by J. Bengtsson
“And what, RJ?” she asked, pivoting to face me.
“What does he think?”
“You tell me. Have you heard from him?”
“No.”
“Then that’s your answer.” She sighed. “He doesn’t care, RJ. He never has.”
Fresh pain swept through me, knowing I was zero for two in the parenthood trap. I offered up a curt nod. “You can go now.”
Her head drooping, my mother turned her back to me and opened the door. “For what it’s worth, RJ, I’m sorry.”
“For what it’s worth, Heather, I would’ve loved you.”
24
Dani: Some Like it Rough
Talk about a reversal in fortune. After days of trying to work my way back into the hospital, I was now entering through the electronic doors with my head held high and in the company of some very powerful allies. Heads turned, mouths dropped open, and cell phones were extracted from pockets as our formidable parade of boy-banders came strolling in with all the confidence in the world.
Lead by our commander in chief, Tucker Beckett, the rest of us fell in line, walking two-by-two like animals preparing to board the Ark. Just behind the mighty Hollywood manager was a pair of crisp-suited lawyers. Following them were the AnyDayNow boys, Bodhi and Hunter, and then behind them, Shawn and Dane. And bringing up the rear, linked arm in arm and propelled by our very own tailwind, were Breeze and me.
You know when you meet that one person who just gets you? Well, that was Breeze. In the few hours it took to draw up the documents needed for the rescue effort, I’d already gone shopping in her closet; gotten a haircut, highlight, and blow-dry from my new hairstylist best friend; and watched half of the first episode of Gilmore Girls before Bodhi popped his head in and informed us that Operation Save RJ was a go.
And now here I was, walking down a long corridor, preparing to see RJ for the first time since the parking garage.
Breeze leaned into me. “You excited?”
“Yes,” I replied. “But the kind of excited where I’m more terrified than excited.”
“Ah. Like amusement park ride excited?”
“Uh-huh, but like that feeling you get after the ride has been closed for a while due to someone falling out of their harness, dangling upside down, and screaming for their life. That kind of amusement park ride excited.”
“Very specific,” she mused. “Thank you for clarifying your level of excitement. I can see why RJ likes you.”
“But does he? His infatuation could be purely disaster-related.”
“Or he can see in you what I see in you. Girl, I’d date you.”
“Oh, my god.” I squeezed her arm tighter. “I’d date you too.”
“We’d be so good together,” she agreed. “If only we didn’t have the earth’s most desirable guys getting in the way.”
“Yes.” I sighed. “If only.”
We giggled, but insecurities piled on top of me faster than I could flick them off. Earth’s most desirable guys. Holy freakin’ shit. What was I thinking? I couldn’t hold on to RJ the pop star. I couldn’t even hold on to Jeremy the accountant.
“Dani,” Breeze said, sensing my anxiety levels rising. “Breathe.”
“I can’t,” I replied, slowly unraveling. “I did a thing.”
“You did a thing? What did you do?”
“I googled the words RJ and girlfriend.”
“Uh-oh,” she gasped. “Don’t do that.”
“I already did,” I snipped. “And now I can’t take it back. Guess what? I’m not his type.”
“What is his type?”
“Not five-foot-two elementary school teachers.”
Breeze stopped and grasped my face. “Who cares if he dated gorgeous models and actresses? They didn’t last, now, did they?”
“No, and I’m pretty sure I won’t either.”
“Look, shrimp, I get your fears. I had the same ones. What would someone like Bodhi want with a regular girl like me? I know if we’d met in the conventional way, like at a bar or something, he wouldn’t have given me a second glance. But listen to me, Dani. The first time I saw Bodhi Beckett, he was covered in ashes and nearly ran me down with his car. We didn’t meet in a conventional way, and neither did you and RJ. What you have is different than what he’s had with other women. You know that. So stop letting those nasty insecurities fill your head with doubt. A five-foot-two elementary school teacher is just what he needs.”
I drew in a soothing breath. She was right. Our connection was stronger than sky-high legs and perfect cheekbones.
