Three Times Torn

by Felisha Antonette

  “You ready to kill him?”

  I’m silent. I’m . . . unsure. “I don’t want him, but I don’t know if I can kill him.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me there was an issue?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You hate this right?”

  “I hate this situation with Roehl. I don’t hate you and me, and you should know that.”

  “You know you and Glen’s predicaments are not the same.”

  “I know that she was forced and I chose. But I also know you and Scott both hide and hold information from us. And make us forget things.”

  “The only things I make you forget are your dreams of Roehl, and I clear your feelings for him. That is selfish of me. But with the way you act when you realize it, or you wake up from a dream, you should be grateful I do.”

  I feel a little guilty as if I’m cheating on him. This has to be the worse for him. “How do you feel?”

  He looks at me, despair taking over expressionlessness. His right hand glides over his forehead and thrusts through his hair. He huffs once. “It’s messed up, Sparks, and I can’t do anything about it. It goes beyond just you and me. Yes, that’s not at its best right now either. I sit back with you and try to seem okay. But I’m not okay with the fact that my mate, the woman who is supposed to only be meant for me, is being enraptured in another man. And it has to be the man who has caused my family so much damage already. The only way I have to stop it is by taking it away from you, and that’s not really stopping it, ‘cause you’re still going through it. But this is every day, every night this happens. And I have to feel you enjoy it as you think about him and what you want to do with him. Feel your confusion and want shift from me to him, and most of the time he trumps me. That’s what kills me. I don’t want to lose you, Sparks. Then I have to worry about my sister. She doesn’t care, and she is more selfish, risking other’s lives to save her own. I can’t understand what has gotten into her; she was never like this.” He shifts uncomfortably, regaining the tension I’d eased. “We fix Glen and Scott, just for them to get worse. She tried to kill herself and thinks Monahan really loves her, thinks she’s in love with Monahan. Scott is ready to rip his heart out because not only has his mate chosen another man, but she actually loves him and is willing and ready to leave Scott. No, she’s left Scott. I cannot get to that level.” His words are rushed and forceful although he keeps his voice low. “I can’t become that damaged.”

  I interlock our fingers and pull him with me to my bed. Leaning against the wall, I move him to lie against me. Nathan wraps an arm around me and rubs my thigh with the other. I massage his neck and shoulder, relieving him by my touch as he comforts me with his.

  “We’ll fix it,” I assure him, listening to his sigh.

  “We will,” he confirms. “At least your parents are no longer an issue.”

  “Are you still planning to move?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  “Do you want to stay, and continue to deal with the same shit?”

  “After we take care of Roehl, it should be better, right?”

  “That’s the same thing we thought after we got rid of my father.”

  That’s true. “I’m sorry, Nathan. I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “It’s not your fault, Sparks. Don’t apologize.”

  “Is Monahan dead?” The question has been itching at me since he confirmed I had to kill Roehl.

  “No.”

  “Figures. What do we do about that?”

  “Just as you need to kill Roehl, she needs to kill him.”

  “Do you think that will happen?”

  “Not today or tomorrow.”

  I slouch further to get more comfortable. “You feel a little better?”

  “Yes, Sparks. Thank you. Do you mind clearing my head? Maybe, showing me your future of us?”

  I smile. “Yes. I can do that.” I let a familiar dream coast through my mind. One of Nathan and me, years from now; us married and in a house of our own. There are three kids, two girls and a boy who favor us without question. We sit in our backyard, overlooking a large lake-sized pond. The kids are out on a boat and our dog, a shaggy little monster drops on the ground, laying in front of Nathan and me. His fur’s drench from playing in the water and we block ourselves when he shakes off the excess. Nathan complains, and I laugh. We’re older, maybe Natalia’s age now. Nathan holds me in his old arms, kisses my cheek, and thanks me once again. And I smile; it never gets old. There’s no worry in our children, in us, in this life. It’s so real; we can smell the water and our wet dog, hear the laughing in the distance, and feel the breeze against our skin. A hallucination of which I wouldn’t dare be ashamed.

