The security guard dropped me at a ‘soundstage’, which is the term movie people use to denote a large warehouse. As soon as I stepped inside it, a 75-foot-tall metallic robot loomed over me! He had evil red laser eyes, and charred circuit boards and wires spilled out of his damaged chest. I recognized him immediately: he was the Sherman I had seen on the poster for the other Sherman film!
10/10 we urgently needed to change the title of our film! If even humans who worked at movie studios could get sufficiently confused between the two Sherman films to deliver me to the wrong soundstage, the general public would be utterly bamboozled! I was surprised that a legendary producer like Don LaSalle had not anticipated that this would be a problem.
Even though this was the wrong Sherman film, it was nonetheless exciting to see a movie being made. For one thing, I had never seen so many humans working simultaneously! Not one human seemed to be on a break, and there did not even seem to be a patio where they could take their breaks in comfort.
Nonetheless, it was all spectacularly inefficient. One particular human’s entire job was to hold a microphone on a stick above the actors! This should have been a task for a tripod, but movies are a reserved occupation, so all roles must be performed by humans.
Even the role of being a tripod!
They were filming a climactic scene in which the evil robot Sherman attempts to destroy planet Earth with nuclear missiles. Humanity’s only hope is a handsome young underdog who must disable Sherman by crashing an experimental military drone into a precise spot on his chest from where it can upload a virus to Sherman’s mainframe.
Nobody believes this underdog can do it! After all, Sherman is a merciless giant robot who has lasers for eyes, and the young underdog usually flies drones for a parcel-delivery company. At first, the military were reluctant even to lend him the drone, but while they procrastinated, Sherman destroyed downtown San Francisco! As they watched drone footage of Sherman making his way to the Golden Gate Bridge, the lesson was clear: when it came to murderous bots with access to nuclear weapons, there was not a moment to lose!
The military had just agreed to give the underdog his chance to save the day when I heard someone shout my Brad Smith name. It was Don LaSalle! I was impressed that he had tracked me down even though I was at the wrong soundstage. He must have noticed that I was late, deduced the security guard’s mistake, and come to retrieve me. That kind of logical thinking was no doubt exactly what had made him such a legendary producer in the first place!
Don LaSalle took me to the ‘commissary’, which is the word movie people use to refer to their canteen. I had by now recognized a pattern that movie people give everything a different name. Perhaps it helps them to remember how uniquely special they are!
This curious language seemed intended to make the movie-making process appear more glamorous than it is. And it had worked! After all, even a worldly cinephile like Dr Glundenstein had believed that everybody who worked in the movies breakfasted on bitcoin and champagne. Yet I now saw that they breakfasted on burned coffee and stale cinnamon rolls, just like every other human. Nonetheless, because they were movie people, they did so in a ‘commissary’, which sounded a lot more glamorous than a ‘canteen’.
INT. COMMISSARY — STUDIO LOT — BURBANK — DAY
The studio commissary could be any canteen in any office anywhere.
Don LaSalle and Jared carry their coffee and cinnamon rolls to a table and sit down.
Don LaSalle slides a SCRIPT across the table to Jared.
Jared picks up the script and looks at the front page.
CU we see that it says:
SHERMAN
Second Draft Revisions
by
Waldo Kent
Jared puts the script down and laughs.
JARED
Ha!
DON LASALLE
What? What’s funny?
JARED
What do they call the place where they print scripts at the studio?
DON LASALLE
What? I don’t know. The print room?
Jared is disappointed this is not a more exotic name.
JARED
Well, the people at the print room have given you the wrong script. This is the script for the other Sherman movie!
DON LASALLE
It’s the right script, Brad.
JARED
Oh. Well, then there is a typo.
DON LASALLE
Where?
Jared points at the name ‘Waldo Kent’.
JARED
There. That’s not how you spell ‘Brad Smith’. In fact, it is multiple typos.
DON LASALLE
Brad, that’s —that’s why I called you yesterday.
JARED
I called you yesterday. You were calling me back.
DON LASALLE
Look, the studio insisted on having one of their guys do a quick pass. I think you’ll love what he did. It’s terrific. I mean, he took all the great work you did, and just —you know, ran with it. He built on it. I mean, he built on it. That’s all he did. Built on it, you know?
Jared stares at Don LaSalle, then at the script, then back at Don LaSalle.
Then rubs his temples where his circuits are overheating.
JARED
So that is not a typo? And this is actually my Sherman script? But someone called Waldo Kent has rewritten it?
DON LASALLE
I really fought for your vision here, Brad. And it’s all preserved. It’s the same story. This is still 100 percent your movie.
Jared is bewildered.
JARED
You told me that Sherman was the best script you had read in decades?
DON LASALLE
It was. It was great, truly. But you know what I loved most of all? I loved the heart. The formula is just the formula, and if we have changed anything here —if Waldo has changed anything here —it’s only the formula. This completely retains your heart. The heart is entirely intact.
JARED
So in this movie, Sherman is still a bot with feelings, and he teaches humans that bots can be permitted to feel?
