The brothers have always been attractive to me, but now that I have intimate knowledge of them, seeing them and being close to them is unbearable.
Finally, Mike pushes his chair back. “That was a wonderful meal, Mrs. Harding.”
“Thank you, Mr. Harding.” Mom glows at being called by her new married name, and I feel a strange twinge in my chest. Mrs. Harding. That’s what I would be called if I married one of the brothers. It brings back memories of daydreams I had when I was young. They were abstract and romanticized little fantasies back then; now there’s suddenly much more depth and detail coming to mind as I imagine being Mrs. Harding.
But who? Even if such a thing were to happen – and I know it never will – who would I even marry? How would I choose a brother? I love them all.
Wait a minute. Love? Where did my brain get that word from? I don’t love them. Not any of them. Sure, we’ve made love. But I’m not in love with them.
I push back my own chair and stand, picking up my plate. “I’ll clean up.”
“No, you won’t, dear. You’ve been working hard at the bakery all week. And I learned that Mike is terrific at loading the dishwasher.
“Yes, your mom’s found my hidden talent.” Mike laughs as he takes the dish from my hand. “Have you been down to the fishing dock yet, Maddy?” When I shake my head, he looks to his sons. “Why don’t you take her down there while Jen and I clean up?”
I freeze, but can’t think of any way to refuse his suggestion, and Josh and Jake are already agreeing with the idea. Reluctantly, I follow them out the back door and down the steps.
Mike’s home is on the opposite side of the island from his sons’ beach home. The dock extends out into the Intracoastal Waterway, facing the mainland. The sun is starting to set and I focus on the scenery as an excuse to try to lag behind the group.
No matter how slow I go, though, they keep pace with me.
“We miss you, Maddy.” Josh touches my arm ever so briefly and it makes me want to cry.
I crumble just a little but manage to keep my composure. “I miss all of you, too,” I admit. “Maybe we can get together as friends.”
Adam’s derisive scoff is loud, but he doesn’t say anything in response and neither do his brothers as we continue through the yard toward the dock.
Finally, as we’re stepping onto the wooden planks, Jake puts a hand on my shoulder. “Is that what you want, Maddy? To be friends?”
I meet his eyes and turn to look at each of them. “Yes, that’s all I can want.”
Matt takes a step closer. “We’re a lot more than friends, Maddy.”
They’re too close to me. I worry about how this conversation would look if my mom sees us from a window, and I feel like they’re closing in on me. Also, I’m not sure I trust myself to stay strong when I’m surrounded by all of them.
Pushing back toward the house, I turn to face them again, my voice on the edge of tears. “What is it that you want from me?”
Josh speaks first. “We want what we had last week.”
Then Jake. “We’re all good together. You know we are. Why are you trying to deny it?”
“How can you think we can have a relationship? The four of us? It’s impossible.”
“Let’s talk it over, Maddy.” Matt takes steps toward me but I back up.
“There’s nothing to talk about. I’m not going to risk messing up our parent’s happy marriage. That’s it.”
“You’re being so stubborn, Mads,” Adam says.
“And you’re all being unrealistic.” I turn and continue back to the house at a quick pace, but, of course, they keep up with me.
I wish I could turn back time and continue to ignore them like I’d planned to. None of this would have ever happened. We wouldn’t have known how good we could be together, and things wouldn’t be hurting so much right now.
But I know I’ll never truly regret the time we shared. It was amazing, and I can’t deny that it was worth the pain. Why do they have to be my stepbrothers? Why couldn’t they just be four amazing men that I met under different circumstances?
I walk even faster, afraid tears are about to fall.
“Maddy, wait.” It’s Josh. “You don’t have to run from us. We’ll give you space.”
We’re right next to the house, hidden from view of windows, when Adam grabs my arm, pulls me against him, and kisses me. His lips are hot and his mouth is demanding, and my body fires up from the inside out.
