CHAPTER VII. MR. ROSCOE SHERRIFF HAS AN IDEA
Archie inserted a fresh cigarette in his long holder and began to smokea little moodily. It was about a week after his disturbing adventures inJ. B. Wheeler's studio, and life had ceased for the moment to be a thingof careless enjoyment. Mr. Wheeler, mourning over his lost home-brew andrefusing, like Niobe, to be comforted, has suspended the sittings forthe magazine cover, thus robbing Archie of his life-work. Mr. Brewsterhad not been in genial mood of late. And, in addition to all this,Lucille was away on a visit to a school-friend. And when Lucille wentaway, she took with her the sunshine. Archie was not surprised at herbeing popular and in demand among her friends, but that did not help himto become reconciled to her absence.
He gazed rather wistfully across the table at his friend, RoscoeSherriff, the Press-agent, another of his Pen-and-Ink Clubacquaintances. They had just finished lunch, and during the mealSherriff, who, like most men of action, was fond of hearing the soundof his own voice and liked exercising it on the subject of himself, hadbeen telling Archie a few anecdotes about his professional past. Fromthese the latter had conceived a picture of Roscoe Sherriff's life as aprismatic thing of energy and adventure and well-paid withal--just thesort of life, in fact, which he would have enjoyed leading himself.He wished that he, too, like the Press-agent, could go about the place"slipping things over" and "putting things across." Daniel Brewster, hefelt, would have beamed upon a son-in-law like Roscoe Sherriff.
"The more I see of America," sighed Archie, "the more it amazes me. Allyou birds seem to have been doing things from the cradle upwards. I wishI could do things!"
"Well, why don't you?"
Archie flicked the ash from his cigarette into the finger-bowl.
"Oh, I don't know, you know," he said, "Somehow, none of our family everhave. I don't know why it is, but whenever a Moffam starts out to dothings he infallibly makes a bloomer. There was a Moffam in the MiddleAges who had a sudden spasm of energy and set out to make a pilgrimageto Jerusalem, dressed as a wandering friar. Rum ideas they had in thosedays."
"Did he get there?"
"Absolutely not! Just as he was leaving the front door his favouritehound mistook him for a tramp--or a varlet, or a scurvy knave, orwhatever they used to call them at that time--and bit him in the fleshypart of the leg."
"Well, at least he started."
"Enough to make a chappie start, what?"
Roscoe Sherriff sipped his coffee thoughtfully. He was an apostle ofEnergy, and it seemed to him that he could make a convert of Archie andincidentally do himself a bit of good. For several days he had been,looking for someone like Archie to help him in a small matter which hehad in mind.
"If you're really keen on doing things," he said, "there's something youcan do for me right away."
Archie beamed. Action was what his soul demanded.
"Anything, dear boy, anything! State your case!"
"Would you have any objection to putting up a snake for me?"
"Putting up a snake?"
"Just for a day or two."
"But how do you mean, old soul? Put him up where?"
"Wherever you live. Where do you live? The Cosmopolis, isn't it? Ofcourse! You married old Brewster's daughter. I remember reading aboutit."
"But, I say, laddie, I don't want to spoil your day and disappoint youand so forth, but my jolly old father-in-law would never let me keep asnake. Why, it's as much as I can do to make him let me stop on in theplace."
"He wouldn't know."
"There's not much that goes on in the hotel that he doesn't know," saidArchie, doubtfully.
"He mustn't know. The whole point of the thing is that it must be a deadsecret."
Archie flicked some more ash into the finger-bowl.
"I don't seem absolutely to have grasped the affair in all its aspects,if you know what I mean," he said. "I mean to say--in the firstplace--why would it brighten your young existence if I entertained thissnake of yours?"
"It's not mine. It belongs to Mme. Brudowska. You've heard of her, ofcourse?"
"Oh yes. She's some sort of performing snake female in vaudeville orsomething, isn't she, or something of that species or order?"
"You're near it, but not quite right. She is the leading exponent ofhigh-brow tragedy on any stage in the civilized world."
"Absolutely! I remember now. My wife lugged me to see her perform onenight. It all comes back to me. She had me wedged in an orchestra-stallbefore I knew what I was up against, and then it was too late. Iremember reading in some journal or other that she had a pet snake,given her by some Russian prince or other, what?"
"That," said Sherriff, "was the impression I intended to convey when Isent the story to the papers. I'm her Press-agent. As a matter of fact,I bought Peter-its name's Peter-myself down on the East Side. I alwaysbelieve in animals for Press-agent stunts. I've nearly always had goodresults. But with Her Nibs I'm handicapped. Shackled, so to speak. Youmight almost say my genius is stifled. Or strangled, if you prefer it."
"Anything you say," agreed Archie, courteously, "But how? Why is yourwhat-d'you-call-it what's-its-named?"
"She keeps me on a leash. She won't let me do anything with a kick init. If I've suggested one rip-snorting stunt, I've suggested twenty, andevery time she turns them down on the ground that that sort of thingis beneath the dignity of an artist in her position. It doesn't give afellow a chance. So now I've made up my mind to do her good by stealth.I'm going to steal her snake."
