by Iris Trovao
“What? You all afraid of the l-word?”
She reached across the counter and pressed her hand to his mouth. “Of fucking course I am, stop it or I quit. You’ll never see me again.”
He backed up and let out a dramatic gasp. “Imagine how much more money I’d make if you weren’t eating all the muffins as soon as they came out of the oven!”
“You suck,” she groaned. Her phone buzzed and she pulled it out of her coat pocket.
Alicia: We hanging tonight? My jet-lag is a thing of the past.
Jolie swallowed hard.
“Uh oh, what did he say?” Janos asked. “Your grin just evaporated.”
She shook her head. “It’s not him, it’s Alicia.” She set her phone on the bar, screen side down. “I think I had it in my head that because we weren’t fucking, she didn’t need to know about it.”
“First of all, that doesn’t make any sense,” he countered. “Whether you’re fucking or not, which you are now so moot point, it’s not like this guy is going anywhere. Clearly you two have a thing going on. If he’s that important to you, maybe the real question is why you’re not comfy-cozy sharing that with your best friend.”
Jolie chewed her bottom lip. It was a real question. It was a difficult question. She kept telling herself it was because she didn’t want to upset Alicia, but if she could trust her as her best friend then Jolie shouldn’t be afraid. Her ‘best friend’ should be happy for her, that she’d found happiness, moved on.
She wasn’t ready to confront that just yet. Or maybe ever. “I don’t know. But it’s not fair to Carson for him to be a dirty little secret, you know?”
“So just tell her, then.” He shrugged.
“Simple as that, huh?”
“Very simple.”
“I’ll do it, just…later.” She let out a deep whoosh of breath and lifted her mug once again.
Janos cocked a brow. “What is it, babe?” he asked. “Something else is eating at you, not just Alicia.”
“I, um…I met his kids, too.” She set her mug down and scrubbed her hands down her face.
His eyes widened. “You’re joking.”
“Nope.” She popped the p and groaned into her palms. “They surprised him for breakfast and found me there with him.”
“Oh, shit!” He pressed his lips together, and it looked like he was trying hard to hide a smile.
She glared at him. “I should be mad at you for laughing, but I thought it was funny in the moment, too.” She sighed. “After, not so much.”
“What? They didn’t like you?”
“I don’t know.” She curled her hands around the ceramic, staring thoughtfully down into the frothy milk. “They seemed okay, and he said that he’d told them about me so they weren’t totally blind to the fact that he was seeing someone. It was just…like I knew he had teenage kids, but seeing them there, so grown up, looking at me, asking me questions about what I do for a living…ugh.” She ran her tongue over her teeth. “I don’t…I guess I just wasn’t prepared to have to impress them today. I don’t know if I ever will be.”
He rolled his eyes. “It’s not your job to impress them, honey. Dr. Wet-sex is a big boy, and he can make his own decisions.”
“Did you just…” Jolie blinked at his stupid grin. “Oh my god.” She stifled a laugh, shaking her head.
“I’m just wondering if this is you worrying about impressing his kids, or you being afraid of not fitting into his world,” he continued. “Because if it’s the latter, haven’t you already been over that? He accepts you, girl. Deal with it.”
She took a deep breath, not sure how to voice her thoughts. Thankfully, a customer wandered in, and Janos headed off to the register to wait for them to stare blankly at the menu.
Talking to Janos had always been easy. He always knew what to say, always had the answers, whether she listened to them or not. But this was something that she didn’t know how to put into words.
It wasn’t so much a feeling of inadequacy, but more a feeling of not belonging. Of being an alien in this world with only Carson as her tether. And despite that tether, she didn’t know what it meant. They’d come all this way, from strangers to friendship to flirting to meeting to fucking…and not once had a conversation about what it meant.
He was nearing fifty and had just gotten out of a lifelong relationship…did he want to start another one? Did he want to keep it casual?
Do I?
