Lena left me. With no reason. She simply froze me out.
I had no loyalty to her.
Liar.
I shoved aside the awful feeling of dread and heartache and responded to Sheila.
Of course, you will. I look forward to it.
**
It seemed I was the last to arrive. The backroom at Sweet Lila’s was so full I could barely see anyone but I could hear people singing bad Christmas songs on the Karaoke machine.
I was greeted by people as I made my way to the bar, keeping one eye open for Lena.
“I was beginning to think you were blowing us off.” I was pulled into a hug that smelled slightly of gin.
“I’d never blow you off, Meg. You wouldn’t let me,” I joked, giving Adam’s fiancé a kiss on the cheek.
She playfully punched me in the gut. “You know it. Now come with me and get a drink and help me save Adam from being bored to death. Nolan Rigby has him cornered and is talking his ear off about the dangers of legalizing marijuana.”
I chuckled. “Sure, let me order a drink first.”
We made our way to the bar and it was then that I saw her.
Marlena was tucked in the corner talking to Kyle Webber. Their heads were bent close together and I didn’t like how they seemed to be practically in each other’s laps. I liked Kyle. Always had. He was a straight-up dude. But I didn’t appreciate how close he was to my woman.
Correction.
Not my woman.
Never had been.
“Double shot of whiskey. Make it neat,” I called out to the bartender.
“What are your plans for Christmas?” Meg asked, though I barely heard her. I was too busy watching Lena and Kyle like some sort of stalker.
“What?” I asked, distractedly.
Meg followed my line of vision. “Ahh, it all makes sense.” I didn’t want to ask her what she meant by that.
It seemed I was doing a bang-up job keeping the whole thing with Lena on the down-low.
“They’re only friends, you know,” Meg informed me as if I needed to hear it.
Did I?
Yes. Yes, I did.
“Who?” I played dumb. And badly.
Meg snorted, taking a sip of her mixed drink. I downed my double shot of whiskey in one go then promptly ordered another. “Kyle and Lena. The two people you’re staring holes into.”
I purposefully turned my back on them. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I knocked back the whiskey, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. I was feeling buzzed. I needed the insulating warmth of drunkenness to make the night bearable. “Come on, let’s go find Adam.”
But I didn’t follow Meg. Instead, I veered off to the right and headed straight to where Lena and Kyle were sitting.
“Hello,” I said slowly, with a shit-eating grin.
Kyle looked up and I swore his expression was hesitant. As if I had caught them talking about me. “Am I interrupting?” My words were slurring slightly, and I sounded belligerent.
Lena wouldn’t look at me. She kept her eyes on her drink, swirling a straw in what looked like ice water. I’d never known Marlena to go to a bar and drink fucking ice water.
“Hey, Jeremy. Good to see you.” Kyle stood up and held out his hand for me to shake. I ignored him. I didn’t care that I was being rude to a guy I was more or less friends with. I turned my attention to Lena.
“Cat got your tongue?” I tapped my hand on the table, startling her.
Finally, she looked at me. Her eyes appeared red and puffy as if she had been crying. Why would she be crying? I looked from her to Kyle, who had come to stand close again. As if he were trying to protect her. From me? What the hell?
“What do you want, Jeremy?” Her voice was weak and raspy, and she sounded tired. I ached to reach out and touch her. To hold her. To make her feel better.
“Can’t a guy say hello to his co-worker? Do I need a reason to come over?” I narrowed my eyes distrustfully. “Or should I leave the two of you alone?”
Kyle and Lena shared a look that was meant for the two of them alone. I saw red. With my alcohol haze, I was tempted to deck Webber.
“I think maybe I should give you guys a minute,” Kyle said, starting to back away.
I said “yeah” at that same time Lena said “no.” I glared at her. She glared back.
“Um…” Kyle didn’t seem to know what to do.
“There you are. I’ve been looking for you.” A hand touched my arm. Sheila was at my side, smiling a little unsurely.
