat among the pigeons.
Harrison Devolution, Chief, Scotland. Threatening to leave the party if it’s not set in motion.
Mellish Keep ’em in line, please! We won’t be held to ransom. Just two in it. Two! No more! (Exits, slamming the door.)
Speaker The Member for Woolwich West!
House of Commons Chamber. The Member for Woolwich West stands, clutching his heart …
Government Whips’ Office. Harrison replaces ‘+2’ on the board with ‘+1’. He steps out, into –
The lobby. Harrison passing Weatherill.
Weatherill Sorry to hear about old Woolwich, Walter. Bad bit of luck.
Harrison Oh. aye, yeah, ’specially taking his seat in the by-election, you must all be weeping –
Weatherill (stern) Walter.
Harrison Al – alright, fine, look sorry. Oi. Jack. (Means it.) I’m sorry. (Removes his handkerchief.) Look, cheer yourself up, do a bit of embroidery in that. Go on, wife’s always tellin’ me how tatty it is, could stitch a pattern in it.
Weatherill (smiling) I think I’ll pass if it’s all the same.
Harrison Oh yeah, big day today, eh? All change. When are the results in?
Weatherill Walter, I don’t doubt for a second that you’ll probably know before we do.
Harrison Looks like we’re staying in for the full five though, eh, gone past the year mark now.
Weatherill You can be smug all you want, Walter, all it means is you’re in power as the economy worsens and the blame can be on you. Not long now, though, until the profits from North Sea oil start pumping in, and we’ll take over just in time to spend it.
Harrison Alright, double the bet. Twenty?
Weatherill Done.
They shake, and part, Weatherill stepping into –
Opposition Whips’ Office. Atkins on the phone, Silvester, and Abingdon. Weatherill enters.
Speaker Member for Abingdon!
Atkins No, I understand, Ted. I can only apologise that our numbers were a bit off. Everything pointed towards you scraping through. (Listens.) Well. That’s very graceful of you. Ta-ta. (Phone down.) Well, there you go, Airey. (Handing him the results.) Looks like your stalking horse has ‘accidentally’ arrived home first. 130 to 119. Con-gra-tu-lations.
Abingdon takes the results, slightly agog.
Atkins Seems everyone thought everyone else would vote for Ted, so no harm in registering a little protest. Funny how things work out, eh.
Abingdon She’s going to surprise you. You know. I was, I mean I admit, that wasn’t what I’d … or any of us had … but. She’s going to surprise you.
Weatherill Well, then. (Grabbing his things.) I suppose we’d better go and pay her a visit.
Scene Four
The Lobby. Silvester facing Harper. Pairing books at the ready.
Harper A handful of our lot off ill for your Trade Union amendment, I’m afraid. Batley, again –
Silvester The Doc? Still?
Harper Emphysema. Leeds Hospital. Also St Helen’s, Glasgow Garscarden, and Thurrock.
Silvester Some might wonder why on earth we should be taking so many of our boys out.
Harper Yeah, they might. But they wouldn’t be people of honour, would thee? Upholding an age-old tradition.
Silvester Yeah, alright, keep your braces on. One of our trickier customers has a boat show they’re trying to get to, that’ll bring him on side. Say, this stuff about Thorpe, eh? Didn’t come from your lot, did it? Young male lover. Attempted assassination. All nonsense, of course. Must be.
Harper Before I came into politics, Frederick, I would have agreed with you.
The Division Bell rings. In the Lobby, the Teller climbs atop his stool as Members scuttle through the small shaft of light, one after the other, being counted.
Speaker The Question is, that Opposition Amendment No. 101 to the Trade Union and Labour Relations Bill be made.
Ayes to the right, 290. Noes to the left … 291! The Noes have it! The Noes have it!
Government Whips’ Office. Mellish hurls some papers across the room. Harper’s on the phone.
Mellish One! We’re only scraping through by bloody one, now! Shit!
Cocks … Least we won it though, Chief.
