by Eve Langlais
And why did Bambi have a knot in her gut? Must have been the cock she’d gobbled for breakfast. Curried semen that early in the morning always gave her indigestion.
As they hit the bottom steps, the doorbell rang.
“Can you grab that?” Auric asked. “I told Muriel I’d get some pictures of Lucinda in her party dress before she gets messy.”
“I don’t get messy. Much.” Spoken with an adorable dimple.
“Go take some pretty pics. Remember how Auntie showed you to smile.”
Lucinda did duck lips, and Auric groaned.
With a laugh, Bambi shooed him off and veered toward the front hall. Despite a coat of paint, she could still see a faint black line where little miss naughty had taken a marker to the walls. Lucinda’s picture was in the dictionary under the word handful. The teenage years would be interesting.
Upon answering the door, Bambi’s mouth rounded into an O of surprise. “Charlie? I didn’t know Muriel invited you.”
Looking casual in his polo shirt and slacks with his blond hair in artful disarray, Charlie shrugged and offered a rueful smile. “She didn’t, but I overheard someone talking about the party, so I thought I’d pop in. We are, after all, family, and I do love cake. I hope it’s okay.”
“Sure.” Although she had to wonder why Charlie suddenly chose now to reach out to the Baphomet side. And look at that, he’d brought a guest. A petite Asian woman, who clung to his arm and ducked her head shyly. “Um, come in.” They entered, and Bambi shivered as if someone ran a feather up her spine.
The tiny woman whispered something to Charlie.
“Washroom?” he asked.
Still bemused, Bambi pointed, and the female scurried off with a nod of thanks. Bambi arched a brow at her not-often-seen cousin.
“You crashed a party and brought a date? Was that wise?” They couldn’t exactly hide the oddity of Muriel’s special mates. A fallen angel, a shapeshifter, a vampire, and a merman. Her sister had quite the collection.
“Don’t worry,” said Charlie. “Lee is cool. I met her in the Himalayas. You can’t tell by looking at her, but she’s kitsune.” A Japanese shapeshifting fox.
“You do know Hell’s King might be coming?”
“I thought he retired.”
“He did. Lucifer is off somewhere tropical. I was talking about Chris.”
“I’m not worried about Chris. He and I are cool.”
“Last time I saw you, he was trying to light your ass on fire.”
“We’ve worked things out since.” The bright, white smile meant to reassure brought a frown.
“What about your dad?” Elyon wouldn’t approve.
“Don’t worry about my dad. He’s got other stuff to keep him busy.”
Probably sorting his white socks by color. Elyon was dull. Bambi never understood how Lucifer tolerated him, and yet when it came to playing chess—or golf—the first person he always invited was his brother.
“The party is out back.”
“Go. I’ll be along in a second.” He inclined his head to the closed washroom door.
Bambi left with a wasted sashay of her hips. While not picky about her lovers, and meals, she never fed on family. Even first cousins. A succubus, even the world’s sluttiest one, had to have some lines she wouldn’t cross.
Exiting into the yard—which, despite the heavy tent surrounding it, was lit with bright lights and the ceiling painted light blue—she noted everything ready. The patio set looked inviting with its plush cushions. The tables for the food and drinks were covered in pink tablecloths. Balloons festooned everything, helium ones that floated.
They would also provide entertainment later on after a few beers when the boys inhaled the gas and talked in chipmunk voices. She’d charged her phone to make sure she videotaped it.
The outdoor barbecue was a massive brick affair with its own chimney, which meant they wouldn’t die of the fumes but they could still smell the charcoal. Yum.
Noticing that Muriel was missing, she said, “Where’s lamb?”
Teivel, busy rolling the keg into place, replied, “Went to fetch Chris. Should be back any second now.”
She headed back inside and wandered into the kitchen where she found Auric taking pictures.
Lucinda was being a ham. Refusing to smile. Sticking out her tongue.
“Oooh, you brat. You know your mommy wants a nice one.”
Lucinda giggled. “Mommy loves my silly face.”
She did. Muriel and everyone who met Lucinda loved the little brat.
A hellion who saw more things than she should.