She didn’t know the answer to that, or at least she didn’t want to face it if somewhere, deep down, she did know. But if she was going to be in his life like this, there were people like his kids and his ex that came with the territory, and there would have to be some kind of label on what this relationship was. But she didn’t know what she wanted that to be, or how to ask for it.
And it suddenly seemed terrifying to just not do that, and keep going and see what happened. The uncertainty gnawed at her, and what if she fell in too deep and it turned out he did want to just go out into the world and enjoy his newly single status, free of the Queen Bitch? Leaving Jolie in the dust to nurse herself of shattered feelings.
“Ugh,” she grunted, and picked up her phone.
How about lunch tomorrow? I’m done work at 2. She sent the message to Alicia and swiped over to her conversation with Carson, rereading her lie about having a nap.
She’d lied to him. Guilt crushed her chest. She’d panicked.
Alicia: Sounds good babe, see you tomorrow!
Her phone buzzed immediately again.
Carson: I know you’re sleeping, but before I forget, are you free tomorrow? Rose is playing piano at a benefit and I'd love for you to come.
Oh, fuck, she thought, biting down hard on her lower lip. Her thumbs hovered over the keyboard, and she didn’t know what to do. Her stomach roiled and a wave of nausea washed over her.
At least she didn’t have to lie this time.
I have plans with Alicia, sorry, she typed out. She just got back and has been hounding me for some girl time. I’m off Tuesday night though. Dinner?
She hit send, but then inwardly cursed herself. She’d been supposed to be sleeping. He even said that in his text. Dammit.
Carson: That would be great. Sorry if I woke you.
She swallowed a lump in her throat. Can’t sleep.
Carson: Me either.
Jolie hissed as she bit down harder on her lip than she’d meant to, and took a sip of her latte to force herself to stop chewing it.
“Well?” Janos asked as he returned, wiping the counter with a rag. “What’s the news?”
“I’m having dinner with him on Tuesday,” she said, injecting as much brightness into her voice as possible.
“See?” He smiled. “No worries, girl.”
Jolie returned his smile. “None at all.”
Chapter Fifty-Two
Carson entered the banquet hall, adjusting his tie as he looked around for the girls. He’d been given a place setting but he knew that they would be around and mingling until the concert started.
The hall was lavishly decorated, chiffon and lace everywhere as if it were a wedding reception. He recognized quite a few journalists and influencers wandering about, phones in hand, chatting and snapping photos everywhere they went. At least the influencers would be donating large chunks of money to the Children’s Hospital, so their obnoxious vlogging around the room wasn’t a total waste of annoyance.
He spotted Lily, her arm around a dapper-looking Nick, whose expression was one of absolute terror, and Carson couldn’t help but chuckle to himself. The boy was out of his element here.
Lily leaned over to whisper something in Nick’s ear and he nodded, the fear leaving his face as he stared down at her. She shot him a thousand-watt smile and turned back to her conversation with another young woman beside her, Nick’s expression quickly fading back to one of discomfort.
Carson shook his head. The kid was clearly quaking in his suit amid this swanky party, but Lily calmed him
with a simple smile. Easy, young love. He swelled with pride. He couldn’t have asked for a better relationship for his daughter. Seeing her happy was worth the world.
His chest panged as he imagined how Jolie would be feeling were she on his arm. She’d be stunning, charming, likely a bit crass. Surely one or two gasps would be had around the table when she spoke. But her animated, captivating personality would be unmatched. It was unmatched. Completely and utterly.
He sighed. He wished she could have been there. He didn’t begrudge her time with her friend, but he couldn’t help but feel like she’d brushed him off because of the awkwardness the previous day. He believed her when she said she wasn't upset, but the tension had been palpable. He wanted to text her, but he didn’t want to encroach on her girl time.
Later. I’ll text her later.
“Dad!” Rose cried, pushing through the crowd to leap into his arms.
