by Claire Raye
Liz laughs, realizing that I’m being a smart ass. “Good, and you told her…”
I take a deep breath, letting it out on a long slow exhale. “And I told her how I resented the fact that I’d stayed in Providence.”
Liz writes something on her notepad before she looks up at me again. “And why did you stay in Providence?”
Her question surprises me. I’d expected her to ask me about why I was so pissed off that I’d stayed or to tell me that I should talk to Reid and Sie about it, let them know how I feel. But that’s not what she asks and for a second, I don’t know how to answer her.
“Because someone had to,” I eventually say, my hands up as if to say, why else.
“And why do you think that person was you?”
I shove a hand through my hair, wondering why the fuck she’s asking me this. “Better me than Sie.”
“Why?” she pushes.
“Because,” I start, my frustration now building. “She deserves better than that.”
“And you don’t?”
I can feel my heart rate speeding up, my limbs suddenly feeling restless as a warm flush creeps up my neck. “It doesn’t matter what I deserve,” I say, my voice detached, almost as though someone else is saying these words. “But Sienna didn’t deserve the shit storm she would’ve got had she stayed. She, she…” I trail off, not knowing what else to say.
Liz says nothing at first, just watches me as I sit across from her. Her gaze makes me feel uneasy because I know she’s judging me, thinking god knows what as she waits for me to explain why I stayed, why me staying was so much better than Sienna.
But how do I explain to her all the shit I went through? All the crap I had to sort out, all the bullshit our father dished out? I never would’ve wanted Sienna to have to deal with any of that, most of it she doesn’t even know about. Not what he did or all the things that came after.
“She what, Caleb?” Liz prompts.
“She wouldn’t have been able to handle it,” I spit out, my words harsh as I struggle with even having to talk about this.
“Why?”
I shake my head, rolling my eyes as I stand and walk over to the window of her office. It looks out over the parking lot, the street that leads to her office building. I stand with my back to Liz, wondering why she’s pushing this, why we have to go down this path when it has nothing to do with what’s happened here in Hawthorn.
“Caleb?”
“Because she cares too much. She’s too good,” I eventually say. “She wouldn’t have been able to do what she needed to do.”
“And what’s that exactly?”
I suck in a breath, my eyes closing as my mind flashes back to everything that happened back in Providence. The arguments with our father, the drunken fights that almost always ended in some kind of scuffle between the two of us. If I was lucky, he passed out before it got bad, but more often than not, it didn’t go that way. More often than not I had to physically stop him from doing all the things he threatened me with, the venomous words he spat out at me.
It got worse over the years too, as the bar and our family legacy continued to disappear into an ever-expanding black hole of debt and loans and Ray fucking Bowen. And as this happened, so too did Dad’s drinking. And his violence.
I finally turn around and find Liz watching me, as though she’s just waiting until I’m ready to talk. “She wouldn’t have been able to stand up to him,” I finally say.
Liz nods once, the movement small and barely noticeable as she swallows and says, “And do you resent her for this, for feeling like you had to be the one who—”
“No,” I say, cutting her off. “No fucking way do I resent Sie for that. God, she’s my sister, all I ever wanted to do was protect her.”
Liz offers me a small smile now. “Kind of makes you a carer too, doesn’t it?”
I shake my head. “No, it makes me her brother,” I say. “And me staying while she left was the right thing to do.”
I watch as Liz puts her notepad and pen on the coffee table in front of her before resting her joined hands on her crossed legs. She looks up at me, a kind smile on her face as she watches me for a few seconds, almost as though she’s gauging my true feelings on all of this.
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with resenting your sister for leaving,” she starts and almost immediately I’m cutting her off with, “I don’t resent her!”
Liz holds up a hand. “You were dealt an unfair hand in life, Caleb,” she continues, ignoring my comment. “And you tried to make the best of it by protecting your sister and salvaging what you could of life at home. It’s natural to be angry about this, just like it’s natural to resent others who managed to leave. It doesn’t make you a bad person.”
I let out a humorless laugh, unable to believe what she’s saying is even remotely true. “We were both dealt an unfair hand,” I say, making my way back to my chair. “A shit life that neither of us asked for or wanted. I just chose to get her out of it so she could go on and have a good life.”
“A life you deserve, too.”
“So what?” I half shout, pissed off now. “What should I have done? Left as well? Let everything really go to shit? Or should I have told Sie to stay, let her try and wrestle our drunken asshole of a father out of the bar and into bed on a nightly basis? Let her be the one on the receiving end of his threats and his fists? Jesus.”
Liz doesn’t say anything now, just sits there quietly watching me, as though she’s waiting for me to say more. I don’t though, turning and pacing the room, my hands on my head as I try to process what the fuck I’ve just said and why.
No one knows about the shit my dad did to me or tried to do. I never told anyone and I never bothered to explain the occasional black eye I got when he somehow managed to hold his liquor better than usual.
And I definitely didn’t tell anyone about the times I hit back. When it was the only thing I could do to stop him.