  Not short of it closing, Nathan’s dozed from the help of me running my fingers through his hair. He’s peaceful, and it feels good to comfort him for once. When the time comes, I will kill Roehl. I have to.

  Focusing on Nathan, his thoughts travel to me, fading first before I’m able to see them clearer. First, there are images of the dream I showed him, then me. I’m all over his mind, shots of me happy, sad, angry, and calm. A distant anger surges in him and sadness runs him over. It gets me down. His family sits back in his mind, fading in and out, as he’s trying to forget. More images of me push past them, blocking out the anger and sadness. It’s as he said, if I looked in his head, I’d only see me.

  I’m his coping mechanism in a way I didn’t realize.

  SOMEONE KNOCKS ON MY DOOR.

  Nathan jumps up, glaring at me, eyes red and tired. He must not have realized he’d fallen asleep. I touch his cheek and lean up to kiss him. He relaxes and indulges in my caress, pulling me down under him.

  “Hey,” I whisper.

  “Mmm.” He kisses me again. “Hi.” He matches my quiet.

  Mom knocks again. “Tracey, are you coming down for dinner?”

  “Yes, Mom. I’ll be down in a minute.”

  Her soft steps sound as she leaves from my door and heads down the stairs.

  Getting lost in Nathan’s swirling eyes, I ask, “Good sleep?”

  “Yes, thanks. I see you were up to something while I slept.”

  “Just curious.”

  “And what did you see?”

  “Me.”

  He nods, leaning down on me. “Told you.”

  “Shut up,” I joke, wrapping my legs and arms around him.

  “I’m sorry, and I love you. We’re good?”

  “Absolutely. Let’s no longer keep secrets from each other.”

  “Well then, we have a lot to talk about.” He sits up.

  I follow, eyeing him. “That scares me.”

  “Not yet.” Leaving a kiss on my cheek, he then says, “Go to dinner. Want me to come back tonight or should we break for a bit?”

  I grab his arm as he’s heading for the window. “No, I’m not ready for you to go yet. No way are we breaking. You’ve been gone from me almost two days.”

  “I know.”

  “Why?”

  “I needed to get my head together.” He moves to my front, and I reach under his shirt, pushing over his back to hug him. “It’s a lot going on. And yes, it hurts, and I don’t know how to deal with it. Remember, just like this is all new to you, it’s new to me too.”

  I didn’t think about it that way. “I see.”

  “I don’t do well with feelings—my feelings. And it’s better for you—for me—to walk away because I don’t want to end up saying something I don’t mean. Or lashing out at you for something you can’t control.”

  “I make you that upset?”

  “You don’t, but the situation does. It takes me a minute, at times, for comprehension to kick in. And I know it’s not right for me to leave you alone, but I’m always going to come back.”

  I press my face to his stomach, breathing him in. I wish things were different. Better, like before. “I guess it’s a test to our relationship.”

  “Maybe. Go, head downstairs. I�
��ll come to the door and stay around with you for a bit.”

  “Okay,” I chirp. “See you downstairs.” I leave my room and sit at the dinner table still lacking an appetite. A knock sounds against the door as I spread my napkin.

  Dad rises.

  “I’ll get it,” I say, waving for him to sit.

  “It must be Nathan,” Glen sasses.

  I ignore her, heading for the front door. If she’s going to be like this, she’s going to have to find somewhere else to sleep.

  Opening the door to Nathan, I greet, “Hey,” in mock surprise.

  “Wassup?”

  “Getting ready to eat. Want to join?”

  He closes the door behind him. “Where’re your parents?”

  “In the dining room.”

  Walking in behind me, Nathan greets, “Hello, Mr. Warren, Karen.”

  “Hi, Nathan. If I had known you were coming, I would have made you a plate.”

  “No trouble, Karen. I’m not hungry.”

  “Hello, Nathan. How are things?” Dad asks in a light voice. Much different than the one he’s been using with him over the last few months.

  “Well. Thank you for asking, sir. You?” Nathan takes the seat next to me after scooting my chair up once I’d sat.

