by T. Styles
Tears streamed down Daffany’s face and she continued to wipe them away.
“This…is beautiful.” Daffany said. “Thank you so much. I’m gonna cherish this for as long as I live.”
“I’m glad…and the picture means something to.”
“Aw, here comes the sentimental bullshit.” Sky said.
“I’m serious. This is not just a locket suga, I put a lot of love into this gift idea.”
“What does it mean, Wayne?” Daffany asked.
“It means that I don’t know where our lives will lead us. Hell, I don’t even know if we’ll all be alive in ten years at all.” They all laughed. “But, I want you to know that even in spirit, we can’t be torn apart. Always remember that no matter what happens.”
Off Balance
Miss Wayne
I buried one of my best friends today.
Something I prayed I’d never have to do again.
I guess I was wrong.
When I heard a few raps on the bedroom door, I pulled myself out of bed, opened it, and hopped back under the covers. All I wanted to do was be alone with Raheem Davaughn’s melodic voice on the stereo system.
“Wow, you’re playing that pretty loud aren’t you?”
“I guess,” I say, the covers over my head so only my face shows.
“Are you coming downstairs? Your friends are waiting for you.” Ryan says walking fully into Miss Parade’s guestroom where I was staying.
“I’m really not in the mood. Just wanna stay in bed…you know?”
Ryan the firefighter couldn’t be more amazing. Had he not been there after hearing the news that Daffany was gone, I wonder if I would have made it. And I wonder more why he’s here, in LA with me. Once again Ryan comes to the rescue but this time he never left my side.
When he showed up at the house that night, I thought he was there to score some boy-butt like the rest of them. Turns out Adrian spotted him at the grocery store when she made a run earlier in day and invited him over. I’m so glad she did.
“I can’t say that I know what you’re going through personally,” he says after sitting on the edge of the bed touching my leg softly, “and I’m sorry you have to go through this at all. I really am.”
“I really just want to be alone right now, Ryan” I say, trying to hear him over the loud music.
“And I’m gonna give you that, but you need to listen to me right now,” he demands. He’s forceful and I like it. “I’m sick of you turnin’ me away. I’m not goin’ nowhere right now.”
“Go ‘head.”
“Wayne, I can tell you’re a good person but you have to pick yourself up right now. That girl downstairs needs you. She’s an emotional wreck, too. Not to mention that you have a Goddaughter to take care of now. You have to find that place inside to do what you gotta do.”
I want to hear him better, but the music is still loud. And I’m too lazy to turn it down and too comfortable with him touching me to suggest that he do it for me.
As I look into his eyes, I wonder how God could have brought a nicer person my way. With everything going on, the thing I miss the most is companionship. I hadn’t had a man since my ex-boyfriend raped Daffany, contracted HIV and died. But now…now…well, I wonder.
“Why aren’t you taken?” I ask sitting up straight, “Or are you?”
“Well…I was in love. Me and my partner Eddy were together for ten years and I loved him most of my life.”
“What happened?” I asked.
“He contracted AIDS and died. All I wanted to do was protect him and be there for him. Sometimes I even put my life on the line trying to make sure he’d be okay. Changing his IV’s and risking the chance of contractin’ that shit myself,” he says a little angrier. “I blamed him for a long time. He just had to be a slut and put himself out there, putting both of our lives on the line. To tell you the truth, after awhile, I was glad he got that shit.”
“That’s mean.”
“It’s also true. He was a heavy heroin user but it wasn’t always that way. He got into that shit after we were together. By the time I found out…it was too late. I was in love.”
“Are you…I mean…positive?” I asked.
“No although I can’t understand why. We were together sexually and even during his unfaithfulness, he never really left my bed. I guess God saw it fit for me to share his testimony but not his fate. Now I just take care of myself and go to work. I don’t like the gay club scene so I haven’t met anybody new. Until now.”
I smile and say, “You would make somebody a good husband.”
He grins and I can’t get over his pearly white teeth. “I don’t know about all that. I just want to spend my life with the right one…when he comes along.”
“Listen, how was you able to get away so long from work? I mean…you’ve been with me for about a week now?”
“You didn’t hear me going at it with my boss the day that we left?”
I laugh and say, “I can’t remember shit about that day.”
“Let’s just say it wasn’t easy. But, I have some vacation time I never used. It just kept accumulating. After Eddy died I threw myself into work with no break. What better time to use my vacation then now?”
Thank you God for doing me this huge favor.
“You ready to go downstairs now? It’s time to pick yourself up and face life.” He says. “I’m not gonna allow you to mope around anymore.”
He turns the music down and opens the door for me to walk ahead. While we walk down the hall, I wait for him to put his hand on the small of my back. I always know when the right man comes along when he does that one small gesture. He doesn’t do it.
Oh well.
The Earlier Years
Miss Wayne
“Wayne! Wayne!!!!! Get in here!”
Wayne runs into his mother’s bedroom and when he opens the door, she’s naked from the waist down. Feces fill her bed and urine drenches her sheets.
“Why did you shit in my bed?” She asks him.
“Ma, what are you talkin’ about?”
