by Justin Olson
“Oh, here he comes! Hurry, hide!” Susan says.
I dash to the baggage claim carousel—the only one in Butte—and turn my back to him. I sneak peeks over my shoulder. The door to the gate opens, and Seth appears, as handsome as ever. Not sure what I was expecting, but I’m glad he hasn’t changed. Susan waves him down.
Susan squeezes him once he gets to the baggage area. He hasn’t seen me yet, which is just what Susan and I want. It’s my moment, and in the huddling crowd, I walk past and bump him in the shoulder. “Watch it,” I say in a deep voice.
“You watch it.” He turns to face me, and his eyes light up.
“Oh yeah? What are you going to do about it?” I keep the ruse going.
“Charlie!” He laughs and gives me a hug. My feet briefly lift off the ground. “It’s so great to see you.” He laughs again. “You had me going for a minute. What are you doing here?”
I nod to Susan. “Your mom thought I should come surprise you.” I suddenly regret saying that. I want credit for coming. I don’t want him to think I couldn’t have thought about something like this on my own.
He doesn’t seem to pick up on anything negative. “I’m so glad you did.”
“See, Charlie? I told you he’d be happy to see you. Perhaps a bit happier than seeing his own mother.”
Seth smiles.
I smile.
Susan smiles.
We all probably look like a bunch of smiling goons. But I like it. This feels more like a family than anything else I’ve felt in a long time.
Seth looks me in the eyes. He winks.
SMALL BLACK BIRD
• • • • •
The ride back on the winding mountain road to Whitehall in the dark of night, through the forests of Montana, with Seth sitting next to me in the backseat, is magical.
Between looking out the window into the stillness that is an impenetrable forest, and the constant chatter of Seth telling me about Seattle, showing me his pictures on his camera, and Susan chiming in, my universe is complete.
There are moments in life when I don’t wish to be taken by aliens.
Susan pulls up in front of my dormant house, and I am shaken back to my real world. I want to hang out with Seth all night long. I want to keep driving. Keep staring out. Keep talking. Keep seeing the world. I want Seth by my side. I want Susan there too.
“I hope we’ll see you tomorrow!” says Susan.
“Night, Charlie. I’ll call you in the morning.”
I nod, and as I close the door to the car, any remaining magic evaporates, feeling almost like it never happened at all.
The walk along the walkway and into my house is cold and sobering. But as the front door sweeps open, I hear something I haven’t heard in a long time from someone inside this house: laughter. I walk to the living room, and my dad sits on his recliner—blue TV light still illuminating the room—holding a stuffed animal as Tickles tries to steal it from his grip. Tickles yelps and growls, and my dad laughs. “That all you got? Huh? Come on, dog.” He finally lets the stuffed animal go, and Tickles runs into the kitchen with it.
My dad turns to me, still chuckling. “This dog. Dammit, he’s a funny one.”
Who is this man sitting before my eyes?
He nods and then seems to realize that he has fatherly duties. “Now, where have you been?”
“Oh. I went with Susan to pick up Seth from the Butte airport.”
“Who and who?”
“Just my best friend and his mom. She works at the nursing home with Grandma.”
“You have a best friend? Why have I never heard about them before?”
I shrug. Though, I know the reason, and I don’t think any rocket scientist is needed to understand why, so I’m guessing he knows why too.
“Why don’t you let me into your life, Charlie?”
I stand there. Keeping quiet would be the best solution here. But sometimes people don’t want you to keep quiet.
“Answer me.”
“Because . . . you’re never around.”
“What are you talking about? I’m around every day.”
He stands up, and I follow him to the kitchen.
Tickles is under the old metal-legged table that we have in the center of the room. He’s wrestling around with the toy and making growling noises.
My dad fills up a glass of water at the faucet. He turns toward the table and takes a drink. “You know? I wonder if Tickles is ticklish.”
Huh. How have I never had that thought before?
