Indiscretions of Archie

by P. G. Wodehouse

  CHAPTER VI. THE BOMB

  Archie bounded silently out into the other room and stood listeningtensely. He was not a naturally querulous man, but he did feel at thispoint that Fate was picking on him with a somewhat undue severity.

  "In th' name av th' Law!"

  There are times when the best of us lose our heads. At this junctureArchie should undoubtedly have gone to the door, opened it, explainedhis presence in a few well-chosen words, and generally have passed thewhole thing off with ready tact. But the thought of confronting a posseof police in his present costume caused him to look earnestly about himfor a hiding-place.

  Up against the farther wall was a settee with a high, arching back,which might have been put there for that special purpose. He insertedhimself behind this, just as a splintering crash announced that the Law,having gone through the formality of knocking with its knuckles, was nowgetting busy with an axe. A moment later the door had given way, and theroom was full of trampling feet. Archie wedged himself against the wallwith the quiet concentration of a clam nestling in its shell, and hopedfor the best.

  It seemed to him that his immediate future depended for better or forworse entirely on the native intelligence of the Force. If they were thebright, alert men he hoped they were, they would see all that junk inthe bedroom and, deducing from it that their quarry had stood notupon the order of his going but had hopped it, would not waste time insearching a presumably empty apartment. If, on the other hand, they werethe obtuse, flat-footed persons who occasionally find their way intothe ranks of even the most enlightened constabularies, they wouldundoubtedly shift the settee and drag him into a publicity from whichhis modest soul shrank. He was enchanted, therefore, a few momentslater, to hear a gruff voice state that th' mutt had beaten it downth' fire-escape. His opinion of the detective abilities of the New Yorkpolice force rose with a bound.

  There followed a brief council of war, which, as it took place in thebedroom, was inaudible to Archie except as a distant growling noise.He could distinguish no words, but, as it was succeeded by a generaltrampling of large boots in the direction of the door and then bysilence, he gathered that the pack, having drawn the studio and foundit empty, had decided to return to other and more profitable duties. Hegave them a reasonable interval for removing themselves, and then pokedhis head cautiously over the settee.

  All was peace. The place was empty. No sound disturbed the stillness.

  Archie emerged. For the first time in this morning of disturbingoccurrences he began to feel that God was in his heaven and all rightwith the world. At last things were beginning to brighten up a bit, andlife might be said to have taken on some of the aspects of a good egg.He stretched himself, for it is cramping work lying under settees, and,proceeding to the bedroom, picked up the tweed trousers again.

  Clothes had a fascination for Archie. Another man, in similarcircumstances, might have hurried over his toilet; but Archie, faced bya difficult choice of ties, rather strung the thing out. He selected aspecimen which did great credit to the taste of Mr. Moon, evidentlyone of our snappiest dressers, found that it did not harmonise with thedeeper meaning of the tweed suit, removed it, chose another, and wasadjusting the bow and admiring the effect, when his attention wasdiverted by a slight sound which was half a cough and half a sniff; and,turning, found himself gazing into the clear blue eyes of a large manin uniform, who had stepped into the room from the fire-escape. He wasswinging a substantial club in a negligent sort of way, and he looked atArchie with a total absence of bonhomie.

  "Ah!" he observed.

  "Oh, THERE you are!" said Archie, subsiding weakly against the chestof drawers. He gulped. "Of course, I can see you're thinking all thispretty tolerably weird and all that," he proceeded, in a propitiatoryvoice.

  The policeman attempted no analysis of his emotions, He opened a mouthwhich a moment before had looked incapable of being opened except withthe assistance of powerful machinery, and shouted a single word.

  "Cassidy!"

  A distant voice gave tongue in answer. It was like alligators roaring totheir mates across lonely swamps.

  There was a rumble of footsteps in the region of the stairs, andpresently there entered an even larger guardian of the Law than thefirst exhibit. He, too, swung a massive club, and, like his colleague,he gazed frostily at Archie.

  "God save Ireland!" he remarked.

  The words appeared to be more in the nature of an expletive than apractical comment on the situation. Having uttered them, he drapedhimself in the doorway like a colossus, and chewed gum.

  "Where ja get him?" he enquired, after a pause.

