Tequila Mockingbird

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Tequila Mockingbird Page 7

by Tim Federle


  Trade off reading any of Shakespeare’s short sonnets aloud. After your turn, try to explain—in plain English—what the Bard was actually attempting to say. The person most obviously bullshitting must move to England and open a pub.

  Each already-tipsy participant reads a passage from The Bell Jar aloud. S/he who cries hardest must be cut off from alcohol immediately. It is suggested that the group embrace and then gently rock her/him.

  FORMULAS FOR METRIC CONVERSIONS

  Ounces to grams . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

  multiply ounces by 28.35

  Pounds to grams . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

  multiply pounds by 453.5

  Cups to liters . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

  multiply cups by .24

  Fahrenheit to centigrade . . . . . . . . . . . .

  subtract 32 from Fahrenheit, multiply by 5, and divide by 9

  METRIC EQUIVALENTS FOR VOLUME

  U.S.

  METRIC

  ⅛ tsp.

  0.6 ml

  ¼ tsp.

  1.2 ml

  ½ tsp.

  2.5 ml

  ¾ tsp.

  3.7 ml

  1 tsp.

  5 ml

  1½ tsp.

  7.4 ml

  2 tsp.

  10 ml

  1 Tbsp.

  15 ml

  1½ Tbsp.

  22 ml

  2 Tbsp. (⅛ cup)

  30 ml

  1 fl. oz

  3 Tbsp.

  45 ml

  ¼ cup

  59 ml

  2 fl. oz

  ⅓ cup

  79 ml

  ½ cup

  118 ml

  4 fl. oz

  ⅔ cup

  158 ml

  ¾ cup

  178 ml

  6 fl. oz

  1 cup

  237 ml

  8 fl. oz

  1¼ cups

  300 ml

  1½ cups

  355 ml

  1¾ cups

  425 ml

  2 cups (1 pint)

  500 ml

  16 fl. oz

  3 cups

  725 ml

  4 cups (1 quart)

  .95 liters

  32 fl. oz

  16 cups (1 gallon)

  3.8 liters

  128 fl. oz

  OVEN TEMPERATURES

  DEGREES FAHRENHEIT

  DEGREES CENTIGRADE

  BRITISH GAS MARKS

  200°

  93°

  —

  250°

  120°

  ½

  275°

  140°

  1

  300°

  150°

  2

  325°

  165°

  3

  350°

  175°

  4

  375°

  190°

  5

  400°

  200°

  6

  450°

  230°

  8

  METRIC EQUIVALENTS FOR WEIGHT

  U.S.

  METRIC

  1 oz

  28 g

  2 oz

  57 g

  3 oz

  85 g

  4 oz

  113 g

  5 oz

  142 g

  6 oz

  170 g

  7 oz

  198 g

  8 oz

  227 g

  16 oz (1 lb.)

  454 g

  2.2 lbs.

  1 kilogram

  METRIC EQUIVALENTS FOR BUTTER

  U.S.

  METRIC

  2 tsp.

  10 g

  1 Tbsp.

  15 g

  1½ Tbsp.

  22.5 g

  2 Tbsp. (1 oz)

  27 g

  3 Tbsp.

  42 g

  4 Tbsp.

  56 g

  4 oz. (1 stick)

  110 g

  8 oz. (2 sticks)

  220 g

  METRIC EQUIVALENTS FOR LENGTH

  U.S.

  METRIC

  ¼ inch

  .65 cm

  ½ inch

  1.25 cm

  1 inch

  2.50 cm

  2 inches

  5.00 cm

  3 inches

  6.00 cm

  4 inches

  8.00 cm

  5 inches

  11.00 cm

  6 inches

  15.00 cm

  7 inches

  18.00 cm

  8 inches

  20.00 cm

  9 inches

  23.00 cm

  12 inches

  30.50 cm

  15 inches

  38.00 cm

  Source: Herbst, Sharon Tyler. The Food Lover’s Companion.