My dad bends down and reaches for the stuffed animal again. Tickles growls, but my dad manages to get both the stuffed animal and the real animal out from under the table. He picks Tickles up, and the dog quickly forgets about the stuffed animal as he’s flipped onto his back. My dad holds Tickles like a baby and tickles his bare stomach. The dog squirms to get righted.
“I don’t think he’s ticklish,” I say.
“That’s only the first spot to try. What about under the ears?”
I’m suddenly jealous of the dog.
* * *
The sky again seems so black, but there I stand, looking out to the Great Beyond. I’m not sure I’m searching for a UFO at the moment. I can’t really say what I’m looking for. Maybe I’m only trying to see? But see what?
Maybe standing at this window is now more of a nightly ritual?
I’m wondering what Seth is up to. Is he sleeping? Unpacking? Should I text or call him?
He said he’d talk to me tomorrow, so I need to be okay with that.
I’m still looking out the window when I see a small black bird fly spastically around my backyard. I can’t tell you why I can see a black bird when it’s night. I know it doesn’t make sense, but I see it. And he is flying around like he’s drunk or dizzy.
I see the bird fly into one of the larger tree branches and fall to the ground. Is the bird sick? I wonder if I should go outside and see, but I’m wondering if I can even do anything for the bird.
It’s weird, because anytime before tonight I would’ve run out there without regard to consequences. In fact, I have. Many times. I’ve tried nursing many animals back to health. A bird, once. A sick squirrel. A dying rabbit. Even a frog. But as I stand looking out the window, I realize that I don’t have much control over anything. And I have even less control over myself. My life without Seth felt lonely, but now that he’s back in town, I feel confused. Things feel suddenly more complicated.
I try to see if the small black bird is moving in the grass, but I don’t see anything except darkness. I look at my phone and hope that Seth has texted me, but he hasn’t.
I mope over to bed, and I’m lying there quietly in my soft sheets when guilt hits me. I know I can’t go to sleep without checking on the bird. Even if I know I can’t do anything to save him.
My dad seems to have gone to bed, because the lights are out and the TV is off.
At the spot where the bird fell, I scan the ground and see nothing. Nothing at all. Not even the remains of a bird. I scratch my head because I could’ve sworn I saw a bird fall. A small black bird fell from the sky, and no one was there to catch him, and now he’s gone. I look up at the stars twinkling above me, feeling like they’re closer than they really are, and then head back to my room. I check my phone one last time. Hoping.
DESIRE NEVER DIES
• • • • •
The sun is setting, and I’m walking down main street with Seth. This is the first time we’ve hung out since he got back. “You want to go swimming?” he asks.
“Swimming?”
His phone vibrates. “Oh, hey, look at that,” he says with a smile. “Jennifer is having a party. She wants me to go.”
My heart flutters. Jennifer Bennett?
“Jennifer Bennett?”
“Yeah,” he says distractedly as he texts a response back.
So many questions are going through my mind right now. Why is Seth talking to Jennifer Bennett? How well does he know her?
Are they good friends? And why am I not invited? And would he rather hang out with her or me, if it came down to a decision? And why do I care?
“Want to go?” Seth asks.
“What? Me? I’m invited?”
Seth shrugs. “Sure. Why not?”
“How many times do I have to tell you that no one in this town likes me?”
Seth smiles. “I like you. So there’s at least one person.”
I laugh. “Okay. But how many others?”
Seth shrugs again. “Let’s find out.”
I shake my head. “I already know the answer.”
“I’ll be there with you. Nothing will happen.” Seth nudges me in the arm. “Come on. She said it was a small group.” He looks me in the eyes. “Please? It could be fun. Plus, Jennifer Bennett is hosting. She’ll, like, have to talk to you. Maybe you can even say a few words back.”
I smile. It’s true. She’ll have to talk to me, and maybe I’ll finally be able to talk to her, and step one of my mission could possibly be complete.