"Steal it? Pinch it, as it were?"
"Yes. Big story for the papers, you see. She's grown very much attachedto Peter. He's her mascot. I believe she's practically kidded herselfinto believing that Russian prince story. If I can sneak it away andkeep it away for a day or two, she'll do the rest. She'll make such afuss that the papers will be full of it."
"I see."
"Wow, any ordinary woman would work in with me. But not Her Nibs. Shewould call it cheap and degrading and a lot of other things. It's got tobe a genuine steal, and, if I'm caught at it, I lose my job. So that'swhere you come in."
"But where am I to keep the jolly old reptile?"
"Oh, anywhere. Punch a few holes in a hat-box, and make it up ashakedown inside. It'll be company for you."
"Something in that. My wife's away just now and it's a bit lonely in theevenings."
"You'll never be lonely with Peter around. He's a great scout. Alwaysmerry and bright."
"He doesn't bite, I suppose, or sting or what-not?"
"He may what-not occasionally. It depends on the weather. But, outsideof that, he's as harmless as a canary."
"Dashed dangerous things, canaries," said Archie, thoughtfully. "Theypeck at you."
"Don't weaken!" pleaded the Press-agent
"Oh, all right. I'll take him. By the way, touching the matter ofbrowsing and sluicing. What do I feed him on?"
"Oh, anything. Bread-and-milk or fruit or soft-boiled egg or dog-biscuitor ants'-eggs. You know--anything you have yourself. Well, I'm muchobliged for your hospitality. I'll do the same for you another time. NowI must be getting along to see to the practical end of the thing. By theway, Her Nibs lives at the Cosmopolis, too. Very convenient. Well, solong. See you later."
Archie, left alone, began for the first time to have serious doubts. Hehad allowed himself to be swayed by Mr. Sherriff's magnetic personality,but now that the other had removed himself he began to wonder if he hadbeen entirely wise to lend his sympathy and co-operation to the scheme.He had never had intimate dealings with a snake before, but he had keptsilkworms as a child, and there had been the deuce of a lot of fuss andunpleasantness over them. Getting into the salad and what-not. Somethingseemed to tell him that he was asking for trouble with a loud voice, buthe had given his word and he supposed he would have to go through withit.
He lit another cigarette and wandered out into Fifth Avenue. His usuallysmooth brow was ruffled with care. Despite the eulogies which Sherriffhad uttered concerning Peter, he found his d
oubts increasing. Petermight, as the Press-agent had stated, be a great scout, but was hislittle Garden of Eden on the fifth floor of the Cosmopolis Hotel likelyto be improved by the advent of even the most amiable and winsome ofserpents? However--
"Moffam! My dear fellow!"
The voice, speaking suddenly in his ear from behind, roused Archie fromhis reflections. Indeed, it roused him so effectually that he jumped aclear inch off the ground and bit his tongue. Revolving on his axis, hefound himself confronting a middle-aged man with a face like a horse.The man was dressed in something of an old-world style. His clothes hadan English cut. He had a drooping grey moustache. He also wore a greybowler hat flattened at the crown--but who are we to judge him?
"Archie Moffam! I have been trying to find you all the morning."
Archie had placed him now. He had not seen General Mannister for severalyears--not, indeed, since the days when he used to meet him at the homeof young Lord Seacliff, his nephew. Archie had been at Eton and Oxfordwith Seacliff, and had often visited him in the Long Vacation.
"Halloa, General! What ho, what ho! What on earth are you doing overhere?"
"Let's get out of this crush, my boy." General Mannister steered Archieinto a side-street, "That's better." He cleared his throat once ortwice, as if embarrassed. "I've brought Seacliff over," he said,finally.
"Dear old Squiffy here? Oh, I say! Great work!"
General Mannister did not seem to share his enthusiasm. He looked like ahorse with a secret sorrow. He coughed three times, like a horse who, inaddition to a secret sorrow, had contracted asthma.
"You will find Seacliff changed," he said. "Let me see, how long is itsince you and he met?"
Archie reflected.
"I was demobbed just about a year ago. I saw him in Paris about a yearbefore that. The old egg got a bit of shrapnel in his foot or something,didn't he? Anyhow, I remember he was sent home."
"His foot is perfectly well again now. But, unfortunately, the enforcedinaction led to disastrous results. You recollect, no doubt, thatSeacliff always had a--a tendency;--a--a weakness--it was a familyfailing--"
"Mopping it up, do you mean? Shifting it? Looking on the jolly old stuffwhen it was red and what not, what?"
"Exactly."
Archie nodded.
"Dear old Squiffy was always rather-a lad for the wassail-bowl. When Imet him in Paris, I remember, he was quite tolerably blotto."
"Precisely. And the failing has, I regret to say, grown on him since hereturned from the war. My poor sister was extremely worried. In fact, tocut a long story short, I induced him to accompany me to America. I amattached to the British Legation in Washington now, you know."
"Oh, really?"
"I wished Seacliff to come with me to Washington, but he insists onremaining in New York. He stated specifically that the thought of livingin Washington gave him the--what was the expression he used?"
"The pip?"
