by Cee, DW
“You have a moment to chat?”
Time was all I had. Did I want to chat? Not particularly. “Sure. Shall I check on Alex?”
“She didn’t wake up at all during the transfer from car to bed. She’s exhausted.”
“It saddens me that she so enjoys sleeping in her own room. I guess I was holding her back.” If asked, I couldn’t deny that there were nights I’d be on the weepy side when I was all alone. Since we moved, or better stated, since she met her dad, my daughter had blossomed. She loved her new environment. The sun, the water, the outdoors agreed with her. What she loved the most was her soft pink room with a princess bed in middle of the room, a pink and white striped Teepee tent on one side of the room, a kitchen on the second side, a reading nook on the third side, and an art area to round out all sides. Her room was that big. Why would she want to sleep with her mother when she had everything she wanted in her own room?
“Our daughter loves you more than anyone on earth. No room can substitute what you mean to her, Jenna. You know you can always move into the main house and sleep in the room next to hers if you like.”
“It’s fine,” I lamented. “What a waste of money to set up two rooms. After a few nights, the novelty of having two rooms wore off really quickly.”
Xander smiled. His smile always made me catch my breath. “Why don’t you turn that room into a workroom? Where do you do your edits? You don’t even have a desk.”
“I work on the dining table. It’s fine. I’m living rent-free, I have no complaints.”
“Do you know this might be our only normal conversation where you haven’t gotten upset with me? Perhaps I should stop now and be ahead.”
I snorted, “Since you brought it up, maybe we should stop. I need to go and pack. It’s not easy traveling with a little one as you’ve already learned.”
“Yeah, but we’ll have four other adults with us. She can spend forty-five minutes with each adult and we’ll be in Maui.”
“Aside from the obvious, is there a reason for this trip?”
Xander casually shook his head. “No particular reason, Jenna. Since most of my family moved here, I thought it would be nice to get away together. Hawaii is always a calming place. I assume you’ve been?”
I nodded yes. “We lived there briefly.”
“Of course you did. Is there anywhere in the world I can take you where it will be a new experience?” I didn’t answer that. “If that’s all...” As expected, my escape plan didn’t work.
“Jenna.” He turned me around to face him. “You’ve avoided me since I re-entered your life. Whenever I think about the stupid reasons why we broke up, I want to strangle the nearest object. It pains me to know that we didn’t have to end, that I could’ve been there since day one with our baby.”
I reminded him, “You and I might not have been meant to be, but you could’ve been there for your daughter. She was not a secret.”
“I’m sorry, Jenna. What can I do to help you forget what I said to you that night? You have to forgive me for telling you to abort our daughter.” Damn. Here it was. The explanation I didn’t want to hear. “When I saw you again at the Downtown Club, I was pissed. Because I fell so hard for you, it killed me when you left without a word. I had no idea why you wanted to meet with me, and when you told me about being pregnant, I said the first, fucking dumb thing that came to mind; immediately, I regretted the trash that I spit out. What I said wasn’t what was in my heart. My goal was to hurt you as much as you hurt me.”
“You accomplished your goal, Xander. Though I grew up alone, I was a self-sufficient and confident person. After I learned how much you didn’t want me and our child, I fell into a state I never thought I’d get out of. I was a mess for too long.” Shit. I shouldn’t have shared that—and with tears, too. Xander, me, and emotions were a potent mix. Staying neutral kept me sane where this man was concerned.
“I’m sorry, Jenna. Please say you’ll forgive me for being a dumbass and a dick.” He pulled me in for an embrace. I fought it, but in the end I was not strong enough, physically or emotionally. “What will it take to get the old Jenna back? What can I do to make the hurt go away?”
“Just love Alex. That’s the best thing you can do for all of us.”
“I will always love Alex, but what about her mother? May I love her too?”
*******
Jenna went still again. I hated it when the fighting spirit left. Apathy took over.
“I have to go,” Jenna fought hard to get up and get the hell away.
“No, you don’t. Talk to me, dammit. Stop running away. Answer my question.”
