“What are you doing?” he finally whispers while reclining on the bed in the effortless way his strong body does everything.
My fingers brush against his bare forearm. “I want you.”
Kai smiles softly and joins me under the blankets. He offers a short kiss but nothing more. I try to get things moving by placing his hand on my right breast.
“But Anika is so close,” he whispers.
“She’s a deep sleeper, and she already saw things.”
Kai’s face doesn’t react to my words, but I know he disapproves. “If she wakes up and finds you missing, she’ll cry. Now imagine if you and I are...” He pauses and exhales in a way that I feel on my skin. “If we’re connected, stopping in the middle will make our first time very unpleasant.”
“She won’t wake up,” I whisper, gripping his shirt so he can’t leave. “I need to know you like that. I can’t die with only those other men inside me. I need you.”
“You’re not going to die,” he insists.
“Your home is too far away, and people keep finding us.”
Kai seems ready to explain how he’s very smart and strong while the bad guys are dumb and weak. I know all that, but I still don’t believe we’ll survive to see the beach in front of his house.
But Kai doesn’t explain anything. He kisses my cheek and smiles. “I still worry we’ll wake Anika.”
“I’ll be quiet.”
“But what if I don’t want you to be quiet?” he asks as his left hand disappears under the blankets and slides across my bare stomach. “What if I want you to moan and sigh and cry out my name until your throat is raw?”
Flushing red, I’m shocked at the thought of making so much noise. The shepherds taught me to be silent during sex. No crying. Obviously, no moaning. I can’t imagine doing more than lying still and taking whatever a man forces on me.
With Kai, I want to learn how to make him happy. I’ll make noises and touch him right and do everything normal women do.
“If we get to your home, I will be loud. I promise. Tonight, we’ll be quiet.”
“Why now?” he asks, studying me.
“There might be no tomorrow.”
“But I don’t want you to believe that.”
“I see the videos of your family and home. It’s all so beautiful, and I want to believe I’ll know what the sand feels like on my toes. I want the things you say to come true.”
“But you don’t believe,” he whispers, sounding sad.
“I can’t. It doesn’t seem real. It’s like the movie we watched. Just pretend on a screen.”
Kai’s hand rests on my belly as he stares in my eyes. Even in the dark, I can see his worry.
“What if you’re not ready?”
“I want you.”
“I know, but your body hasn’t been your own for a long time.”
“I want to feel you inside me before it’s over. Other women, normal women, get to feel good. They get to know what sex feels like with a man they want. Why can’t I feel it too?”
“Have you ever had an orgasm?” he asks in an especially tender voice. When I just watch him, he asks, “Do you know what an orgasm is?”
I shake my head, and Kai nods. His movements are careful and patient, even as his touch awakens the lust building inside me since I first saw him.
“Do you know how a man reacts at the end of sex? When he moans, and then liquid comes out of his penis?”
Staring at Kai, I nod as my thoughts return to the homestead.
He remains unbearably calm as he explains, “That’s how men orgasm. It’s a normal thing the body does, and it feels good. Women’s orgasms are a little different, but still feel good. Have you ever felt like that?”
Shaking my head, I think of the way my body went cold when the men raped me. The first few times, I fought them, and they hurt me more. Then I decided not to move my body while dulling my mind. As soon as one of them would look at me in that certain way, my body turned cold, and I hid in my head where I thought about the world outside of the homestead.
Now with this sexy man’s hand on my bare belly, I wish it would move between my legs.
“There are parts of your body that are sensitive and feel good when touched,” he says as if teaching me about something simple rather than sinful. “Have you ever touched yourself here?” he asks as his finger strokes my right nipple. My back arches slightly, and that single touch sends heat through my entire body. Remembering his question, I shake my head. “But you liked that, yes?”
Swallowing, I’m afraid to speak and break the spell he’s put me under. Or I’ve put him under. I don’t know what led him to this moment or what happens next. I just hope he doesn’t stop.