“You shit in my bed and put me in it! What the fuck is wrong with you?! If you not gonna act right, I want you out of my house!”
“Mama, I don’t live here anymore remember? I just came to visit you because you’re getting sicker. Where is the nurse? I thought she was supposed to stay here.”
“I put that bitch out! She was tryin’ to rape me!”
He knew that was a lie. He loved his mother dearly and even he couldn’t stand the way her vagina hummed if it wasn’t clean. Times like this made him regret not going to college like his mother begged him to. Marbel knew she was getting worst and before she forgot everything, she begged him to use the money she saved all her life for what it was intended for…his college education. Instead he spent every penny on nurses to take care of her twenty four seven, and now most of it was gone.
“Mama, that can’t be true.”
“Don’t tell me what the fuck is true! And don’t call me your mama neither! I ain’t your damn mama!”
“Mama, please. Calm down.”
Mentally Wayne was finding it hard to deal…Sky was murdered a month earlier and now his mother’s condition was failing terribly. It was discovered some years back that she suffered from progressive Alzheimer’s disease and each year she got worse.
“I don’t wanna hear that shit, nigga! You ain’t nothin’ but a lazy bastard who wants to kill me! I shoulda neva married you!”
It hurt Wayne that his mother referred to him as his father on a regular basis. It didn’t help that with age, he was starting to look more and more like a man who cheated on her consistently when they were together. He left her many years earlier.
“Mama, let me help you up. I gotta clean your bed linings.” Wayne said walking to her bedside trying to ignore her harsh words.
“I don’t want you to clean shit!” she said striking him on the arm with a closed fist.
“Mama! Stop this! Stop
doing this!”
“I want you to leave me the hell alone you black bastard! I shoulda let my sister have you since you liked to fuck her more than me anyways. Just don’t try to take my son! You hear me! Don’t try to take my baby from me!”
Unfortunately Wayne found out more about his father’s infidelities since his mother had been sick than he had when they lived together.
“Okay Marbel,” he said pulling the covers back from her legs, the smell of her own bodily fluids filling the air. “I won’t take your son from you.” It was no use in arguing with her about who he was. He had to face the facts. His mother was going to get worse before she got better.
“Get your hands off me! What are you tryin’ to do?!”
“I’m helpin’ you up so I can clean you.” He said as calmly as possible.
“Well I don’t want you helpin’ me!”
“I’m gonna help you anyway, mama. Because I love you.”
Although he had to manhandle his own mother, he was eventually able to get her into a tub of water, wash her body and replace the bed linens. But it was time to make some decisions regarding her health too. And to do that, he would have to call the one person he didn’t want to ever hear from again. His father.
Can I Call You Mama Wayne
Miss Wayne
“Shantay, I need you to sit down for a minute, baby. I have to fix your hair and put your shoes on so you can go to school.”
“But I don’t wanna go back to school.” She says dancing around. “I wanna stay here with you.”
“I understand that but you can’t stay with me today.” I say looking down into her pretty eyes. “You’ve been out of school long enough.”
“Awe, man!”
I laugh and say, “Come sit over here with me on the sofa so I can tie your shoes and do your hair.”
She does and I take the jar of green grease and brush her hair into a pretty ponytail. Then I place a yellow ribbon on her hair to keep it together.
“Are you gonna be gone when I get back?” She asks me.
“Yes…but don’t worry, I’ll be coming back to get you in a few weeks. Okay?”
“I don’t want you to leave.” She says as I put on her shoes. “If you go I won’t have nobody to talk to.”
“Nonsense. You still have Parade, Landon, Logan and the new baby Ella.”
“Ella can’t play with me yet and Landon and Logan are mean to me sometimes.”
I laugh and say, “I’m sure that’s not true because Parade and Jay not havin’ all that carryin’ on.”
“It is true...they don’t like me. They think I’m a baby.”
“How is that when you’re four and they’re three?”
“It’s true.”
“Listen I know you don’t believe me, but when you all get older, trust me, you’ll be friends for the rest of your lives.”
Shantay smiles when I say that and I feel warm inside. She looks so much like Daffany that I can’t love her any more if I tried.
“Okay.” She says doing plane motions with her arms. “Miss Wayne?”
“Yes, baby.”
“Why did mama die? Why did she go to heaven and leave me all alone? Didn’t she know that I need her?”
“You’re not alone. We talked about that just now remember?”
“Well why did she leave me without a mommy? She didn’t love me?”
“Yes, baby. Of course she did. It’s just that God needed her help in heaven. But listen,” I say pulling her to me the way my mama use to do me when we shared a couch, “I don’t want you to worry about stuff like that. I want you to focus on bein’ a kid and enjoyin’ life. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Well, let me take you to school,” I say staring down at her.
“Miss Wayne,” Shantay pauses, “can I call you Mama Wayne instead?”
“Sure you can, honey. But understand that you only have one real mommy. And even if she’s not here, she’s still shinin’ down on you from heaven.”
Shantay looks up to the ceiling and waves. “Hi, mommy. I love you.”