* * *
Jennifer Bennett’s backyard is beautiful, with large green trees and white lights hung throughout. It’s almost like a mini oasis in a barren world. There’s even a decent-size fishpond off to the side.
I sit down on one of the patio chairs by the fire pit. There are only four other people here, making this a pretty small party. And no one seemed to really mind when they saw me. As Seth and I made our way into her backyard, she hugged him tightly (yes, I had to look away) and said, “It’s so good to see you! How was your trip?” She saw me and let go of Seth. “Hi, Charlie.”
I nodded. When it became apparent that I wasn’t going to talk, Seth cut in and said, “He’s my plus one.” Then he winked at me.
I wasn’t entirely sure about his joke, but I didn’t dwell too much on it.
Jennifer took hold of Seth’s arm and said, “There’s so much we have to talk about. Let’s go inside and get drinks.”
That was then. He’s been with her ever since. They’re inside her house, and I feel weird about going into someone’s house uninvited. Even if there is a small party happening. So instead I am by the fire pit with Alex. He keeps glancing at me like he wants to say something.
The moment is getting more and more awkward, so I say, “How do you know Jennifer?”
“Newspaper.”
“Ah.” I study him but then look at the fire. If he doesn’t want to talk, I can busy myself. I’ve spent a lifetime doing that. I study the flames.
“Why’re you here?” he asks, breaking my trance.
“Newspaper,” I say, though we both know I’m not in the newspaper class. I turn and walk through the grass to her back porch, trying to lose the constant feeling that I’m out of my element. I shouldn’t be here. I’m a fraud. Heading to Jennifer’s house, I am dying to know what Seth is doing with Jennifer, and that’s when it hits me. Seth is doing something with Jennifer!
* * *
I nervously open the back door to Jennifer’s house and peek my head in to see what’s going on, but the kitchen is empty. The dining room is empty. “Hello?”
My word comes back to me. So I open the door wider.
I hear laughter coming from down the hallway, so I trudge off in that direction. I realize that Seth and Jennifer are in her room, and I lean against the wall to listen. I don’t want to interrupt them, but I also want to interrupt them. Though, I secretly want to hear what they’re talking about before I interrupt. I want them to confirm that I shouldn’t be here. That Seth doesn’t really want me around. Even though I know it’s a ridiculous thought.
All I can hear is laughing, and then I hear Seth say, “I better go find Charlie.”
“Can I ask, What do you see in him?” asks Jennifer.
My heart beats out of my chest.
A toilet nearby flushes, and the door opens. Samantha sees me listening and leaning up against the wall. “What are you doing, loser?” she asks.
“Me?”
She’s standing in front of me. Arms crossed. Blinking. “Uh, yeah.”
“Uh. Waiting for the bathroom.”
“Ugh. Whatever.” She walks into Jennifer’s bedroom. “Creepo Charlie out there was spying on you.”
Both Seth and Jennifer come out into the hallway. I shake my head. “I was just waiting for the bathroom.”
Seth’s face grows red. “Did you hear anything?”
I wonder if I should say yes or no. I mean, I didn’t really hear anything. But maybe I should claim to have heard it all so that he confesses to something? Frankly, I don’t fully understand what’s happening.
Despite wanting to say yes, I shake my head.
Seth breathes a huge sigh of relief.
I point to the bathroom. “I’m just gonna . . .” I head to the bathroom.
* * *
I’m standing around the fire again, but this time Seth is by my side. Jennifer is across from me.
“Let’s get the party started!” I hear. Shouts and calls of “Whoop!” follow, and I turn to see the Ass Trio walking into Jennifer’s backyard.
“Shit,” I whisper under my breath. But they haven’t seen me yet. I’m especially concerned about Psych, who will probably want to kick my ass. I turn to Seth. I find myself tugging the sleeve of his T-shirt. “We need to go.”
