by Dianne Barr
week
And I see her dancing on the stage, then I can barely speak.
Elder daughter groans at me, 'That Look" upon her face,
Sitting with a bawling mum, the ultimate disgrace!
In the dark I watch with pride as she twirls a pirouette.
I'll take her off to dancing class because her face I can't forget.
I might not be a Ballet Mum, disco was my dance,
But she seems born to be on stage, so I'll give her every chance.
LITTLE LESS CONVERSATION
As soon as the phone rings
It's time to bump a head,
Bash the little brother,
To paint the walls bright red.
As soon as the phone rings
It's time to pick a fight,
Suddenly be starving,
Swing from the ceiling light.
As soon as the phone rings
It's time to grab a leg,
Hang on like a limpet,
Moan, grovel, whine and beg.
As soon as the phone rings
Be grateful for the chat,
'Cause when the kids a teenager
There'll be no chance of that!
KNOCK KNOCK
Who bought my son that joke book?
He's driving me insane!
Slowly reading punch lines
Time and time again!
Who bought my son that joke book?
'Cause when he comes to stay,
I'll make him bring it with him
For reading every day!
IRONING
There's no poetry in ironing
Think of the time you waste,
While flattening out those wrinkles,
You grow more on your face!
AMBITIONS OF A 3 YEAR OLD
My three-year olds life ambition,
(I smiled and wished him luck),
Was not to be an astronaut,
But to drive a garbage truck!
BING-GUMS AND FLOPPY CHEESE
It's great how having children can enhance vocabularies,
I've added some new words to mine, Bing-gums and Floppy Cheese.
When you put your Bing-gums on, you can have a lot of fun,
Splash in all the puddles when there isn't any sun.
They come in many colours and flop around your feet.
Some have pretty patterns on, winter wardrobe made complete.
Bing-gums is such a happy work, it always makes me smile.
I'd like to give it to the world and hear it all the while.
Ask a friend what food they like when visiting our place,
"Do you want some Floppy Cheese?' brings blank looks upon their face.
Floppy Cheese is really awful, you may as well eat plastic
But in the hands of children, the stuff is quite fantastic.
Roll it round your finger or flap it in the air,
Floppy Cheese is indestructible, the anti-gruyere!
These words will remind me of my children when they were small.
They have slipped into my vocabulary, and I don't mind at all.
PAPER CHASE
There's a pile in the corner, by the telephone,
As soon as it's sorted, it's miraculously regrown!
Notice from the school, requesting money for a trip,
Another from a week ago with permission slip.
Yellow sponsor sheet for the lap-a-thon,
Replacement lunch order form, for the ones that's gone.
Tickets for the disco, must be bought today,
Music levy, for the drums, is overdue to pay.
Pink rehearsal note from the ballet school,
(Has to be a pink one, how predicable!)
Official college booklets, courses for next year,
Choose your options carefully, quick think of a career!
Invitation to school cocktails at eighty bucks a head,
An unopened envelope, contents to be read.
Real estate whiz writes, "I'll sell your house today!"
Yes, easier to sell the house than to clear this pile away!
SUPERMARKET SCREAMERS
The mothers I feel sorry for,
You'll agree with me, I'm sure,
Are those whose darling two-year-olds
Scream on supermarket floors.
You can always tell what's happening,
As you're reaching for the beans,
There's a screeching and a howling
As a little darling screams.
Poor mum, she can't give in to it
So must turn and walk away,
Or the tantrum throwing two-year-old
Will throw tantrums every day.
She must handle the embarrassment
And the disapproving stares,
Ignore the awful screaming
And keep picking through the pears.
So next time your see a two-year-old
Spinning noisily in the aisles,
Don't go tut-tutting at the mother,
She needs your sympathy and smiles!
HOMEWORK
Mum, I forgot my homework!
It isn't really much,
Just one small story and
"Design a rabbit hutch"
Oh yes we have a spelling test,
But there are only seven words...
Gnat and knot and necessary,
Spelling is for nerds.