Her niece stopped laughing for a moment and cocked her head. Her face went blank, and her voice took on a spooky cast as she channeled the kid from Poltergeist announcing in a singsong voice, “They’re here.”
21
Not even here ten seconds and already hearing his mother’s voice. The fact that she’d so easily found him froze Chris and heated him at the same time. It also meant a change in strategy.
The original plan that he and Isobel had concocted—one that relied on Muriel actually helping them escape Hell—had them slipping away from the party and going to ground. AKA hiding and traveling the world, free of duty, free of the Pit.
Then Mommy said hello. I can’t leave now. What if his mother pulled the same shit she had at the dinner party? He may not want a sister or a niece, but that didn’t mean he would run away and let them face his mother alone.
Despite the comforting feeling of soil—solid, real, earthy, the scent of decay and everything that fertilized it a balm to his soul—Chris stood and surveyed his surroundings. His surprising surroundings.
“You live in the country?” he exclaimed. They stood in a pasture, stubby grass underfoot, with white fencing all around to keep a pair of horses from fleeing.
Muriel planted her hands on her hips, lifted her face to the sky, and breathed deeply. “Yup. Turns out I’m more a country girl than expected. Which is a practical thing given I have strange visitors at times. Rather than spend all our time hiding in the city and suburbia, we thought it best to stay far away from neighbors.”
“Understandable.” Yet weird for a guy who’d grown up knowing only the mundane world. He’d never imagined the intricate layers of paranormal hidden from humans. Once concealed from him, as well. Yet, as it turned out, the supernatural was all around him. Only now, he actually noticed it.
Goshen dashed ahead of them, acting almost doglike, his nose to the ground, sniffing. Peeing on the one rock they could see. Chris laced his fingers through Isobel’s as they crossed the field to a gate, watching for piles of steaming doo-doo. In the distance, he noted a massive tent abutting a house.
“Getting the place fumigated?” he asked, which seemed odd given the party.
Muriel laughed. “Nope. That’s to make sure Teivel doesn’t turn into a pile of ash. He and the sun don’t get along.”
“Then why not have the party at night?”
Muriel shrugged. “Because Lucinda insisted we have it in the afternoon. And when little missy feels that strongly about something, sometimes it’s easier to say yes.”
“My mother never gave in to my requests,” Isobel noted. “She’s very bossy.”
At that, Muriel chuckled, a low, throaty, contagious sound. “So am I, usually. Which means we have some interesting moments, my daughter and I. In this case, because it was her very first birthday party, I kind of gave in to most of her demands.”
“Which ones did you kibosh?” asked Chris.
“I said no to getting a dinosaur for rides, and I wouldn’t let her invite her human classmates. I was worried someone would eat them.”
There was just no reply to that.
They’d not quite made it to the tent when there was a screech in the air.
Looking up, Chris’s eyes widened while Isobel squeaked and hid behind him. He felt an urge to hide too, but since his sister didn’t throw herself to the ground and cower, he fought the
urge. Still… “I thought you said no dinosaurs?”
“That’s a dragon,” Muriel announced with a scowl.
“For real? A fucking dragon?” And not just any dragon. A pink one, with wide wings and a long tail. “I didn’t know you owned a dragon.” Then again, he didn’t know they actually existed. This was the first one he’d ever seen.
“She is so grounded,” his sister growled in a low tone.
“Who is grounded?”
“Lucinda. She knows her dragon is supposed to stay in Hell at her poppa’s stable, but she keeps making portals and sneaking her in.”
“Lucinda can make a portal?” Could his shame get any worse? Even a little girl could accomplish what he couldn’t.
“Your niece is a bit of a brat, who needs to mind her mother’s rules.” Muriel scowled.
“She’s a kid. I’m sure she’ll grow out of it.” Hopefully, she would remain powerful, though, because it totally made her a possible contender to take over his wretched reign as King of Hell. “How old is she again?” How long until he could hand over his crown and run for the hills?
“Old enough to know better.” It wasn’t the reply he’d hoped for.
Reaching the tent, Muriel shouted, “Coming in, duck and hide, Teivel.”
