“It gets my day off to a good start,” he said, not sure what to say. She was almost as tall as he was, and her exercise clothes were persimmon colored and soaking wet. He could see the shape of her nipples through them, and tried not to look.
“Do you box?” she asked, perching on the stool next to him, and he shook his head.
“You should try it. It’s a great workout, if you don’t get a black eye or hit in the gut and wind up flat on your ass. The boxing coach here is pretty good. I had to stay home from work for a week with a black eye once, so I’m careful now. It teaches you to be fast on your feet, pay attention, and stay focused.” He was mesmerized by her, and wanted to continue the conversation so she wouldn’t leave.
“What kind of work do you do?” He was curious about her.
“I model bathing suits and underwear. I’m an actress but the modeling pays my rent, and I go to Hunter College at night. I’m still trying to get my BA degree. I’ll probably be a hundred when I do.” She smiled at him again, a row of dazzling white perfect teeth in the pale brown face. It was easy to believe she was an underwear model. Her body was incredible. He was six-three, and figured her for just under six feet, but her features were delicate and exquisite, her body perfectly toned and a little too thin, probably for the modeling.
“Where are you from?” He was intrigued by her, watching as she finished her juice. He had almost finished his but wanted to linger so he could talk to her.
“San Juan. My father is Puerto Rican. My mother is half Chinese.” It explained her exotic looks. “They got divorced and I came here as a kid with my mom. I grew up in Spanish Harlem,” she said it with pride as though it were a good place to live, which seemed unlikely to him. He nodded, not knowing what else to say, and she walked away. “Have a nice day.” He was grateful she didn’t look back over her shoulder as he stared at her. He couldn’t take his eyes off her.
“You too,” he called after her, feeling stupid. She had knocked the wind out of him even more than his grueling workout. He left a few minutes later, and took the subway to work. He knew Amanda would just be getting up by then, and heading for the shower. She had a beautiful body, but nothing like the girl from San Juan. There was something cocky about her that he liked too. She seemed undaunted by anything, and looked like she could take care of herself in any situation. He thought about her all day and tried not to. The tilt of her head, the dazzling smile, the outline of her nipples in the coral T-shirt, the sound of her voice.
He looked for her the next day, and was disappointed not to see her. Chiding himself for what he was doing, he stopped at the boxing ring two days later and saw her, with protective headgear on and boxing gloves, sparring with one of the coaches. She was lightning fast on her feet, and graceful, her long legs kicking out at the trainer. Anthony stood mesmerized again, watching her for a few minutes. She glanced his way when she was finished, and smiled at him.
“Come to check it out?” she asked as she walked over to him. Her movements were fluid and sexy. She had a catlike grace about her.
“You’re good,” he said admiringly.
“I was a scrapper as a kid. I just refined it here,” she said laughing, followed him to the bikes, and got on one next to him. They didn’t talk for a few minutes, intent on what they were doing. He liked being near her. She was curious about him too. “What do you do?” she asked him.
“I design videogames.”
“Is it fun?”
“I love it. You gave me an idea for a new game today, watching you box. A girls’ boxing game.” He wanted to make the girl look like her, but wasn’t sure he could capture her beauty with a computer. She was incredible looking, like a perfectly trained tigress ready to strike. It made him want to wrestle with her. He stopped at the juice bar with her afterward. They ordered their drinks and said nothing as they finished them, and then he headed for the men’s locker room, with a wave to her.
“See you tomorrow?” she called out to him, and he nodded and waved again as he disappeared, then wondered what he was doing as he stood in the shower. He was in love with Amanda, they were engaged, but he wanted to see the girl from San Juan again. How was that possible? What could he say? Everything he felt was entirely visceral. He was feeling a pull to her like nothing he’d ever felt before, and got a hard-on every time he thought of her, which made him feel even guiltier.
