by P. D. Cacek
Never diaries, but the sketchpad with pencil drawings of Carly was always in the same corner of her desk and the cheap school journal filled with the love poems dedicated to ‘My Own Lovely Miss C’ was right in the bookshelf where anyone could have picked it up and read it.
Secrets were hidden, so no one ever paid attention to things that weren’t.
Things like the boy genius’s assortment of jars and vials and bottles he used for his ‘experiments’. Jessie could only wonder what sort of experiments Curtis had been into, but when he first picked up one of the small nondescript amber bottles and opened it, the fumes that leaked out smelled like old piss.
Jessie had found an identical bottle that still had a plastic security cap.
Amber was the perfect color. Unless someone held it up to the light, the little orange pills were all but invisible.
Jessie uncapped the bottle and dropped in the pill, then gave it a little shake. The bottle was almost full. Whatever the dosage per pill, their combined strength should be more than enough to turn his brain to mush. No room at the inn after that, boys and girls.
Maybe instead of a suicide note he’d hang a CONDEMNED, NOT FIT FOR HABITATION sign around his neck. He did feel a little guilty about lying to Millie every time she asked him if he still thought about harming himself. A few times he wanted to tell her the truth, but what would that do except get him consigned to a rubber room for the rest of his new life?
In a little while it would all be over and the Steinars could have a water ice in his memory.
“One body, one soul,” Jessie said and began to pour out the pills when a massive burp deposited a glob of sweet-and-sour chicken in the back of his throat. Jessie swallowed and felt it slide back to where it belonged. Not a good sign. If he took the pills now and vomited everything back up, it’d be a one-way trip back to the hospital.
Or designated nut house.
Jessie tipped the pills back in, recapped the bottle and put it back on the shelf before walking across the room to the computer. He’d let his stomach settle over a few games of solitaire or mahjong and then….
A soft ding sounded when the computer booted up.
He, or rather ‘Curtis’, had an email.
Jessie opened it and felt the Chinese food sink lower in his stomach.
It was from Abbie’s Facebook account.
Thank you for your kind words, they meant a lot. I’m sure Jessie is watching. ☺
Smiley face?
Jessie brought up his/Curtis’s Facebook page and clicked on the illuminated notification icon. Abbie had changed her profile picture. Instead of Abbie in her rah-rah cheer captain outfit, the picture showed the two of them at the U.C.U.A. Youth Camp in Estes Park the previous summer. They were standing knee-deep in water with fishing poles in their hands, half-turned – Abbie to the left, Jessica Faith to the right – toward the camera and smiling.
Abbie had been wearing a giant sunhat with the words Swear, I’m not a Vampire written across the brim and she’d had on her ‘lucky’ Rockies baseball cap. Their father had taken the picture.
Jessie clicked on the message box and began writing.
Saw the new profile picture. Great summer. Good memory.
Enter.
A set of rolling zeros appeared below the message. Abbie was online and had seen it.
Hi, Curtis. It was. Were you at camp?
Jessie’s fingers hovered over the keyboard; he hadn’t expected her to answer. They were halfway across the country from one another, in two different time zones, and she was sitting at her desk and saying hello to a dead boy.
Jessie hit three keys. Enter.
yes
°°°°°°
°°°°°° Just checked out your FB page. Wow, you’re Albert Einstein? Cool! ☺
Jessie read some of the comments beneath the picture of them and took a deep breath. There were fewer sympathy and condolence comments, more about school and the renovations to the old shopping mall, but hell, it’d been a couple months after all and life goes on.
Even when it shouldn’t.
Jessie’s fingers moved across the keys: hah hah no.
°°°°°° Ok, well. Nice chatting with you. ’Bye.
Right. Say goodbye. This is your chance, you never got to say it before. Just say goodbye.
Jessie took a deep breath.
’Bye, Abba-dabba
And hit Enter just as the Mrs. knocked and walked into the room.
Jessie minimized the screen but not before he saw another line of rolling O’s begin under his last message.
°°°°°°Je—
* * *
Arvada, Colorado
He should have knocked or cleared his throat or done something to let her know he was about to come in, but her bedroom door was partially open so he hadn’t thought it necessary. If it had been closed that would have been entirely different. She was a young woman and young women needed their privacy.
But the door was open and he’d heard music playing and…he just didn’t think.
She was on her computer but jumped up so suddenly when he walked in her desk chair tipped over. “Dad!”
If she’d been his son instead of his daughter Jess would have thought there would have been porn on the screen, and it shamed him a bit when he looked and felt relieved when he saw she was on Facebook.
Until he noticed her profile picture.
He remembered when he took it. It was just before Jessica…no Abigail…no – why couldn’t he remember which one? – caught a fingerling brook trout. He’d wanted to take a picture but Abigail…no, Jessica…Jessica had caught the fish…said she’d die of embarrassment if he did.
That had been almost a year ago to the day.
Jess looked away as Abigail picked up her chair and sat down, then very casually minimized the screen. The picture of a smiling kitten took its place.
