Chapter 18
Tony spent most of the next week sinking in and out of a spiralling drunken stupor. The pain of his cocaine withdrawal was still biting. He scratched at the coke bugs, the phantom insects that crawled under his itching skin, and he knew even as he gulped the vodka that he was just replacing one dependence with another. By the time he had pulled himself from his latest vodka binge, his self-respect had almost entirely abandoned him. His mind had been wrestling with the sombre plan to destroy both Emily and her cottage and as a new day dawned clear and bright he found himself standing over the swift flowing Clyde on Bells Bridge. He could not remember how he had got there but as he raised his eyes towards the Auditorium, it seemed to look like a giant silver woodlouse that had taken up residence in the city. He felt its stare, terrible and menacing but through that shuddering menace, that seemed to encapsulate all his real fears, came a misguided clarity to his thoughts. He could see now that he had to go ahead with the plan. It was his last and only hope. Without thinking ahead more than one step at a time, he bought a bottle of wine. Sleeping pills are easy to get if you find a busy and compliant doctor, especially if you present with the symptoms that Tony had: depression, anxiety, sleeplessness. The pills really didn't really help Tony sleep but he still had a use for them. Back in his room he crushed enough into a fine powder to achieve the desired effect. Now that wine bottles came with screw caps it was an easy thing to dissolve his sleeping pills into the wine. He filled another bottle with a less palatable liquid... Petrol. A single bottle was not a lot of accelerant but he had no doubt that it would be enough to start the fire that his fevered brain had imagined. This was not the plan of a clear thinking rational person but that made it no less deadly in the execution.
John Mason had not been idle; he had done some research and discovered much about his target. His haunts, his current state of mind, what he was likely to do and where he was likely to go. The profession that Mason had found himself immersed in, required many disciplines. There was the physical side but also there was a psychology that Mason found came easily to him. His own psychology, the ability to separate himself from his actions was vital, but so was an understanding of his quarry. This was Mason's last job, maybe his most troubling, but nothing would be allowed to go wrong. It had taken a while, but finally he had the scent. It was just a matter of time, there was no hurry to say goodbye to a friend.
As Tony travelled on the train down to find Emily, the weather had turned to match his mood. He was careful not to search out his reflection in the carriage windows, he could not bear to look himself in the eyes any more; he knew what his reflection would reveal: a monster. Through the window the soft rain gave a melancholic atmosphere to the journey; the drops scribing a diagonal pathway down the window were like a flurry of sad tears. The bottles clinked in his bag as he was jostled by the ride but under his hooded jacket no one took any notice of the insignificant young man on his way to a reunion with his sister.
Tony rode the bus, still anonymous and invisible, from the Biddenfield train station to Hegfold. He chose not to risk being seen by a taxi driver so, constantly looking over his shoulder, he walked through the leaden dusk along the quiet hedge lined lane to the cottage. He stood for a moment in the twilight and remembered the long lost days spent there as a child, the kindness of his grandparent that he could never quite accept, the lazy afternoons in the sandy dunes. There are moments when the past has a weight so heavy that it seems you might be crushed by it.
He looked across to the silver band of the sea and sniffed the air finding a moment of peace, almost finding his sanity, but the rattle of his bottles snapped him back to the task in hand. He barely noticed the gentle rain now, little more than a drizzle which had followed him on his journey. By the time he arrived at the cottage gate the fresh country air had brought a little colour back to his cheeks and made him appear a little more human again. He stood for a moment, his heart pounding in his chest like a sprinter waiting for the crack of the starting pistol. The gate opened with a metallic squeak, as it always had, and he made his way up the path and knocked on the familiar door. He knew what lay beyond the glossy paint: a home filled with distant memories and envious desires and a sister that he was here to kill. He held fast to his determination to follow through with the mission, and avoided thinking of the distasteful consequences. His focus was held steadfastly on the money that he would ultimately receive. He went over the steps he needed to take as if he were an actor rehearsing for a difficult part. Tony was not prepared for the welcome which took the wind from his sails.
Emily had been thinking about Alexander she was studying the place in the kitchen where he had dropped the eggs in his astonishment at first seeing her. She bent down and touched the floor as if just touching the floor where he had trodden might bring him back. There was obviously no trace of the broken eggs, in fact there was no trace of Alexander anywhere in the cottage. As she turned she caught a glimpse of the shape of a man approaching through the rain. For an instant she allowed herself to believe that it was Alexander. There was a strangely conflicting mixture of disappointment and happiness as she opened the door on her lost brother.