He watched her box again the next day, and wanted to get in the ring with her, just to hold her, and feel the power of her limbs. There was something so sleek and strong about her. It drew him to her like a magnet, and when they rode the bikes together, he glanced at her, and tried to sound casual.
“Do you want to have a drink sometime?” he asked, forgetting Amanda for a minute. She was part of another world.
“Sure, why not?” she answered, and they went on pedaling in silence, while he wondered if he should tell her he was engaged. He didn’t want to. They agreed to meet the next day at a bar on Third Avenue. He had no idea what he was doing, but he knew he couldn’t stop himself.
Her name was Alicia Gomez, and she was all he could think about that night, while Amanda told him the latest details of the wedding plans. She had found the perfect party favor, heart-shaped frames to put a picture of them at each place. He felt faintly sick when she said it. The frames were from Tiffany and they’d have to pick the photograph to go in them. Her voice blended into a blur, as he was torn between guilt and desire for Alicia.
He lay awake half the night, and didn’t see Alicia at the gym the next day. She had said she had an early shoot, and when he walked into the bar on Third Avenue at six o’clock she was there, waiting for him. She smiled as soon as she saw him. She was wearing very little makeup, a skintight short black dress and high heels, and was as tall as he was when she stood up. He looked pained as he approached. What he felt for her was torture, it was physical and deep in his gut. He didn’t understand it. How could he love one woman and want this one so much?
“I can’t stop thinking about you,” he said as they sat at a table beyond the bar and ordered white wine.
“That’s good,” she said, looking pleased by what he’d said. “You need to start working with a boxing coach. It will relax you. I do yoga twice a week,” she said, as their wine came, and she took a sip while he watched her, feeling as though he was losing his mind. He could feel his life unraveling as he looked at her, and he couldn’t stop it. “It’s okay, Anthony, it’s just a drink,” she said in a soothing tone, and he felt as though she could read his mind and see the anguish there. “Are you seeing someone?” she asked and he nodded. It was the perfect opportunity to tell her he was engaged, but he couldn’t. If he did, she might not see him again and he couldn’t bear that.
“Yes, I am,” was all he said. He didn’t tell her he was up to his neck in wedding plans which bored him to tears. She shrugged at his answer, and didn’t seem to care. She figured if the relationship was important he would tell her and he didn’t. She was thirty years old, smart, and understood perfectly when he told her how he built his videogames. She asked all the right questions.
They both had two glasses of wine, and took a cab to her place downtown, in the West Village. They didn’t talk on the way. His mind was whirling. He had never cheated on Amanda. He followed Alicia into her apartment, and as soon as the door closed, he peeled off the black dress that molded her incredible body, and had the best sex he’d ever had in his life. As he lay next to her afterward, he knew that he wanted more of her. She laughed and teased him back to life. Then they stood in the shower and made love again. It took every ounce of willpower to leave her at ten o’clock and go home. He wanted to run back to Alicia the minute he left her apartment. He needed her.
Amanda was worried, and looked up the minute he got in. She’d been sitting on the bed reading a stack of bride magazines, searching for the bridesmaid dresses she hadn’t found ye
t. Her entire mind had been given up to the wedding. He couldn’t even remember what they used to talk about before. He looked at her and a shiver ran down his spine. He knew that Alicia Gomez owned his soul. Wanting her this badly was torture and he knew he was in trouble, but nothing in the world could make him stop it.
“Where were you?” Amanda asked him, going back to the magazine she had in her hand, to mark the page with the bridesmaid dress she had liked. It was royal blue velvet and had a regal look to it that would go well with her dress, without grabbing too much attention. She had eleven bridesmaids and a maid of honor, and her father had promised to pay for their dresses if the one Amanda picked was too expensive. Some of the girls she’d asked from work couldn’t afford the kind of gown she wanted.
“We had a meeting that went late,” Anthony said vaguely, turning his back to her as he took his shoes off and squeezed his eyes shut. He was lying to her. But what choice did he have? An hour before he’d been making love to Alicia, and now he couldn’t touch the woman he was going to marry. How could he? Alicia had wrung him dry. What if he tried to make love to Amanda and couldn’t get it up? The thought was terrifying.