“I should have knocked, I’m sorry I scared you, I didn’t mean to.”
She nodded and looked at the kitten. “I know. I’m okay. I just didn’t hear you. I was just…you know…on the computer. And I’m sorry I yelled like that.”
“You have nothing to apologize for. I shouldn’t have just walked in like that.” Jess tipped his head toward the computer. “Is everything okay?”
“What?” She glanced at him then back to the screen. “Yeah, it’s just one of my friends goofing around.”
“Anyone I know?”
She shrugged.
Ah.
Suddenly it all made sense and Jess felt even worse about barging in. Abigail had been e-chatting with a boy, a new one, someone Jess didn’t know, and he’d walked in on it. If he didn’t think it would have embarrassed her more, he would have told her that she’d done nothing wrong; it was perfectly natural for her to talk to boys…unless she thought it would upset him because it was still too soon.
Dear God, had it only been two months?
“You know it’s okay to talk to friends and have fun, right?”
She nodded. “I know.”
“So, if you want to go out or see anyone, that’s fine. You know the rules and I trust you. And Jessica wouldn’t want you to—”
“I know, Dad. Okay.”
Her tone told him more than the interruption. She might be thinking about resuming her social life, but Abigail wasn’t ready to talk to him about it. Girls didn’t talk to their fathers about things like this; they talked to their mothers.
Or sisters.
And she had neither.
“Okay. Dinner in twenty. I need to get to the meeting a little early tonight.”
“Okay.”
Jess closed the door as he left. Next time he would definitely knock.
* * *
Phoenixville, Pennsylvania
Jessie?
&n
bsp; Jessie ignored the voice and swiveled the chair slowly back and forth, remembering he was supposed to be drugged. The Mrs. smiled at him.
“Are you ready for dessert?”
Jessie.
Jessie glanced at the bedside clock (time: white). It’d only been three-quarters of an hour. Maybe he’d done something or said something or hadn’t acted stoned enough that made them suspicious. If he’d just waited until his dinner settled and hadn’t decided to play some stupid mind game with Abbie the Mrs. might have walked in and…. No, he wouldn’t be dead, there hadn’t been enough time. He’d probably only be unconscious and one good stomach pump would take care of that.
Jessie.
Jessie patted his stomach and forced another burp. That was another thing he hadn’t been able to do before. Male bodies just seemed more adept when it came to certain bodily manifestations.
“Maybe in a while? I’m still kinda full.”
The Mrs. frowned as she walked across the room and into his personal space. She wasn’t a tall woman, barely coming up to his shoulder when they stood side by side, but standing that way, looking down, she loomed over Jessie like a mountain ready to fall.
Jessie?
“Are you okay?” The Mrs. pressed her palm to his forehead. “Do you feel sick? What’s wrong?”
It took all of Jessie’s self-control not to grab the woman’s hand and pull it away. But that would have caused bigger problems than he already had, so he sat there and let her play mother.
JESSIE!
He flinched and quickly covered it with a yawn. “I’m okay. I was just…working.”
The Mrs. moved her hand from his cheek to her throat and looked at the screen he’d forgotten to minimize. Shit. Where was that damned pixelated coyote when you needed him?
“That didn’t look like work.” She leaned in closer. “Who’s Abigail Hope—?”
Jessie closed the page. “Nobody.”
“You know that’s a lie. Curtis never lied to me. Tell me who it is, Jessie, and tell me right now.”
Jessie!
Think.
“Did you hear me, Jessie?”
JESSIE!
Jessie took a deep breath. Give me a minute, Abbie.
…… oh God……
“Jessie, I want an answer and I want it n—”
“I don’t know who she is. It’s one of Curtis’s friends, I guess. I was just looking around and found his Facebook page and….” He forced a yawn so large Jessie heard his cheeks crack. Ow. “He had a lot of friends.”
The Mrs. backed up and smiled as the low hum of psychic white noise filled his head. The connection was open but on hold. He’d almost forgotten what it felt like to not be alone.
“Well, of course he had friends, lots of friends, but do you remember what I asked you to do?”
Jessie nodded. “She thinks I’m Curtis.” Well, she did.
“Good. Thank you. Take all the time you need. We’ll be ready whenever you are.”
Jessie had no idea what Curtis, the genius, was like when he owned the body, but just the thought that he’d had friends, including a (gasp) girl, had made his mother almost giddy.
“Just take your time,” the Mrs. said again. “And say hello to all his friends for me.”
Jessie nodded and gave her a parting yawn – what kind of a dweeb were you, Curtis? – as he turned back to the computer. The white noise inside his head had become words.
Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.
Abbie.
Jessie. I knew it. I heard you scream. You’re a…. You are one, aren’t you? A Traveler. But it’s okay, really it is.
Sure it is.
Jessie got to his feet and tipped forward as his stomach contracted. He was going to be sick. No, it felt like he’d already been sick and someone had shoved it back down his throat after lighting it on fire. He was supposed to tell her and she was supposed to scream and damn him and curse him and denounce him for the abomination he became.