“I don’t have any answers for you. Loving our daughter is all I want from you. Please don’t complicate my life; it’s already difficult as it is.”
“Your life is dull and closed off. You purposely keep me at arms-length. If you could, you’d live on the other side of the earth to avoid revealing your feelings for me. I know there must be something left in your heart for me. I’m hoping it’s love, but I’ll take anything. Tell me, Jenna. What’s in your heart?”
In the most monotone voice she could muster, she said, “I feel nothing for you. You are the father of my child, and I appreciate all that you’ve done for us. If you keep pressuring me, Alex and I will move out of your compound. No—” she stopped me before I blew my lid, “we won’t go far, but yes, we will be out of here. Leave me alone, Xander. Don’t push me into a relationship I don’t want.”
“Bullshit!” I placed both hands on her face and kissed her like I wanted to since I first saw her at the park. At first, Jenna fought like hell to stop me. I almost gave into her wishes until I felt her soften under my lips. She kissed with a desperation to match my own.
Heaven! I’d finally returned to heaven with my girl.
Until, of course, she pulled away, slapped me, and told me, “Don’t ever touch me again!” before running away.
Damn Woman! Jenna Ashe would be the death of me.
*******
Why? Why? Why? I asked myself that question all night and into the morning. I packed in the wee hours when I couldn’t sleep, and I greeted my hungry daughter earlier than usual. Fortunately, Xander wasn’t around, so we ate and we went back to my humble abode.
Xander gave our daughter a small Frozen suitcase, and Alex went to town throwing every bit of clothing in it. She packed like a typical female—everything and anything.
“Alex, we’re going to Hawaii. You don’t need your Elsa sweater. It’ll be too warm.”
“NO, Mom. I want Elsa sweater,” she insisted in her big-girl manner. I had no clue when I’d become Mom to her. She sounded so grown up.
“You only need dresses and bathing suits. You can’t fit your entire closet in that tiny suitcase.” My daughter didn’t give a shit what I’d said. She put in all her favorite items, a plastic vacuum included, and told me to zip up her suitcase. As soon as I did what she asked, Alex got up and left for the main house.
“Daddy!” I heard her holler. “I’m ready!”
“Alex!” All four grandparents called. Through the windows I saw my daughter run into Grandma Lena’s arms and into all the subsequent arms who wanted a piece of her.
After what happened last night, I wanted to be with Xander like I wanted a hole in my head. The kiss shouldn’t have happened. As always, I was weak where that man was concerned. I should’ve pushed him away and run. Instead, I held onto him as if he were my last breath and kissed back. Shit. Why couldn’t I be stronger?
“What’s wrong?” Mom whispered to me during the plane ride. “You’ve barely said a word since we arrived at your house.”
Before we buckled ourselves in, I made sure to position my mom, Alex, and me in a row of three. As to how everyone else situated themselves, I didn’t care.
“You did not arrive at my house. It’s Xander’s house.” Those words came out ugly. I needed to make amends quickly. “I’m sorry, Mom. This trip has me wondering why I’m here.”
> “Jenna,” Mom called out in that tut, tut, tut, kind of tone, “let it go and enjoy your life.”
I stared in disbelief. “I don’t understand what you’re saying, Mom. What’s there to enjoy and what, exactly, am I to let go?”
I shouldn’t have asked. “You’re being a brat, Jenna. Yes, you had it rough the first few years of Alex’s life, but it’s all worked itself out now. Xander loves your child, and you, from what I see. Let go of the anger, the bitterness, and whatever else is in your heart. You can start new with him. Why make yourself miserable?”
“I don’t trust him, Mom. I can’t trust him.” Mom wanted more so I had to elaborate. “I don’t ever want to be hurt by anyone like I was hurt by Xander.”
“Jenna...”
“No, Mom. You don’t know. I stopped coming around to see you and Dad because I didn’t want you to see me. There were days when I didn’t want to go on living; it hurt to breathe, to think, to love a man who didn’t want me or my child. Never, ever do I want to go through those days again. Now I have a child to think of; I have to be a good mom.”