“You don’t look good. Are you okay? You look pale,” Amanda commented as she put the magazine down and stared at him as he turned around.
“I have a headache from the meeting. I’m fine. I didn’t have time for lunch today.”
“There’s some salad in the refrigerator. I didn’t eat dinner.” She didn’t offer to get the salad for him, and he didn’t want it anyway. He wanted Alicia. Now. In their bed at home. He felt like he was going crazy, and only Alicia could make him sane again. He liked who he was when he was with her, strong and confident, as though they were equals, physically and mentally. He didn’t have to pretend to care about the wedding he didn’t give a damn about.
He went to take a shower although he had just taken one with Alicia. He felt like he needed another one before he got into bed with Amanda, to wash away his guilt.
He looked apologetic when he came to bed. They hadn’t made love in several days, and he started to say something awkward to her, and she looked relieved.
“It’s fine. I got my period today. I’m sorry I’ve been so wrapped up in the wedding. I just want to get everything right and then we can coast until December.”
“Hmm…right…yes…coast. I know you’ll make it fabulous.” He kissed her cheek, switched off the light on his side of the bed, and turned his back to her, wondering what he was going to do now. He was not going to throw his whole future out the window and break Amanda’s heart for a woman he barely knew, but how was he going to walk away from Alicia? He couldn’t. He lay there with his eyes closed, and Amanda walked into the other room to talk to a friend on the phone. He was still awake but pretending to be asleep when she came back an hour later. He finally fell asleep at four-thirty, and woke up at five-thirty to leave for the gym. He felt like a thief, leaving Amanda’s apartment, and ran faster than ever to the gym. Alicia was waiting for him.
“You look like shit,” she said when she saw him. “Are you sick?”
“No, I couldn’t sleep last night.” He smiled at her. “I missed you.”
“Nice,” she said, pleased with his answer.
They started on the bikes, and he had an appointment with the boxing coach at six-thirty. Alicia stood by and watched his first lesson, and it was so exciting that Anthony forgot his sleepless night and concentrated on what the coach was telling him. Anthony was fast on his feet, had good reflexes and a natural aptitude for boxing, and Alicia smiled approval when he finished and they headed for the juice bar together. They shared the Green Eyed Monster while she gave him boxing tips.
“You’ll be good if you work on it. Don’t be afraid to hit him. He can defend himself. It took me a while to really swing at him too. He’s decked me a bunch of times.”
“You must have been a terror as a kid.” He grinned at her. “I’m glad I didn’t know you then.”
“I’m tougher now,” she said, “and don’t you forget it.” She leaned over and kissed him.
“Can I see you tonight?” he whispered to her.
“I can’t. I have school,” she said primly. “You don’t want to be boxing with a dummy, do you? After this semester, I need eight more credits to get my degree. I’m an English lit major. I can always teach if the modeling dries up. It’s something to fall back on.”
“You’re no dummy,” he said. She understood everything technical he said to her, more than some of the people he worked with. He knew that getting an education as a girl in Spanish Harlem couldn’t have been easy. He admired her for it.
“I just beat the shit out of any of the guys who gave me trouble,” she said, grinning, putting up her fists. She was an incredible combination of smart and brave, ballsy and determined, and stunningly sensual and feminine at the same time. He had never met anyone like her. He wondered what his mother and sisters would think of her, or if they’d even give her a chance. He would have liked to introduce her to his grandmother, but there was no way he could. He was supposed to be spending his time with Amanda, not some girl he’d met at the gym. There was no way he could explain this situation to them, or even to himself most of the time, except that he admired her and liked her, and was falling in love with her. And he was going to marry Amanda in six months.