  "Found him in here attimpting to disguise himself."

  "I told Cap. he was hiding somewheres, but he would have it that he'dbeat it down th' escape," said the gum-chewer, with the sombre triumphof the underling whose sound advice has been overruled by those abovehim. He shifted his wholesome (or, as some say, unwholesome) morsel tothe other side of his mouth, and for the first time addressed Archiedirectly. "Ye're pinched!" he observed.

  Archie started violently. The bleak directness of the speech roused himwith a jerk from the dream-like state into which he had fallen. He hadnot anticipated this. He had assumed that there would be a period oftedious explanations to be gone through before he was at liberty todepart to the cosy little lunch for which his interior had been sighingwistfully this long time past; but that he should be arrested had beenoutside his calculations. Of course, he could put everything righteventually; he could call witnesses to his character and the purity ofhis intentions; but in the meantime the whole dashed business would bein all the papers, embellished with all those unpleasant flippancies towhich your newspaper reporter is so prone to stoop when he sees half achance. He would feel a frightful chump. Chappies would rot him about itto the most fearful extent. Old Brewster's name would come into it, andhe could not disguise it from himself that his father-in-law, who likedhis name in the papers as little as possible, would be sorer than asunburned neck.

  "No, I say, you know! I mean, I mean to say!"

  "Pinched!" repeated the rather larger policeman.

  "And annything ye say," added his slightly smaller colleague, "will beused agenst ya 't the trial."

  "And if ya try t'escape," said the first speaker, twiddling his club,"ya'll getja block knocked off."

  And, having sketched out this admirably clear and neatly-constructedscenario, the two relapsed into silence. Officer Cassidy restored hisgum to circulation. Officer Donahue frowned sternly at his boots.

  "But, I say," said Archie, "it's all a mistake, you know. Absolutely afrightful error, my dear old constables. I'm not the lad you're afterat all. The chappie you want is a different sort of fellow altogether.Another blighter entirely."

  New York policemen never laugh when on duty. There is probably somethingin the regulations against it. But Officer Donahue permitted the leftcorner of his mouth to twitch slightly, and a momentary muscular spasmdisturbed the calm of Officer Cassidy's granite features, as a passingbreeze ruffles the surface of some bottomless lake.

  "That's what they all say!" observed Officer Donahue.

  "It's no use tryin' that line of talk," said Officer Cassidy. "Babcock'ssquealed."

  "Sure. Squealed 's morning," said Officer Donahue.

  Archie's memory stirred vaguely.

  "Babcock?" he said. "Do you know, that name seems familiar to me,somehow. I'm almost sure I've read it in the paper or something."

  "Ah, cut it out!" said Officer Cassidy, disgustedly. The two constablesexchanged a glance of austere disapproval. This hypocrisy pained them."Read it in th' paper or something!"

  "By Jove! I remember now. He's the chappie who was arrested in thatbond business. For goodness' sake, my dear, merry old constables," saidArchie, astounded, "you surely aren't labouring under the impressionthat I'm the Master-Mind they were talking about in the paper? Why, whatan absolutely priceless notion! I mean to say, I ask you, what! Frankly,laddies, do I look like a Master-Mind
?"

  Officer Cassidy heaved a deep sigh, which rumbled up from his interiorlike the first muttering of a cyclone.

  "If I'd known," he said, regretfully, "that this guy was going to turnout a ruddy Englishman, I'd have taken a slap at him with m' stick andchanced it!"

  Officer Donahue considered the point well taken.

  "Ah!" he said, understandingly. He regarded Archie with an unfriendlyeye. "I know th' sort well! Trampling on th' face av th' poor!"

  "Ya c'n trample on the poor man's face," said Officer Cassidy, severely;"but don't be surprised if one day he bites you in the leg!"

  "But, my dear old sir," protested Archie, "I've never trampled--"

  "One of these days," said Officer Donahue, moodily, "the Shannon willflow in blood to the sea!"

  "Absolutely! But--"

  Officer Cassidy uttered a glad cry.

  "Why couldn't we hit him a lick," he suggested, brightly, "an' tell th'Cap. he resisted us in th' exercise of our jooty?"