“Thank you.” I hugged her. “If it wasn’t for you, I would’ve become one of those romance book heroines who talks herself out of being with the perfect guy for no apparent reason.”
“I know. I saw you headed in that direction, so I rewrote the ending. I got your back, girl. We’re besties now.”
Stars glittered in my eyes. “We are?”
“Of course. I don’t share deodorant with just anyone.”
“And I’d let you drink out of my straw.”
She slapped a hand to her chest theatrically.
We giggled. We were just fun like that.
“Hey, can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” she said.
“How well do you know RJ?”
“Not that well. I came into the picture just before AnyDayNow broke up and the boys went their separate ways.”
“But he and Bodhi remained close, right?”
Breeze’s brows furrowed. “Yes, but…”
My eyes widened. The plot was thickening. Despite spending the most intense hours of my life with RJ, he was still a mystery to me, and I was counting on Breeze to help solve him.
“RJ distanced himself after the breakup. Maybe because he was working on the album; I don’t know. But Bodhi was worried about him and wouldn’t tell me why. He tells me everything, so don’t think I didn’t try. Anyway, about five months ago, right after launching his solo album, RJ disappeared. All his shows were canceled. He fired his manager. He wouldn’t answer his phone.”
“That’s when I met him. Total recluse. Barely left his place. Didn’t work. Looked like the Taliban.”
“Huh. RJ’s always been so put together. So polished. Never a hair out of place.”
“That’s not the RJ I knew. Mine looked like an unclipped Goldendoodle.”
“He must’ve really been struggling then. Here’s the thing about RJ. He talks a big game, but he’s actually a really sensitive guy. I get the feeling he didn’t have the easiest childhood. He has this need to be loved at all costs, and when he didn’t get that affirmation with his solo album, it messed him all up.”
I nodded, remembering our conversation in the parking garage. “It did.”
Breeze studied me, curious. “I imagine the two of you talked about some heavy things in there.”
“We did. I just hope he doesn’t regret the things he said.”
“The two of you survived something horrific together, like Bodhi and I did. Believe me, Dani, an experience like that changes you,” Breeze said. “That bond… it never goes away.”
Our group had come as far as we could. Until RJ signed the papers, we were not welcome on his floor. Armed with documents to prove their purpose, Tucker and the lawyers were the only ones allowed on the ward.
The rest of us waited outside the double doors. At first, the guys were patient and respectful, like good little choir boys, but as the wait stretched on, one by one the AnyDayNow boys disintegrated into chaos.
First an off-color joke. Then an insult. Then a push against a wall. I watched in amusement. This was clearly a four-man bromance, and I hoped, for RJ’s sake, he made it five. You’d think with all the success these guys had they’d be more guarded in their play. People were watching, after all.
Bodhi shoved Shawn back. “Get off me, dude.”
Seconds earlier Shawn had been trying to lick the remnants of a Snicker’s bar off Bodhi’s cheek.
&nb
sp; “In some cultures, grooming each other is a sign of affection,” Shawn said.
“Not cultures—that’s orangutans, you idiot.”
“Hey, Dane,” Shawn called to him, while continuing to taunt Bodhi with his tongue from a safer distance. “Does finding another man attractive mean I’m gay?”
“Yes, it’s the first step on the journey.”
Hunter rolled his eyes. “I’m sorry, Dani. I wish I could say they aren’t always like this, but…”
“Oh, no, you don’t.” Bodhi stopped him. “Dani, he might look like he’s from the land of Care Bears, but he’s not as innocent as you might think.”
“Compared to the rest of you, I’m a saint.”
“A saint?” Dane challenged, pulling up his pant leg to reveal a sketch from The Jungle Book. “You paid the tattoo artist a thousand dollars extra to give me a tattoo of Mowgli. I asked for wolf eyes.”
Hunter grinned as if the memory was a good one.
I’d been so thoroughly enjoying the show that I didn’t see who was headed our way until I heard Breeze’s hushed voice say, “Guys, she’s coming.”