Kai gives me a tender kiss on the lips as his finger slides back and forth over my now-hard nipple. “A man can use his tongue on your nipple too,” he whispers before licking my flesh through my shirt and sending another wave of heat through my body. I instinctively run my fingers over where his tongue tasted me. Breathing faster, I can’t speak. I only stare in his eyes and beg him to keep going.
“I want to help you orgasm, but you might not be able to the first time. We can still try if you trust me.”
I nod as his hand disappears under my shirt and teases my bare excited flesh. Squirming, I’m afraid of how lustful I feel between my legs. Is that normal? Should I touch myself or ask him to?
“Breathe like I showed you,” he says, inhaling through his nose to remind me how. “Keep calm, so you don’t wake Anika. I need you to focus on me.”
“I am focused on you,” I babble after giving a quick glance at where my baby sleeps deeply. “I want you.”
“I know, but we can’t rush. I need you to know your body before you can know mine.”
Letting my gaze roll over his tanned chest and broad shoulders, I work up the courage to caress his nipple like he does mine. Then his hand is gone, and Kai watches me with a disapproving frown.
“You aren’t listening, Sunny.”
I instantly lose my confidence and look away embarrassed. Kai kisses my cheek and whispers, “You’re rushing to get to the end, but this is the fun part.”
Feeling scolded, I avoid his gaze.
“Do you want me to stop?” he asks and kisses my throat.
“No.”
“Are you angry?”
“No.”
“Are you lying?”
I don’t answer because I am angry. Why can’t I touch him? Why do I need to breathe like he says? I’m a grown woman. I should be able to feel like I want.
“Do you trust me?” he asks again, forcing my gaze to meet his.
Kai knows I’m not strong enough to deny him. Everything about this man provides comfort and hope. How can I tell him no?
“Before you give yourself to me, I want you to understand how sex feels when it happens willingly. Most people touch themselves and learn what they like. You never got that chance. Tonight, we’ll explore your body together.”
I understand what Kai wants and why I need to listen. I do trust him. When his fingers return to my bare nipple, and I breathe too fast, I inhale through my nose and then blow out slowly through my mouth. I keep calm so he won’t stop.
“Touch your nipple,” he whispers, sliding my loose shirt up until both of my breasts are revealed. “I’ll kiss this one.”
My breath catches as I pull at my right nipple, and he sucks on the left one. His hot lips send shockwaves through my entire body. The heat even reaches my curled toes.
“Let’s remove your sleep shorts,” he whispers. “I want to show you more.”
Nodding, I very much want to do that. My body is alive in a way I’ve never known before, and I need more. Pushing down my shorts, I kick them to the bottom of the blankets. I don’t worry about how I look or if I’m doing something wrong. Or maybe I am worrying because Kai kisses me gently and asks if I’m afraid.
“No,” I say, believing my denial.
“Tonight is just
one night. You and I will have so many more together,” he says, staring in my eyes as his hand palms my belly. “I know you don’t believe we’ll survive, so you think everything needs to happen now. But I believe we’ll spend a lifetime together. That’s why I don’t want to rush. Do you understand?”
No matter his words or hopes, I want to feel his hand between my legs tonight, right now. Kai waits for me to nod or speak. I finally do the first one and his palm slides from my belly button down to my private area.
Breathing faster, I stare at Kai, whose gaze watches his hand’s descent. My body goes stiff with anticipation. My thighs open. I know what will happen. Not exactly, but I know where the parts go together. That’s where his fingers will make me feel an orgasm. I’m ready.
“There’s a spot right here,” he explains as his finger caresses inside me. “It’s called your clitoris or clit. It’s very sensitive. Have you ever touched yourself here?”
With my eyes closed, I groan quietly as he slides his finger along the flesh. I can’t think clearly enough to answer him. My entire brain is focused on the spot between my legs, where he gently teases a part of me that I didn’t know existed. This isn’t the hole part where the penis goes in. This is something new and wonderful. I can’t believe it’s been there all along.