Mellish We can’t have it hanging on a fucking knife edge like this, right? We need to be secure.
Harrison Odds and sods are restless, starting to ask what they’re getting in return for their support. It’s becoming harder to –
Mellish Yes, well, it’s about to get a whole lot fucking worse. Ann, shut that door. Joe, off that fucking phone, now please.
Harper Chief, I’m just –
Mellish (takes the receiver slams it down) Ann, sorry for all the fucking swearing.
Taylor It’s alright, Chief.
Mellish This don’t leave the room. Only Cabinet Secretary and me knows, right? (Sighs.) The PM. He’s going. Summertime.
Harper You what? No.
Mellish He never intended to see out a full term, and with Finchley bringing … well, a surprising amount of unity and energy to the Opposition … it feels like the right time.
Harper Or the worst possible time – Jesus!
Harrison He’s just old, Joe. We’re all just bloody old.
Mellish Gets more interesting. We’ve had our own intelligence about this mad case of Thorpe on the Liberal side. Straight from the top. And Walter’s met with Peebles. Walter?
Harrison Basically, he an’t got a fart in the wind’s chance of riding this one out, even though from what we can tell it’s all a bucket of bullshit, no evidence. Accusation from this male model that he and him were … well, and that Thorpe then tried to bump him off.
Mellish Who needs bloody Crossroads, ey?
Harrison Either way, all signs point to him being arrested within the month. ‘Attempted murder’, no less, so …
Taylor The Liberal leader, accused of … ?
Harper Blimey.
Mellish So it’ll be all change, three new leaders in the space of months, which means our alliances are shaky at best.
Harper A three-way changeover in one Parliament? That ever happen before? –
>
Mellish What does that matter, it’s happening now. (Pointing at the board, ‘+1’.) And it doesn’t get more fragile than that, does it? If Paisley and Ayrshire follow through with their threat of jumping ship, regardless of our threats, we’re back to hung again.
Harper Huh. Has that ever happened before?
Mellish Joe, I’ll save you some time, just assume that, in this Parliament, all bets are off. First things first though, once it’s announced the PM’s going, we’re going to have to start canvassing our lot, see what the word is on a replacement. (Phone rings.) What? (Listens, beat …) You’re having a laugh, don’t muck about. (Shock, puts the phone down.) They’ve found him …
Harrison What? Who?
Mellish Hah! He’s alive! Ha ha … he’s only a-bloody-well-live!
He runs to the board and replaces ‘+1’ with ‘+2’, laughing.
Speaker The Member for Walsall North!
Westminster Clock Tower – ‘Old Prison Cell’.
Walsall North sits, hands between his legs, looking weak. Cocks and Mellish.
Walsall North You look worse than I do. And I’m dead …
Hello Michael, nice to see you again. I’m sorry for the undue … everything. Where is this?
Mellish Just somewhere out the way, no prying eyes.
Cocks It’s the old prison cell, base of the Clock Tower.
Mellish A member’s not been locked in here for sixty years, thought we’d reinstate the tradition.
Cock What … what was it, John? Just. The business, or your –
Walsall North Oh, I suppose just everything really. I knew the police would catch up with the fraud. I was having these dreams, too, really … really quite … Oh, and I fell in love, of course.
Cocks With your secretary.
Walsall North Ye-es, she told me you’d been asking questions. Whoopsy-daisy, you.
Mellish We hear you’re looking at maybe six months. Not bad for … how many counts?
Walsall North Uh, tweny-one, I think. Yes, forgery, wasting police time, um, falsifying accounts … uh, oh, faking my own death, of course, that’s a big one.
Mellish When they got you, the Australian police thought they’d found Lord Lucan.
Walsall North (chuckling) I know. I had to pull me trousers down, so they could search for the scar. Ha ha. Still, poor them. Thinking they’d found a murdering Earl, and all they got was the Member for Walsall North. How is it, by-the-by? Good ol’ Walsall North? I suppose it’s not my problem now, is it?
