“You saw her last time.”
“I did, but she was downright perky by the time she’d had breakfast the next morning.”
Trina slumped. “I’m a coward. I don’t even know why! I work every day with kids and adults like her. I know we won’t get anywhere until they tell me what’s at the heart of their fear or depression. When they finally do, it’s a cleansing hurt. It will be for Chloe, too. Even so—” She couldn’t finish.
Gabe reached across the table to enclose her hand in his much larger one. “Sure you know why,” he said, voice deep and comforting.
Her vision a little blurry, she tried to smile. “I love her.”
“It makes all the difference.”
A hard squeeze in her chest made her wonder. How did he know that, if he’d never let himself love anyone?
Was there any chance at all that she’d made a difference?
Chapter Twelve
Cross-legged on the sofa in the living room, Trina faced a child who sat with her head hanging. Chloe had been so joyful since seeing the dams and foals, helping hand out carrots and even touching the soft, inquisitive lips of a nearly snow-white foal. With just a few words, Trina had erased all that happiness. And yet how could she back off?
“Chloe, this is really important.” For all that she was trying for her usual warmth and calm, urgency leaked through. “You saw somebody with your dad that morning, didn’t you? The police don’t know who hurt your mom and dad and brother.”
Chloe sneaked a desperate peek at her before ducking her head again.
“We won’t be able to go home until you tell me.”
Right. Guilt would help.
Regretful, Trina cupped the little girl’s chin, nudging it upward. “Honey?”
Suddenly, Chloe threw herself backward. “I don’t got a home!” she screamed, rolled off the couch and ran.
She wouldn’t go outside by herself, would she? Adrenaline flooding her, Trina leaped up, too. Chloe had raced into the kitchen. The sound of a scraping at the back door electrified Trina. She came in sight just in time to see Gabe coming into the house, and scooping up Chloe, who’d aimed for the opening.
His alarmed gaze met Trina’s. He didn’t have to ask what had happened, because he knew what she intended when she led Chloe to the living room.
“Hey.” He bounced her in his arms. “Hey. It’s okay. It’s okay.”
Trina got a heart-stopping glimpse of Chloe’s face, wet with tears...even as not a single sound escaped her lips.
Déjà vu.
* * *
GABE WOULD HAVE SWORN the kid had shrunk, and she’d already been tiny enough. She sat at the kitchen table only because Trina had plunked her down on her chair. She might as well have been a rag doll. She hadn’t so much as glanced at the macaroni and cheese on the plate in front of her.
“Please, will you eat?” Trina begged. “It’s your favorite food.”
They all knew that. Earlier, she had promised to make Chloe’s favorite dinner. She’d served peas tonight, too, another favorite.
And damn it, Gabe was hungry, and he liked macaroni and cheese, too, especially Trina’s homemade version, but eating when Chloe looked so woeful didn’t feel right. Trina hadn’t taken more than a few bites, either.
Finally, she sighed. “If I dish up some ice cream, will you eat that?”
There wasn’t a twitch to acknowledge her.
As protective as he felt for both of them, this was killing him. The little girl, shoved back into silence. The misery on Trina’s face. She shouldn’t have to shoulder responsibility for something they’d agreed needed to be done. Should he have joined her when she tried to get Chloe to open up? Maybe his presence would have reassured the scared child.
Or not.
He thought some nasty swear words. Now what? A bath? Would Chloe just sit in the water, instead of splashing happily the way she usually did? Would she sleep tonight, or huddle in darkness, feeling as if she were back in that cupboard waiting for her mommy to say it was okay to come out?
He cleared his throat. “Hey, munchkin. I need to give Mack some grain. Would you like to come out with me while Trina dishes up ice cream for all of us? Oats are Mack’s idea of dessert, you know.”
Chloe shook her head without looking at him.
Well, at least she was present. Gabe lifted a shoulder to say, I tried.
“You know what?” asked Trina, trying for false cheer. “I’m going to put your mac and cheese back, since you didn’t touch it. There’ll be plenty for us to have for lunch tomorrow.”
