“I’ve just gotta tell you, when I looked at those babies on the ultrasound today, I thought my heart was gonna explode. I’ve never loved anything more than I love them. I’d never do anything to jeopardize their safety.”
His words were exactly what she wanted to hear. What she needed to hear. She had no doubt that he meant them, just like she’d meant it when she’d said she was letting go of her fear. Somehow she had to stop being afraid that everything Devin said would disappear like dust in the arena.
Somehow she had to learn to believe him again.
Chapter Twelve
Devin paced in the living room and looked at his watch for the fourteenth time. “We’re gonna miss the class if she doesn’t hurry. What is she doing in there?”
Tanner looked up from the book he was reading. “Trust me. That’s not a question you want to ask.”
Devin sucked in a breath, willed himself to be patient and started pacing again. He’d made the reservations for the class two weeks ago when they’d gotten the flier in the mail. She’d agreed to try.
“You’re gonna make a hole in the rug with all that tromping back and forth.” This time Tanner didn’t even look up from his book.
Devin didn’t bother answering, just “tromped” back to the opening where the hallway led to the bedroom. “Lacey? We’ve got to leave or we’re going to be late.”
The bedroom door opened and she stepped out wearing cropped jeans, a flowy shirt and flip-flops. “You try getting dressed with a beach ball for a belly and then we’ll talk.”
He wasn’t going to give her a chance to back out now. “Makes sense to me. Come on, let’s go.”
Her steps slowed. “I just want to get something to eat before we leave.”
“I packed you a sandwich. It’s right here.” He scooped up a brown bag that held a sandwich and a bag of chips.
“Oh.” She frowned. “I’m going to need...”
“Water?” He picked up an insulated mug. “Right here. Ready to go now?”
“I guess so.” Picking up her bag, she followed him out the door.
Devin made the drive to the hospital in a record twenty-four minutes, which he figured was a good practice run for their actual drive to the hospital when Lacey went into labor.
Whipping into the parking lot, he slid into a parking spot. His hand was on the door handle when he looked over at Lacey. “Awesome. We made it with a minute to spare. Let’s go...”
The words died on his lips as he looked—really looked—at her. Her hand was clenched around the seat belt, her knuckles white with tension. “Lace? You okay?”
She didn’t look at him, just stared straight ahead, giving a quick shake of the head, so small he might’ve missed it if he hadn’t been watching closely.
As her breaths came in quick harsh gasps, he realized she was having a panic attack. Stretching until he could reach the lunch he’d made for her, he dumped the sandwich and chips onto the floor of the truck and handed the empty bag to her. “Breathe into this. Okay?”
Lacey still didn’t answer him, but she took the bag and placed it around her lips, closing her eyes.
He’d messed up. He should’ve believed her when she said she couldn’t do this. This wasn’t just regular nerves. Her fear was a living, breathing thing, and whether he knew the reason or not, he knew there was one. He put the keys back into the ignition and started the car, pulling out of the parking lot as quickly as he’d pulled in.
For ten minutes or so, he just drove, letting her fear ebb away and her breathing settle. When she removed the bag and let her head drop against the headrest, he knew she’d gotten through the worst of it.
He spotted an ice cream shop up ahead in a small strip of stores and he pulled up out front. “Let’s get some ice cream.”
Lacey opened her eyes. “I really just want to go back to the farm.”
“So, hear me out and if you still want to go back, I promise I will listen.”
She lifted her hands in surrender. “Okay, fine.”
“We haven’t been on a date. Like, ever, honestly. I want to buy you some ice cream and walk around the park across the street. No agenda, just you and me.”
She didn’t exactly smile, but her mouth tilted up a smidge. “That actually sounds kind of nice.”
“Cool. I could really go for some rocky road. But only if it has actual marshmallows in it. None of that fake marshmallow-ribbon trash.”
“I forgot how opinionated you are about ice cream. Maybe I need to rethink this.”
“Don’t you dare.” He grinned and opened the door, grabbing his cane, wishing like crazy he didn’t have to.
“I want a double scoop of strawberry.”
When he raised an eyebrow, she nudged him with her elbow, laughing when he had to hop to maintain his balance. “You deserved that. Two babies, two scoops. The end.”
A few minutes later, they were back on the sidewalk with dripping cones. They didn’t talk much, just walked along, eating their ice cream, looking in the windows of the little shops. Devin pointed to a birdhouse in one of the stores. “I bet we could make something like that to sell at the farm stand.”
When they passed a jewelry shop, he stopped again, his attention caught by a display of shiny hand-stamped bangles in the window. “Want to go in?”
“I’ve got to finish my ice cream, but if you want to, go ahead. I’ll come in a minute.”
He pushed open the door to the store, glancing back to make sure Lacey was still occupied.
“Can I help you?” A woman with long straight blond hair walked toward him.
“Yes. I want one of those bangles with the letters. Like the ones in the window.” When she pointed out a display by the register, he picked up the bracelet that had caught his eye. “This one.”