  3rd ed. Hauppauge: Barron’s, 2001.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Loud, slurring thanks to my first drinkers and readers: the Federles (Andy and Marci; Dennis and Debbie; Mike and Lynne), Brian Elliot, Cheri Steinkellner, Christian Trimmer, Karen Katz, and Victoria D’amato-Moran.

  Three cheers to Josh McDonnell and Lauren Mortimer on the knockout design and illustrations throughout.

  A glass of rosé—even if we’re in public—for Brenda Bowen, agent and all-around chief.

  And ninety-nine bottles of beer off the wall for Jordana Tusman, editor and ally. Thank you for getting this book and for getting this book.

  INDEX

  A

  absinthe

  Absinthe Shrugged, 61

  The Unbearable Lightness of Peeing, 48

  Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (Twain), 60

  The Adventures of Sherbet Holmes, 101

  The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (Doyle), 101

  Alice’s Adventures in Wonder Bread, 124

  Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland (Carroll), 124

  amaretto, in A Farewell to Amaretto, 79

  Angostura bitters, 11

  A Confederacy of Ounces, 68

  Howards Blend, 28

  One Hundred Beers of Solitude, 80

  Silas Marnier, 85

  anise liqueur, in A Confederacy of Ounces, 68

  apple cider, in Fahrenheit 151, 97

  Are Your There God? It’s Me, Margarita, 49

  Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret (Blume), 49

  Atlas Shrugged (Rand), 61

  Austen, Jane, Pride and Prejudice, 18

  B

  banana, in The Wonderful Blizzard of Oz, 120

  Barrie, J. M., Peter and Wendy, 130

  Baum, L. Frank, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, 120

  beer

  One Hundred Beers of Solitude, 80

  Remembrance of Things Pabst, 37

  Berry Potter, 132

  bitters, 11

  A Confederacy of Ounces, 68

  Gin Eyre, 29

  Howards Blend, 28

  One Hundred Beers of Solitude, 80

  Silas Marnier, 85

  Vermouth the Bell Tolls, 84

  blackberry liqueur

  The Cooler Purple, 24

  Heart of Dark Mist, 76

  Bloody Carrie, 26

  blueberries

  The Adventures of Sherbet Holmes, 101

  Huckleberry Sin, 60

  The Last of the Mojitos, 69

  Blue Curaçao, in Moby-Drink, 64

  Blume, Judy, Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret, 49

  bourbon

  A Midsummer Night’s Beam, 34

  Romeo and Julep, 40

  brandy

  Decline and Fall Down, 56

  Gone with the Wine, 98

  Howards Blend, 28

  The Joy Luck Club Soda, 105

  The S(ide)carlet Letter, 42

  Brave New Swirled, 21

  Brave New World (Huxley), 21

  Bridget Jones’s Daiquiri, 39

  Bridget Jones’s Diary (Fielding), 39
<
br />   Brontë, Jane, Jane Eyre, 29

  butterscotch liqueur, in The Malted Falcon, 88

  C

  Cain, James M., The Postman Always Rings Twice, 36

  Carrie (King), 26

  Carroll, Lewis, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, 124

  The Catcher in the Rye (Salinger), 99

  Cervantes, Miguel de, Don Quixote, 133

  Champagne

  The Adventures of Sherbet Holmes, 101

  Bridget Jones’s Daiquiri, 39

  A Cocktail of Two Cities, 22

  The Count of Monte Cristal, 63

  Ethan Pom, 16

  Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Dahl), 108

  Charlie and the Chocolate Fake-tini, 108

  cheese

  Alice’s Adventures in Wonder Bread, 124

  Pizza and Wendy, 130

  cherry juice, in The S(ide)carlet Letter, 42

  Cherry Poppins, 116

  chocolate, in Charlie and the Chocolate Fake-Tini, 108

  A Cocktail of Two Cities, 22

  coconut cream, in The Wonderful Blizzard of Oz, 120

  coconut rum, in Lord of the Mai-Tais, 72

  coffee liqueur

  Crime and Punish-Mint, 55

  Love in the Time of Kahlúa, 19

  Coleridge, Samuel Taylor, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, 71