“I wouldn’t mind that ice cream,” he said. “I bought chocolate mint, didn’t I?”
Chloe pushed her lower lip out a fraction, just to be sure he didn’t think he could soften her up. A hint of amusement lifted the weight in his chest by an ounce or two. He admired stubbornness.
Gabe rose to dish up the ice cream while Trina cleared the table, covered the casserole dish and put it in the fridge. When they passed each other, he kissed her on her cheek. “I predict a recovery by morning,” he murmured.
Hope and doubt mixed on her face. “You think...?”
“She’s going to be really hungry.” He raised his voice. “Shall I dish some up for you, Chloe? Nope? Okay.”
The kid held out and didn’t watch the two adults eat their ice cream, but he had no doubt she was aware of every delicious, chilly bite going into their mouths. Once Trina held out a spoonful.
“Want a taste?”
Chloe crossed her arms and turned her face away.
Relief was beginning to loosen his unhappiness. He’d have called this a sulk, if Chloe’s earlier panic and grief hadn’t been obviously genuine. Nevertheless, he suspected that he and Trina were now being punished.
Sad to say, he thought ruefully, her attempt was working.
Twenty minutes later, Trina gave up and put on a movie for Chloe, then came back to the kitchen. “I can’t believe I blew it so badly!”
Gabe wrapped her in a comforting embrace and kept his voice low. “You keep saying that, but I don’t know why. Maybe she’s not ready to talk. That doesn’t make asking questions wrong.”
“It’s the way I did it. I let my frustration get to me. I know better. I do.”
Feeling a smile growing on his face, Gabe said, “Hadn’t occurred to me before, but I think I used the same technique Chloe did to get rid of those damn therapists at the hospital that kept trying to make me open up about my feelings.”
Trina pushed back from him. “You became catatonic?”
“No, I got sullen.”
“Did it work?”
“Absolutely.” Somewhere, he found a grin, even though the subject had been a sore one and this day had sucked. “I wasn’t real enthusiastic about you, you know, once Joseph told me what you did for a living.”
“I did notice,” she said tartly.
“Although—” his smile faded and he found himself looking into her eyes “—somehow you’ve gotten a lot further than any of them did.”
“Really?” It was a whisper.
“Really.” He cleared his throat for the second time this evening, and for the same reason. Emotions trying to choke him. What was he going to do about her?
“I might have wanted to get into your head,” she said, still so quietly he barely heard her, “but I’ve never tried to offer therapy.”
“Do you think I need it?”
She frowned but shook her head. “No. And certainly never from me.”
It felt like a promise. An important one. Gabe thought about saying something but finally settled for a nod. Trina gave him a shaky smile and retreated.
“I hate to say this, but I think I should stay with her tonight. I don’t like the idea of her being alone.”
He didn’t want to be alone, either, but
he was a lot less fragile than Chloe, so he nodded.
When Trina took Chloe upstairs for her bath a few minutes later, he didn’t follow, even though he wanted to. He liked listening to Chloe playing in the tub, Trina teasing her. More often than he’d want Trina to know, he stood in the hall and listened to her read picture books and fairy tales aloud, taking on the voices of characters. He’d have liked to see the expressions on her face, too. If he’d gone in to join them, would she have felt too silly to squeak and rumble and whisper?
Tonight, it felt damn lonely down here.
* * *
USUALLY, CHLOE WAS a snuggler. Even sound asleep, she made her way across the bed when Trina got into it. Maybe she was only drawn to warmth, Trina didn’t know.
Tonight, Chloe had curled up on her side facing the window. When Trina gently rubbed her back beneath the covers, she’d subtly arched away, reminding Trina of how a cat shrank from a touch.
“I’m sorry,” Trina whispered. “I know I got really pushy today. I wish I could see what you saw, and never have to ask you.” She waited, hoping Chloe would do or say something, but the small lump didn’t move. “While you’re falling asleep,” she murmured, “think about the horses. Wasn’t that foal beautiful? You heard Gabe say he’ll end up dappled and gray the way his mommy is, but that’s beautiful, too. I think the foal was curious, because you were small like him.”