“Hey there,” I greeted, giving her my sexiest smile. I looked at Lena, just to make sure she saw the exchange. I should have felt good that she was watching us, looking less than happy. But it didn’t. I felt horrible.
But she didn’t want me. Her thoughts on the matter were immaterial.
Liar.
I put my arm around Sheila’s waist and pulled her close. Sheila seemed surprised, as she should have been. I hadn’t touched her in months.
“You look good,” I purred in her ear, bending close. This felt all wrong. I wanted to drop my arm immediately, I shouldn’t be touching her. This wasn’t right.
Instead, I ordered another drink from the waitress as she walked by. “You want anything, babe?” I asked Sheila, though I was looking at Lena.
She looked like she was going to throw up. Kyle said something to her quietly. He put his hand on her back. I was going to explode.
I brushed Sheila's hair behind her shoulders, my fingers lingering on the bare skin of her upper back. “Appletini, right?” I asked her, remembering that was her drink of choice.
Sheila didn’t seem pleased at my memory. She frowned. Looking from me to Lena. “Sure,” was all she said.
“How are things with you? It’s been too long. Far, far too long.” I let the unspoken invitation hang in the air.
God, I hated myself. What was I doing?
The waitress brought my third drink. I barely tasted it as I swallowed it in one gulp.
I couldn’t take my eyes off Lena, who was looking more and more upset but trying to hide it.
Unable to stand the sight of Marlena’s glassy eyes, I dropped my hand from Sheila’s back. I didn’t want to touch her anyway. I shouldn’t be using her like this. It wasn’t fair. I only wanted to touch one woman.
Lena stood up abruptly, almost knocking her chair over. She said something to Kyle and then excused herself, heading for the side door.
Kyle gave me a look of pure disgust and walked away.
I felt my whole-body sag in defeat. This was not what I wanted. What I wanted—who I wanted—was walking out the door.
“I’m sorry, Sheila. I need to—I’ve got to go find—” My brain was a mess. I couldn’t finish my sentences and the alcohol wasn’t helping.
“Go after her,” Sheila said. “I know that’s what this is all about. I’m not dumb. I’ve come far enough in a male-dominated field to recognize when a man’s focus isn’t on me.” She didn’t sound sad or self-deprecating.
“I’m sorry, Sheila. I shouldn’t have used you like that. It’s not fair—God, what is wrong with me?” I scrubbed my face with my hands, wishing I could think clearly.
She patted my arm. “You’re in love. It makes the best of us act like morons. Now go get Lena before she leaves. And if you care about her, don’t play stupid games with her.”
“You’re right. Thanks, Sheila.” I squeezed her hand and rushed toward the exit. I hurried outside and stopped, scanning the parking lot. I saw Lena by the entrance, tapping at her phone.
“Marlena!” I called out.
She glanced up, her expression stony. “Go away, Jeremy. I can’t deal with whatever drama you’re bringing with you. Go back inside and keep Sheila Moore company.”
I practically ran to her, stumbling over my feet. “Don’t go. Please. Just talk to me.” I took hold of her arms and turned her to face me. “Tell me what’s going on, damn it.” My frustration was at war with my desp
eration for her. It made for a dangerous cocktail of emotions.
“I can’t—” she started to sob. Why was she crying? Fucking hell, what was up with her?
“Yes, you can, damn it! We care about each other. I haven’t looked at another woman since that first time—”
“Well, give the man a medal,” she snapped, trying to pull away.
“Stop it, just stop it, alright! I only want you. No one else. You’re it, Marlena. And I’m it for you, too.” I’d make her see I was right. She knew as well as I did that we were meant for each other. That we loved each other. Adam and the rest of the world could go to hell.
“It’s not just you and it’s not just me. There’s more going on than our feelings and what we want,” she exclaimed, her voice rising in a near shriek.
“No, there isn’t. That’s all that matters! Don’t you see that? Stop being stubborn and—”
“I’m pregnant, Jeremy!” she screamed. Her face crumpled and tears started dripping down her face. “I’m pregnant, god damn you,” she ended in a whisper.
