by Jamie Knight
Not that I really thought he would care. He didn’t strike me as the controlling type. He just seemed to understand me so well, given that what happened on video chat was as far as I had ever really gone with indulging my submissive nature. At least, with a partner that actually knew what it was that I was doing. Leif was gentle and had known what I wanted.
Meegan was gone by the next morning, even though she had come in late the night before. I often wondered when she even slept.
I had heard rumors of medical professionals crashing in break rooms, or even in empty ward beds between shifts. One of the many reasons I would never be heard complaining about being in lockdown. I knew that it could be so much worse.
Polly was calling for me. Quiet but clear, even through the door that separated us. I went to get her up.
“What would you like for breakfast?” I asked, getting Polly into her highchair.
“Baby thakths!”
Realizing she had said “baby shakes” and not “baby cakes,” I tried to fathom how I could whip up such a concoction. Meegan had a blender, of course. She basically subsisted on a liquid diet, cooked food taking time and energy she just didn’t have.
What Leif had actually put into his special smoothie to get her to drink it down so fast, I hadn’t the foggiest. I decided to wing it, grabbing bananas and whatever fruits I could find and shoving them in the blender, hoping the result would pass Polly’s taste test.
“Yummy!” she exclaimed, declaring her approval. Rarely had I ever been so relieved.
Bellies full, we went for a walk. It was healthy for both of us - exercise for me and additions to her vocabulary for Polly. Most of the urban wildlife was pretty tame. I could only hope it would be a good long while before she had occasion to learn the word “skunk.”
I thought I was dreaming. There was no way he was actually there. Riding his bike. Dressed much the same as he had been before, except with a much less scary shirt. He smiled at us almost as though he had been expecting to see us.
“Liff!” Polly rejoiced with all her little soul.
“Fancy meeting you here,” Leif said, hopping down off his bike, remaining a good six feet back.
I had only known him for a few days, but I wanted to run to him. To hold him and kiss him and feel his warmth against me. But I didn’t.
I knew it would be a bad idea to throw myself at a guy like that in general, and it could also get us a citation from one of the patrols that had recently taken to prowling the park like lions on the savannah, pouncing on the unruly or unwary.
“Where Liff go?”
“Huh?”
I looked around, realizing Leif had disappeared. His bike was still on the grass. Only when I saw him waving from a nearby tree did I realize what was going on. My heartbeat slowed to a more regular rate.
“You’d better go find him.”
“Liff!” Polly called, toddling off in pursuit.
She was nearly around the tree before he scooted back to the front. They repeated the process, Leif always seconds ahead, before popping out and making himself known. Much to Polly’s delight; her gleeful giggling followed each reveal.
“Find Liff!” Polly declared, toddling back to me at full speed.
“Good job, baby.”
“Where are you headed?” Leif asked.
“From the park or in life?”
“Both, if you like.”
I was silent for a second, not really expecting that to be his answer, despite my flippant question. He actually seemed to be interested, which was a refreshing change.
“We were headed home. Just needed some fresh air, you know?”
“Yeah, actually. It was pretty much the same for me. I’m working from home these days, but I just needed to get out before I started climbing the walls. I love my job but there’s only so much one can take. I am but flesh and blood.”
“Can we see you again?” I asked, a bit of desperation seeping out.
“Yeah, of course. Will you be here tomorrow?” he asked.
“Yes, and at home tonight.”
“In your robe?”
He had lowered his tone so only I could hear.
“If you like.”
“I would, my pet.”
“Yes, sir,” I whispered, feeling a familiar thrill.
He grinned at me, something in his smile promising new and exciting pleasures later. I hurried home in a daze, only to realize that Polly and I weren’t alone after I had unburdened myself of the stroller and my shoes.
Meegan.
The reckoning was fast and intense. She wielded the empty wine bottle in her hand like a weapon. The fury of a raging fire glowed in her eyes. She was actually growling a little.
“Mommy!” Polly cried, hiding behind me.
“Who is he?”
“Who is who?” I blinked innocently.
“Don’t give me that crap! You downed the entire bottle! You only do that when there's a guy. Do you have a secret boyfriend?”
“Not exactly,” I said, not sure precisely what was going on with Leif. Other than that I might be starting to love him, of course.
“Give me some details,” Meegan said, calming down.
“I met a guy in the park the other day. I was walking with Polly and he passed by on his bike and we kind of just hit it off.”
I felt like her eyes were melting me into the ground. I never wished I had the money to move out more than right then. Alas, I was an unemployed single mom and that just wasn’t realistic.
“His bike,” Meegan said flatly, arching her eyebrow.
“Yeah. A really nice one, actually. We went on a picnic yesterday. He had two blankets and two baskets set six feet apart. It was really neat.”
“If only he wasn’t a bum,” Meegan snarled.
“What do you mean?”
“Oh, come on. He rides a bike, in New York?”
“Yeah.”
“Is he carrying packages while he does it?”
“Not that I saw.”