Closing her eyes but knowing sleep would be slow coming, Trina saw Gabe’s face instead of horses. And his big, graceful body. She was almost painfully conscious of him whenever he was near. She’d thought actually having sex would vent some of the tension, but it hadn’t.
Twice in her life—leaving out early teenage crushes—she’d thought she was in love, but those feelings hadn’t been anything like this deep longing, physical and emotional. She knew she was probably deluding herself to think he felt something similar, that he might be questioning the certainties about his future that he’d thought rock solid.
Her mood bleak, she wondered if she might be sorry if she got what she was wishing for. If they were serious about each other, what would she do? Move to the army base where he was stationed, try to find work and then wave a falsely cheerful goodbye every time he shipped out? Wait for weeks and months and even a year at a time for him to come back to her, haunted the entire while by fear that he’d be injured again—or come back in a box to be buried? Even if she loved him, was that a life she could endure?
He’d said himself that he wouldn’t be an active-duty Ranger for that much longer. But what did that mean? Two more years? Five? Ten?
Yet if she loved him, how could she not accept him for what he was, be waiting when he came home?
And, of course, all this agonizing was absurd when she didn’t have the slightest idea how he felt about her, or whether any new emotions had the slightest impact on his determination to rejoin his unit. Trina didn’t even know why he loved being a Ranger so much. Was it the sense of mission? The danger, the exhilaration of cheating death? The tightness with his teammates? Would he ever talk to her about it?
Sleep sneaked up on her. She roused when Gabe came up to bed, listened to every small sound from his bedroom, even toyed with the idea of slipping out of bed and going to him. But her eyelids were so heavy, and tonight she didn’t want Chloe to wake and find herself alone.
She must have slept like a log, because her next conscious awareness was of morning light seeping around the edges of the blinds. And of the bony knees pressing against her stomach, and the warm little girl who’d wormed her way beneath Trina’s arm.
Trina’s lips curved as she stayed absolutely still. Yesterday had been a setback, that’s all. Everyone made mistakes; everyone got scared sometimes. She remembered Gabe predicting a recovery by morning. Oh, she hoped he was right!
Finally, her bladder drove her to get up. Inevitably, Chloe woke up, too, blinking sleepily at her.
Trina swooped down to kiss her cheek, said, “Good morning, sunshine!” and dashed across the hall to the bathroom. On the way back, she glanced at Gabe’s door, ajar, but couldn’t tell if he was still in bed or long since up.
Returning to the bedroom, she found Chloe sitting on the side of the bed, clutching her plush unicorn. Still cheerfully, she said, “I’ll bet you’re hungry, aren’t you?” Her own stomach was growling. “Let me get dressed, and let’s go make breakfast. How about oatmeal? That’d fill us up.”
Predictably, Chloe wrinkled her nose. “Can we have waffles?”
Trina’s heart felt as if it was swelling to fill her rib cage. “Yep. If you want to help, you need to get dressed, too.”
Chloe scampered to the bathroom first. On her return, she picked out red corduroy overalls and a pink shirt, a combination that made Trina wince, but what the heck? “Can we ride today?” she asked, while sitting on the floor putting on socks.
Trina looked for Chloe’s shoes. “I don’t know. I think Gabe is nervous because of that helicopter coming overhead. Since we’re hiding here, he wants to make sure nobody sees us.”
A sock halfway on, Chloe went still. Yesterday, Gabe hadn’t been honest with Chloe about why they couldn’t go, but creative excuses would collapse eventually. Right now she and Trina were pretty much cabin-bound, and Chloe already knew why, more or less.
The little girl looked up. “Why can’t this be home?” she asked, voice small and plaintive. “Can’t we stay here? With Gabe?”
Oh, God. Trina wanted that so fiercely the pain held her silent for a moment. Finally, she swallowed, crouched beside Chloe, and kissed her on the forehead. “I like it here, too. But...your grandma might want you to live with her. Remember?”