And just like that, the world crumbled beneath my feet.
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say. I stood there dumbstruck, my mouth gaping open like a fish.
“There’s no way. We’ve always been careful,” I argued.
Lena wiped her eyes and gave me a look that would reduce normal men to rubble. “Not every time, you idiot,” she growled.
She was right. Of course, she was. But I couldn’t formulate any coherent thoughts. Words swirled around in my head and unfortunately, they came out of my mouth.
“And it’s mine?”
Why the fuck did I say that? I didn’t, for one second, believe Lena had been with anyone else. I knew she hadn’t been. She wasn’t that kind of woman. And what we had wasn’t a cheap roll in the sack. I knew the second I said it that it was, hands down, the worst possible thing I could say. I was an absolute fucking moron.
Her face paled and she looked positively stricken. I needed to take it back. God, I’d give anything to rewind time to thirty seconds ago and stop myself from making the biggest mistake of my life.
Without a word, she slapped me. Hard enough to crunch my teeth together. My lip split and I tasted blood. I lifted a hand to my cheek. It felt hot and swollen. Damn the girl could pack a punch.
“Marlena—”
“How dare you! How fucking dare you!” she said so quietly I could barely hear her. She closed her eyes and when she opened them again, she wasn’t crying. She wasn’t upset. She was deadly calm. And she stared at me as if seeing me for the first time. And she didn’t like what she saw.
I felt two inches tall.
“Don’t ever talk to me again, Jeremy Wyatt. Stay the hell away from me.” She stormed away, never looking back. I felt cemented to the spot. Unable to move.
Stay the hell away from me...
The finality of her words hit me like a sledgehammer.
“You fucking asshole.” I felt the fist to my jaw before I saw it coming. I landed on my ass in the snow.
I looked up to find Adam towering over me, his face an alarming shade of red. Shit had officially hit the fan. Meg pulled on his arm. “Stop it, Adam. Don’t. Not here.”
He pulled me up to my feet by the front of my shirt. “I told you to stay the fuck away from my sister. I knew you’d hurt her. I knew you’d break her heart. You’re a selfish piece of shit, Wyatt,” Adam shouted in my face.
“It wasn’t like that. I care about her—”
“You got her pregnant, you jizz stain!” And then he punched me again and I didn’t bother to defend myself. I deserved everything he dished out and more.
People filtered out of Sweet Lila’s, wanting to see what drama was unfolding. Meg cupped Adam’s face. “Think about, Lena. We have to go make sure she’s okay,” she reasoned.
He nodded, but he didn’t relax. His body was tense, and he stared at me with a loathing I never thought I’d see from him. “You betrayed me. And you betrayed, Lena. You betrayed this firm. You’ve ruined everything.” His voice cracked and I knew I had hurt him too.
Rob stood there in disbelief, looking from me to Adam and back again. “Adam, take a breath. We should all sit down and talk about this—”
“There’s nothing I want to say to him,” Adam spat out. “He’s made his bed. Let him lie in it.” He took Meg’s hand and followed in the direction Lena had gone.
Rob held out his hand, but I refused to take it, slowly getting to my feet. I felt warmth on my chin and touched it, my fingers coming away red from blood. I carefully ran my tongue along my teeth to make sure they were all still there considering the Ducate siblings had used my face as a punching bag.
The crowd had dispersed once the scene was over. I was left alone with Rob who stood there, hands in his pockets, quietly watching me.
“There’s no coming back from this, is there?” I asked, feeling hollow inside. I could barely make sense of the wreckage I had created for myself.
Rob shrugged. “Give ‘em time. Both of them. Tempers are hot right now.”
“She’s pregnant,” I said, still having a hard time wrapping my head around it.
“So I heard,” Rob retorted.
“I’m going to be a dad.” The reality hit me hard. I was going to be a father. Good God.
“What if I can’t? What if I don’t know how?” I covered my face with my hands wishing I hadn’t had so much to drink. The world was starting to tip sideways.