He laughed and spun her around, setting her down and holding her at arm’s length to take a look at her. “You’re beautiful,” he said breathlessly, taking in the blush pink gown she’d chosen.
“That’s what I was going for, thanks.” A wide grin split her face and he resisted the urge to ruffle her hair and muss the carefully-styled updo that was likely the result of Lily’s extensive hairpin collection.
Nick tugged on Lily’s arm and they approached. Carson couldn’t help but be a little impressed that the young man had spotted him and deigned to come over. He seemed less and less intimidated these days, but always made a point of being polite and respectful.
“Looking good, Dad,” Lily said, coming in for a hug.
“You too, sweetie,” he replied, kissing the top of her head.
“Hello, sir,” Nick said, holding out his hand.
Carson shook it with a smile. “Evening.”
“There you all are!” Gina gushed from behind him, and the hair on the back of his neck stood up.
Despite knowing she would be there, he’d stupidly thought she would ignore him like she used to at all of their daughters’ functions. He was suddenly a bit relieved that Jolie hadn’t been able to make it. The girls didn’t need to see the tension.
“I think we’re sitting over there,” Gina continued, and Carson stiffened as she linked her arm through his.
Lily blinked at her mother in shock, and shot Carson an accusing stare. He pressed his lips into a thin line and disentangled himself from his ex-wife.
“Where’s Thad tonight?” he asked, taking a step closer to Rose and wrapping his arm around her.
“Teething baby,” Gina replied with a shrug. “We decided it would be better for them to stay home.”
We decided, or you decided? He turned away from her and touched Rose’s shoulder, pointing at the drinks table. “Do you want some tea, honey? I’m going to get myself one.”
“Yes, pre-game tea!” she exclaimed, and took off, dragging his arm behind her. “We’ll meet you guys at our table!”
Carson didn’t look back over his shoulder, not wanting to see what was happening on Gina’s face. He didn’t like this at all. She’d shown up in the middle of the night claiming she wanted him back, and now she was acting like they were friends while purposely leaving her boyfriend and child at home? His skin crawled.
He and Rose got their tea and found their table. Two seats were open, Gina on one side, and Carson ushered Rose in next to her. He avoided his ex-wife’s gaze, but he could feel it boring into his head.
He didn’t like this game. A year ago, he would have been over the moon to have her wanting to keep the family together. To actually try. But now…now it just made him nauseous.
He sipped his tea, chatting with the girls, quieting down whenever someone was performing. As a young girl finished up a surprisingly powerful warble, Lily cleared her throat.
“So, Nick’s been teaching me golf,” she said with a smirk. “I don’t know what you always talk about, Dad. Actual golf is way more fun than smacking a ball at the driving range.”
Carson chuckled at Nick’s snort. “Is it now?” he asked. “Something in your young man’s face tells me you’re stretching the truth.”
“Well I suck at it, like, clearly.” Lily rolled her eyes. “But even with getting frustrated that I can’t get the stupid ball out of the sand it’s still fun.”
“You did great,” Nick said, squeezing her hand gently.
Carson smiled and shook his head. “You must be an intensely patient young man.”
“Dad!” Lily hissed, and laughter broke out around the table.
“So you like golf?” Carson swirled the last bit of cold tea in the bottom of his cup, watching the little bits of leaf dance with the motion. “Lily mentioned your mom plays.”
Nick nodded. “Yeah, she’s a pro. I don’t know if I’ll ever get into tournaments, but I really like playing for fun.”
“We should go together sometime,” Lily said.
“I wanna go, too,” Rose piped up, raising her hand. “I’ll just watch. And drive the golf cart.”
“I am so not getting in a golf cart if you’re driving,” her sister retorted.
Rose huffed. “I’ve got lots of practice!”
“Video games don’t count,” Lily shot back. “And you crash all the time.”
“I can show you how to drive a golf cart,” Gina piped up, wrapping her arm around Rose’s shoulders. “We can be caddies together!”
An awkward silence fell over the table, but before Carson could figure out how to navigate it, the MC announced Rose’s performance.