“My father was a violent drunk,” I eventually say, my heart pounding behind my ribcage as I actually say the words out loud. “He didn’t care where his fists landed or who they were directed at. There was no way I could’ve let Sie stay and have to face that.”
“I can absolutely understand that, Caleb,” Liz says, her tone kind. “And I’m sure if your sister knew the why of all this, she would understand too.”
I scoff, my hands pushed back into my hair as I turn and face her. “You think she’d understand about all the times I had to hit him back?” I ask, my question laced with sarcasm. “How that makes me no different to him and no different to my best friend’s dad who beat the shit out of me? You think she’d be so forgiving of the fact I beat the shit out of my girlfriend’s professor if she knew the things I’d done to our own father?”
Liz stands now and walks over to where I’m standing, stopping in front of me. She doesn’t say anything at first, just waits, almost as though she’s checking to make sure I’ve finished talking.
“Do you think she’d be afraid of you?”
I let out a hard breath, suddenly exhausted. “I don’t know, she probably should be.”
She smiles now, stepping closer as she puts a hand on my arm. “Well, I think,” she starts, gently squeezing, “that you are being incredibly hard on yourself. I know you think what you had to do makes you a bad person, but, Caleb, that’s just not true.”
“Easy for you to say,” I mutter, turning away from her.
“Why don’t you try talking to your sister,” Liz suggests, ignoring my comment. “I’m sure she’s dealing with her own issues from your childhood. She probably wants to talk to you about it.”
I nod my head in acknowledgement, because of course Sie has her own issues, how could she not. Just because she didn’t have to go through the last two years like I did, doesn’t mean she didn’t go through her own shit. God knows we both had eighteen years of it growing up with him.
“Have you ever spoken to her about your childhood
or those two years you were alone in Providence?” Liz prompts.
“No,” I reply.
“Why not?”
I lift a shoulder wondering how I explain that that’s just who we are. We don’t talk, we bury shit, bury it so deep we can try and pretend it doesn’t exist.
“I know it seems hard, Caleb,” she continues when it’s obvious I don’t have an answer to her question. “But I think you might be surprised by your sister’s reaction. I think you might actually find that she carries her own guilt and worry about all of this.”
I look up at her, the easy smile she gives me, the reassuring way in which she sits there watching me. It’s so fucking hard not to want to believe her, but at the same time, a part of me can’t. Just like a part of doesn’t want to burden Sienna with all of this shit I carry.
“I know it doesn’t seem like it,” she adds. “But one day, I promise this will get easier and I think a big part of that will be when you start sharing with your sister what you’ve been through, when she starts sharing it with you too. You might find you have more in common than you think.”
By the time I get home, it’s late in the afternoon, having gone to work for a while after my appointment with Liz. I haven’t seen Ruby all day and as I walk into the bedroom I share with her, I’m both happy to see her and weirdly nervous about all the shit I talked about today, almost as though Ruby will somehow be able to see it written all over my face.
“Hey,” I say, closing the door behind me.
Ruby looks up at me, her face a mix of worry and something that might be fear. It makes my heart race, a nervous energy coursing through my veins as I walk over to the bed, sit down beside her and reach for her hand.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
Ruby shrugs, her gaze falling to our joined hands. “Nothing.”
I reach over and slip my fingers under her chin, turning her toward me. “Bullshit,” I say softly. “Talk to me,” I add, my eyes widening a little in encouragement.
I watch as Ruby takes a long, deep breath in before slowly letting it out, her fingers tightening around mine as she shuffles so she’s facing me. “I heard some stuff while I was on campus today,” she starts.
“Fuck,” I mutter, sliding closer to her. “Babe, I’m—”
“No,” she says, cutting me off as her other hand moves to my cheek. “It wasn’t about you, it was…”
She trails off and again, I move closer, pulling her into my arms as I lean back against the headboard. “Please talk to me,” I say again. “Tell me what happened.”
Ruby looks up at me, her head resting on my shoulder as I wrap my arms around her. My heart pounds in my chest, my nerves on edge as I try to imagine what the fuck she could have possibly heard today.
“Someone approached me,” she starts and I can tell she’s nervous too, as though she’s afraid to tell me whatever it is that’s happened. “I…I wasn’t sure whether to believe her but…”
“But what?” I ask.
Ruby exhales hard. “But it seems like maybe I wasn’t the only one Professor Keller did stuff to.”
“What?”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Ruby
“Professor Keller is a stalker,” I tell Caleb, coldly, because at the end of the day, we all knew something wasn’t quite right. I guess I just never truly believed it would be taken this far and this poor girl who approached me and shared her story has no one supporting her. She’s been silenced by Professor Keller, by the police and even by students who have backed this asshole professor.
It couldn’t be more obvious what’s happening here. The manipulation and the power trip are out of control.
“What did she tell you?” Caleb asks, confusion and shock spilling from his words. “Did she go to the police? How do you think she knew you’d believe her?” He’s talking so fast, his brain processing everything this means for not just him but also this girl. “Did you get her name? A phone number?”
