With Anika now asleep, I leave Sunny to keep watch while I lock the door behind me. The house might be clear, but I’m on edge here in a way I wasn’t at Cobain’s safe house. Something about this location in the woods unsettles me. The sooner we return to the road, the better.
NERI
Long ago, I learned to kill without mercy or guilt. The people running this safe house were a threat to my family. They would have destroyed us for money. I destroyed them for love. I refuse to feel shame over that decision.
After dealing with the bodies, Cobain watches me as we stand in the kitchen. Robin sits nearby, growling at the hallway where the other animal occasionally barks.
“I didn’t know they had a dog,” I say to break the silence.
Under the fluorescent kitchen lights, Cobain’s dark eyes give off a menacing vibe. He refuses to speak. I wish I better understood why Cobain behaves the way he does, but I’m afraid asking will only reveal answers I won’t want to hear.
“What happens when we leave?” I ask, still hoping to break the silence. “I assume you’ll want to burn down the house to ensure there’s nothing of us left behind.”
Cobain finally relents to my questioning. “We’ll let the fucking thing loose before we set the fire.”
“Why are you angry with me?”
“The world doesn’t revolve around you, Neri James.”
Cobain seeks to intimidate me, but I’ve seen his real face. This scowling one is a mask he wears. I reach over to caress his jaw, and Cobain proves I’m right.
A man his size shouldn’t move with such silent speed, but he has his lips against mine almost instantly. I soak in the heat of his greedy embrace. When I waited in the room—knowing Kai and Cobain were on the hunt—my heart remained coldly steady. Now it beats wildly, celebrating we’re alive.
“You distract me,” he says, peeling himself from my body.
“You distract me, too, Cobain.”
Upon hearing his name on my lips, he kisses me again. I relish the power I have over this man. I wonder if he feels the same way about how weak he makes me.
“My brother is coming,” I whisper when we part. “What do you suggest we do next?”
“Get rid of him, so I can fuck you.”
I smile at his frustrated growl. “Where do we go next if everyone is looking for us?”
My brother arrives in the kitchen doorway as I finish my question. Cobain frowns at Kai, viewing him as an obstacle in regaining access to my body.
“Should we leave now or at dawn as planned?” Kai asks Cobain.
Having us relinquish power to him nearly inspires Cobain to smile. Of course, my brother doesn’t care who’s in charge as long as he gets what he wants.
On his phone, Cobain pulls up a map of the western states we need to drive through to reach a major airport.
“The green dots are safe houses affiliated with the Arizona Moving Company. As you can see, the closest one is nearly a thousand miles away. We can’t make that in one day, especially since we’ll need to zigzag to avoid obvious hot spots.”
“Define hot spots,” I ask.
“The bounty on you will appeal to any local militia. We’re currently in the territory of a group of Aryans. I can’t remember what they call themselves anymore since they change their name every time they get sued.”
Cobain rests his phone on the table and frowns at where the Rottweiler barks again. “This entire area is a no man’s land. Just using the back roads won’t be enough. We’ll be noticed everywhere we go. That’s why I think we need to change up our plan and travel at night. People will always notice us, so we need to be out when there are fewer people to notice.”
“Then we’ll leave this evening.”
“Then drive all night and find a place to bunk for most of the day. Our next stop should be a motel. None of the safe houses is an option between here and the one run by the Arizona Moving Company.”
“Can any safe house be trusted?” Kai asks, glancing up at the ceiling and thinking about his woman and child. “Arizona said they won’t take the job, but are their people bound to that?”
“No. We’re independent contractors, staying at Arizona-affiliated houses. Meaning, they control the property, not the staff. The people at the next safe house could turn on us, sure. I’m more worried about getting there without drawing the attention of every armed-to-the-teeth good old boy looking to make money by killing foreigners.”
Kai studies the map and nods. “I agree with your plan to travel at night.”