She was not supposed to use words like it’s okay. It wasn’t okay! It was anything but okay!
Jessie? Did you hear me?
I heard you. How can you say that? I’m an abomination! An imposter!
You’re my sister. I love you.
Jessie sat down before his legs gave out from under him and started to laugh. The voice inside his head hadn’t changed. It didn’t need to try and speak through a damaged set of vocal cords. It was still Jessica Faith’s voice.
Jessie stopped laughing and covered his mouth. I’m not.
Yes, you are, no matter what. Jessie, please. Where are you?
This Old Man…
Knock it off!
…he had ten…
I MEAN it!
…he thought he died but came back again.
Jessie, get on Skype.
Jessie lowered his hand. No.
I need to see you.
It’s not me, Abbie.
You know what I mean. Please.
Fine. If that’s what Abbie wanted, that’s what Abbie would get. Taking a deep breath, Jessie Googled the Skype site and began the process of logging in. It was one more thing Curtis had never been interested in. No wonder his mother had been overjoyed to think he actually had friends.
It took even less time for Jessie to download Skype and create an account in Curtis’s name than it had to set up his new Facebook account. When the screen popped up he saw that Abbie was already on and waiting to accept his call.
Jessie moved the cursor arrow over the ringing phone icon.
Last chance, Abbs.
I’m ready.
I don’t think so.
Jessie clicked the mouse and for a moment, just a moment before shock drained the color from his sister’s face, it was like looking into a mirror again.
“Abigail Hope Pathway,” Jessie said, “I’d like you to meet Curtis Allan Steinar.”
“You’re a…you’re a….”
Jessie didn’t go for the obvious. “Handsome devil? Yeah, I think so too.”
The computer had great resolution; Jessie could see the blush returning his sister’s natural rosy glow, especially across the nose and cheeks.
“I guess I thought…. Is it really you?”
Who else would it be, Abba-dabba?
The blush faded. They’d given each other secret inside nicknames so long ago Jessie couldn’t remember when it first started. Abba-dabba and Jessy-wessy: the epitome of childish sophistication. They’d never told their names to anyone else or said them out loud. They never had to.
“God.”
It was a good start, Abbie invoking the name of God, so Jessie took a deep breath and waited. He wasn’t exactly sure what was coming and he couldn’t even make himself guess. They weren’t sisters anymore; they weren’t anything to each other anymore. Abbie’s sister was dead and buried and the thing sitting at the computer and talking to her via Skype was a stranger. An Imp Pinocchio pretending to be a real boy.
Jessie cleared his throat. “Go on. Say it.”
Abbie licked her lips. “Say what?”
“Oh, I don’t know…. Begone, foul spirit? Freak….” Jessie felt his lips tighten. “Freak’s a good one, go on, say it.” Abbie shook her head. “Well, say something. You wanted to talk, right? Talk.”
“Okay. What’s wrong with your voice? I thought Travelers were supposed to, you know, sound the same…I mean, sound like….”
“Curtis Allan tried to off himself.” Jessie mimed wrapping a rope around his neck and pulling it tight. “I was better at it than he was.”
“It wasn’t an accident?”
Jessie shook his head.
“God, Jessie, why?”
Does it matter?
It’s weird to hear your voice. Abbie touched her fore
head.
“You should hear it from this side. So…have you had a good enough look at the freak?”
Jessie grabbed the edge of the desk and leaned forward until his face, Curtis’s face, filled the screen. “Can I go now?”
Jessie leaned back in the chair. Abbie’s eyes never left his face.
“Just tell me why, Jessie?”
“Why I’m like this?” He pretended to think for a moment. “Because it’s punishment for my sins, why else? And while we’re on the subject, why the hell aren’t you…hysterical or something? It’s not every day your sis…sibling turns into a monster.”
“You’re not a monster, Jessie.”
Jessie pushed the chair back from the desk and extended his arms so she could get a better view. “What else would you call this?”
He lowered his arms and scooted the chair back in, looking out the window next to the desk. The sky had darkened to a deep purple. In Colorado the sky would still be a pale blue, the sun just beginning to disappear behind the Front Range. Different skies, different time zones, different lives.
“Look, I gotta go. I just wanted to say—”
“No.”
Jessie looked back at the screen. Tears glistened in Abbie’s eyes, but they didn’t fall.
“I’m not going to let you say goodbye so you can kill yourself again.”
Jessie felt the blood drain from his face and wondered if it had gone as pale as Abbie’s had been. “What?”
“I know you, Jessie, we’re the same inside.”
“Not anymore.” Jessie reached out and broke the connection.
TURN IT BACK ON!
Jessie stared at the blank screen.
TURN IT ON OR I’LL TELL DAD YOU’RE ALIVE!
Jessie’s hand was shaking when he reconnected. “Don’t. Please.”
It was almost like looking in a mirror again, except Abbie was angry and Jessie was afraid.
“You wouldn’t really tell him, would you?”
Abbie stared at him through the screen but didn’t say or think anything.
Abbs, please.
I won’t if you promise me you won’t do anything.