  The Color Purple (Walker), 24

  Comfort, Alex, The Joy of Sex, 32

  A Confederacy of Dunces (Toole), 68

  A Confederacy of Ounces, 68

  Conrad, Joseph

  Heart of Darkness, 76

  Lord Jim, 92

  The Cooler Purple, 24

  Cooper, James Fenimore, The

  Last of the Mohicans, 69

  The Count of Monte Cristal, 63

  The Count of Monte Cristo (Dumas), 63

  cranberry juice

  Fahrenheit 151, 97

  Gulp-Iver’s Travels, 66

  Lord of the Mai-Tais, 72

  One Flew Over the Cosmo’s Nest, 15

  Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea Breeze, 90

  crème de cassis, in The Sound and the Slurry, 93

  crème de menthe, in Crime and Punish-Mint, 55

  Crime and Punishment (Dostoyevsky), 55

  Crime and Punish-Mint, 55

  Curaçao, Blue, in Moby-Drink, 64

  D

  Dahl, Roald, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, 108

  Decline and Fall Down, 56

  Decline and Fall (Waugh), 56

  decorating drinks, 8

  The Deviled Egg Wears Prada, 125

  The Devil Wears Prada (Weisberger), 125

  Dickens, Charles

  Oliver Twist, 127

  A Tale of Two Cities, 22

  Don Quixote (Cervantes), 133

  Dostoyevsky, Fyodor, Crime and Punishment, 55

  Doyle, Sir Arthur Conan, The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, 101