“I hope you’re feeling as fucking agreeable about this next part,” Cobain says, and Kai reveals the smallest frown. If the big man wants to agitate my brother, he’ll need to use all his tricks. Kai James doesn’t fluster easily. “You need to do to your hair whatever the fuck she did to hers.”
Kai gives me a mild smile. “Is there bleach left?”
“Yes, in a supply case.”
“Then I’ll bleach my hair before we leave tonight.”
“I insist on helping,” I say, fighting giggles.
Kai smirks at my enthusiasm while Cobain looks at his phone. “Let’s hope no one shows up at this house before we leave. These assholes were dealers. The last thing we need is junkies adding to the body count.”
“I feel optimistic,” I say, very excited to bleach Kai’s hair. “But I think we should rest now. Sunny is likely worried upstairs alone.”
Inching backward, Kai nods. “We’ll contact Papa in the morning to learn more about the people at the next safe house. He can give us a better sense of what awaits our arrival.”
Cobain frowns. “He can tell you whatever you want, but I don’t care if someone was his best fucking friend in high school. No one can be trusted outside of the people currently in this house.”
Kai gives me a look that I understand immediately. If the bounty was put on our heads before we arrived at his safe house, Cobain might have killed us on sight. Now, though, he views himself as one of the hunted.
“I’ll see you whenever Anika wakes later,” Kai tells Cobain and gestures for me to follow.
“Cobain and I will remain downstairs, just in case we have visitors,” I tell my brother. “I’ll sleep down here on the couch while he enjoys the recliner.”
Despite his disapproval, Kai chooses not to argue. He might understand how Cobain will relax and sleep deeper if I’m nearby. Besides, Kai knows arguing with me is often a waste of time, and he’s in a hurry to return to Sunny and Anika.
Once we’re alone again, I walk to the living room where I turn on a small lamp and study the country-style décor. The people who chose to hang these ugly fishing paintings are now dead. I can’t say the world will suffer much from their absence.
Robin rests on the floor next to the couch where I sit. Cobain lingers at the kitchen doorway, watching me.
“If it helps you relax, we can enjoy a quick tryst,” I offer and pat the spot to my right.
Cobain doesn’t move. He and I watch each other until Robin begins to snore.
“You won’t survive to see Guatemala,” he says.
I only smile, ignoring his attempt to upset me. If he were sharing a harsh truth, he would get the name of my country correct. This is more male aggression to prevent me from expecting too much from him.
“I had many boyfriends in Guatemala,” I say and tug off my boots. “They bought me things and took me out on the town. It was fun. However, I never cared if they craved me.”
“Why do you think I want to hear about that shit?”
Finding his gaze, I murmur, “I care if you crave me.”
Cobain flicks off the kitchen light and prowls closer. “What do you think happens next?”
“You either agree to remove your pants, or you don’t. I see no third option.”
His gaze studies the room. Not for possible threats. Cobain is searching for answers to the questions in his large, angry head.
“My mother was murdered by her lover,” he says and sw
itches off the lamp I turned on earlier. “He stared into her eyes while strangling the life from her.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I watched him do it.”
No words can sum up how I feel. Instead, I simply say his name and hope he understands. Cobain doesn’t descend into tears over a long-ago memory. He only sits on the other end of the couch.
“People in our business often kill their lovers,” he mutters after a minute of silence.
“How many have you murdered?”
“Nine,” he says instantly.
I fight the urge to roll my eyes at his lie. “How did you end up in this line of work?”
“Priscilla took me in after my mother died. She was rich and gorgeous but lacked a heart. Yet she saw my potential. I was her bodyguard and lover. When Priscilla grew bored of me in her bed, she sent me out to do her dirty work. I was in Greece when she died in Cairo in a manner very similar to my mother.”
“Did you love her?”
“I’ve never loved anyone besides my mother, and I don’t think I lost much sleep over her death.”
“Do you think I’ll murder you, Cobain?”
His blank expression shifts into an annoyed one. “As if you could.”