Rob took my arm and led me toward his car. “You should probably have thought about that before dancing without your sock on.” He opened the passenger side of his beat-up car and practically shoved me inside.
“Marlena’s pregnant, Rob,” I repeated as he was driving us away from Sweet Lila’s.
“Yep. Marlena’s pregnant. And you’re going to have to figure out what you’re going to do. But I would recommend sobering up and coming at this with a clear head because from what I saw tonight, you were a total asshole.” He turned down my street and came to a stop outside my apartment building.
“I asked if it was mine,” I admitted, feeling sick.
Rob made a noise of distaste. “Man, that’s low. Even for you.”
“I didn’t mean to ask it. I know it’s mine. It was a reflex. God, I didn’t mean it.” I clenched my hands into fists wishing I could hit something.
“Sounds like you have a hell of a mess to clean up,” was all he said. Because what else was there to say?
“I can’t lose her.” I sounded sad and pathetic and I didn’t care because I was all of those things and worse.
“I don’t think that’s your choice, Jeremy,” Rob replied sagely.
“What am I supposed to do?” I wasn’t the kind of guy to look for advice from anyone. Not because I thought I had all the answers, but because it was hard to look someone in the eye and acknowledge that I needed help. My mother never asked for it because she was ashamed. My father would never ask for it because that would force him to admit that he was a shit husband and father.
I had horrible role models when it came to healthy, functional relationships. What did I know about being a good dad or partner? Not a goddamn thing.
Was I willing to learn?
For Lena, I thought so.
But I was crippled by feelings of inadequacy, that no matter what I did, I’d screw everything up. I wouldn’t be able to live knowing I had messed up my kid’s life the way my dad had messed up mine.
Rob lifted a shoulder. “I don’t know. I think this is something you’re going to have to figure out on your own. But I’m going to tell you to not be so hard on yourself.”
I laughed without humor. “You’re probably the only person in Southport who would say that right now.”
“Probably. But I know you, Wyatt, and you’re not a bad guy. A misguided guy, sure, but definitely not a bad guy. And you love Lena. I can see that. Give Adam time, he’ll see that too.” Rob sounded so sure. I had never
appreciated his friendship until that very moment. He didn’t say much, choosing to stay out of the fray. But when he spoke, his words mattered. “And take it from someone who knows, living a lie wears on your soul. It’s always better to be honest with the people you care about.”
“Do you want me to ask what you mean by that?”
“Nope,” was all he said.
I nodded. “Thanks, man. I appreciate it. And the lift home.”
“Anytime.”
Rob was right, I was going to have to figure this one out on my own.
I only hoped it wasn’t too late.
Chapter 18
Jeremy
My life felt like it was at a standstill.
It was the end of the year; I had no cases on the docket until the new year, so I had days with nothing to do.
Not wanting to face Adam or Lena, I took some time off, cashing in vacation time I never used. I had been holding on to that time to use on a trip to Cancun or something but avoiding the Ducates seemed like a better idea than a sun-filled holiday.
I knew I needed to talk to Lena. She had left the Christmas party with the idea firmly implanted in her mind that I wanted nothing to do with being a father. And while the concept unleashed waves of fresh horror every time I thought about it, I knew I had to speak with her. I should have asked how she was feeling. What she wanted to do about it. Instead, I had gone home with my tail tucked firmly between my legs and gone into hiding.
What was she going to do about the pregnancy? That was the most important question.
Ultimately it was her choice. I was enough of a new age guy to know that while my opinion mattered, it was her body, her decision. And whatever she wanted, I was behind her 100%.
So why hadn’t I rushed over to her place and tell her that? To beg for her forgiveness and to assure her, emphatically, that I would support her?
Because I was a giant pile of chicken shit with a healthy dose of wounded pride.
Adam had emailed me only once in the days afterward to say he had received my vacation request and he and Rob had approved it. We had established early on a checks and balances system that required all three of us to sign off on just about everything, including time off.
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