She yanked on a flap, the Velcro seams coming apart with a familiar ripping sound. They slipped in, and Chris blinked. It was brighter inside the tent than outside.
He then blinked again as he noticed the man before him. Dark hair, penetrating gaze, and hawkish features. The stranger eyed him up and down.
“You must be the brother,” he finally muttered, looking less than impressed. “I expected someone taller.”
In Hell, Chris might have ordered his guards to make the man show some respect. On Earth, he had to do it himself. “That’s ‘your majesty,’ asshole.”
“Chris!” Isobel slapped him. “He’s joking.” Not really, but his wife gushed on. “You must be Teivel. Pleasure. I’m Isobel, and this is my husband, Chris, Hell’s King.”
“Hmph,” Teivel’s replied before he walked away.
“Pleasant fellow,” Chris muttered.
“I think he prefers the term stoic,” Muriel replied. “Don’t worry, he’ll come around. He was kind of miffed when Daddy gave you the job. He wanted me to have it because he actually likes Hell.”
“I’ll just bet he does.” Chris took a look around, impressed by the fact that the tent managed to cover not only the patio area by the house but also a large in-ground pool.
Lifting a hand, Muriel waved at another guy across on the other side of the tent. “David, come see who came to the party.”
“Another lover?” joked a man with long hair held away from his face at his nape.
“Not today. But Polkie says the apocalypse is coming, so you never know,” Muriel sang.
Chris found his hand engulfed in a handshake that crushed his bones. He eyed the fellow in front of him, and his nose tickled. “You got a cat around here?” Because that was the only thing that usually set off his allergies.
Once again, Isobel elbowed him. “Would you stop that?”
“Stop what?” He adopted his most guileless face. Yeah, he was fucking with the dude. He’d read the files on his brothers-in-law. Muriel had quite the collection.
So far, he’d met the vampire, Teivel. In front of him was the shapeshifter, David, which meant the jovial fellow who vaulted from the pool, water sluicing from his very toned body, his swim trunks hanging low on his hips, had to be the merman, Tristan. Chris’s fingers itched for a harpoon.
Thankfully, he didn’t have to gut the man because Isobel moved away with Muriel and didn’t ogle the fellow up close.
“You must be the fish-man,” Chris said. Son of Neptune. Some hotshot in the ocean. Thankfully, married.
“The correct term is merman, and you might want to watch the attitude,” Tristan said, smiling pleasantly. “Muriel might be giddy at finally getting to know her brother, but we’re not as gullible.”
“Which is his polite way of saying fuck her or the child over and die.” This from the vampire, who flashed some fang.
Usually, Chris would have given some flippant, partially assholish answer. However, he kind of liked his new sister—a little—and given it was a kid’s birthday party, he shrugged and said, “It’s cool.”
Cooler still was the glare he got from the last dude, Muriel’s main consort, who emerged from the house, his gaze scanning everything before landing on Chris and staying there. That one look reiterated the vampire’s threat.
Fuck with my family and die. Nice welcome.
Still, he was the Antichrist, and he could handle some overprotective dudes. What he wasn’t armored against was cuteness.
Flying out of the house, hair in pigtails, her face painted like a miniature beauty queen, was a little girl. She squealed, “Uncle Chris!” and threw herself at him. It seemed rude not to catch her.
“Happy to meetcha,” she said, hugging him tighter and, in the process, wrapping him around her tiny little finger.
“Um, ditto,” said the suave King of Hell.
“We’re gonna have so much fun!” She batted incredibly long lashes as she snuggled him.
“I, uh, have a present.” He managed to fumble the small gift out and hand it to the squirming mass in his arms.
“Oooh. Gimme.” She tore into the paper and opened the box before he blinked. Inside, an amulet with a vivid pink stone. Not exactly what he would have chosen, but Lucinda beamed.
It went around her neck, and she clasped it in one pudgy fist. “I wuv it. It’s my favorite-est thing evah! Next to you, of course, Uncle Chris.”
For some reason, this unnerved him. “I can’t stay too long. Things to do. You know.”