I almost give in to it – I really want to – but I wrench my head away.
He holds me steady, forcing me to look at him. “Tell me you don’t want that. Tell me you don’t need that.”
I glare back at him. My body, mind, and soul are all screaming about how much they want that, but I’m pissed that he won’t let this go. “It’s not about what I want or need. I’m not going to be selfish about this.”
When Adam grips me tighter, I twist and pull away. He’s pushed me too far. “Anyway, I don’t need you. Why would I need you?”
I bypass the back door and head around the side toward the driveway. “Please tell my mom and Mike that I had to leave. Tell them I have a headache. I’ll call her later.” As I reach my vehicle, I add, “Oh, and I’ll bring your car back to the shop later this week. I’m not keeping it.”
“So damn stubborn,” Adam mutters.
Jake speaks up. “Maddy, keep the goddamn car. Why can’t you accept the things we want to give you?”
As I’m driving away, his words ring in my ears and I realize he was talking about so much more than the car.
26
It shouldn’t be possible
Days pass so slowly.
Work is busy. It would even be fun, if I had it in me to experience fun.
Everything around me reminds me of the Harding brothers. Every time I put something in the oven I think of Matt there fixing it. The front of the shop brings up memories of Adam coming in and trying to protect me from Clay, as if he knew in advance that Clay would be bad news.
When I’m driving around the island and get a glimpse of the beach, there’s no way I can stop my mind or body from remembering the night in the ocean and on the sand with the twins.
It’s all torture, and in a twisted way, I believe I deserve to be tortured for letting myself get so close to them. With a little distance from the situation, it’s finally clear to me that I hurt them, too, and I feel terrible about that.
They were always a big deal to me when I was a kid. They were cool and popular and drop-dead gorgeous boys, and I don’t think it ever occurred to me that I could hurt them. That wasn’t the way things worked.
I realize I should have communicated better with them before getting in too deep, but there’s not much I can do about that now. When some time passes, and when I feel stronger – like I can talk to them without breaking down – I’ll apologize for giving them the idea that a relationship between us was possible. I’ll apologize for ever letting them think it was all a game.
When the week finally ends and it’s Saturday night, the last thing I feel like doing is going out to a bar. I’m tired and not feeling my best, but I promised Lacy I’d go out, so I drag myself through the motions of getting ready.
I’m afraid Lacy has it in her head to find a guy for me, and I’m not ready for that. She has no idea that I already found four guys since returning home to the island. Maybe meeting someone new would be a good way to try to forget the brothers a little faster, but I don’t think I can bring myself to do it yet.
When I arrive at Rusty’s, a little dive bar hot spot on Four Points, Lacy appears to already be one or two drinks into her evening. “Hey, Maddy! Look at you! Your boobs are ready for action tonight!” She lets out a loud whoop, drawing looks from a few guys nearby.
I glance down at the v-neck shirt I pulled from a drawer without much thought before leaving to come here. Maybe it is a little tighter across the chest than it used to be. I should probably cut back on how much I’m sampli
ng at the bakery.
Lacy’s younger sister, Bianca, is sitting next to her at the bar, and I almost don’t recognize her. She’s always been Lacy’s physical opposite, her dark features contrasting with Lacy’s light ones. But now she’s much taller and looking so much more grown-up with long, silky black hair and big eyes framed with naturally dark lashes and brows.
When I greet her, she’s as quiet as I remember, and I have to smile to myself at this other contrast between bright, bubbly Lacy and her intense, introverted little sister.
“What’s new?” Lacy asks as I climb onto the stool she saved for me.
What a question. Oh, the things I could tell her. “Not much. Mom and Mike are back from their honeymoon.”
“I heard. I saw your mom at the grocery store the other day. She looks so happy.”
“She does,” I agree.
When the bartender, an older guy covered in tattoos, gets within earshot, Lacy calls out to him. “Hey, my friend here would like a dirty screw.”