Reflecting On The Earlier Years
Miss Wayne
Wayne was uneasy as he waited for his father to come over the apartment he shared with his lover of the moment. He couldn’t believe he was inviting him into his home, after all the things he put him through.
Because he didn’t want to be subjected to his father’s ridicule about his clothes, earlier in the day he purchased a pair of blue slacks along with a white men’s dress shirt. Had he not, he would’ve worn one of the many too tight outfits he kept in the closet.
“What are you wearing?” his lover asked examining his apparel. He was on his way to work.
“What you mean?”
“You look like a…well…man.”
“Newsflash, I know I may tuck myself pretty good to the back honey, but at the end of the day, I’m all man.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I do…and I decided to change it up a bit. My father’s comin’ over and I’m not tryin’ to upset him.”
“Well I don’t like it.”
“And why not?” He asked putting his hands on his hips.
“Because it’s not you, Wayne. Why would you allow him come into our home and make you feel indifferent? He doesn’t deserve that kind of power, sweetheart.”
“I know.” He said with his head hung low. “But what else can I do?”
“You can remember who you are and let him worry about the rest.”
“I do know who I am! Trust me honey, nobody knows who they are more than me.”
“Good…because I’ll fuck him up if he makes you feel bad for it,” he said, grabbing his black Louis Vuitton briefcase, which Wayne bought for him during one of his credit card schemes. “When I get home tonight, I expect my baby to be here and not whoever stands before me now.”
When he left, Wayne walked into his bedroom and looked at himself in the full-length mirror. He looked bad pretending but more importantly he felt uncomfortable. Taking off the new clothes and throwing them into the trashcan, he chose to wear a pair of tight stretch jeans and a fitted white t-shirt which read, ‘Cuter than a newborn baby’, instead. Then he waited for his father to arrive.
Five minutes later, Bells knocked on the door and Wayne allowed him inside. Bells looked thin and frail and walked slower than Wayne remembered. But what Wayne couldn’t get over was the fact that they looked so much alike. It was like looking into a mirror.
“Why are you dressed like that?” Bells asked sitting on the sofa. “You look like a fucking sissy.”
“I’m dressed like this because this is me and it’s none of your fuckin’ business.”
“I don’t believe it…after all this time Marbel still didn’t do a good job of raising you. A grown ass man dressed like a ten year old chick. You’re a disgrace.”
“Look, your slights won’t hurt me anymore. Gone are the days in which I need your acceptance. I know what I am and afraid of you is not one of them.”
“You know what,” he said getting up to leave before the meeting even began, “I’m out of here. I don’t have to listen to this shit from a child I disowned a long time ago.”
Wayne felt awful because he’d hoped their meeting wouldn’t end that way. Right before Bells reached the door he said, “Dad, I need your help.”
Bells stopped but his back remained toward Wayne and his hand rested on the doorknob.
“You need help alright, but I don’t know how I can help you.”
“Well you can. Mom is sick…really sick and I don’t know what to do anymore. On paper, you both are still married and I need permission to put her in a hospital that can help her. She has Alzheimer’s.”
“Alzheimer’s?” He laughed. “Well I don’t believe any of that shit She’s probably just faking to get some attention as usual. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was her way to sit on her fat ass all day and not work.”
“Maybe that’s true,”
Wayne said biting his tongue, “but she also thinks I’m you whenever she sees my face. And considering I’m wearing a pair of stretch jeans and tight t-shirt, I think she’s far off. If that doesn’t prove she’s sick I don’t know what does.”
Silence.
“Marbel ain’t hardly my problem nomore. I gots me a young girlfriend to take care of now. What I care about an old dried up ass bitch for?”
Wayne swallowed hard. It took everything in his power not to tackle him and kick his ass. Because unlike when he was a kid, he was positive he could take him now.
“If you ever loved her, if you ever loved me, you’d help us. I don’t know what to do dad…and I need you. I’m not what you hoped for, but I’m still your son.” He continued tears rolling down his face. “She’s at the same place she was when you two last seen each other. Please go to her. Just see her and you’ll know what I’m saying is true.”
Silence.
“I’m gone. Bye, Wayne.”
Wayne didn’t know what his father would do but he certainly hoped it would be the right thing. He was his last hope.
Murder
Queen Paul
Kevin walked into the living room to see two police officers just leaving and his heart dropped.
“Oh my gawd! What did Betty Badge want with you? I mean, why are they interrogating us?” She asks staring out at the window watching them get into their unmarked squad car.
“You need to calm down, Kevin!” Paul says walking to his office. Then he takes a seat in his chair. “You bein’ real paranoid when you don’t need to be. Everything is under control.”
“But you say they wouldn’t think it was us. And that they’d think it was the drag queen slayer instead if we killed her in the same way. If that’s the case, why were they here?”
“Since you wanna be all loud and stupid, bitch, let’s talk about why they were here. He does think I had something to do with Big Boody Brandy’s death but not you. They don’t even suspect that you were there. And if they question you, act like you don’t know nothin’. All you gotta do is stay calm because it’s not even that deep. We just have to remain cool.”