“Yes, I have her name and a number for her, but I’m not certain she wants anyone broadcasting what she went through out to the public.”
“Well, then why the hell did she tell you?” Caleb snaps and I understand his frustration, but what happened to me and how Caleb responded is different than what happened to this girl. She didn’t just have her privacy invaded by some creepy professor watching her through the blinds of her bedroom window.
It was so much worse.
“Caleb,” I say, pausing to let his name sink in and all that it implies. He needs to settle down and realize he isn’t the only one wrapped up in this mess now.
“Ruby,” he says, my name holding the same shaming bite as the way I said his. “Do you understand what this could do for my civil case? We need her statement. We need Ed to interview her, because if she can corroborate our story then we have someone else on our side. Do you understand this?”
His intensity can be felt in every part of my body and filling the room, but we need to approach this carefully. He sees this as his opportunity to clear his name and have someone else back him other than Sie, Reid and me.
“I do understand. I fully understand and of course I had this same reaction, but Caleb, she’s been through hell and back. I’m shocked she’s still going to school here.”
“You really need to start talking because all this cryptic shit isn’t helping.”
I take in a deep breath, and despite knowing she told me I could share her story with Caleb and our lawyer, it’s still hard to talk about. It hits so close to home and my thoughts are now consumed with what could’ve happened if Caleb hadn’t been here that night. How close was I to having the same thing happen? How long had Professor Keller been watching me? Long enough to take it to the next level?
He’d gotten away with it once before, but I doubt she was his first or his last and that’s the part that scares the hell out of me.
“He broke into her apartment and attacked her,” I finally spill. “He raped her, Caleb. Her name is Meagan Wade.”
“What?”
All I can do is nod in response. I don’t know what more to say. It’s enough, and I know Caleb is running through every thought I’ve already had. And I’m sure he’s also validating what he did to Professor Keller in our alleyway. If he isn’t, he should be.
“How? When?” Caleb now asks, the words coming out stuttered and ragged. “Ruby...” My name falls from his lips in a desperate plea and for a second I think he might cry. It’s hitting him now what could’ve happened if he hadn’t been home, if he hadn’t stepped in to protect me.
All this time he’s been living with the guilt that maybe he took things too far, that maybe he lost it and overreacted. Even the police, the legal system and the media outlets have portrayed him as crazy and combative.
“It happened during the summer session. Just a few months back and she went to the campus police, but they dismissed her. She then went to the Hawthorn police, but they did the same thing, telling her they talked to the campus police. They called her hysterical and obsessed with him.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? Why would they say that?” he asks, confused by it, but it’s about to make more sense in a few seconds.
“She was having an affair with him and she admitted that to the police. But she had broken it off with him and Professor Keller didn’t react well to that.”
“So because she at one time had consensual sex with him, she couldn’t possibly have been raped by him, huh?”
“Exactly. That’s what the police said. They even told her it was probably just rough sex and maybe she wasn’t used to that.” Saying it out loud makes me nauseous and my heart breaks for her. Her life has been totally fucked up and no one cares.
“We have to call Ed. We have to get him involved and not just because it will help my civil case. This girl needs our help, even more so than we need hers,” Caleb now insists and just when I didn’t think I could love him anymore, he manages to surprise me with how wonderful he is.
> “Thank you,” I whisper, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him against me.
“I’m going to call Ed and fill him in. I’ll let you know what he says and if he needs anything,” Caleb tells me, kissing my forehead. “We’re going to make this right, Ruby. We’re going to stop this from happening again.”
Caleb leaves the room and I listen to him walk out the front door. He wants privacy and running the risk of Sienna or Reid hearing the conversation too early in the game could throw things off.
I climb off the bed and walk to the window, pulling up the blinds as I try to picture exactly what happened with Professor Keller. I wonder how many times he’d been out there and if anyone ever saw him. It’s then that I notice a security camera attached to a small garage toward the end of the alleyway. I’d never noticed it before and I guess it’s possible the owners put it up after the shit went down with Caleb and Professor Keller.
Generally Hawthorn is a quiet town with the only real issues coming from college kids having a few too many drinks on a Friday night. And even that isn’t an issue unless you’re trying to sleep. They’re mostly loud and boisterous, tipping over a few garbage cans and falling asleep on people’s porches.
But the longer I stand here looking at the camera, the more my curiosity is piqued, wondering just what may have been recorded on it.
I slip on a pair of shoes and rush out of my room, not bothering to interrupt Caleb with my half-baked idea. I fly through the back door and down the alley to where the camera is mounted. I look around, waiting a few seconds to see if anyone happens to come along and park a car in the garage, but I’m not that lucky.
I jog around the corner, coming to the house that I think belongs to the garage. It’s hard to know, with how close together the houses are, but it’s worth a try.
I knock on the door, waiting with bated breath for someone to answer, hoping this turns out to be something else we can add to our case against Professor Keller.
An older man answers the door, eyeing me suspiciously as I bounce on the balls of my feet, far too excited about the prospect of getting everything that’s happened on camera.