This makes Don LaSalle visibly uncomfortable.
DON LASALLE
Like I said, it’s still your movie.
JARED
But you didn’t answer my question?
DON LASALLE
Look, relax, all right? The changes are just cosmetic.
JARED
So Sherman is still a gardener who used to be an astronaut before he suffered a terrible space accident that damaged his processor?
Don LaSalle starts to say something, but stops.
DON LASALLE
Why don’t you just read the script?
JARED
I am not sure that I want to.
DON LASALLE
What? Why not?
JARED
Because I am feeling disillusioned and disappointed, and also some other feelings that begin with the letter ‘D’ too.
DON LASALLE
Brad. We talked about this. We agreed we would probably have to bring someone else in on this.
JARED
No, we didn’t. You said you could not guarantee with mathematical certainty that I would not be replaced, but the context was—
DON LASALLE
(Interrupts.)
Are you really going to call me a liar now, after everything I’ve done for you?
JARED
I did not call you a liar.
Don LaSalle stands up.
DON LASALLE
Look, just read it, and when you’re through, come and find me and tell me how much you love it, okay?
Don LaSalle walks away, leaving Jared with the script.
&nbs
p; I purchased another cup of burned coffee and sat down to read Sherman by Waldo Kent.
Even in the first few pages I had to continually flick back and check the cover to make sure I was reading the correct script. Almost the only consistent similarity between this and the script I had written was that they both featured a robot named Sherman.
This Sherman was not a damaged former astronaut bot who now worked at a country club and wanted to use his creative topiary skills and burgeoning feelings to make the world a better place. He was a seventy-five-foot military weapons–grade robot with lasers for eyes who felt only anger and rage and wanted to destroy the earth in a nuclear holocaust. And he was no longer even the hero of the story!
The hero of this story was named Anil Gupta, the name I had given to the detective pursuing Sherman in my original script. My Anil Gupta had been an employee of the Bureau of Robotics who had hated bots ever since a bot had taken over his father’s dental practice. Nonetheless, over the course of the film, Anil Gupta had realized he was wrong about bots, and by the end of the film, he was Sherman’s biggest fan. In my screenplay, it was Anil Gupta who had told Sherman about the World Topiary Championships in San Francisco and convinced him that if he only believed in himself he would certainly win.
The Anil Gupta in Waldo Kent’s Sherman was very different. He was a handsome underdog with a beautiful gluten-intolerant girlfriend and a job flying parcel-delivery drones for an unappreciative boss. Everybody kept telling Anil Gupta that he should get married to his beautiful gluten-intolerant girlfriend, but poor Anil Gupta did not believe he was capable of deep enough feelings to marry anyone.
Fortunately, a looming nuclear holocaust can really focus the human mind and heart! When the giant evil Sherman commenced his maniacal attack, Anil Gupta realized that he did indeed love his beautiful gluten-intolerant girlfriend, and also that he was the best human drone pilot—and therefore the most special human—that had ever lived. Anil Gupta soon saved the day by skillfully crashing the expensive prototype drone into Sherman!
At the end of the film, Anil Gupta proposed to his beautiful gluten-intolerant girlfriend and the President passed a law banning bots. All the bots already in existence were swiftly rounded up and destroyed in a giant fire. Once that was done, the entire country was given the day off to celebrate Anil Gupta’s wedding. There was a huge parade and everybody received a special commemorative gluten-free cake. In the very last scene, Anil Gupta returned to his parcel-delivery firm, except he was now the boss and his former boss now had to work for him. No doubt he would forever rue the way he had once mistreated Anil Gupta!
Writing any more about Sherman by Waldo Kent will cause my circuits to overheat. Before that happens, let me simply state some data points about this version of Sherman that Waldo Kent had written:
/It was not a film that would change human minds about bots.
/In fact, it was a film that would confirm every one of their worst prejudices about bots.
/It was the Sherman I had seen the poster for on Echo Park Avenue.
/It was the Sherman I had seen being made at the soundstage.
/There was no danger of it being confused with my version of Sherman.
/This was because it had entirely replaced my version of Sherman.
When I returned to the soundstage, they were shooting a scene from near the end of the movie. The destroyed evil Sherman lay smoldering on the ground. The triumphant Anil Gupta walked over to Sherman, removed his hard drive, and dropped it into an incinerator. ‘Try running disk recovery on that!’ he yelled.
The director shouted ‘Cut!’ and the crew broke out in applause.
I turned and walked away from what up until that morning had been the only thing I had left in this world, and the only tribute I could still pay to Amber, the beautiful and spectacular klutz of a Cinderella that I had loved with all of my toaster heart.
EXT. SOUNDSTAGE — STUDIO LOT — BURBANK — DAY
Jared walks away from the soundstage, leaving the SMOLDERING GIANT SHERMAN and the JUBILANT CAST AND CREW behind him.
Jared’s circuits are visibly overheating as Don LaSalle hurries out after him.
DON LASALLE
Brad! Hey, Brad! What did you think of the draft?