“I don’t wanna go live with her!” Chloe wrapped her arms around Trina’s calf and held on tight. “I want you to be my mommy!”
I want to be your mommy, too. But she couldn’t say that, because it might not be possible. Probably wouldn’t be. Chloe had relatives.
Had it been another, terrible mistake, letting herself love this child, when she knew she wouldn’t be able to keep her?
Maybe. But it wasn’t one she’d take back if she could. No, she thought, on a wave of peace salted with pain, loving Gabe wasn’t something she’d take back, either.
Struggling to calm herself, she said, “You know I love you, sweetie. Right now we’re sort of...waiting to see what will happen. I can’t make you promises, except that, if you go live with your grandma or your aunt and uncle, I’ll come see you as often as I can. Okay?”
Chloe’s face crumpled, but she nodded.
“Waffles,” Trina declared, spotting the missing shoes tucked just beneath the bed.
* * *
AS GABE AND MACK loped toward Boyd’s house, he was stuck on thinking about what Trina had told him. Chloe’s extreme reaction had happened not because she was afraid to talk about the bad man, but because she didn’t want to go “home.”
“That was a stupid thing for me to say, anyway.” Trina was way too quick to berate herself for anything she viewed as a screwup. “Even I don’t have a home. Chloe knows that. Hers is just a nightmare. She must have been thinking she was safe here, but that once we leave, she’ll have to go live in a strange house with a relative she doesn’t know that well.”
It bugged Gabe to know that might well be true. How could Trina combat it if family wanted to take her in? His heart had done some strange acrobatics when he heard that Chloe wanted them to stay here, with him. So far, he was mostly ignoring the small voice in the back of his head that said, They could if you retire.
If he surrendered to a damn injury, was what he meant. The idea was unthinkable to a man who’d made himself without a lot of encouragement or support from anyone else. He didn’t quit.
Except...hell. He really didn’t like imagining the day Trina thanked him and he had to hug her and Chloe goodbye because they were going on with their
lives.
Alone under an overcast sky, he said a word he had had to swallow a few times recently because he didn’t want a three-year-old kid to hear it...and because he was old-fashioned enough not to like using it around a woman, either.
When he reached the bustling heart of the ranch, he rode Mack into a barn, dismounted and tied him there, in the relatively cool, dim aisle lined by stalls. He had to stop and talk to a man holding a horse out front while a farrier bent over working on a front hoof. Then he walked toward the house, where Boyd expected him.
“You made it,” his partner said, letting him in.
“You thought I’d get lost?”
“Hey, you never know. Haven’t seen much of you around here.”
“You know why,” he said, too sharply, when he knew Boyd was only kidding. Man, this never-ending tension was getting to him, in large part because he wanted to take action. He wanted to find the bastard who was behind all this crap, not wait to be found. And yeah, he didn’t like that Boyd had been able to go out and do things he couldn’t, even though this was another kind of teamwork.
He accepted an offer of iced tea, and the two men sat in the enormous living room. Gabe felt uncomfortable in such a large space. He’d be curious to see whether Trina preferred this showplace of a log home.
Boyd said abruptly, “The Keifs’ neighbor didn’t recognize Julie Emmer.” She was the accountant Gabe had seen having lunch with Russell Stearns. “I showed her the photo on my phone, and she kept shaking her head. This Julie hadn’t been to any of the same parties she had.”
He nodded.
“I may have left Mrs. Freeman thinking I was a reporter. When I said I had questions about her husband and his death, she let me in without asking for ID.”
Not smart, but not uncommon, either. The woman’s life had just been smashed.
“She insisted Glenn hadn’t told her what was worrying him about his work, but something was. She said it had started two or three days before he died. He’d had a short run—Seattle—and came home really upset. She thought something might have happened on the road, but he said not. He told her he couldn’t keep working for O.R.E., that he was sorry because they might have to move and the kids would hate getting pulled from school.”
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