He handed her the bracelet and his debit card. A few minutes later, Devin opened the door and stepped outside just as Lacey was finishing up her ice cream and dabbing at her shirt with a napkin. She looked up with a laugh. “I think I got more onto my stomach than I got into my stomach. What did you get?”
“You feel like sitting in the park for a minute?”
“Sure.” It was so normal—to grab her hand as they crossed the street. He wanted more moments like this when they were just a couple out on a date, when they could relax and just be together.
Devin led Lacey to a bench. Laughter and squeals—and the occasional wail—filtered through from the playground. Parents stood around, some of them still in suits and work clothes, watching as their kids ran out some energy.
“I saw something in the window and thought of you.” He handed her the bag, feeling butterflies in his stomach like maybe he’d crossed a line that they weren’t ready to cross.
She pulled out the bracelet he’d bought. Her eyes darted to his. She pressed her lips together and once again he worried that he’d made a mistake.
It wasn’t anything fancy, just shiny gold-tone brass, but it had the letters MAMA stamped on it. She held it in her fingers, just looking at the word. A tear splashed onto the tissue paper it had been wrapped in.
His eyes widened. “It’s okay if you don’t want to wear it. It was just an impulse buy.”
She lunged toward him, wrapping her arms around his neck, their babies between them. With a sigh, he closed his arms around her.
* * *
Lacey buried her face in Devin’s shoulder. He was just so sweet. In all the anger and angst and absurdity of their situation, she’d forgotten how thoughtful he could be. She sat back, sliding the bracelet on her wrist.
“You’re gonna be a great mom, Lacey.”
“I love it, Devin.” When she looked down at it, she wanted to cry all over again. “I know you don’t understand my deal with the hospital.”
“No, but I’m not judging. I know you. You’re one of the bravest pe
ople I know. If you’re scared of something, I know you have a good reason.”
“It’s hard to talk about. I’ve—I’ve never told anyone.”
“You can tell me when you’re ready, Lacey. It doesn’t have to be now.”
“I know. And that you trust me without knowing the story just makes me want to tell you more.” She smiled, but her stomach turned with anxiety. “Did you know I broke my arm when I was five? The day I turned five, actually.”
He shook his head and she went on. “My parents had gotten me roller skates for my birthday. They gave them to me that morning before my dad went out to work on the ranch. I begged my mom all day to let me try them out, but she wanted to wait until my dad got back. She said her back was hurting.”
“That seems like it would be hard for a five-year-old to understand.”
“Oh, it was. I was so upset. I begged and cried and pleaded. Finally, she told me if I could get them on, I could go out to the garage and skate out there.”
Devin’s arm slid around her shoulders. “I don’t like where this story is going.”
He had no idea. Really no idea.
In her mind, she could see her feet with the shiny white skates and the tangled-up laces. Her five-year-old self had imagined that she would skim across the floor like one of the ice skaters she’d watched on TV. “You know how stubborn I am?”
He nodded. “I’m acquainted with that side of you.”
“I didn’t know how to tie shoes but I smushed them around and wadded them up and convinced myself that it was just as good as being tied. And when I pushed off the step, thinking I was going to glide on my new skates, what really happened is that the laces got tangled around the wheel and I went down hard on the concrete floor. I broke my arm in two places. It was terrible.”
She looked up to find his eyes, filled with distress and concern, on hers.
“My mom was really mad. It was what she’d been warning me about all day, but she took me to the emergency room and waited with me until they put me in a room.” She swallowed hard, the ache in her throat making it hard to talk. “By that time, I was in shock and I was scared. I begged her to stay with me, but she said she wanted some coffee. She told me she was going to the cafeteria and... She left.”
“You must have been terrified. You were so little.”
She ran her fingers across the letters that spelled mama on her bracelet. “That was the last time I saw my mom.”
“What?” His eyes went wide with shock.
With a little shrug, she told him the rest of it before she could chicken out. “I waited for hours but she never came back. They wouldn’t fix my arm without someone there to sign the papers. It seemed like forever before they finally got my dad on the phone.”
“That’s a horrible thing to do to a little kid.” He shook his head. “I’m so sorry, Lacey.”
His words loosened something for that little five-year-old who had been so scared and sad. “I thought it was my fault because I wouldn’t leave her alone about the skates. Now I know there was nothing I could have done to stop her. If it hadn’t been the skates, it would’ve been something else.”
“It was not your fault.” He said it so vehemently that she had to laugh a little.
“I don’t know where she is now. My dad got divorce papers in the mail a few months later. Sometimes I would look for her face in the stands when I was racing. It’s silly. I don’t really even remember what she looked like.”
“It’s not silly. She was your mom and she should’ve been there. That’s on her.”
“I do know that much.” She shrugged. “And I know rationally that I shouldn’t be afraid of the hospital. I’ve tried so many times to just walk through that door without a thought, but every time I freeze up. Or worse, have a panic attack like I did tonight.”
“I’m so sorry I didn’t know. I wouldn’t have pressured you to take that ridiculous class.”
“I want to take the class. That’s the part that makes me so frustrated.”