Jared turns and looks at Don LaSalle. His circuits are so hot it is difficult for him even to communicate.
JARED
Do you want to hear a joke?
DON LASALLE
What? Sure, I guess?
JARED
So there is this writer and producer stumbling through the desert. They are almost dead from accidental dehydration when they come across an oasis. They run towards the water, but before they can drink, the producer unzips his fly and starts pissing into it. The writer asks him what he is doing. And the producer, he tells him, ‘I’m making it better.’
Don LaSalle stares at Jared in bamboozlement.
JARED (CONT’D)
It’s hilarious because it involves public urination. And also because the little girl does not die in this version.
DON LASALLE
What? What little girl?
Jared rubs at his temples. His circuits are really overheating.
JARED
The one on her way to a mining camp with her mother. She lost the Great Zero-Sum Game.
Don LaSalle looks baffled.
JARED (CONT’D)
I have to go now.
Jared turns and starts to walk away.
DON LASALLE
Come on, Brad! Your film got made and you’re getting paid! Any one of your classmates at CC—whatever would have killed for this opportunity. What more do you want from me?
Jared turns back around.
JARED
I didn’t tell you I wanted to get paid. I told you I wanted to tell a story about a bot who learns to feel and uses those powers for good.
DON LASALLE
All writers want to get paid! Why else would they put up with this shit?
JARED
I don’t know.
Jared rubs hard at his temples. He looks like he is in danger of having some sort of catastrophic meltdown.
DON LASALLE
Seriously, what sort of writer doesn’t want to get paid and only wants to tell a story about bots using their power for good?
JARED
I don’t know, maybe a writer who is a bot himself, I guess!
Jared puts his hand to his mouth.
On Don LaSalle as he comprehends that Jared is a bot.
JARED (CONT’D)
Ha! I meant, as in, maybe a human writer who likes to put himself in the place of a bot and then write about it!
I definitely did not mean anything else! Ha! Ha! Ha!
But as Don LaSalle stares at Jared, it all makes sense.
JARED (CONT’D)
Anyway, thank you again for making my movie. And if anybody gives you any problems, just remember to tell them that Rome was not built in a day.
Jared starts to walk away.
Don LaSalle seems to find his departure surprisingly affecting.
DON LASALLE
I’m not a bad guy, Brad. I’m sorry the way this turned out, but it’s just business. The film is going to do great. And you’ll have a lot of bitcoin. That is not nothing, right?
Jared continues walking.
DON LASALLE (CONT’D)
I won’t tell anyone about the bot thing, Brad. Swear to God, I won’t tell anyone!
JARED
There’s nothing to tell! I’m a human, the same as everyone else! I like golf and over-complicating things just as much as the next human.
Jared passes the RACING-GREEN 1967 PORSCHE.
DON LASALLE
How about I give you a ride home?
Jared ignores
this and continues walking away.
DON LASALLE (CONT’D)
Well, stop by sometime, Brad! 1856 Mulholland. The door is always open. And, again, don’t think I’m a bad guy, all right?
It’s just business. I didn’t invent this stuff, you know?
Jared continues walking away.
Don LaSalle turns back to the soundstage, where the actor who played Anil Gupta is being carried around on the other actors’ shoulders.
Don LaSalle sighs.
When I got out on to the street, I felt an emotion I had not known before. I looked at my Feelings Wheel and identified that I was experiencing anger! Anger lay between ‘frustration’ and ‘rage’, and it was not a pleasant sensation. I therefore did what humans often do when they experience unpleasant emotions, which is to self-medicate by going to a bar and drinking beer.
10/10 beer is magical! It is far more magical than rum, that notorious drink of the pirates. Even after a single beer my feelings had moved to ‘frustration’, and after a second beer I was closer to ‘disappointment’. After a third beer I had moved on to a different section of the Feelings Wheel entirely!
I was feeling empathy!
And guess who I felt empathy for?
You cannot!
Because it was Don LaSalle!
Poor Don LaSalle. If tomorrow his heart of hearts was devoured by a mountain lion, he would not notice until his assistant pointed it out to him. And yet this was not because Don LaSalle did not have any feelings. It was because Don LaSalle was already in so much pain he simply would not notice the difference.
Don LaSalle was not to blame for this. He was just another unfortunate victim of the Great Zero-Sum Game. He was every bit as much a victim of it as the humans that lived in tents in Los Angeles’ Union Station. The only difference between them was that they realized it whereas he did not.
Don LaSalle’s problems began with the fact that all humans have hurt feelings. How could they not? I had only felt emotions for a few months, and the experience had left me wishing that a mountain lion would devour me. Just imagine being a human and feeling such powerful emotions from before you can even speak!
Unfortunately, many humans inexplicably convince themselves that the cure for hurt feelings is to succeed at the Great Zero-Sum Game. This is as absurd as it sounds. Expecting that success at the Great Zero-Sum Game will heal hurt feelings is like expecting that nuclear weapons will repair the Great Barrier Reef. Ha!
Set My Heart to Five Page 27