“Then he’s a bum who can’t afford a car.”
There was no point in trying to argue with her. She would always dig in deep and wouldn’t let it go until I relented.
“I guess.”
“Guess nothing. Don’t let things get too serious with this loser. You’ve already been hurt by one asshole who disappeared as soon as Polly was born.”
Ouch. She never missed an opportunity to remind me.
“I know. We’re not really in a relationship. We just talk, is all. The picnic was a fun date but there is nothing more to it.”
It wasn’t really a lie. While it was mostly due to the lockdown, we hadn’t even touched each other yet.
But still - how intense and fulfilling that video-call had been, giving me more pleasure than any previous guy had ever managed to. Even though it only really came down to a very sexy conversation. I had intentionally left this part out, along with what had happened at the underground record store, with him introducing me to his friend and protecting us from the risk-takers.
“Good, it’s best if you keep your distance, and not just because of the lockdown either. You do have a daughter to think about.” She sniffed for emphasis and slammed back into her bedroom.
I hated when she did that. Using my own kid against me as though I wasn’t acutely aware that I was a mother.
It didn’t even matter anyway. Not with Leif. By all indications, he cared about Polly, and the feeling certainly seemed to be mutual.
I tried to forget about him, though. I didn’t want to, but I also didn’t want Meegan to make fun of me or lecture me anymore. The combination of her status as both a big sister and a nurse made her absolutely insufferable when she thought she was right.
I put Polly to bed, not letting the tears flow until I got to my room. Sadly slumping inside my own space, I stripped down, getting into my robe, which always made me feel better.
I saw the record Leif had bought me at the store. I put it on the desk until I c
ould dig up my old player, wherever it might have ended up. My grandma had given it to me for my birthday years ago, some time before I could really appreciate how cool they could be.
Wonder of wonders, I actually found the thing, tucked in the back of the top shelf of my closet. After figuring out how to get it working, I put the record on, instinctively turning the volume down so I wouldn’t bother Meegan, who had always seemed to have an allergic aversion to anything cool or fun.
The music filled my head, sounding like echoed voices from the distant past, reverberating through great dark halls. I could understand, in both my mind and my bones, why Leif had chosen it for me. It was like escaping to a different realm.
I almost didn’t hear the alert. Pulling the record player’s plug from the socket, I rushed to the desk, tapping ACCEPT before my ass could hit the chair.
“Hey, pet.”
“Hi,” I said, my voice suddenly a whisper.
He did something to me where all my strength would flee, and it was like I was putty in his hands.
“Polly in bed?”
“Yeah, I put her down a while ago. I was listening to the record. The vinyl. I found my player.”
“What did you think?”
I wished so much I could have thought of something intelligent to say. How do you express such a life-changing moment?
It was like effing the ineffable. Adding insult to injury, had I been less set adrift among the metaphysical, he might not have heard what came next.
“Are you talking to that loser again? I thought you said you were done with him,” my sister’s voice hollered, loud and clear.
Leif looked like he had been punched in the stomach, though he was trying to hide it as the knife twisted.
“Leif, I—"
“I guess I’d better go,” he says.
Before I could stop him, before I could say another word, he ended the call. I looked at the paperweight I kept on my desk. Smooth and hard, made of fossilized amber.
I resisted the powerful urge to chuck it at Meegan’s head as she stood triumphant in the doorway. She smirked at me as she closed the door again.
I started writing him a message explaining that there was a misunderstanding. That I had said we weren’t together, that it wasn’t true, but that it was only to get my sister off my back, and that I wanted to talk to him. To explain everything.
I read it over before deleting it. It was all accurate, but I didn’t want Leif to have to damage his pride by talking to someone he thought wasn’t into him.
“Liff?” Polly asked when I got her out of bed.
“Sorry, baby, Leif is gone.”
“Like dada?”
“No, not at all,” I said, trying not to cry.
“Mama sad?”
“I’ll be okay, baby. How about another walk?”
“Birdie?”
“We can only hope.”
I wanted to forget about Leif. I tried pushing him out of my head, but he wouldn’t budge. I needed him so much it hurt. I had to talk to him, but it would have to be face to face. It was the only way to express how things really were.
I returned to the park for the second time today, eagerly entering what looked like the scene of Genesis. Polly’s wish was granted, with several avian friends singing their sweet tunes. We sat beneath a tree, in the warm summer sun, and waited for a man who never came.
Chapter Six
Leif
Sleep was overrated. Sure, I was fairly certain that Odin was blessing me, but I got more work done in three days than I had in the last two months. I was taking the concept of a lockdown a bit more literally than even the leaders of our government probably meant. Anything to keep from thinking about Brigid, or what she apparently thought of me. If only that were possible.
Three days of nearly solid labor, sleeping only when exhaustion overtook me, subsisting only on things I could get out of a box or a can. So focused my vision was going blurry, but there she still was. In the back of my head. Beckoning me to her. I needed to take a different tack.