  “Things are fine. I’m assuming Tracey has told you the news?”

  “No, sir. What news?” He looks at me with expectant eyes. His acting ability is frightening.

  “We have decided she can stay here when we move.” Dad smiles, anticipating Nathan’s happiness in their decision.

  Nathan beams. “That’s news. When were you going to tell me?”

  A bright smile takes over my face. “Later,” I answer, turning to Dad. “Thanks again.”

  He nods, starting back in his plate.

  “Nathan, are you in school or do you plan on going to school?” Mom asks.

  “Yes. I’m going to Bennington with Sparks.”

  “So that’s the school you’re planning on going to!” Dad exclaims as if finding out allowed him to crack the Tracey secret school code.

  Nathan’s brows join. “You didn’t tell them?”

  “Tracey hasn’t done much talking today. You should know that, Nathan,” Glen states sourly, saying his name as if it’s a disease.

  Nathan leans forward, eyeing her sat on my other side. “Not right now, Glen,” he states sternly.

  Dad studies them. “Is everything okay?”

  “Everything is just peachy, Mr. Warren,” Glen says with sarcasm thick in her voice. She then rises from her seat and comes to stand between Nathan and me. “If you’re going to be over here for a while, can you drop me off at my house?”

  Nathan’s face falls in a way that relays he’s going to give bad news. “I’m sorry, Glen. Scott dropped me off. Looks like you’ll have to walk,” he kindly recommends.

  I shake my head, closing my eyes before slowly reopening them.

  “Right,” she retorts. There’s always an issue when your best friend doesn’t get along with your boyfriend.

  Dad’s staring at Glen and Nathan, acknowledging the tension building between the two of them.

  “Glen, if you’re finished eating, maybe you should go sit in the family room. Watch a movie or something.” I try to defuse it.

  She rolls her eyes, leaving.

  After she’s left the room, Dad asks, “Nathan, is everything alright?”

  “Yes sir, everything’s fine.”

  “Glen and Scott aren’t doing well right now, and with Nathan being his cousin and me being with him. Eh. . . It makes things . . . uncomfortable,” I finish his answer.

  “Should we make arrangements to drop Glen off at home?” Mom asks.

  I shake my head. “Scott’s over there. To keep down the drama, it’s best she stay,” I say, hoping to make them think she’s going to Nathan’s instead of her home.

  Dad nods, turning down the corner of his mouth. “Okay. So, Bennington is a good school. Why didn’t you want to tell me? How was it going to get paid for?” He glares at me through his lashes, adding, “And you better not say Nathan is going to pay for it, or I’m changing my mind about you moving.”

  I laugh. “No, I got a scholarship. You know, good grades and good behavior do pay off.”

  He lifts his head completely, a proud expression spreading across his face. “I am glad to hear that, Ladybug. Good job!”

  “Thank you.”

  “That is good, honey! I’m proud of you.”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  “What’ll you major in, Ladybug?”

  “I’m starting off with my Bachelor’s in Social Science.”

  His eyes widen. “Watch out, Nathan, she may try to use some of that psychology on you,” he jokes.

  “Tell me about it,” Nathan follows.

  “What about you, Nathan? Do you have any more room under your belt for another degree?” he asks, laughing.

  Nathan joins his laugh. “A little. I’m going to get into graphic design so I can stop paying people to make my websites. And maybe help in 3D designs. I get a lot of calls requesting my advice on building plans and structures. It would be nice if I could turn my words into visual aids and stamp ‘An NCB Industry Design’ on the window of a completed skyscraper.”

  “My man!” Dad cheers, clapping. “I like the way you think. Keep some money in your pocket and expand your business!”

  “Precisely.”

  “Right, Dad. You have to make sure you stack your pennies, though. Bennington’s only the beginning while we wait for Nathan’s Washington plans to come together. Nathan and I are also planning to study abroad.”

  Nathan laughs as Dad asks, “Where?”

  “Belgium,” Nathan answers.

  “Wow. That will be a culture change for you, honey. Very exciting.”