"Tony... Oh it's so good to see you." Despite his long silent absence, she still loved him as much as she knew he loved her. Emily wrapped her arms around her brother and squeezed him so tight that Tony felt that his ribs might crack. But it was a good feeling, good beyond words. The human contact that had been missing for so long from Tony's depressing life took him by surprise and for a moment his resolve was tested.
"Come in out of the rain and get dry, you look like a drowning rat." She tried to make a joke of it but her emotions at seeing him after so long went beyond humour. The welcoming atmosphere of the cottage that he had once found cloying, now seemed to embrace him and coax a vestige of the old Tony back from the shadows. Emily tossed him a soft warm towel. He rubbed his wet hair and face, the scent of the clean towel, something so simple and normal, seemed to come from a world he had long forgotten. He took off his wet nylon jacket and placed his bag carefully down at his side. The bottles tinkled together like a siren's song, compelling yet offering no mercy.
"Mum told me you had been to see her, she's been so worried about you, and so am I darling."
She crushed him again with another fierce grip enveloping him in the softness of her plum coloured cashmere sweater.
"Steady on sister, I need these ribs for later." Emily took his hand and led him to a chair beside the hearth. Kneeling down before him, she kissed his cold fingers before letting go of her grip.
"Tea or coffee?" She asked as she headed to the kitchen.
"I've brought wine" he said.
"Let's save that for later."
"Coffee then, have you still got that wild espresso machine? I always expected it to blow up at any minute."
"Oh yes, It's still going strong, I can't start the day without an espresso, you know that."
As Emily busied herself in the kitchen, Tony found himself immersed in the palpable benevolence of the cottage and his primary reason for coming here started to feel less and less conscionable. He looked around at the cottage and wondered what right he had to destroy all this simple enchantment.
"Show me around the cottage, it's been a while since I've been here." He said. Emily shrugged her shoulders and then laughed.
"There not a lot to see and nothing much has changed but come on then." Emily gave her brother the grand tour...all two minutes. Kitchen, living room with the small added conservatory, two bedrooms and a bathroom. Small and unassuming but perfect in its simplicity. As Emily returned to the kitchen Tony found himself engaged in an internal battle. He had come here with a mission to turn this building into rubble and ash and his sister with it. When the plan had formulated itself in his mind, the morality had seemed unimportant; it was his own selfish survival that mattered. Now he found, faced with the stark reality of what he had intended to do, it no longer made any sense. He was not
that person, not really; the plan was the spawn of a moment of insanity. Whatever demons had been whispering at his ear were no match for the warm spirit of the cottage and Tony realised that he could never follow through with what his drunken mind had summoned from the depths of his depression. The realization came on him like a shaft of sunshine cutting through the clouds after a storm. He knew now that he would rather face his fate than destroy this place or harm Emily. Face to face with the flesh and blood of his loving and unsuspecting sister he now only felt shame at what he had intended to do. In that moment, Tony finally became a man, but a man who was still burdened by the fragility of his own mortality.
Emily sat on the floor at her brother's feet again, she had not realized just how much she had missed Tony and wanted to stay close to him. Something, an ephemeral shadow that passed across his face, seemed to tell her that this may be her last chance. As they drank their coffee and ate thick wedges of Madeira cake, Emily could see in her brother's eyes that he had become nervous and mistrusting, like a domestic animal returned to the wild and become feral. It was not a sudden change, in fact his whole life had been leading him down the same path. She saw in him a reflection of the distress that she was familiar with in the four legged friends that she had sometimes been able to help. Tony's problems were far more complex than those of a highly strung thoroughbred though. They were beyond Emily's gift to put right.
"Tell me what's wrong, darling. I know you haven't always appreciated my clucking round you like mother hen, but all I've ever wanted was to help you. Mum and I love you unconditionally; let us in to that locked room in there." Emily tapped her brother's forehead.
"I know, I know. God Emily I don't understand what's wrong with me, you can't imagine the thoughts I've been having."
"Tell me then."
"No I can't, I really can't... They don't deserve to see the light of day. I'm just a weak failure, falling into one trap after another, each time sinking lower."
"No Tony, that isn't true, you're my brother, I can see into your heart, you are a good person underneath that shell of armour you insist on wearing. Take the armour off Tony and let the sunlight in..."
"It's not that easy... I don't know why I'm like I am... I wish... I wish I could be normal like you."
Tony was overwhelmed and almost lost control.
"So what can I do to help you brother?" She held his cold fingers.
"Just being here with you for a while has done more than I can say. Emily I've turned away from my family for so long that I'd forgotten what love is, you've reminded me of how much all this means to me. But it's too late now... Emily I'm being hunted, unless I can get far away, I doubt I'll see my next birthday."
