by Mark Boutros
‘It’s clearly on that pedestal. Otherwise it wouldn’t make sense to have one. Now buzz off!’
‘Appearances can be deceiving. If you give me—’ Karl grabbed Peezant by the face and held him close. ‘Get someone else to fund your wardrobe.’ He flicked Peezant’s beak and threw him out of the hole.
Peezant regained his composure and hovered.
‘Don’t try to tell me you know more than me. The hat is obviously on this…’ Karl thrust his hand onto the pedestal. It felt like he’d dipped it in a bowl of sticky beans.
Peezant laughed.
Karl grimaced. ‘Why’s it moist?’ He rolled whatever it was around his fingers.
‘It’s the stinkiest piece of dragon dung in aaaaaaalll of Hastovia. You can thank the dead Invisible Dragon for that.’ Peezant laughed louder. ‘The smell is impossible to wash off! Enjoy!’ Peezant flew away. His laughter carried as he disappeared into the distance.
Karl shook his hand off but the moisture consumed it and it wafted the hellish odour around. Karl retched. ‘Tower? Mr. Alseed? Where’s the hat?’
‘In here.’
‘I know that… but where exactly?’
‘If you can’t figure it out you don’t deserve it.’
‘Don’t make me tickle you.’
‘You want to risk being blown into the sea? Then go for it.’
Karl huffed. ‘Useless.’ Karl moved around slowly and waved his arms to feel for the hat.
Alseed chuckled.
Karl, embarrassed, stopped.
‘No, no, please carry on,’ Alseed said.
Karl had an idea. He remembered in Flowforn he used to walk down the alleys with Sabrinia and they’d hit walls with a stick. Obviously it wasn’t the best game. He’d hit a wall. CRACK. He’d hit another wall. CRACK. He’d hit a hanging carpet. THUD.
‘If I throw the dung around the room and listen out, when it hits something that isn’t stone, I’ve found the hat!’ He grabbed a handful of dung and coughed. ‘Worth it if it gets me out of here,’ he told himself. He threw it in a general direction.
SPLAT.
He threw it again at a different wall.
SPLAT.
He stuck his hand in the dung to get more. He felt it under his nails and shuddered. He spun around and threw it.
THUD.
It alerted him to the top of the wall to his immediate left. He felt around the wall and grasped at air. Finally he got hold of something wedged where wall met ceiling. He pulled on it, revealing a statue of a tiny rock warrior, its face covered in scratches. He stroked what he had and a green, unimpressive hat materialised in his hands. ‘Success! Finally, I can go home.’
The fang vibrated.
‘You didn’t think it would be that easy, did you?’ Alseed replied.
‘Oh no…’
On both sides of the entrance, two six-foot rock warriors broke out of the stone, each armed with a rock spear. They had no mouths, and dark dents for eyes.
Karl ran for the stairs but a wall shut off the path. ‘This seems bad.’ Karl turned back and held his sword out.
‘Now it’s your choice. Die by sea, or by spear?’ Alseed said.
Karl backed towards the hole. He considered his chances of survival if he fell. He wouldn’t. 'Is there a third option?' he asked.
One rock warrior stalked him, while the second struggled to move its right leg. They were incredibly slow.
‘Sorry about this. They’ve not battled in a while so their limbs are a touch stiff,’ Alseed said. ‘I don’t mean to delay the inevitable.’
‘How considerate.’ Karl shook his head.
The first rock warrior neared while the second tried to move.
Karl pulled the Hat of Invisibility over his head. Everything calmed and came into sharp focus. He waved his hand in front of his face and watched the trail of air it left with each motion.
‘You do realise they can still see your clothes?’ Alseed said.
‘Oh…’
The rock warrior swung its spear at Karl’s head. He ducked and the spearhead smashed against the wall.
Karl slashed at the rock warrior, but his sword bounced off its body and out to sea. The shock jolted his wrist. He frantically removed his shoes and trousers.
The rock warrior thrust its blunted spear at Karl. He sidestepped and removed his shirt, becoming fully invisible. ‘Ha. How are you going to get me now?’
The rock warrior searched the room.
Karl waited until it was by the hole and then pushed it, but it wouldn’t budge.