  “It is,” Dad agrees with an admirable grin. “Glad to hear you’re interested in exploring other ventures!”

  “Right. So French is a second language Nathan and I share, and we thought it’d be cool to study in another country or two after we go to school locally.”

  Dad’s a face full of smiles; small, big, cheesy, bashful, proud. This is my father who I’ve loved and raised me. It’s a breath of fresh air to have my real dad back.

  We sit around the table talking for a while until Mom starts cleaning. We leave the dining room to the family room with Glen. She’s balled up on the loveseat and looks to be having a nightmare. I should wake her.

  “Let her sleep, Sparks. She’s fine.” Nathan’s probably happy she’s uncomfortable.

  “Nathan, I’m trusting you’ll take care of Tracey while she is here. I don’t want to have to come back here to take care of you.”

  I glare at Dad as if he’s lost it. Wow, threatening much?

  “I understand,” Nathan answers. “You can trust I will take care of her. You have my word.”

  “Don’t hurt my daughter, Nathan. I love her dearly.”

  “I guarantee you that will not happen.”

  “Good. Now, I still don’t feel comfortable with her living with you and your family.”

  “I understand that as well. I’ve been considering moving.” Here he goes.

  Dad smiles but knits his brows. “Why? I thought you were the family man.”

  Nathan doesn’t return it. “I am, but my family gives me a headache, putting stress on me we don’t need right now. Plus, Sparks’ used to the small house, small family lifestyle. I understand you’re not comfortable with her living with me. But if she isn’t able to get a dorm room on campus, I was going to get a place.”

  “Oh.” Dad seems surprised by his response. “How do you feel about that, Ladybug?”

  I don’t want to answer truthfully. I know how Nathan feels about his family, but it looks as if there is no avoiding him wanting to leave them. “I agree with what he said.”

  “That’s a short, not thorough answer.” Dad’s right. But I need to talk to Nathan about it first. Try to convinc
e him not to leave.

  There is no convincing me, Sparks. We aren’t living there. Bottom line.

  Fine. “I’m comfortable with or without his family. I’m sure they’ll still be around; we just wouldn’t be up under them.”

  Dad sits back, analyzing this new information. Nathan was honest with him. Just an okay, or we’ll work it out wouldn’t have sufficed, I assume. He wanted to give the whole truth.

  You know you will really hurt your mom if you leave, I say.

  Yes. I know.

  But you still want to leave?

  Yes, and accept that.

  I shake my head, diverting my attention back to my thoughts.

  “I have to figure out how I feel about that. Being honest with myself, I do trust you, Nathan. But there are other things that concern me.” Don’t say it, don’t say it. “And those things can lead to other headaches and stress that you two equally do not need.”

  “Um, let me cut you short, Dad. We”—I point to Nathan and me—“do not plan on having kids running around anytime soon.”

  “Ha! But notice how she did not say they don’t plan on not having sex,” Glen states coolly, drenched in sarcasm. Dad’s eyes bug out, practically popping out of his head.

  I can’t believe she just said that! “Glen, what is wrong with you?”

  She jumps up from her lying position. “He”—she points to Nathan—“is my problem. Why is he here?”

  “Because he can be. And if you have something you need to say to me, we can talk somewhere else. But don’t sit here and insinuate things to my father. That was not cool, and you know it.”

  “No, Tracey, I can tell you a few things that are not cool.”

  I bite my tongue, holding back the bitch itching my lips. Looking at Dad, I say, “Excuse us, Dad. Can we have this room for a minute? I need to talk to Glen.”

  “Yes.” He stands. “Come along with me, Nathan. I’d like to talk with you privately.”

  “Okay, sir.” Nathan stands. Stay calm and do not set that girl on fire . . . or the family room, he tells me, following Dad out.

  Glen comes over to sit beside me. “Why are you still under him?”

  “Why wouldn’t I be? You’re the one who has the problem with Scott, not Nathan and me. You need to figure out your relationship. Just because you and Scott are not cool right now, doesn’t mean I have to be pissed at Nathan all because you want me to be.”