  An instant gleam of approval and enthusiasm came into Officer Donahue'seyes. Officer Donahue was not a man who got these luminous inspirationshimself, but that did not prevent him appreciating them in others andbestowing commendation in the right quarter. There was nothing petty orgrudging about Officer Donahue.

  "Ye're the lad with the head, Tim!" he exclaimed admiringly.

  "It just sorta came to me," said Mr. Cassidy, modestly.

  "It's a great idea, Timmy!"

  "Just happened to think of it," said Mr. Cassidy, with a coy gesture ofself-effacement.

  Archie had listened to the dialogue with growing uneasiness. Not for thefirst time since he had made their acquaintance, he became vividly awareof the exceptional physical gifts of these two men. The New York policeforce demands from those who would join its ranks an extremely highstandard of stature and sinew, but it was obvious that jolly old Donahueand Cassidy must have passed in first shot without any difficultywhatever.

  "I say, you know," he observed, apprehensively.

  And then a sharp and commanding voice spoke from the outer room.

  "Donahue! Cassidy! What the devil does this mean?"

  Archie had a momentary impression that an angel had fluttered down tohis rescue. If this was the case, the angel had assumed an effectivedisguise--that of a police captain. The new arrival was a far smallerman than his subordinates--so much smaller that it did Archie good tolook at him. For a long time he had been wishing that it were possibleto rest his eyes with the spectacle of something of a slightly lessout-size nature than his two companions.

  "Why have you left your posts?"

  The effect of the interruption on the Messrs. Cassidy and Donahuewas pleasingly instantaneous. They seemed to shrink to almost normalproportions, and their manner took on an attractive deference.

  Officer Donahue saluted.

  "If ye plaze, sorr--"

  Officer Cassidy also saluted, simultaneously.

  "'Twas like this, sorr--"

  The captain froze Officer Cassidy with a glance and, leaving himcongealed, turned to Officer Donahue.

  "Oi wuz standing on th' fire-escape, sorr," said Officer Donahue, ina tone of obsequious respect which not only delighted, but astoundedArchie, who hadn't known he could talk like that, "accordin' toinstructions, when I heard a suspicious noise. I crope in, sorr, andfound this duck--found the accused, sorr--in front of the mirror,examinin' himself. I then called to Officer Cassidy for assistance. Wepinched--arrested um, sorr."

  The captain looked at Archie. It seemed to Archie that he looked at himcoldly and with contempt.

  "Who is he?"

  "The Master-Mind, sorr."

  "The what?"

  "The accused, sorr. The man that's wanted."

  "You may want him. I don't," said the captain. Archie, though relieved,thought he might have put it more nicely. "This isn't Moon. It's not abit like him."

  "Absolutely not!" agreed Archie, cordially. "It's all a mistake, oldcompanion, as I was trying to--"

  "Cut it out!"

  "Oh, right-o!"

  "You've seen the photographs at the station. Do you mean to tell me yousee any resemblance?"

  "If ye plaze, sorr," said Officer Cassidy, coming to life.

  "Well?"

  "We thought he'd bin disguising himself, the way he wouldn't berecognised."

  "You're a fool!" said the captain.

  "Yes, sorr," said Officer Cassidy, meekly.

  "So are you, Donahue."

  "Yes, sorr."

  Archie's respect for this chappie was going up all the time. He seemedto be able to take years off the lives of these massive blighters with aword. It was like the stories you read about lion-tamers. Archie didnot despair of seeing Officer Donahue and his old college chum Cassidyeventually jumping through hoops.

  "Who are you?" demanded the captain, turning to Archie.

  "Well, my name is--"

  "What are you doing here?"

  "Well, it's rather a longish story, you know. Don't want to bore you,and all that."

  "I'm here to listen. You can't bore ME."

  "Dashed nice of you to put it like that," said Archie, gratefully. "Imean to say, makes it easier and so forth. What I mean is, you know howrotten you feel telling the deuce of a long yarn and wondering if theparty of the second part is wishing you would turn off the tap and gohome. I mean--"

  "If," said the captain, "you're reciting something, stop. If you'retrying to tell me what you're doing here, make it shorter and easier."

  Archie saw his point. Of course, time was money--the modern spirit ofhustle--all that sort of thing.

  "Well, it was this bathing suit, you know," he said.

  "What bathing suit?"