  Drankenstein, 58

  drinking games, 134–35

  Dumas, Alexandre, The Count of Monte Cristo, 63

  E

  eggs, in The Deviled Egg Wears Prada, 125

  elderflower liqueur, in The Count of Monte Cristal, 63

  Eliot, George, Silas Marner, 85

  equipment, 6

  espresso, in Frangelico and Zooey, 25

  Ethan Frome (Wharton), 16

  Ethan Pom, 16

  F

  Fahrenheit 151, 97

  Fahrenheit 451 (Bradbury), 97

  A Farewell to Amaretto, 79

  A Farewell to Arms (Hemingway), 79

  Faulkner, William, The Sound and the Fury, 93

  Fear of Flying (Jong), 128

  Fear of Frying, 128

  Fielding, Helen, Bridget Jones’s Diary, 39

  flavorings, 11

  Forster, E. M., Howards End, 28

  For Whom the Bell Tolls (Hemingway), 84

  Frangelico and Zooey, 25

  Frankenstein (Shelley), 58

  Franny and Zooey (Salinger), 25

  G

  Galliano liqueur, in The Yellow Wallbanger, 47

  games, 134–35

  garnishes, 8

  Gilman, Charlotte Perkins, “The Yellow Wallpaper,” 47

  gin

  A Cocktail of Two Cities, 22

  Gin Eyre, 29

  Heart of Dark Mist, 76

  The Lime of the Ancient Mariner, 71

  The Portrait of a Pink Lady, 104

  The Sound and the Slurry, 93

  ginger, in Pat the Tummy, 119

  ginger beer, in The Rye in the Catcher, 99

  glassware, 4

  Golding, William, Lord of the Flies, 72

  Goldschläger, in Silas Marnier, 85

  Gone with the Wind (Mitchell), 98

  Gone with the Wine, 98

  Grand Marnier, in Silas Marnier, 85

  grapefruit juice

  Gulp-iver’s Travels, 66

  The Lime of the Ancient Mariner, 71

  Rye and Prejudice, 18

  Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea Breeze, 90

  grenadine syrup, 11

  Ethan Pom, 16

  Lord of the Mai-Tais, 72

  to make, 11

  The Portrait of a Pink Lady, 104

  Gulliver’s Travels (Swift), 66

  Gulp-iver’s Travels, 66

  H

  Hammett, Dashiell, The Maltese Falcon, 88

  Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (Rowling), 132

  Hawthorne, Nathaniel, The Scarlet Letter, 42

  hazelnut liqueur, in Frangelico and Zooey, 25

  Heart of Dark Mist, 76

  Heart of Darkness (Conrad), 76

  Hemingway, Ernest

  A Farewell to Arms, 79

  For Whom the Bell Tolls, 84

  The Old Man and the Sea, 87

  Howards Blend, 28

  Howards End (Forster), 28

  Huckleberry Sin, 60

  hummus, in The Deviled Egg Wears Prada, 125

  Huxley, Aldous, Brave New World, 21

  I

  I Know This Much Is True (Lamb), 129

  I Know This Munch Is True, 129

  Infinite Jest (Wallace), 74

  Infinite Zest, 74

  Irving, Washington, Rip Van Winkle, 114

  James, Henry

  The Portrait of a Lady, 104

  The Turn of the Screw, 50

  Jane Eyre (Brontë), 29

  Jong, Erica, Fear of Flying, 128

  The Joy Luck Club Soda, 105

  The Joy Luck Club (Tan), 105

  The Joy of Sex (Comfort), 32

  The Joy of Sex on the Beach, 32

  Julius Caesar (Shakespeare), 82

  Juster, Norton, The Phantom Tollbooth, 112

  K

  kale, in Fear of Frying, 128

  Kesey, Ken, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, 15

  King, Stephen, Carrie, 26

  Kundera, Milan, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, 48

  Kunhardt, Dorothy, Pat the Bunny, 119

  L

  Lamb, Wally, I Know This Much Is True, 129

  The Last of the Mohicans (Cooper), 69

  The Last of the Mojitos, 69

  Lee, Harper, To Kill a Mockingbird, 45

  lemonade

  One Hundred Beers of Solitude, 80

  Pear the Wild Things Are, 110

  The Pitcher of Dorian Grey Goose, 102

  The Portrait of a Pink Lady, 104

  The Lime of the Ancient Mariner, 71

  limoncello, in Infinite Zest, 74

  liqueurs, 10

  London, Jack, White Fang, 118

  Lord Jim (Conrad), 92

  Lord of the Flies (Golding), 72

  Lord of the Mai-Tais, 72

  Lord Pimm, 92

  Love in the Time of Cholera (Márquez), 19

  Love in the Time of Kahlúa, 19

  The Malted Falcon, 88

  The Maltese Falcon (Hammett), 88

  Márquez, Gabriel García

&nb
sp; Love in the Time of Cholera, 19

  One Hundred Years of Solitude, 19

  Mary Poppins (Travers), 116

  Maugham, W. Somerset, The Moon and Sixpence, 77

  melon liqueur

  Brave New Swirled, 21

  Drankenstein, 58

  Melville, Herman, Moby-Dick, 64

  A Midsummer Night’s Beam, 34

  A Midsummer Night’s Dream (Shakespeare), 34

  Milton, John, Paradise Lost, 31

  mint

  Gin Eyre, 29

  The Last of the Mojitos, 69

  A Midsummer Night’s Beam, 34

  The Pitcher of Dorian Grey Goose, 102

  Romeo and Julep, 40

  Mitchell, Margaret, Gone with the Wind, 98

  Moby-Dick (Melville), 64

  Moby-Drink, 64

  The Moon and Sixpence (Maugham), 77

  The Moonshine and Sixpence, 77

  mushrooms, in Alice’s Adventures in Wonder Bread, 124

  N

  nonalcoholic drinks

  Charlie and the Chocolate Fake-Tini, 108

  Cherry Poppins, 116

  Pat the Tummy, 119

  Pear the Wild Things Are, 110

  The Phantom Tolljuice, 112

  Rip Van Drinkle, 114

  White Tang, 118

  The Wonderful Blizzard of Oz, 120

  nuts, in I Know This Munch Is True, 129

  O

  The Old Man and the Seagram’s, 87

  The Old Man and the Sea (Hemingway), 87

  Oliver Twist (Dickens), 127

  Olives ’n’ Twist, 127

  One Flew Over the Cosmo’s Nest, 15

  One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (Kesey), 15

 

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