The biggest eyes rose to meet his. “You can’t leave before the cake,” she lisped. “Or you’ll miss the big surprise.”
“What surprise?”
But all he got was a giggle.
“Baby girl, get your cute butt over here so Mommy can get a picture,” Muriel yelled, waving her phone.
“But Daddy already took some,” Lucinda remarked.
“I want another. Now, young lady.”
“Party pooper.” The lower lip jutted, and for a moment, red flashed inside the irises of her eyes. Then the smile returned. “Gotta go!” Lucinda bounced out of his arms, and he stared after her. Fascinated. Also slightly afraid because he’d felt the power in her tiny body. So. Much. Power.
Isobel sidled close and whispered, “When are we sneaking away?”
“We’re not. Not yet.” Because something was going to happen. Lucinda might have implied it, but inside he could feel it. “Let’s stay for the cake at least.”
“Okay.” Isobel gave him an odd look but went with the flow.
Chris didn’t quite join the festivities, choosing to sit under the tent and watch as Muriel had her daughter pose, alone and with each of her daddies.
He’d not heard his mother’s voice again but knew he hadn’t imagined it. Nor did he mention it to Isobel. Let her enjoy herself. She chatted with Bambi, a glass of wine in hand, looking more relaxed than he’d seen her in days.
As for him, he enjoyed the steady stream of beer coming from the keg. He’d missed amber ale. The stuff in Hell burned going in and even more coming out.
Everything was going great.
Too great.
Too smoothly.
Which meant something would fuck it up. He just hoped it wouldn’t be him.
Or his mother.
You hear that, Mommy Dearest? Leave this little girl and her party alone.
But it wasn’t Morgana who arrived to ruin the day.
22
Lucifer arrived wearing a loud shirt covered in flamingoes and board shorts that did not cover enough of his hairy legs.
“Grandpa is here!” he exclaimed, flinging his arms wide.
For a moment, everyone stared.
Even Muriel. “Daddy, I d
idn’t think you were coming.”
No one did. Last time Bambi had spoken to Lucifer, he’d been quite adamant on that point. Gaia was due to pop at any time. Since Mother Earth’s midwife had forbidden any kind of interdimensional travel, she’d grounded Lucifer with her.
The Devil never did do well with rules and ultimatums.
“Fooled you all,” he boomed. “As if I’d miss my granddaughter’s party. How else am I supposed to give her a gift?” He knelt as Lucinda flew at him. He didn’t even flinch at her exuberant and loving hug, probably because the greedy child asked, “What did you bring me?”
“Me? What makes you think I’d spoil a little princess rotten?” He winked, and Lucinda giggled.
“Gimme!” She held out her pudgy hands.
Snapping his fingers, he snatched something out of midair, which he dropped into her cupped hands, a square piece of paper. Bambi squinted but couldn’t see what was on it.
An epic squeal emerged from Lucinda.
Muriel winced. “Oh, fuck. What did you give her now?”
It was David, his long, blond hair held back in a ponytail, who peeked over Lucifer’s shoulder to declare, “It’s a picture of some kind of sea monster.”
“A picture?” Muriel repeated doubtfully.
“Of her new pet!” Lucifer declared. “You all remember Sweets.” Given there were a few blank looks, Lucifer explained. “Adexios, Charon’s kid, has a pet sea monster. The one-eyed, purple beast had a baby. As soon as I saw it, I knew it was just the thing for the most perfect granddaughter ever created.”
“I love it!” Lucinda clapped her hands before Muriel could say, “No.”
At least, this time, Lucifer didn’t hide the gift. It took several singed rooms and a few missing neighborhood pets before Muriel had found out about Lucinda’s last pet—the pink dragon.
“Mommy, isn’t she boo-tiful,” Lucinda lisped, batting her lashes—just like Auntie taught her. Bambi couldn’t help but swell with pride.
“We don’t have room for it,” Muriel began to explain, only to have Tristan clear his throat. “Um, actually, we kind of do. Remember how I had some surveys done of the land. Turns out, the house is sitting above an underground cavern with a massive lake, which not only means we’d have room for it, but it would be hidden, too.”