‘Die!’ Karl strained. ‘Why won’t you move?’
‘Your puny arms won’t move it,’ Alseed said.
The rock warrior elbowed Karl in the mouth. One of Karl’s teeth hit the floor and blood dotted the wall. Karl fell by the pedestal.
The rock warrior approached the blood. It was about to stomp on Karl, but he rolled out of the way and in front of the entrance.
‘Nowhere to run little man,’ Alseed teased.
‘Just be quiet!’ Karl spat blood on the floor and then realised that was stupid. He removed the hat and was naked.
Alseed laughed.
‘Come on, swing at me,’ Karl goaded his opponent, but the second warrior kicked him and knocked the wind out of his lungs.
Karl doubled over. He reached for the hat but his enemy swept it away with its spear. It drew the spear back and lunged. Karl dodged and the rock warrior's momentum took it into the blocked entrance.
Karl ran for the indent in the wall that the first rock warrior emerged from. He tickled it and pushed himself as far into it as he could.
‘No. No!’ Alseed moaned. ‘No!’ A sneeze broke off parts of the blocked entrance.
‘Stop!’ Alseed pleaded.
Karl tickled the wall again. The sneeze cleared the entrance and hurled Questions through it. The rock warriors fell down.
‘Questions!’
She was unconscious, wrapped around the pedestal.
The hat was caught against her foot. ‘Questions! Get up and grab the hat!’
She stirred and her hand twitched.
‘Questions! Wake up!’
The first rock warrior closed in on Questions’ prone body.
‘Questions, the hat. Quick!’
The rock warrior lifted its fist above her head.
Karl knew Questions was secure enough around the pedestal to survive the sneeze, but the hat...
He shut his eyes and scratched the wall.
The sneeze carried Karl’s clothes and the Hat of Invisibility out to sea.
The gust flung the first rock warrior against the ceiling. Chunks of its arms and legs broke off and it landed at the edge of the room. The second rock warrior crashed into the side wall. Its arm came off and spun along the stone. Questions remained wrapped around the pedestal.
Karl’s eyes narrowed. He got up and dragged Questions into the indent in the wall and held her. Her arm bled.
‘Please!’ Alseed begged.
‘You had your chance. I didn’t want to do this!’ Karl’s chest tightened. He didn’t want to end another life, even if it was a pile of rocks.
‘Please don’t make me kill my sisters!’ Alseed pleaded.
‘You should’ve thought about that before you ruined my chance to get away from this place and find my parents!’
‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry…’
Karl touched his fingers to the wall. He stared at the rock warrior on the verge of falling out to sea, took a breath and lowered his hand. Killing them wouldn’t bring the hat back. ‘Will you let us leave here in peace?’
‘Yes. I promise,’ Alseed said.
Karl huffed. ‘Fine. I won’t make you sneeze again.’
‘Thank you.’
Karl dragged Questions’ limp body towards the entrance to the throne room.
The rock warriors crawled towards their homes in the wall.
Questions stirred. ‘Are you okay, Karl? Did I save you?’ She sat up.
Karl t
hought the very opposite. ‘Yes…’ He gritted his teeth. ‘Yes you did.’ He would’ve said no but thought it would lead to more questions. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t think about letting the rock warrior kill Questions so he could preserve the hat.
‘Where are your clothes?’ Questions asked.
Tears formed in Karl’s eyes. He entered the tower looking for an item of clothing but instead had lost all of his. Struggling to say the words, he pointed to the sea.
‘Did you find the Hat of Invisibility?’
He pointed to the sea again.
‘Shall we just go down and get it?’ Questions asked.
Karl sat on the floor and stared into the distance. ‘I just need a moment, Questions.’ He placed his hands over his genitals. He hated everything in the world.
‘Do you want my clothes?’ Questions asked.
‘No. Thanks. Just… please… a moment.’ His life was nothing.
‘What’s that horrible smell?’ Questions asked.
Karl closed his eyes, wishing the rock warriors had crushed him.
19
‘Pull up a stool,’ Frong told Karl.