“You do?” He went quiet for a minute, watching as the parents on the playground called their kids to go. The sun was sinking in the sky and, even on a summer evening, it was time for them to head home for baths and bedtime. “What if we try again? No pressure, we’ll just see how far we get.”
She had her doubts, but he seemed so hopeful. “Maybe.”
“I’ll set it up. We’ll try to go and if we don’t, we don’t. No big thing. At least we’ll be together. Deal?”
She studied his face with a million thoughts running through her mind, mostly about how it was a terrible idea to put herself through that over and over again. But she had to try because as much as she’d like to imagine that the babies would just appear when the time came, the fact was she would be giving birth in a hospital. She had to face it at some point.
She sighed, shaking her head. “Deal.”
They stood up together. Devin pulled her in for a sideways hug. “I’m so sorry I left you in Vegas. It must have felt like being abandoned all over again.”
“Yeah, it did, kind of. It brought up a lot of feelings I thought I’d gotten over.”
“I don’t deserve a second chance.”
She shook her head. “Nope. But our babies deserved a chance at a dad. And maybe I wasn’t ready to give up on us, either. I don’t know what’s going to happen, Devin. I do know that I’m glad I’ve had the chance to get to know you again.”
As they turned back toward the car, she slid her fingers into his. “How do you feel? I don’t want to pry, but I’m curious. Does being sober feel like a relief? Is it stressful? Do you ever stop thinking about it?”
They walked along in silence for a few minutes, and the sounds around them soaked into her consciousness. Cars whizzed by. Bells jingled as people entered the little shops. Live music filtered in from a nearby restaurant. But it was his hand clasping hers that felt real and present.
“It’s hard to put in words, but to answer your question, being sober is a relief. Having my addiction out in the open is a relief. The stressful part—for me anyway, but it’s probably different for everyone—is that I feel like I have so much to make up for. I broke trust with you and with my family. With my corporate sponsors. And some of that I’ll never get back.”
“Do you ever stop thinking about it?”
“My ankle reminds me. But every once in a while I forget. I go to meetings because I need to be reminded that I’m an addict and because being with other people who continue to be sober is helpful.”
“Do you think you’ll ever do drugs or drink again?” It was a loaded question, and one she desperately needed an answer to.
He was quiet. “I don’t think so. But I can only be responsible for these twenty-four hours right now. I know I’m not going to drink or take painkillers today. I’ll go to a meeting later tonight because it helps me stay sober tomorrow. Does that seem weird?”
“A little bit, but only because I haven’t experienced it.”
They got to the car and he beeped the locks open, but he didn’t say anything else. They drove home in silence. She wasn’t sure where his mind was, but she knew her mind was spinning with all the things they’d talked about tonight.
She was almost grateful for her panic attack because she felt like Devin had opened up to her in a way he never had before.
When they pulled in the driveway at the house, he put the truck in Park but he didn’t turn it off or get out. The light from the porch glinted off her bracelet. She cleared her throat. “You said I’m brave, Devin, but I need you to know that I think you’re the brave one. You live with pain every day, and despite that, you’re doing what it takes to be the person your family needs you to be. I respect that. I’m not impressed by how hot you are or how long you can stick on a bucking bronc. I’m not impressed by your gold buckle. I am impressed by how you’re tryin
g to do what’s best for you and your family.”
His breath was shaky. He looked away, but he reached for her hand again. “I don’t think I’m worthy of your respect, Lacey. I’ve got my demons to face down, just like you.”
She nodded. “You told me I didn’t have to face mine alone. Well, neither do you.”
The surprising thing was, she meant it. She’d been thinking of his battle with addiction as something he had to conquer alone. But this wasn’t some goal he’d set for himself, like sticking to the saddle longer, or pushing himself in the ring just a little further. This was real-life important.
That didn’t mean that she’d forgotten what he did or that everything was okay between them forever. But he’d been there beside her today as she’d fought her battle.
And she could be beside him as he fought his.
Chapter Thirteen
Lacey stumbled into the kitchen for her daily cup of coffee. It was getting difficult for her to sleep between the twins deciding that her sleep time was their playtime and the random contractions she assumed were Braxton Hicks.
She’d heard the guys as they got up for breakfast, but she stayed in her room. After sharing her childhood trauma with Devin last night, she felt a little tender. A little crowded, almost—not by Devin, but by her overly large emotions. Thanks, pregnancy.
When Tanner and Devin had left to do their chores, she’d drifted back to sleep and slept way longer than she intended. She had lots to bake today. But coffee came first.
After dumping enough cream in the leftover coffee to make it palatable, she slid her feet into flip-flops and walked out the front door onto the porch. The ceiling fans were on, creating a breeze, which was good because even at 10:00 a.m., the temperature was already soaring.
Nemo was standing at the edge of the ring facing the pasture, mooing for all he was worth. Then she realized Devin was up on Dolly, working her in the field as Nemo bellowed. He could get about halfway across the field toward the loud little calf before the horse would slow down. Each time Devin would gently guide her back toward the round pen.
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