“Oh, I don’t know. I’m unbearably sly,” I whisper and crawl toward him. “I’m like a cat, waiting to trip their beloved owner at the top of the stairs. Down you’ll fall, cursing my name and wondering why I played you so coldly.”
Cobain doesn’t want to lower his guard. He’s smart to distrust me and keep his heart safe. We’re on the run. Eventually, one of us might have to cut the other one loose to survive. We both know I’m more likely to hurt him than he is me. To protect my brother, I’m willing to destroy just about anyone.
But being on the run also means we might not see tomorrow. And here we are, alone in a dark room with our bodies pressed together. Why not enjoy a taste? Our hearts can grow hard and cold in the morning sun. But in the dark, we’ll pretend there’s only us and no tomorrow.
≫THREE SPENT SHELLS≪
SUNNY
The wickedness in my heart drowns all my hopes. Kai entered my life so randomly, changing everything with so little effort. Why couldn’t he disappear as quickly?
What would I do if the sun rose without him returning? I don’t know where we are or who to turn to in this world. In so many ways, I’m as much of a child as when my father brought me to the homestead years ago.
Next to me, Anika remains unbothered by what happened. She didn’t understand how the loud noise was a gunshot or that a man died outside the door. Anika just wants to sleep. Cuddled against my body, she doesn’t worry about anything.
The darkness in my heart warns that Kai will die because he met me. I’m not worth his suffering. He should have left us behind.
Then I’m reminded that my baby would have grown up to be raped and forced to birth children she didn’t know how to raise. Did I want that for her?
No, but then the darkness claims I’m willing to sacrifice Kai for Anika’s happiness. No matter what I think, the ugliness in my head makes me feel guilty.
I crawl away from a sleeping Anika and sit at the end of the bed. With my knees pressed to my chest, I wrap my arms around my legs and close my eyes. I need to stop feeling. Kai made me think my happiness mattered. That I should express myself and stop hiding.
But he’s wrong. My feelings are bad. They distract me. I want to be numb. I need to stop hoping. I must accept that I cause bad things to happen. I brought this trouble on Kai and Neri and then Cobain. My inability to get in righteous standing at the homestead is why Anika suffered. I fail at everything. I poison the lives of everyone I touch. My father died because I couldn’t behave. Did he love me? Was he really bad, or did I make him push me away?
The sight of Kai at the doorway should scare away my dark thoughts, but he’s only a reminder of how I’ve ruined his life. He was on vacation. Now he’ll die, and his parents’ hearts will break. All because of me.
Without saying a word, Kai guides me out of the room and to the hallway where the man died. His blood is probably under my feet, and he’s dead because I came to this place.
“I’m bad,” I say, pushing away Kai’s hands. “I did this.”
I don’t want him to hold me. I’m why Kai can’t go home. I ruin things. They told me at the homestead that I was why my mom died. I made her sick. If I didn’t change, I’d kill Anika too. Now I’m the reason Kai will die. I destroy everyone.
“Fear is normal,” he says in that soft, calm voice he always uses. “Shame is too. Your life was steeped in those negative feelings. Soon, you’ll be somewhere safe, where you can learn new feelings.”
“We’re never going to get there,” I whimper. “It’s so far away, and we drive for so long, and we never get any closer. We’re going to die.”
Kai won’t let me push him away. He holds me in his arms until I stop fighting. I submit like I did with the men at the homestead. I tried to fight them, but they hurt me, and I wanted the pain to stop. Making my heart dead helped, but then I had Anika, and I couldn’t be completely cold. I had to feel something for her. Now Kai wants me to feel everything.
“I’m sin,” I whisper in the dark hallway as his strong arms hold me against his body. “I cause bad things to happen.”
“Those cult people think music is a sin. They think Anika’s toys are sins. They think smiling and laughing are sins. They think love is a sin. They’re idiots because those things make life worth living. If you’re a sin in their eyes, it’s only because you’re bright and wild in their world filled with dull, weak people. You’re not like them. That’s what I saw in your eyes at the roadside stand. You called to me, and I couldn’t walk away.”