Karl adjusted the leaves Oaf and Questions had fashioned into clothing that barely covered him. He dragged a tall stool towards Frong and Sags. ‘Can I please have one of your lovingly made ales?’ Karl asked Bar Witch.
‘One gold piece,’ she said.
‘I’ve got none. It’s somewhere in the sea with all my clothes and the Hat of Invisibility. I can go outside and ask Questions and Oaf, but each time I move the leaves scratch against my sensitive bits.’
Bar Witch took a breath and dipped a cup into a bucket behind the bar. She walked over and gave it to him.
‘Thanks.’ Karl took a sip.
‘It’s from the spillage bucket,’ she said.
Karl swilled the liquid in his mouth. He swallowed and smiled, hiding how much he hated the taste.
‘What is that stink?’ Bar Witch asked.
‘It’s Invisible Dragon dung.’ Karl held up the offending hand. ‘I don’t suppose you have some way to get rid of it?’
Bar Witch shook her head.
Karl sighed. ‘I’ve nearly died so many times. And now Arazod has sent Fools to find relics, hunt me and guard ancient sites.’ He sat at a height that made Frong and Sags visibly uncomfortable with what was in their eye-line, but he didn't care anymore. ’I can’t go through all that again…’ He shook his head. ‘The whole point is I go home to avoid death and find out who I am, but to do that, I need to risk my life. It’s pointless.’
‘But we both know you’re not going to give up, don’t we?’ Frong smiled.
Karl bit the skin around his thumb. Frong was right, but it didn't make Karl less terrified. ‘Please tell me about those other relics? I promise to listen patiently.’
Frong smiled, a hint of pride in it. ‘My stories just take getting used to. Then you won’t be able to get enough of them, I can assure you.’
Bar Witch raised an eyebrow.
Frong turned to Sags. ‘You ready to do this?’
Sags grunted in agreement.
Frong opened the wooden chest and took out two books wrapped in velvet. He handed one to Sags. ‘Haven’t looked at this since… Marlens.’ They toasted and waited a moment.
‘What is it?’ Karl asked.
‘It’s our Journal of Adventures.’ Frong and Sags removed the velvet, revealing two halves of a book. They clicked them together then opened the book on the table. There was an etching of the three adventurers. Frong and Sags were young, happy and energetic next to Marlens, a smooth-faced witch with short red hair. Tears formed in Frong’s eyes. He turned the pages.
‘I’m sorry…’ Karl said.
‘There's the blood of the frog-badger,’ Frong said, trying to keep it together. ‘It was… formulated to burrow into mountainsides and create caves for people to take shelter when we had four thousand sunsets of rain. You could probably use it to make a path through the ground and into the castle without being detected.’
Bar Witch raised a finger. ‘Oh, what about the wings of the Tree-Cyclopsi you used to talk about?’
Frong nodded. ‘They are a splendid creation. Not like normal wings, as they’re not made from feathers, but the leaves of a magical tree… They have a real strength, and glow beautifully.’ He turned the pages. ‘There’s the relic of persuasion, granting even the most socially uncomfortable the gift to manipulate. Then there are the blade fish scales, from a pool in the waxy mines, which give the wearer a protective shell, shielding them from the toughest of magic. There are plenty.’ Frong picked up a dry, hard, bone-snake skin shaving from a bowl and took a bite out of it, underlining his point.
Hope filled Karl’s body. ‘Why didn’t you ever keep anything? Isn’t the point of adventuring to keep something?’
Frong shrugged. ‘We kept the memories and the shared experiences.’ He and Sags exchanged a loving glance. Karl smiled at the warmth they showed each other.
‘We loved the thrill of completing the adventure, plus, these things are where they are for a reason. If we took them, someone would come after us, desperate for power.’
Karl nodded.
‘Your best chance is Lake Shizneh. It holds the wings of the Tree-Cyclopsi.’
‘Is it because it’s the least dangerous?’ Karl asked, hopeful.
Frong’s eyes said otherwise. ‘It’s too treacherous to guard, so likely no Fools await you. Past a certain point the lake tries to grab you and swallow you. Only the really greedy go there.’
Sags grunted.
‘Did he say there’s an alternative?’ Karl asked.