I fall apart with every stroke. When Kai’s lips return to my nipple, I break down a little more. I can’t think straight. My entire body is on fire. I feel both electric and gooey. I’m lost in my head, where there’s only pleasure. Every stroke brings me closer to something powerful, but I’m not afraid. I need to grab hold of what the cult hid from me.
Then my body shatters under the weight of so much pleasure. I feel the orgasm down to my toes. All my walls break down, and I’m completely open.
And it’s instantly too much. I see myself on the bed, top pushed up, pants gone, my private parts exposed. I’m a common whore giving into her sinful desires. I hear Jedediah’s words as clear as if he were in the room with us.
You’re filthy. Just like your mother. You’re corrupt. Look at your child, filthy now because of you. You deserved all the pain at the hands of the Children of the Black Sun. We knew what you were. What you would always be. It’s why your mother died and why you’ll die. It’s why Anika will die.”
Kai holds me while I sob against his chest. I know I’m too loud. Anika will wake up scared. I’m a bad mother. A whore like they said. I wanted those men to rape me. I caused their lust because I’m bad.
My mind and heart rage at me for being what Jedidiah warned. I’m foul. I’m sin incarnate. I’m why Kai and Neri and Cobain and my sweet baby will die. I did this to them.
Through the screaming in my head, I hear Kai’s heartbeat. Strong and steady like the ocean waves playing on the tablet. Kai can’t be stopped. And he feels lust. He enjoys music and spicy foods and kills without fear. Kai is beautiful inside and out in a way that Jedediah and the cult can never be.
My choice is clear. I can listen to Kai, or I can listen to the Children of the Black Sun. If one is right, the other must be wrong.
I choose to listen to Kai’s heartbeat, and the ocean waves splashing on the video. He’s my path to salvation. I silence the cult’s lies by listening to the man I love.
Regaining control, I wipe my eyes and look at Kai. He’s always calm. Not because he doesn’t care. But because he’s smart enough to know me. That’s why he said to breathe and take things slow. He’s peaceful because he knows this isn’t the end of the world. It’s normal. That’s why I’m calmer now. I was always going to get upset, and then I was always going to shut down the lies in my head.
“Can we do more now?” I ask and kiss him.
Kai smiles against my lips, probably knowing I would ask that exact question. He’s so smart. In fact, if he believes we can escape this ugly country and travel to his beautiful one, I should believe him. It makes no sense to me how we can get away from the Children of the Black Sun and the people wanting the bounty. But, an hour ago, I hadn’t known what an orgasm or clitoris were.
After tonight, it’s even more obvious how I need to trust Kai and his dreams.
NERI
Cobain is in a terrible mood tonight, especially after he and I take Robin outside. The entire time, he seethes with rage. I know he worries someone might be watching us. That’s no reason to be so unpleasant, though.
His sour mood is why I make him watch the children’s movie. He deserves to suffer a little after all the frowns he foists on everyone else.
“Why are you such a wet blanket?” I ask when we’re alone in our room.
“Those fuckers could shoot through the door at any moment, but you want me to relax.”
“That’s not why you seethe.”
“Shut up,” he snarls.
Cobain deserves my laughter. Even giggling at his anger, I soothe him by pressing his head against my chest and stroking his jaw. He immediately tries to turn my kind gesture into more sex. I suspect fucking is the only way he knows how to connect with someone. That’s why he’s unable to comfort the dog because sex isn’t an option.
I allow him inside me, but fucking isn’t what I crave. My real goal is to protect him.
“Tomorrow, I want you to hold back while we approach the safe house,” I say as my pussy squeezes at his cock.
“No.”
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I nuzzle his jaw and enjoy the sensation of his body and mine pressed together.
“It’s for your protection and mine.”
“It’s not your job to save me.”