Jennifer is already heading over to them. They are holding at least four six-packs of beer. Where did they get them, I wonder. But actually I don’t care, because I just want to get away before they see me.
“Don’t worry, Charlie. They won’t bother you.”
I also remember the last thing Joey told me: “Next time bring your boyfriend.”
I’m worried for Seth as much as I’m worried for myself.
I pull him to me and whisper. “They want to beat us both up.”
“Is that right?” Seth looks at Joey. He doesn’t seem frightened by that news.
“Come on, Seth. Let’s go. It’s for our own protection.”
Seth isn’t interested in leaving, and I plead with him before the three assholes get to the fire. The night is dark enough that they can probably only see our silhouettes, and I guarantee that they aren’t expecting to see Charlie Dickens at a party thrown by Jennifer Bennett. I’m still not sure I believe it. And I’m still unnoticed.
“I have to go,” I say. And I dart away from the fire pit, in the opposite direction of the Ass Trio.
I hear Seth shout out, “Charlie?”
And I hear Joey say, “Is that little Charles Dickens?”
But I’m gone before I can hear anything else. This is not the summer adventure I was hoping for. I don’t want to leave Seth, but if he wants to put himself in danger, there’s nothing I can do to stop him.
* * *
I quickly walk past the quiet shuttered storefronts. I want to get home before anything can possibly happen.
I hear Seth running up behind me. “Charlie! Wait!” He’s slightly out of breath.
I can’t stop thinking about what’s stuck in my head. “What’s going on?” I ask as I keep walking.
Seth reaches me and grabs my shoulder. “What do you mean?”
“Why did you not want me to know what you were talking about with Jennifer?”
Seth studies my sincere face. “Because.”
“Oh.” I feel like he’s completely disregarding my feelings or something. “I see.”
Seth turns away. “I’d rather not say right now. Is that okay?”
I nod. But now I just want to know more than ever.
A question picks at my chest. “Do you love her?”
“What?” Seth seems shocked. “She’s just a friend, Charlie.”
Do I believe him? I nod again. “Well, I better get home.”
“Can I join you?”
“Don’t you want to stay at the party? You seemed pretty intent on staying near imminent danger.”
“I don’t want to be there if you’re not there to keep me company. And I’m not a
fraid of Joey.”
I find myself pissed. “Seems like Jennifer Bennett is enough company for you.” I walk away in a huff.
Seth catches up with me. “Charlie, come on. That’s not fair. I haven’t seen or talked to her in weeks.”
I shake my head. “Whatever.”
“Why are you mad?” he asks.
I don’t know. I have no idea why I’m so pissed off right now. But I am. “I just want to be left alone,” I say. Seth stops walking with me. I notice that and stop walking and turn to him. What am I doing? I’m messing up my friendship for no good reason. “I’m sorry. Can I talk to you tomorrow?”
“I’d like that.”
I study the concern on his face, and yet I just have to be alone even if I don’t really know why. So I walk away. Tonight’s sky on the lonely road back home: Torn to Pieces by Some Cosmic Undoing.
NO ONE’S INNOCENT WHEN HEARTS ARE BROKEN
• • • • •
My bed doesn’t feel as comfy tonight, but I enjoy petting Tickles, who is lying on my bed at the moment. I’m surprised my dad hasn’t stolen Tickles for his bed again. Though, he’s not home yet, so I imagine it could still happen.
You know, it feels pathetic to always be home earlier than your parent. At least that’s how I feel. I should be the one out late.
My phone buzzes, and it’s Seth.
I don’t answer. I don’t know why I’m so pissed off, but I am. It’s bothering me that I’m so angry with my best friend.
“You’ll be my best friend, won’t you, Tickles?” I scratch behind his ears, and he seems happy. “We need to go see Geoffrey tomorrow. I bet you miss him, huh? He’s been in the hospital for far too long.”
My phone buzzes again.
I hit ignore. Besides, it’s about time to look out the window and up to the sky.
CHOKE
• • • • •