I had almost forgotten what the sun was like. My heavy sunglasses were more necessary than they ever had been before. Gaining my bearings, I got on my bike and headed for the range.
The air conditioner hit like an arctic gale, chilling my bones and relieving the heat in the same instant. It was very much a mixed bag.
“What’s new, Magog?”
“The usual, please.”
Turning over my ID so the authorities could trace me should I go off, I received my lethal weapons, ready to do some damage.
“You really should have booked ahead, but there’s no one else coming in, so I’ll make an exception,” Lucy reprimanded me.
“Thanks, pal.”
“Want to talk about it?”
“It’s nothing,” I said, strapping on my quiver.
“I know you, bud. This is not nothing. You have the same look you did before you took down that tree with the sword you made in metal shop.”
“It was a misunderstanding.”
“I’ve always wondered, what part of ‘name plaque’ sounded like ‘broadsword’ to you?”
“It was a creative interpretation,” I said, checking the balance of my string.
“That ended with two cabins being crushed by a maple?”
“No one was in them,” I reminded her.
“Which is why no charges were pressed.”
“I rebuilt them.”
“Which is why they allowed you back,” Lucy pointed out.
No matter what I tried, there was just no arguing with her. Lucy had the memory of a quiz champ.
“Remember the girl I told you about?”
“Brigid?”
“Yeah, it kind of went south.”
“You really liked her, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, I did. I’ll get over it eventually, I just need to shoot something and I’m not looking for a murder change.”
The thirtieth arrow punched into the poor, besieged target, marking the last of what would have been many death blows had the bullseye been sentient. I shook my head to try and clear away the blood I half-imagined I saw running down from the big red center circle.
It won’t get any better, you know.
The wise voice in my head that counseled me in my darkest moments had finally put in an appearance.
“I fucking know that.”
You have to talk to her, boy.
“You make it sound so easy.”
It is easy. Once you have accepted your fate.
Suddenly, I had an idea. I ran out of the range so fast I almost took my long brown bow and empty quiver with me. I had to come back to toss them to Lucy. That could have been interesting if I had encountered any police in my flight.
I looked like a madman trying to take off, without the aid of petty mechanical assistance.
I hurried to a store to buy what I needed, and then I headed to the park, where I knew I would find them.
“Balloooon,” Polly wondered, her eyes going wide.
“Did you mug a clown?” Brigid asked, trying not to laugh at my red face.
“No, but I can understand why you might ask. Here you go, little one.”
I handed the balloons to Polly, who started bouncing them happily. We three watched them twist and turn in the light breeze.
“I really missed you,” I told her.
“Me too! Missed you, I mean. Thank you for coming. I thought you’d never talk to me again and I wouldn’t blame you. I just can’t get you out of my head. It’s really weird.”
“Do you want to talk?”
“Sure. From six feet away, of course,” Brigid winced.
“Fair enough.”
“My sister is awful.”
“Oh.”
“Sorry to blurt it out like that. It just makes me so mad. I was in a pretty bad relationship before. With Polly’s dad. Meegan - that’s my sister - has never let me forget it. It doesn’t help that she’s older and Polly and I are liv
ing with her because we have no money.”
“I take it that was her on the video-call.”
“Yeah.”
“I misunderstood the situation when she said you weren’t interested?” I deduced.
“Yes. For sure. That wasn’t me talking. That was her.”
“Do you want to give it another go?”
“Absolutely.”
“I really want to kiss you right now,” I confessed.
“Me too! I mean, kiss you, of course.”
“Of course. I would also really like to see you again. On the bright side, they say we might be getting out of lockdown soon.”
“Then we can kiss all we want!”
“Wherever we want.”
She blushed adorably, and I knew things were at least getting back to how they had been a few days ago.
“Would you like to meet tonight?”
“Online?”
“Yeah, my sister will be working late. I’ll be wearing my robe.”
I could see her coming from a mile away. I had been around long enough to know when a kiss was inbound. Touching her gently on the shoulders, I pushed her back.
“Not yet, pet.”
“Yes, sir.”
“I’ll see you tonight, yeah?”
“Yes, sir,” she said with a wink, implying that I might just see all of her.
Taking the handles of the stroller, she rolled Polly away, the balloons bouncing in the air as I watched Brigid nearly skipping with joy.
I shared Brigid’s enthusiasm. Even if I wasn’t able to express it in quite the same way. My own celebration involved going home and sleeping for nearly ten hours.
I was late. As sure as the sun rises in the morning. It didn’t happen often, but everyone slips up now and then. Jumping out of bed, still in my boxers, I power-ran to my laptop and dialed her number.
“Are you okay, sir?” Brigid inquired, adjusting her camera.
“Of course, my pet.”
It struck me she thought it was part of the game. That I was testing her by making her wait for me.
“Can I move now, sir?”
“Yes.”
She almost melted, every muscle in her body relaxing at once. She had been holding her position for how long? A beatific grin spread across her sweet lips.