A little bit of maths
But only if I'm able,
"Learn and recite aloud
The seven times table"
You know that project on Japan
I told you about last week?
Well, I haven't really started it,
Mum, there's no need to shriek!
I've got until tomorrow
And it's only half past nine,
When this programme's over
We'll get it done just fine!
THE TODDLER
There's cereal on her forehead,
Peanut butter in her hair,
With yesterday's spaghetti
That flew in through the air.
There's a juice stain on the jumper,
I bought when travelling down south
And several globs of something
That failed to make her mouth.
There's play dough in her pocket,
Although it doesn't really show
But what's stuck to her shoe sole,
I just don't want to know
This is my little grubby girl,
All the trouble she is worth.
She only has to smile to be
The most beautiful on earth.
SCHOOL GATE
I pack the little backpack,
Brush her teeth and comb her hair,
Put in a bit of play lunch fruit
And the extra underwear.
Then in the car we clamber,
Hurry or we'll be late,
Drive her off to preschool
And take her through the gate.
I pack a larger backpack,
Shout "Brush your teeth and comb your hair!"
Put in the box of lunch things
Check the reader's still in there.
Then in the car we clamber,
Hurry or we'll be late,
Drive her to the primary school,
Kiss her at the gate.
I can't lift the enormous backpack.
Hope she's brushed her teeth and combed her hair.
She doesn't want the lunch things
With the cafeteria there.
Then in the car we clamber,
Hurry or we'll be late,
Drive her off to college
Watch her wander through the gate.
TEENAGERS
When did those little baby feet
Grow to be size nine?
I dressed you in those tiny clothes,
And now you're wearing mine.
What made you stop believing
That I was always right?
Now you have opinions
And enjoy a lengthy fight.
How can I keep you safe and well,
Like I did when you were small,
When I can't get past the attitude
You put up like a wall?
Why is it that I worry
About so many things you do?
Perhaps the simple reason is
I can see myself in you.
EYE TEST
THE BOYFRIEND
I'm standing in an airport queue,
People-watching, as you do.
A couple in front, Suit and Pearls
Have a daughter, a teenage girl.
The boyfriend comes, sorry he's late,
Got drunk last night with a mate.
Tosses back his dreadlocked hair,
Dyed blue and green, feet are bare.
Jeans so wide they're like a skirt,
An obscene message on his shirt.
He says he's only just out of bed,
Hangover pounding inside his head.
Suit and Pearls smile and chat,
Nose-ringed boyfriend just grunts back.
I watch the scene with an internal groan,
Will my daughter bring one home?
Will I be cool as Suit and Pearls?
As the boyfriend nuzzles their little girl.
Could I smile and ask him to tea?
Is he the problem, or is it me?
LOST SOCKS
Where do all the socks go?
That's what I want to know.
We have a drawer of odd ones,
Their partners rarely show.
Is there a band of puppeteers
Roaming round the land,
Stealing odd coloured socks
To put upon their hands?
Or do, at night, they simply
Get up and hop away,
Terrified that in that shoe
They'll spend another day!
They lurk in stinking silence
Beneath beds in mouldering mounds
Waiting for that fateful day
When, in terror, they are found.
Washing machines have appetites
And gobble them with care
So they can be extracted,
Two hundred dollars for repair.
Tell me where odd socks go,
Before I go around the bend.
The daughter's wearing odd ones now,
To start a fashion trend!
TO BE A MUM
There's some things that you must have
If you're to be a mum.
First the XX chromosomes
As a general rule of thumb.
When a child comes along,
One way or another,
These are a few essentials
If you're to be a mother.
Take the wisdom of a holy man,
The patience of a saint.
Be as flexible as a yogi,
At the sight of blood not faint.
You'll have to be a diplomat,
Like a psychic read all thoughts,
Have the love of a hundred angels,
Know everything that's ever taught.
You'll need to be a martyr,
Never give in when feeling sick,
Be as fair as a courtroom judge,
Have reflexes quick as quick.
If you 're not feeling up to it,
Don't' worry, it will be OK.
You'll pick it up with practice
As you lurch from day to day!
