Indiscretions of Archie

by P. G. Wodehouse

  CHAPTER XI. SALVATORE CHOOSES THE WRONG MOMENT

  Archie reclaimed the family jewellery from its temporary home nextmorning; and, having done so, sauntered back to the Cosmopolis. Hewas surprised, on entering the lobby, to meet his father-in-law. Moresurprising still, Mr. Brewster was manifestly in a mood of extraordinarygeniality. Archie could hardly believe his eyes when the other wavedcheerily to him--nor his ears a moment later when Mr. Brewster,addressing him as "my boy," asked him how he was and mentioned that theday was a warm one.

  Obviously this jovial frame of mind must be taken advantage of; andArchie's first thought was of the downtrodden Salvatore, to the tale ofwhose wrongs he had listened so sympathetically on the previous day. Nowwas plainly the moment for the waiter to submit his grievance, beforesome ebb-tide caused the milk of human kindness to flow out of DanielBrewster. With a swift "Cheerio!" in his father-in-law's direction,Archie bounded into the grill-room. Salvatore, the hour for luncheonbeing imminent but not yet having arrived, was standing against the farwall in an attitude of thought.

  "Laddie!" cried Archie.

  "Sare?"

  "A most extraordinary thing has happened. Good old Brewster has suddenlypopped up through a trap and is out in the lobby now. And what's stillmore weird, he's apparently bucked."

  "Sare?"

  "Braced, you know. In the pink. Pleased about something. If you go tohim now with that yarn of yours, you can't fail. He'll kiss you on bothcheeks and give you his bank-roll and collar-stud. Charge along and askthe head-waiter if you can have ten minutes off."

  Salvatore vanished in search of the potentate named, and Archie returnedto the lobby to bask in the unwonted sunshine.

  "Well, well, well, what!" he said. "I thought you were at Brookport."

  "I came up this morning to meet a friend of mine," replied Mr. Brewstergenially. "Professor Binstead."

  "Don't think I know him."

  "Very interesting man," said Mr. Brewster, still with the same uncannyamiability. "He's a dabbler in a good many things--science, phrenology,antiques. I asked him to bid for me at a sale yesterday. There was alittle china figure--"

  Archie's jaw fell.

  "China figure?" he stammered feebly.

  "Yes. The companion to one you may have noticed on my mantelpieceupstairs. I have been trying to get the pair of them for years. I shouldnever have heard of this one if it had not been for that valet of mine,Parker. Very good of him to let me know of it, considering I had firedhim. Ah, here is Binstead."-He moved to greet the small, middle-agedman with the tortoiseshell-rimmed spectacles who was bustling across thelobby. "Well, Binstead, so you got it?"

  "Yes."

  "I suppose the price wasn't particularly stiff?"

  "Twenty-three hundred."

  "Twenty-three hundred!" Mr. Brewster seemed to reel in his tracks."Twenty-three HUNDRED!"

  "You gave me carte blanche."

  "Yes, but twenty-three hundred!"

  "I could have got it for a few dollars, but unfortunately I was a littlelate, and, when I arrived, some young fool had bid it up to a thousand,and he stuck to me till I finally shook him off at twenty-three hundred.Why, this is the very man! Is he a friend of yours?"

  Archie coughed.

  "More a relation than a friend, what? Son-in-law, don't you know!"

  Mr. Brewster's amiability had vanished.

  "What damned foolery have you been up to NOW?" he demanded. "Can't Imove a step without stubbing my toe on you? Why the devil did you bid?"

  "We thought it would be rather a fruity scheme. We talked it over andcame to the conclusion that it was an egg. Wanted to get hold of therummy little object, don't you know, and surprise you."

  "Who's we?"

  "Lucille and I."

  "But how did you hear of it at all?"

  "Parker, the valet-chappie, you know, wrote me a letter about it."

  "Parker! Didn't he tell you that he had told me the figure was to besold?"

  "Absolutely not!" A sudden suspicion came to Archie. He was normally aguileless young man, but even to him the extreme fishiness of the partplayed by Herbert Parker had become apparent. "I say, you know, it looksto me as if friend Parker had been having us all on a bit, what? Imean to say it was jolly old Herb, who tipped your son off--Bill, youknow--to go and bid for the thing."

  "Bill! Was Bill there?"

  "Absolutely in person! We were bidding against each other like thedickens till we managed to get together and get acquainted. And thenthis bird--this gentleman--sailed in and started to slip it across us."

  Professor Binstead chuckled--the care-free chuckle of a man who seesall those around him smitten in the pocket, while he himself remainsuntouched.

  "A very ingenious rogue, this Parker of yours, Brewster. His methodseems to have been simple but masterly. I have no doubt that either heor a confederate obtained the figure and placed it with the auctioneer,and then he ensured a good price for it by getting us all to bid againsteach other. Very ingenious!"

  Mr. Brewster struggled with his feelings. Then he seemed to overcomethem and to force himself to look on the bright side.

  "Well, anyway," he said. "I've got the pair of figures, and that's whatI wanted. Is that it in that parcel?"

  "This is it. I wouldn't trust an express company to deliver it. Supposewe go up to your room and see how the two look side by side."