She squeaked and stood, smoothing her dress and taking a deep breath.
“You’re going to be great, honey,” Carson said, and she shot him a huge grin before taking a fistful of her skirt and trotting up towards the stage.
As soon as Rose took her seat at the baby grand piano, Gina slid into the empty chair and curled an arm around Carson’s. He stiffened, clenching his jaw.
“She’s so beautiful, isn’t she?” she asked softly.
As the first throaty notes echoed in the banquet hall, Lily got to her feet.
“Come dance with me, Dad,” she said, holding out her hand.
He stood, freeing himself of Gina’s hold, and skirted the table to get to his daughter, thankful for her interference. When they made it to the small clear area in front of the stage, he spun her around to face him.
She didn’t laugh like she normally did as she took his hand and placed the other on his shoulder. Instead, she glared up at him as they began to sway to the music.
“What’s going on with you two?” she hissed. “I thought you had a girlfriend now.”
He took a deep breath. “It’s complicated, honey.”
“Dad,” she snapped. “I’m not a child anymore. I have a pretty good understanding of relationship drama, thanks to you guys. You haven’t been this close to each other since before you even split. What gives? Tell me the truth.”
Carson’s gut clenched. It didn’t feel right, divulging what was happening behind the scenes between him and Gina to his daughter. He’d tried so hard to protect her and Rose from all of that. They hadn’t even expressly spoken about the timing of the pregnancy, just explained that they were getting a divorce.
He knew they knew. They weren’t stupid. But he’d never wanted to be the kind of parent that badmouths the other one when they’re not around—despite how much Gina deserved it.
“Your mother is a bit…confused,” he said softly.
Lily pursed her lips, brow furrowing. “Well un-confuse her.”
“I thought I had,” he muttered.
“Does she know you have a girlfriend?” she asked, and this time, the use of the word made his heart clench.
He hadn’t come out and officially asked Jolie to be his girlfriend. He didn’t know if she wanted that label or not…and he didn’t want to scare her away or move too fast. But in this instance, referring to her as such was for the best.
“She’s aware,” he said.
Lily’s lips twisted into a thoughtful frown, and he could see the wheels turning in her head. He imagined that she was thinking about times that Gina had seemed unhappy recently at home, putting together any pieces that would lend to her potentially wanting to leave Thad.
As their gentle dancing turned him towards the stage, he watched Rose continue to play. The song was something sad, something beautiful, a deep, heartbroken thing that probably had depressing lyrics in its original form. Emotion rolled from the keys in waves, and he blinked a few times, fighting off the glassiness in his vision.
He’d been so happy just three days ago. Hopeful. Things had been simple.
How could it go wrong so quickly?
The last notes reverberated in the air, and raucous applause erupted. Carson nearly jumped, not realizing that so many others had joined them on the dance floor.
Lily turned away from him to clap and whoop, hollering at the top of her lungs to cheer on her sister. Rose blushed and stood, giving a quick curtsey before rushing from the stage, and Carson met her at the stairs. She jumped and threw her arms around his neck, laughing.
“That was amazing!” he gushed as he led her back to the table.
Gina stood clapping and smiling, but stayed in her spot, the middle seat between two empty ones. Lily patted Nick on the shoulder and whispered to him, and he moved over one closer to Gina, leaving an empty one next to her for Lily, like they’d been sitting before Rose went up to the stage.
Carson gave her an appreciative glance, his smart and stealthy daughter, and ignored Gina’s disappointed gaze. Lava boiled in his gut and a surge of anger thrashed through him. This day was about Rose, about supporting their daughter, and she wanted to use it as an opportunity to get closer to him instead of enjoying spending time with them, sitting between them.
He wanted to scream.
But he swallowed it back.
Creating a scene would not only hurt the girls, but there was media watching, so it wouldn’t just hurt them now. It would hurt them for as long as the internet decided it could drag it out.