“Oh Jenna, I had no idea you were hurting that much.” I hated seeing the guilt in Mom’s eyes. “Your father and I thought you were doing all right. We thought you were too busy to come around. We didn’t want to pry, but we were always there to help if you needed us. I feel as if we failed you. Are you still depressed? Do you want to see someone? Maybe you should talk to a professional and work out your emotions? You can’t live life being this afraid of falling in love again.”
“I’m all right now, Mom. Janine helped me through a lot of the pain.”
“Janine has been a godsend.”
“She was and still is a good friend. I need to ask you, though, to please stop pushing me toward a relationship with Xander. It won’t happen. It can’t happen.”
I knew Mom wanted to argue my point, but she let it go. “What will you do, then? Will you never be in another relationship ever again?”
“I don’t know, Mom. Relationship...what the hell would I do with one and in one? It’s obviously not for me. Maybe I’ll date again, but not Xander,” I insisted. “Please don’t wish us as a family.”
“OK, Jenna. I’ll let your father know.”
*******
“Are you all right?” I asked the mother of my child who stood by herself in the corner of our large villa.
“I’m fine. Thank you for bringing us here. It’s beautiful.” That damn monotone was back.
Turning Jenna to face me, I said, “I’m glad you like it here, but don’t treat me like some stranger, Jenna.” I pushed my luck and cradled her face. Instinctively, she leaned herself into my hand, until she caught herself. “You want to go take a walk while the boss of this villa is sleeping?” Why’d I ask? Of course, she shook her head no. Taking matters into my own hands, I told both sets of grandparents that we were exploring the neighborhood.
Jenna didn’t like the death grip I had on her hands, but I wasn’t letting go. She did everything to get out of linking fingers with my own, but me being the stronger one, I didn’t give into her wish. For now, she cooperated and allowed me to hold her hand.
“What’s on the agenda for the week?”
“Nothing, really. Maybe we’ll take a helicopter ride?” Jenna shook her head no. “A luau?” She shrugged her shoulders in a non-committal manner. “Maybe you and I can drive up to see the sunrise at Mount Haleakala?” The no was back. I chuckled at her childlike refusals. “All right. I give up. What do you want to do?”
“You can do all that you mentioned with your family if you like. I don’t want to hold you back.”
This stubborn woman refused to understand my heart. “Jenna.” I stopped us and grabbed her other hand as well. “YOU and Alex are my family. My parents, Lex, and your parents are extended family. If you and Alex don’t want to participate in anything, we can play on the beach all day for all I care. You and Alex are the ones I want to see happy. One day soon, I hope to see you smile for me. It’s been too long since you’ve smiled. I miss it.” I wanted to pull her in and hug her, but I thought better of it for now. The other night’s kiss was more than I expected, but I’d scared Jenna away. During this trip, I’d slowly reveal my intentions.
“Please, Xander.” I loved hearing my name on her lips. If she could help it, she didn’t use it. “I am not your family. I will not be your family. I’d like for you to respect my wishes and leave me alone.”
“Give me, give us, a chance. I fucked up. I’ve admitted it to the world and have begged you for forgiveness. Why the hell can’t you find it in your heart to start again? Judging from yesterday’s kiss, you still want me. Life would be that much easier for all of us if I didn’t have to tiptoe around you.” Neither of us liked how angry those words came out. I should’ve stopped while I was only a few steps behind, but like the idiot that I was, I went further and exploded. “Enough with the I’ve been wounded attitude. Grow up and face me like an adult. You’re forever playing the invisible woman role, always blending into the background. Join us—me, your daughter, your parents, my parents, Lexie—in this thing called life. I never knew you for a coward. What I’ve seen since I saw you on that playground pisses me off and makes me wonder where the real Jenna Ashe has gone. Your daughter needs a role model in you.” I should’ve stopped a long time ago. Hell. I shouldn’t have even started. What made me mouth off to my girl was even beyond my usual stupidity.
Fuck. I was afraid to look into her wounded eyes.
Whether I’d see hate, anger, or sadness was anyone’s guess. What I didn’t expect to see was defeat. I was pissed with myself for pushing my girl further into her corner.