“What?” I give her a look.
“It’s their specialty. It’s made with orange juice, kind of like the screwdrivers we used to drink, but better.” Lacy lifts her glass to show me hers and the muddy-looking liquid makes me feel queasy.
“No, thanks. My stomach’s been a little off today.” I turn toward the bartender. “Just tea, please.”
Lacy examines my face. “You do look tired, Mads. Have you been working too much?”
“No, not really.” I shrug. I’m guessing what she’s seeing is the toll that sadness, regret, frustration, and self-pity have been having on me over the past week.
I sip my sweet tea and try to put on a happier face for her benefit.
When two young-looking guys come over to talk to Bianca, Lacy turns her attention to them. “Hey, are you two even old enough to be in here?”
They give her a wary look but one of them winks at Bianca before they continue down the bar.
“That’s right, move along, kids,” Lacy calls after them, watching their backs until they’re gone. “I know those little punks,” she tells us.
“Still the overprotective big sister, I see?”
“You should be a little more selective about your own men,” Bianca tells her pointedly.
Lacy shrugs and smiles, but I see the concern on her sister’s face. I’m about to probe for more info about Bianca’s comment when Lacy nudges my arm hard. “Hotness, coming in. Ooh, I’ve never seen this guy before.”
A tall man with a well-trimmed beard is walking straight toward us. He looks a few years older, well built, and with a friendly face. “Hello, ladies. How are you tonight?” He nods briefly at Bianca but stands between Lacy and me, and keeps his focus on us.
“We’re good. How are you?” Lacy sits a little taller and bats her lashes sweetly.
“Very good. What are you drinking? Can I buy you another round?”
He’s a good looking man. Clean, nicely dressed, great smile. He reminds me a little of Chris Pratt. And he’s doing nothing for me.
Lacy glances my way with a big grin and then turns to the stranger. “My friend here could use a refill, for sure. This is Maddy. What’s your name?”
The man’s eyes brighten and he angles himself in my direction, introducing himself as Nathan. It’s very generous of Lacy, really. She complains about the lack of available local men, so it’s downright selfless of her to push this handsome guy my way. Unfortunately, I know her kind efforts will be wasted on me tonight.
“I’m so sorry, Nathan,” I say, slipping down off the stool. “I need to use the ladies’ room. My friend Lacy is having a dirty screw, if you’d like to have a drink with her.”
Weaving my way through the crowd, I’m relieved to get away. I know I couldn’t have made small talk with that man tonight. And if he’d flirted, I probably would have shut it down. Passing other guys on my way across the bar, I feel dead inside. No spark, no interest, nothing. Have the Harding brothers ruined me?
And the couples who are dancing, or snuggled close together at a table, sharing laughs with one another, make me feel like crying. I recognize their happiness. I had that, and I couldn’t keep it.
In the restroom stall, I’m startled to find blood in my underwear. Not a lot of blood, but it’s definitely not normal. I use a birth control ring, and my period never starts until I remove it. And I’m not due to remove it for a few more days.
I’ve been using rings for more than two years and I’ve never had unusual bleeding.
I’m standing motionless at the sink trying to decide if this is something I need to worry about when Lacy comes in.
“Maddy, what are you doing? Are you hiding in here?” Her tone is teasing at first, but then she sees my face. “What’s the matter, Mads? Are you okay?”
“I don’t know. I think so. I just had some blood.”
“What?”
I explain, adding that it’s probably nothing, but Lacy searches my face. “You really do look tired. And you said your stomach felt bad?”
“Well, I was a little nauseous this morning. I couldn’t eat breakfast. I ate a sandwich at lunch but felt a little crampy later. Maybe I’m coming down with something.”
Her eyes flick down to my chest and back to my face. “Mad, is there any chance you could be pregnant?”
My skin goes cold. “I just told you – I’m on birth control.”