"Tony, no... surely it's not that bad." But the look on her brother's face told her that it probably was.
"Tony, darling where would you go?"
"South America, maybe Australia... somewhere far away, the destination hardly matters."
"You need money?"
"Mum gave me a little, I know it's all she could afford, but it's not really enough to set me up."
Emily kissed her brother on his cheek and stood. She found her zippered handbag and after rummaging around for a while returned with a credit card.
"Take this, it's got a ten thousand limit on it and it's paid up to date. The card's due to expire in two months so use it while you can; I hope it helps Tony." Emily wrote down the pin number and handed it to her brother. "If this can save your life Tony then you are welcome to every penny of it."
"Oh Emily... This is not why I came to see you.... Can you even afford to pay off that much?"
"Not in one hit but in a week or so I'll be back working... I'll pay it off in a year or two don't even think about that." Tony was overwhelmed by his sister's generosity, especially as he remembered why, in his feeble desperation, he had made the journey.
"Look, this is too much, I can't take this Emily." Emily gave her brother one of her I will not take no for an answer expressions which used to infuriate him when he was a child. They used to infuriate him but he always did what she wanted and now he found it was no different.
"I'll only take what I need, and when I'm on my feet I'll repay you I swear."
"I know Tony." She smiled at her brother and as he shyly smiled back trying to cover his shame, Emily saw their mother's eyes shining back at her from her brother's face. Those eyes had been hidden under some darkness for so long that she was shocked by the sudden recognition. This sorry figure was her brother and whatever he had done, whatever thoughts had weighed him down, she still loved him.
"Emily, now that I've got enough to get away, I really need to make a move as soon as I can. It's not safe for me to hang around. I'd like to send Mum a message, but I don't think I could hold it together to speak to her on the phone. Can I send an email from here?"
"Of course you can, but wouldn't you rather call in and see her in person. I could drive you over."
"It would be even harder to say goodbye in person and I've taken a huge risk just in coming here Emily. I can't hang around, every minute I spend down here puts me in more danger."
"What danger Tony, is it really that bad?... Look if you're saying that someone is out to... to kill you then we should call the police. We live in a civilised country, not one run by the bloody Mafia or something."
"Emily you are so much wiser than me in almost everything, I always felt under your shadow when we were growing up... But in many ways you are still so naive. Read the papers, people are murdered every day."
"You really are scarred aren't you baby?" Tony's eyes flooded with tears, he used to hate it when she called him baby it seemed so demeaning when they were teenagers, but now his sister's word of endearment was enough to melt his heart.
"I'm not scared Emily... I'm terrified out of my mind." He pulled a sleeve across his eyes and sniffed hard, embarrassed by the emotion that he had let escape.
"OK Tony, but promise me that you'll keep in touch."
"I will, as soon as I'm sorted."
Emily booted up her laptop and left Tony with his thoughts as he composed his message:
Mum,
I'm going to disappear for a while.
Don't expect to hear from me for a long time but don't worry I know I'm going to be fine now.
One day I will make you proud of me.
I love you.
Tony.
The message was simple and to the point but as Emily read it she was moved by the sentiments.
"Will that do?" He asked.
"That's perfect... And Tony, just so you know, Mum's always been proud of you. Now after all that emotion, maybe I could manage a glass of that wine."
"Actually Emily, it was just some cheap plonk. I've been drinking far too much lately to try and keep the demons at bay... In fact, I've just realised, drinking is what opens the door to them in the first place. It might be better if we didn't bother with the wine. I really must be going anyway."
"Oh Tony, will I ever see you again?"
"One day, but not for a long time. This short visit has changed me, I don't quite know how... Maybe it's the atmosphere of the cottage or your warm love, but I need to tell you what I don't think I have ever really told you before... or even quite admitted to myself, I do love you."
"I know."
The brother and sister hugged once more and as Tony strode off into the evening he felt like a different person. He was a different person; a person who had been plucked from the brink of a dark abyss.
Emily was left alone. She knew her brother had gone and, despite what he had said, she felt that it was unlikely that she would ever hold him in her arms again. The two men in her life, those that meant the most to her were now both gone. She curled up in her easy chair and allowed the sadness and the falling night to cradle her.
Tony made the long journey back to his lonely room but the despair that he had felt earlier had retreated, replaced by a real hope for the future and a realization that even
though he was on his own he would never be truly alone while he had his family. He would spend one more miserable night in the dingy room. Then he would collect his meagre possessions and head straight for the airport. As Tony slapped together a sandwich his eye was drawn to a half full bottle of vodka standing challenging him to spin off its cap. He did so... and poured the contents down the sink; he was free of another demon.
Comatose Page 42