“But now you’re going to die.”
“No.”
That one word said so calmly as if I’m silly to consider such a thing.
“They’re coming after us,” I whisper, wanting him to admit we’re doomed. “They won’t give up.”
Kai brushes his lips against my forehead, and I want to push him away. I hate feeling lust. Desire is bad. Everything good is bad. I need to stop feeling, but he woke up my body and mind that first day. Now they won’t return to sleep.
“We’ll drive more,” he says, remaining calm despite my willful nature. “We’ll stop in not such nice places. I’ll kill people who stand in our way. We’ll feel fear and anger at times. Soon, we’ll arrive at an airport. You know what that means, don’t you?”
“That’s where the airplanes park.”
“Yes, and we’ll fly home. It’ll be a long flight, and you won’t like it. Your ears will feel weird, and your stomach might get upset. Anika will probably cry. Then we’ll land and drive again. This time from the airport to our house in Playa Cielo. But once we arrive, we’ll never have to leave. You’ll be home.”
I finally submit to the urge to wrap my arms around his waist and lean into his embrace. “I can’t fight or shoot a gun. When bad people attack, I can’t do anything. I just hide.”
“Anika needs you to protect her. If she’s crying or won’t hide, I’ll lose focus. What you do matters. You keep her calm, and that keeps me calm. I shoot better when I don’t worry.”
As his fingers slide down my spine, the dark thoughts fade. Feeling brave, I nuzzle my lips against his chest. His heartbeat feels strong and steady. Kai won’t lose control. He’ll kill the bad people and get us to his magical home far away.
“I love you,” I say, staring up at him. “I’ll learn to be whoever you want me to be. You’re the best person I’ve ever known. I’ll do whatever you want because you make me happy.”
Kai hesitates. It’s like he wants to say one thing but changes his words to something else. “I love you too,” he whispers. “The world feels like madness right now, but it’s only been a few days. Imagine how much will change once we’re home.”
Thanks to Kai, I can imagine escaping the Children of the Black Sun. I even see
the beach in my mind again. I hold on to Kai as we return to the room and rest in bed on each side of Anika. As we did last night, we’re comfortable like a family. Kai often reaches over Anika to touch my cheek or lips. He always reminds me that he’s near, and I’m in his thoughts.
Once again, the wickedness in my mind retreats, and I embrace hope.
COBAIN
I don’t trust Neri. A weak woman like Sunny is safe. Of course, I don’t crave her type. I desire a dangerous woman willing to stab me in the heart.
Earlier, Neri didn’t hesitate to shoot through the door at my instruction. Not out of fear or trust. She kills because killing is nothing to her.
My mother raised me to feel similarly about the world. Kill or be killed, steal or be stolen from, destroy or be destroyed. The world was ugly, dangerous, and cold. Love was merely a chemical reaction that forced humans to attach themselves to others. Loving me was a weakness she never forgave herself for. My mother believed her cold heart would protect her. She was wrong.
Neri was raised by a killer, so it means nothing for her to take lives. She reveals no guilt as she fucks me on the couch that once belonged to the people we killed. I admire her coldness, but I’m not foolish enough to trust her.
True, she owns her weaknesses in a way my mother couldn’t. Neri loves her family, and harm to them will crush her. Without a doubt, she’s willing to kill and be killed to prevent their suffering. Her feelings for me won’t factor into the equation if she must choose between Kai’s survival and mine.
I can’t claim the same killer instinct when it comes to Neri. She awoke something long dead inside me. It’s why I can distrust her, yet still welcome her in my arms.
Neri’s lips seek mine, searching for relief to the tension she’s felt since this morning. We fuck to soothe our fears. She’s afraid she’ll never get home. I fear what happens when she’s safe.
I refuse to overthink the future. If I die soon, I want to go out with the feel of Neri on my dick.
Shellshock (Spent Shells, #2) Page 4