Silence fell over our group as Heather rapidly approached. Her head was held high, but this was not the same woman who’d expelled me from the hospital days ago. This one had been knocked down to size, making me wonder what had happened in the room when the lawyers brought RJ the papers.
And as she drew closer, Heather headed straight for me. My instinct was to take a step back, but Breeze stopped me from cowering. She was right. I couldn’t take a backseat to the mom, not if I wanted to earn the respect of the son.
Heather came to a halt mere inches from my face. A silence fell over our entire group. I tipped my chin and steadied my gaze. Bring it on.
But Heather hadn’t come to rumble.
She leaned in and whispered in my ear, “I hope, for his sake, you’re worth it.”
And then she walked away.
Of all the people RJ had to choose from, he picked me to be first in line to see him. I thought I was ready, prepared, but the further away I got from Breeze’s pep talk, the more worried I became. RJ and I had shared something profound and life-changing together, but I had no idea what he’d been through since I’d watched Parker close the ambulance doors. Nor did I know what influence Heather could have had on him in his weakened state. It was entirely possible he was calling me in first to cut me loose now that I was no longer needed for his immediate safety.
I winced at my own totally unfair thoughts. He’d sacrificed for me too, willing to die alone so I could live. I truly believed I’d met the real RJ Contreras in the parking garage. Not the superstar. Not the playboy. Not the friend or the foe. I’d met the man, stripped down to his core, all flesh and bone. He’d shown who he was, and I had fallen hard. If that same man was on the other side of this door, then I had nothing to worry about at all.
I couldn’t make myself go in. Why was this so hard? Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I’d confessed my love for him after only really knowing him for what, like fifteen hours? My god, the timing.
Dani, why? This is why you can’t have nice things.
Maybe he’d forgotten. Yes, that was highly possible. He’d been delirious after all. And if he did have memories, I’d just gaslight the hell out of him and convince him he was mistaken. Yes. Perfect plan. Gaslight. Okay. I was ready.
My feet wouldn’t move.
Just go in, I told myself. He wants to see you.
I knocked lightly on the door.
“Come in.”
My heart did a happy somersault upon hearing his voice. It was raspier than I remembered, but unmistakably RJ’s.
I pushed the door open ever so slightly and peeked around it.
RJ took in my turtle-emerging-from-its-shell antics, and his eyes flashed with amusement. “Whatcha doing over there, Dani?”
I curved around the door and nudged it shut with my butt.
“Gathering the courage to talk to you,” I replied. Taking a step back, I rested my back against the now closed door.
“Huh. What do you need courage for? I thought we were past all that.”
“Right, except last time I saw you, I told you I loved you, and then I proceeded to cut your foot off. So now I’m feeling a bit awkward.”
“Ah,” he replied, the corner of his lip turning up. “I see where that might be a deal breaker for some guys. But I like it rough.”
My cackle could be heard down in the cafeteria, but with that one quick-witted reply, he’d managed to ease my anxious mind.
RJ beckoned me forward with a finger. “Come here.”
Tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, I tiptoed toward him.
“Why so bashful? The Dani I know is never shy.”
“Right, but that was before, when I thought you were turd-sniffing Chad Woodcock,” I replied, chasing his smile with my own. “But now that you’re RJ Contreras, superstar—well, that’s just slightly more intimidating.”
“Okay, first, I never sniffed turds as Chad Woodcock, and second, I’m a very humbled version of that superstar you’re referring to. Really, if anyone should be intimidated, it’s me.”
“Oh, okay, sure.”
“I’m not joking. I’m in the presence of greatness.”
“The only thing I’m great at is talking lots and lots.”
RJ’s playful expression faded. “I don’t know how you did it, Dani. I really don’t. You’re bite-sized. How did you drag my six-foot-two body through the rubble?”
The memory of it flashed through my skull, and I had to shake it off to answer him.
“I don’t know,” I said, taking the final steps to his side. I took his hand in mine. “I wanted you to live so bad. I was like one of those moms who lifts a car off her kid. I just… made it happen.”