"The pip. Precisely."
"But what was the idea of bringing him to America?"
"This admirable Prohibition enactment has rendered America--to mymind--the ideal place for a young man of his views." The General lookedat his watch. "It is most fortunate that I happened to run into you, mydear fellow. My train for Washington leaves in another hour, and I havepacking to do. I want to leave poor Seacliff in your charge while I amgone."
"Oh, I say! What!"
"You can look after him. I am credibly informed that even now thereare places in New York where a determined young man may obtainthe--er--stuff, and I should be infinitely obliged--and my poor sisterwould be infinitely grateful--if you would keep an eye on him." Hehailed a taxi-cab. "I am sending Seacliff round to the Cosmopolisto-night. I am sure you, will do everything you can. Good-bye, my boy,good-bye."
Archie continued his walk. This, he felt, was beginning to be a bitthick. He smiled a bitter, mirthless smile as he recalled the fact thatless than half an hour had elapsed since he had expressed a regret thathe did not belong to the ranks of those who do things. Fate since thenhad certainly supplied him with jobs with a lavish hand. By bed-time hewould be an active accomplice to a theft, valet and companion to a snakehe had never met, and--as far as could gather the scope of his duties--acombination of nursemaid and private detective to dear old Squiffy.
It was past four o'clock when he returned to the Cosmopolis. RoscoeSherriff was pacing the lobby of the hotel nervously, carrying a smallhand-bag.
"Here you are at last! Good heavens, man, I've been waiting two hours."
"Sorry, old bean. I was musing a bit and lost track of the time."
The Press-agent looked cautiously round. There was nobody withinearshot.
"Here he is!" he said.
"Who?"
"Peter."
"Where?" said Archie, staring blankly.
"In this bag. Did you expect to find him strolling arm-in-arm with meround the lobby? Here you are! Take him!"
He was gone. And Archie, holding the bag, made his way to the lift. Thebag squirmed gently in his grip.
The only other occupant of the lift was a striking-looking woman offoreign appearance, dressed in a way that made Archie feel that shemust be somebody or she couldn't look like that. Her face, too, seemedvaguely familiar. She entered the lift at the second floor where thetea-room is, and she had the contented expression of one who had tea'dto her satisfaction. She got off at the same floor as Archie, and walkedswiftly, in a lithe, pantherist way, round the bend in the corridor.Archie followed more slowly. When he reached the door of his room, thepassage was empty. He inserted the key in his door, turned it, pushedthe door open, and pocketed the key. He was about to enter when the bagagain squirmed gently in his grip.
From the days of Pandora, through the epoch of Bluebeard's wife, downto the present time, one of the chief failings of humanity has been thedisposition to open things that were better closed. It would have beensimple for Archie to have taken another step and put a door betweenhimself and the world, but there came to him the irresistible desire topeep into the bag now--not three seconds later, but now. All the wayup in the lift he had been battling with the temptation, and now hesuccumbed.
The bag was one of those simple bags with a thingummy which you press.Archie pressed it. And, as it opened, out popped the head of Peter. Hiseyes met Archie's. Over his head there seemed to be an invisible markof interrogation. His gaze was curious, but kindly. He appeared to besaying to himself, "Have I found a friend?"
Serpents, or Snakes, says the Encyclopaedia, are reptiles of the saurianclass Ophidia, characterised by an elongated, cylindrical, limbless,scaly form, and distinguished from lizards by the fact that the halves(RAMI) of the lower jaw are not solidly united at the chin, but movablyconnected by an elastic ligament. The vertebra are very numerous,gastrocentrous, and procoelous. And, of course, when they put it likethat, you can see at once that a man might spend hours with combinedentertainment and profit just looking at a snake.
Archie would no doubt have done this; but long before he had time reallyto inspect the halves (RAMI) of his new friend's lower jaw and to admireits elastic fittings, and long before the gastrocentrous and procoelouscharacter of the other's vertebrae had made any real impression onhim, a piercing scream almost at his elbow--startled him out of hisscientific reverie. A door opposite had opened, and the woman of theelevator was standing staring at him with an expression of horror andfury that went through, him like a knife. It was the expressionwhich, more than anything else, had made Mme. Brudowska what she wasprofessionally. Combined with a deep voice and a sinuous walk, itenabled her to draw down a matter of a thousand dollars per week.
Indeed, though the fact gave him little pleasure, Archie, as a matter offact, was at this moment getting about--including war-tax--two dollarsand seventy-five cents worth of the great emotional star for nothing.For, having treated him gratis to the look of horror and fury, she nowmoved towards him with the sinuous walk and spoke in the tone which sheseldom permitted herself to use before t
he curtain of act two, unlessthere was a whale of a situation that called for it in act one.
"Thief!"
It was the way she said it.
Archie staggered backwards as though he had been hit between the eyes,fell through the open door of his room, kicked it to with a flying foot,and collapsed on the bed. Peter, the snake, who had fallen on the floorwith a squashy sound, looked surprised and pained for a moment; then,being a philosopher at heart, cheered up and began hunting for fliesunder the bureau.
Indiscretions of Archie Page 7