  They crossed the lobby to the lift.-The cloud was still on Mr.Brewster's brow as they stepped out and made their way to his suite.Like most men who have risen from poverty to wealth by theirown exertions, Mr. Brewster objected to parting with his moneyunnecessarily, and it was plain that that twenty-three hundred dollarsstill rankled.

  Mr. Brewster unlocked the door and crossed the room. Then, suddenly, hehalted, stared, and stared again. He sprang to the bell and pressed it,then stood gurgling wordlessly.

  "Anything wrong, old bean?" queried Archie, solicitously.

  "Wrong! Wrong! It's gone!"

  "Gone?"

  "The figure!"

  The floor-waiter had manifested himself silently in answer to the bell,and was standing in the doorway.

  "Simmons!" Mr. Brewster turned to him wildly. "Has anyone been in thissuite since I went away?"

  "No, sir."

  "Nobody?"

  "Nobody except your valet, sir--Parker. He said he had come tofetch some things away. I supposed he had come from you, sir, withinstructions."

  "Get out!"

  Professor Binstead had unwrapped his parcel, and had placed the Pongoon the table. There was a weighty silence. Archie picked up the littlechina figure and balanced it on the palm of his hand. It was a smallthing, he reflected philosophically, but it had made quite a stir in theworld.

  Mr. Brewster fermented for a while without speaking.

  "So," he said, at last, in a voice trembling with self-pity, "I havebeen to all this trouble--"

  "And expense," put in Professor Binstead, gently.

  "Merely to buy back something which had been stolen from me! And, owingto your damned officiousness," he cried, turning on Archie, "I have hadto pay twenty-three hundred dollars for it! I don't know why they makesuch a fuss about Job. Job never had anything like you around!"

  "Of course," argued Archie, "he had one or two boils."

  "Boils! What are boils?"

  "Dashed sorry," murmured Archie. "Acted for the best. Meant well. Andall that sort of rot!"

  Professor Binstead's mind seemed occupied to the exclusion of all otheraspects of the affair, with the ingenuity of the absent Parker.

  "A cunning scheme!" he said. "A very cunning scheme! This man Parkermust have a brain of no low order. I should like to feel his bumps!"

  "I should like to give him some!" said the stricken Mr. Brewster. Hebreathed a deep breath. "Oh, well," he said, "situated as I am, with acrook valet and an imbecile son-in-law, I suppose I ought to bethankful that I've still got my own property, even if I have had topay twenty-three hundred dollars for the privile
ge of keeping it." Herounded on Archie, who was in a reverie. The thought of the unfortunateBill had just crossed Archie's mind. It would be many moons, manyweary moons, before Mr. Brewster would be in a suitable mood to listensympathetically to the story of love's young dream. "Give me thatfigure!"

  Archie continued to toy absently with Pongo. He was wondering nowhow best to break this sad occurrence to Lucille. It would be adisappointment for the poor girl.

  "GIVE ME THAT FIGURE!"

  Archie started violently. There was an instant in which Pongo seemed tohang suspended, like Mohammed's coffin, between heaven and earth, thenthe force of gravity asserted itself. Pongo fell with a sharp crack anddisintegrated. And as it did so there was a knock at the door, and inwalked a dark, furtive person, who to the inflamed vision of Mr. DanielBrewster looked like something connected with the executive staff of theBlack Hand. With all time at his disposal, the unfortunate Salvatore hadselected this moment for stating his case.

  "Get out!" bellowed Mr. Brewster. "I didn't ring for a waiter."

  Archie, his mind reeling beneath the catastrophe, recovered himselfsufficiently to do the honours. It was at his instigation that Salvatorewas there, and, greatly as he wished that he could have seen fit tochoose a more auspicious moment for his business chat, he felt compelledto do his best to see him through.

  "Oh, I say, half a second," he said. "You don't quite understand. Asa matter of fact, this chappie is by way of being downtrodden andoppressed and what not, and I suggested that he should get hold of youand speak a few well-chosen words. Of course, if you'd rather--someother time--"

  But Mr. Brewster was not permitted to postpone the interview. Beforehe could get his breath, Salvatore had begun to talk. He was a strong,ambidextrous talker, whom it was hard to interrupt; and it was not forsome moments that Mr. Brewster succeeded in getting a word in. When hedid, he spoke to the point. Though not a linguist, he had been ableto follow the discourse closely enough to realise that the waiter wasdissatisfied with conditions in his hotel; and Mr. Brewster, as has beenindicated, had a short way with people who criticised the Cosmopolis.

  "You're fired!" said Mr. Brewster.

  "Oh, I say!" protested Archie.

  Salvatore muttered what sounded like a passage from Dante.

  "Fired!" repeated Mr. Brewster resolutely. "And I wish to heaven," headded, eyeing his son-in-law malignantly, "I could fire you!"

  "Well," said Professor Binstead cheerfully, breaking the grim silencewhich followed this outburst, "if you will give me your cheque,Brewster, I think I will be going. Two thousand three hundred dollars.Make it open, if you will, and then I can run round the corner and cashit before lunch. That will be capital!"