“No, it’s my pleasure to do it,” I taunt, and he thrusts angrily inside me. “Settle down before I hurt you in a way that only a woman with sharp nails can.”
Cobain narrows his dark eyes, ready to challenge me. My pussy gives his cock a gentle squeeze, and he decides fucking is worth putting up with my troublesome mouth.
“Papa told the people that we’re arriving in two cars,” I lie. “If you don’t arrive with us, they’re less likely to attack.”
“Don’t assume they’ll think like you.”
“There’s no way to be sure, but if you hold back, they might hesitate.”
Cobain’s nostrils flare as he wraps me tighter in his arms. “I said no.”
“You need to behave and obey.”
Despite his anger, he fights a smile. “I’m not your pet.”
“You could be.”
“I thought you wanted to marry that piece of shit from Venezuela.”
“I don’t know if I can let you go,” I admit, stroking his back with my nails. “I might want to keep you even if you refuse to be kept.”
Cobain’s face turns unreadable. His anger and amusement disappear. He just stares with his dark eyes. Finally, he spits out, “You’re a fool.”
“Only a fool would think so. You can’t see the truth. But I choose to provide my heart with what it desires, and it craves you, Cobain.”
“I don’t want children.”
“I don’t care.”
“Because you’ll talk me into whatever you want.”
I feel a smile grace my face. “Well, there’s that.”
“I refuse to hang back while you take on three killers.”
“Four if you count Jonas.”
Cobain studies my face. “Who the fuck is this guy that you’re so scared of?”
Though I consider lying again to Cobain, I need him to be smart tomorrow. His death will destroy me.
“My father hides the man’s identity. Jonas might be someone willing to kill you.”
“And Daddy wouldn’t think to mention that?”
“It’s not personal,” I say, stroking his cheek.
“You mean, the part where he wants me dead?”
“He doesn’t want you dead,” I whisper and hold him closer, “but if he feels Jonas is better suited to protecting Kai and me, well, then, yes, Papa will sacrifice you.”
Cobain leans forward and rests me on my back. He hesit
ates while enjoying the sight of my body. Soon, though, he moves faster inside me.
“I want you to survive, and I want me to survive,” I say, stroking the thick hairs on his broad chest. “You don’t really care about that first part. That’s why I should be in charge. Between us, I’m smarter.”
“And if they still open fire?”
“You can die avenging me.”
Cobain grunts at the thought and thrusts with more force.
“My pussy is not your enemy,” I say after he batters the poor thing to completion.
Laughing angrily, he rests on his side and cups my crotch. “I’ll make you come, so we’ll be even.”
“I don’t want to come,” I say, swatting at his hand.
“What do you want?”
“For you to let me handle the situation tomorrow and keep you alive.”
“You didn’t care when I planned to die at my safe house.”
“I did care,” I mutter, slapping his hand harder and finally getting it away from my sore pussy. I roll to my side and force him to hold my gaze. “I wanted you to live, but you acted as if you didn’t care. I thought I couldn’t save you. Now I understand that you’ll bow to my will. How can I not make you do so if it’ll save you?”
Cobain grits his teeth, but doesn’t speak. What can he say? He knows I’m right. Even if he didn’t, I’m far more patient and will win in the end.
“This man tomorrow is meant to help us, and I will let him help us,” I say, still stroking his chest. “But if he’s a threat to you, I will kill him.”
“What about your daddy?” he mocks, wanting to be angry because bowing to my will makes him feel weak.
“Papa doesn’t know how I feel about you. I don’t think he’d care either. Only Kai and I matter to him. He’ll burn down the rest of the world to protect us.”
The rage in Cobain’s eyes dissolves into something else. Perhaps, he understands my father’s need to protect those who own his heart. I have no doubt Cobain would die for me. That’s been clear since our first night together.
The question is if he’s willing to live for me. Death was his lover long before I entered his life. Though unsure I’ll ever be able to compete with it, I’m stubborn enough to try.
Shellshock (Spent Shells, #2) Page 9