“Well, I’m your biggest fan.” RJ grabbed my neck and pulled me down, planting a soft, sweet kiss to my lips. I sank into him, the relief making my knees weak. There had been no need for worry. This was the same the guy who’d called me hero and who’d let me shave his face while stuck in a hole. And now I knew he was also a guy who didn’t run away when the going got tough.
I peppered his face with kisses. “Just know, I tried so hard to get to you. Your mother proved harder to move than a mountain.”
“I know. I’m sorry she was such a pain in the ass. She’s been dealt with accordingly.”
“Uh-oh. I hope it wasn’t too bad. She looked upset in the hall.”
“We’ve decided to go our separate ways.”
I gaped, needing more clarity. “Like permanently?”
“Yes, or at least until my memory fades. When does Alzheimer’s set in again?”
“Forty-five, fifty more years.”
“That long?”
“Are you sure this is what you want?”
“No. But it’s what I need. I’ve been angry for so long. The negativity drags me down. I just want to be happy, with you.”
I pulled my salon-smelling hair to one side and leisurely kissed him. “That’s a plan I can get behind.”
“You think maybe the Lucky Swimmers Club might take me in, given that I too have a donor dad?”
Tapping into my greatest fear, my extremities drained of blood. “If you’re one of my sperm brothers, I give up. I’m never dating again.”
“Relax.” He laughed. “My father’s donation location was in the back of a seedy van. Yours was in a nice, sterile facility… over and over and over again.”
I smacked him, giggling.
“I missed you,” I said, settling against his side. “Like really, really missed you. Is that weird?”
“It should be, right?” he replied, wrapping his arms around me. “But I feel the same.”
“Breeze said experiencing what we did together bonded us. I like that theory.”
“Me too.” With his sleepy expression, RJ leaned in. I parted my lips in invitation, expecting him to dive right in but he had other pl
ans, ones I was ill-prepared to understand. His sensuous lips hovered around my lower lip, kissing and tugging on it lazily. I waited, anticipating his next move would be conquering my wanting mouth and kissing me like he’d just stepped into a boxing ring. But he didn’t. He stayed calm, and somehow that made the kiss all that much hotter. His touch. His breath. I could feel it everywhere in my body, and my heart rate quickened at just the anticipation. I could have stayed like that forever, locked in this slow-moving torture. To be sure, if we hadn’t been in his hospital room, that kiss would’ve ended very differently.
This was what I’d been after, the secret sauce I’d been searching for with the Jeremys—desire was the missing ingredient. And when he finally pulled back and our lips sensually disengaged, we lingered there in the overcharged space between us, gazing into each other’s eyes. It hit me then. I was no underdog. I had his heart in my hands—this man who’d grown up feeling unloved. He was trusting me to heal him in ways that only love could provide. And in return, he was offering me… everything.
25
Dani: Post-Apocalyptic Fairy Tale
The first day back at school was a rough one. The kids were unusually emotional, breaking down over the slightest things, no doubt the residual effects of the disruption to their lives. None of my kids had lost family members or their homes, but trauma was a tricky thing and could not always be measured in tangible ways. For many of these little six- and seven-year-olds, it was the first time they’d ever really known fear or that the world was not as safe as had once been promised.
I’d debated whether to go back when school resumed a week and a half after the quake. I’d only been reunited with RJ for a few days and didn’t like the idea of being away from him for large chunks of time. Plus, I was feeling strange; prone to impromptu weeping spells and not sleeping well, the horrible fate of those who died in my building keeping me awake at night. But my kids needed their teacher and reassurance that life would get back to normal soon. And so, I went back for them.
Still, it was a struggle walking into the school—literally. RJ’s fame was suddenly in my backyard. Cameras snapped pictures of me as nervous parents shielded their kids from harm’s way. Honestly, I was surprised I wasn’t sent home by the principal the minute I arrived. But once we were all tucked behind the gates and school was in session, I could almost fool myself into thinking everything was back to normal and I was living my former life with one small caveat—my brand spankin’ new celebrity boyfriend.