“Yes, but – ” She lets her words hang as she watches me closely, then she narrows her eyes. “You little wild one. You’ve been holding out on me! You’ve gotten some action since you’ve been back in town!”
Apparently, my face gives me away.
“It wasn’t Clay, was it?”
“No! God, it wasn’t Clay!”
“So it is someone.”
When I turn away, she puts a hand on my shoulder. “I’m not going to hassle you, Maddy. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. In the meantime, do you want to get a pregnancy test? Just to be sure?”
Pregnant. It shouldn’t be possible, should it? I’ve been careful. But no method is one hundred percent reliable.
I shrug and turn back to her, not sure what to do.
“Why don’t you drive home? I’ll stop by the drug store and get a test, I’ll bring it over, and then you’ll know. Maybe it’s nothing to worry about.”
That makes sense. “Okay, thanks. But what about … that guy? Nathan?”
Lacy shrugs. “If it’s meant to be, I’ll see him another time. I’ll make sure Bianca’s got a ride home and then I’ll be right over.”
“All right. Thank you.” I hug my friend, holding tight to her for an extra few seconds. If I’d had a pregnancy scare in the city, no one there would have taken such good care of me.
27
All of them?
Is there any length of time longer than the five minutes you have to wait for pregnancy test results to appear?
I stare blankly at the plastic stick for two minutes before leaving it alone on the bathroom counter.
“Well?” Lacy is sitting cross-legged on the edge of my bed, her face full of anticipation.
“Nothing yet. Three more minutes.”
“Oh. Are you nervous? Okay, dumb question. I can see you’re nervous by the way you’re pacing around the room.”
I stop. I didn’t realize I’d been pacing.
“You don’t have to tell me anything, of course, but are you in a relationship?”
“No. No, not really.” I resume pacing and stop myself again.
“Well, just know that I’m here for you. Whatever happens, you’ll be okay. I promise.”
I’d been keeping myself together remarkably well, but her kindness makes me crumble. She’s not pushing; she’s not prying; she’s just being a wonderful friend. More than I deserve. I stand in the middle of the room and let the tears come.
In an instant, Lacy’s arms are around me, and I cry harder. “I messed up. I messed up,” I say between sobs.
“N
o. What do you mean? You said you’re on birth control. Accidents can happen to anyone.”
“It’s not that. It’s more than that.” Tears keep falling as I am flooded with thoughts of everything that’s wrong in my life. My failed attempt at making it on my own in the city. Having to come crawling home and be rescued by my mom. Getting involved with men that I had no business getting involved with. And not just one of them, but four. Losing my heart, when there was no chance of us being together.
“It’ll be okay, Maddy. Let it out. Let it out.”
Maybe I do need to let it out. Maybe sharing my secret and my regrets will make me feel better. “Can I tell you something, Lacy?”
“Of course. Of course, sweetie.” She draws me over to sit on the bed and continues to rub my back.
“Promise me you won’t be mad.” My voice is unsteady but the tears have mostly stopped.
“I won’t be mad. What’s the matter?”
She hands me a tissue and I blow my nose. “I got involved with more than one guy.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“The problem is… the problem is that I got involved with my stepbrothers.”
I look up and watch the recognition cross her face. I may be wrong, but I see a small curve of a smile on her face. “Which? Who? The twins?”
“Um, yes.” I nod. “And um, Adam and Matt, too.” I don’t know how I get the words out.
Lacy’s eyes grow bigger than the apple fritters she loves so much at the bakery. “Do they all – know?”
“Do they know what?” I sniffle.
“Do they know that you’ve been with … all of them? You’ve been with all of them?” Her brows knit together before her eyes go wide again.
I can’t help but laugh at her expression and at her idea that I slept with each of them separately without the others knowing. That sounds much worse than what I actually did. “We were all together,” I explain.
I wouldn’t have thought it possible for her eyes to go any wider, but they do. Lacy pulls away from me, examining me, as if waiting for me to tell her I’m joking.
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