I had to make amends. “I’m sorry, Jenna.” The damage was done. Blinking back tears, she didn’t say a word in response. She only walked away. “Dammit! Jenna. Stop.” I grabbed her from behind; it was like holding a statue. “I’m very sorry. I was angry and said things that shouldn’t have been said. Is there no chance of a reconciliation? Do you really hate me that much?” Whatever amount of defeat Jenna felt, I empathized.
I expected no response, but what I received was a shocking revelation. I wasn’t sure how to interpret what she’d said.
*******
“I loved you enough to create a child with you, and I love watching you love our daughter. There’s always been too much of everything in my heart where you’re concerned, Xander. My plea doesn’t come from a lack of love, it comes from the overabundance that scares me. In the beginning, loving you made me anxious. In the end, loving you caused a kind of terror I don’t ever want to feel again. You don’t know me at all if you think there’s anything but love for you in my heart.”
Why on earth had I revealed every last emotion? I was the biggest fool. My only saving grace was that Xander was stunned enough to let me run away.
After the kiss, after my I love you Xander Blane confession, how else could I further embarrass myself? Maybe I should just ask Xander to marry me while I was at it since I basically told him that I couldn’t live with him or without him. Damn my life. I was a moron.
“Mom!” Where my two-year-old got Mom from when she always called me Momma was one of the many questions I couldn’t answer.
“Yes, Baby?”
“Let’s play.”
“You had a good nap?”
She nodded her head hard enough for me to worry it might fall off. “Beach.”
“How about you and I sip piña colada smoothies and swim in the pool?”
“OK!” she agreed. Since she slept in her bathing suit, I picked up my bag, announced to the grandparents that we’d be in the pool, and left. It was going to be a fun mother-daughter afternoon until my two-year-old hollered, “Dad! Pool time!”
“Did you need to do that?” I whispered.
She grinned in response. “Let’s jump, Mom.”
The hell with feeling stupid for spewing out everything in my heart. I placed the swim bag on a lounge chair, took off my
cover-up, picked up my child and jumped into the deep end.
“Mom!” Alex yelled in glee and admonishment.
I laughed at my daughter who sounded like a teenager. “You weren’t ready for that were you, Baby Girl? Momma surprised you?” As soon as I finished saying those words, Xander cannonballed into the pool and splashed us all over again.
Once Alex got over the surprise, she yelled for “MORE!” Her father obliged until other swimmers became annoyed.
“Should we eat lunch, Alex? I’m hungry. What would you like?”
“Chicken, fries, and piña colada smoothie, Daddy.”
Daddy laughed heartily at his daughter. “How do you know what a piña colada smoothie is?”
Alex shrugged her shoulders and pushed away from me trying to swim on her own. She sank immediately; her daddy picked her up just as quickly.
“How about I put the floaties on your arms and we swim together?”
“OK, Mom.”
“When did ‘Mom’ happen?” Xander asked, treading way too close to me.
“I’ve no idea. She appears to be skipping the toddler stage and racing into the teenage years.”
“What would you like to eat, Jenna? I’ll order our meals at the bar.”
“Anything is fine.”
I could tell he wanted to say more, but he held himself back and only said, “All right. I’ll order for us.”
“Come on, Baby Girl. Let’s get your floaties and jump back in.”
Busy with my daughter, I didn’t notice until we headed back to the pool that Xander was animatedly talking to a woman. Upon closer look, she was the same woman who was with him at the Downtown Club the night I went to tell him about our baby. All kinds of emotions flooded through my mind and heart. It didn’t help that the woman was demonstrative in a way that made me feel jealous on top of all these other damn emotions.
This was the first time I’d seen Xander with another woman. To say he was with another woman was unfair. However, all the nights he came home late, I had no clue why. A man like Xander couldn’t have been celibate, as I had been, since we parted. Who knew how many women he’d been with since me? Shit. Jealousy was not healthy for anyone—especially not me. Instead of wallowing in it, I turned around and jumped back in the pool.