  "Mine, don't you know, A lemon-coloured contrivance. Rather bright andso forth, but in its proper place not altogether a bad egg. Well, thewhole thing started, you know, with my standing on a bally pedestal sortof arrangement in a diving attitude--for the cover, you know. I don'tknow if you have ever done anything of that kind yourself, but it givesyou a most fearful crick in the spine. However, that's rather beside thepoint, I suppose--don't know why I mentioned it. Well, this morning hewas dashed late, so I went out--"

  "What the devil are you talking about?"

  Archie looked at him, surprised.

  "Aren't I making it clear?"

  "No."

  "Well, you understand about the bathing suit, don't you? The jolly oldbathing suit, you've grasped that, what?"

  "No."

  "Oh, I say," said Archie. "That's rather a nuisance. I mean to say,the bathing suit's what you might call the good old pivot of the wholedashed affair, you see. Well, you understand about the cover, what?You're pretty clear on the subject of the cover?"

  "What cover?"

  "Why, for the magazine."

  "What magazine?"

  "Now there you rather have me. One of these bright little periodicals,you know, that you see popping to and fro on the bookstalls."

  "I don't know what you're talking about," said the captain. He looked atArchie with an expression of distrust and hostility. "And I'll tell youstraight out I don't like the looks of you. I believe you're a pal ofhis."

  "No longer," said Archie, firmly. "I mean to say, a chappie who makesyou stand on a bally pedestal sort of arrangement and get a crick inthe spine, and then doesn't turn up and leaves you biffing all over thecountryside in a bathing suit--"

  The reintroduction of the bathing suit motive seemed to have the worsteffect on the captain. He flushed darkly.

  "Are you trying to josh me? I've a mind to soak you!"

  "If ye plaze, sorr," cried Officer Donahue and Officer Cassidy inchorus. In the course of their professional career they did not oftenhear their superior make many suggestions with which they saw eye toeye, but he had certainly, in their opinion, spoken a mouthful now.

  "No, honestly, my dear old thing, nothing was farther from mythoughts--"

  He would have spoken further, but at this m
oment the world came toan end. At least, that was how it sounded. Somewhere in the immediateneighbourhood something went off with a vast explosion, shattering theglass in the window, peeling the plaster from the ceiling, and sendinghim staggering into the inhospitable arms of Officer Donahue.

  The three guardians of the Law stared at one another.

  "If ye plaze, sorr," said. Officer Cassidy, saluting.

  "Well?"

  "May I spake, sorr?"

  "Well?"

  "Something's exploded, sorr!"

  The information, kindly meant though it was, seemed to annoy thecaptain.

  "What the devil did you think I thought had happened?" he demanded, withnot a little irritation, "It was a bomb!"

  Archie could have corrected this diagnosis, for already a faint butappealing aroma of an alcoholic nature was creeping into the roomthrough a hole in the ceiling, and there had risen before his eyes thepicture of J. B. Wheeler affectionately regarding that barrel of his onthe previous morning in the studio upstairs. J. B. Wheeler had wantedquick results, and he had got them. Archie had long since ceased toregard J. B. Wheeler as anything but a tumour on the social system, buthe was bound to admit that he had certainly done him a good turn now.Already these honest men, diverted by the superior attraction of thislatest happening, appeared to have forgotten his existence.

  "Sorr!" said Officer Donahue.

  "Well?"

  "It came from upstairs, sorr."

  "Of course it came from upstairs. Cassidy!"

  "Sorr?"

  "Get down into the street, call up the reserves, and stand at the frontentrance to keep the crowd back. We'll have the whole city here in fiveminutes."

  "Right, sorr."

  "Don't let anyone in."

  "No, sorr."

  "Well, see that you don't. Come along, Donahue, now. Look slippy."

  "On the spot, sorr!" said Officer Donahue.

  A moment later Archie had the studio to himself. Two minutes later hewas picking his way cautiously down the fire-escape after the manner ofthe recent Mr. Moon. Archie had not seen much of Mr. Moon, but he hadseen enough to know that in certain crises his methods were sound andshould be followed. Elmer Moon was not a good man; his ethics were poorand his moral code shaky; but in the matter of legging it away from asituation of peril and discomfort he had no superior.