‘No. He said the wings would be good because you can fly into Flowforn at night, avoiding any Fool patrols.’
‘You got all of that from a grunt?’
‘When you know someone, you know someone.’
Karl thought about Sabrinia. She was probably suffering in Arazod’s company. ‘Why can’t Sags speak anyway?’ Karl asked.
‘He cut his tongue out…’
Sags showed Karl his half tongue and wiggled it.
Karl grimaced. ‘Why would anyone do that?’
‘One of the tribes we met said that if they use a tongue in a potion it could bring Marlens back from the dead. Sags didn’t hesitate to chop it off but it turned out the tribe was wrong, so we ended up with a tongue soup.’
‘That’s awful!’ Karl said.
‘It happens. Soup wasn’t bad though. You should count yourself lucky. He’s better like this. When he talked he’d just go on and on and on…’
Karl smiled, fully aware of what that was like.
Frong ripped several pages from the Journal of Adventures, rolled them into a scroll and handed them to Karl. ‘I wrote everything we know about the lake here. It was thousands of sunsets ago so might be worthless. Otherwise, this is your survival guide.’
‘Why are you being so kind?’ Karl asked.
‘Because you’re going to promise me that if you get the wings, you’ll take Sags for an evening flight around all of southern Flowfornia before you disappear.’
Sags clapped, excited.
Karl nodded, knowing he would likely forget that promise. ‘Deal. And thanks again.’
Bar Witch returned and threw Karl a sack. ‘Clothes.’
‘Thanks.’ Karl steadied himself, touched by the kindness they all showed him.
Frong extended a hand. ‘If you don’t make it back, it’s been nice talking to someone from Flowforn who isn’t awful.’
20
Karl wore ill-fitting orange clothes meant for children and waved a fly away from his face. Bar Witch assured him the clothes were the only spares she had, but he was sure she was playing a joke on him.
He looked at what must have once been hilly grassland, now covered in thick, dark green sludge. ‘So I guess this is Lake Shizneh.’ The tops of trees poked out of the mess, grasping for that last bit of air. From the haunting majesty of Mount
Alseed, Karl now faced Hastovia’s toilet.
A slow whirlpool with green arms pulled everything from old shoes to dead bodies into it. It was a sort of belly of the lake, feeding the filth so it could spread. The slime rose and fell as though the lake breathed.
Karl swatted another fly away from his stomach where his top refused to meet the trousers. The gentle wind blew the taste of waste into his mouth and up his nostrils. If there were a competition for the rankest, foulest smelling thing ever, he’d vote for Lake Shizneh. He retched and covered his mouth and nose with the hand he put in dragon dung. He threw up and decided he’d vote for his hand instead.
‘Is it true the stream from near Flowforn carries all waste here?’ Questions asked.
‘Considering there are dead bodies and Arazod is ruling Flowforn, I’ll say yes.’ Karl looked around and grimaced. Of all the places…
Oaf caught up. ‘Is your name Boingo?’ he asked Tortured Soul, sat on his shoulder.
‘Nah. Not doin’ anythin’.’
‘Is your name Crumbon?’ Questions asked.
‘I might not have a memory, but I know that ain’t even a name,’ she said.
Questions pointed at the thick branches and treetops poking out of the sludge. ‘Is that how we get across the lake?’
‘It looks unnecessarily dangerous… so I guess so.’ Karl hoped that this would be the last deadly place he had to visit.
Among the bony remains of Flowfornians who had failed to make it, Karl spotted a Fool consumed by the green. ‘Looks like Frong was wrong...’ A parchment in the Fool’s hand had the likeness of Karl on it.
The entrance to the cave was across the lake. ‘Why a cave?’ He huffed. ‘Can’t they just have these relics on show as a nice display in someone’s home?’
They ventured forward until the grass met thick liquid.
Karl unrolled the scroll Frong gave him and stepped towards the edge. A green arm rose from the lake and snatched the scroll. ‘No!’ He reached for the pages and lost his balance.
Oaf grabbed the back of Karl’s top and yanked him back.
Karl held his eyes shut, annoyed to have lost his guide.
‘Better the scroll than you,’ Oaf said.
Karl nodded. ‘Thanks, Oaf.’