Anthony felt like he was on an express train and wanted to jump off, but the train was moving too quickly and he couldn’t. Alicia didn’t know he was engaged to someone else, or anything about Amanda. He hadn’t had the guts to tell her, and wasn’t sure he ever would. She would know he was a cheat and a liar then. How would she ever respect him after that? There was no way she could, and he wouldn’t blame her for it.
For the next several weeks, they went to her apartment every night when he finished work. He even left work early a few times. He waited for her outside Hunter College when she had class, and took the subway downtown with her. They cooked dinner at her apartment, when they bothered to eat, and he got home late every night, and told Amanda he was working on a new game. He completely forgot a dinner party he was supposed to attend with her, and said he had to work that weekend, so she went to her parents’ for the weekend without him, and he stayed with Alicia. Miraculously, Amanda never found out.
He turned off his cellphone when he was with Alicia, and told Amanda it was a new policy at work. His life had become a combination of Heaven and Hell. Guilt was his constant companion, and so was desire. Passion was the driving force in their lives, and when they weren’t making love or at the gym, they were laughing together. He couldn’t remember the last time he and Amanda had laughed, and now their over-the-top gargantuan wedding had begun to seem ludicrous to him, except that too was his life. His real life, the one everyone expected of him. He couldn’t leave Alicia now. He loved her too much. But what if it was just a wild fling that would burn itself out, and his life with Amanda was the path he was supposed to be on? Anthony had never been so happy and miserable in his life, or so confused, all at once, and he had no one to talk to about it. He couldn’t admit this to anyone.
By the time he and Alicia had been dating for a month, he had lost ten pounds and looked gaunt. Amanda complimented him on it and said he looked great. His workouts were really paying off. He said it was because he was boxing now too. He loved it, and sparred with Alicia occasionally, although she was better and faster than he, and she had a mean right hook. She loved pinning him down, and then they would both laugh hysterically. She jumped rope faster than anyone he’d ever seen, and was one of the brightest women he’d ever met. But the specter of Amanda was always with him when he slept with Alicia. He tried to forget her, but he couldn’t, and he knew this couldn’t go on forever. Sooner or later he’d get caught, and he knew how wrong it was. Anthony didn’t want to hurt either of them, and he knew he didn’t want to lose Alicia. He couldn’t. Every
day he promised himself he’d deal with it, and he didn’t. He gave himself one more day with Alicia as a gift. He was using every excuse he could think of not to have sex with Amanda, and only made love with her when he couldn’t avoid it. She seemed like a different person now. But he had changed, she hadn’t. Amanda was the same as she had always been, and for now she didn’t turn him on. Alicia lit him on fire.
“Is something bothering you?” Alicia asked him one night. She was more perceptive than Amanda. He had been staring into space with a look of despair.
“Just some problems at work. Nothing important.” She nodded and didn’t press him further. They had never gone to his apartment. He hadn’t been there in months, since he’d moved in with Amanda, and he was afraid she could show up there. He told Alicia it was depressing, and he liked hers better, and she was fine with that. She believed everything he told her, she knew he was the kind of guy who would tell the truth. She had no reason to suspect otherwise. He had told her in the beginning that he’d been seeing someone when they met, but he’d never mentioned it again, so she assumed it was over. He was spending all his time with her, and staying with her on weekends. He had no time to see someone else now. Amanda was in Bronxville with her parents three days a week, on Vogue’s summer schedule. Anthony hadn’t been to Bronxville with her in a month, while claiming to be developing a new game, which he said was an intense process.
He lay in bed holding Alicia, wondering how long he could live like this. He knew he owed it to both women to clean it up. Their days were numbered and he didn’t know how Alicia would react. Tears slid down his cheeks as he thought about it. She slept in his arms and he held her tight. He never wanted to let her go, but if he lived up to his obligations to Amanda, he would have to. Leaving Alicia was going to be the hardest thing he had ever done. Thinking about it made him cry harder. He could no longer imagine the rest of his life without her. But he was going to have to face that someday. Soon.
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