‘Sure, you just take your time,’ she answered and watched him as he rose to his feet and walked towards the quieter end of the ward.
A young couple, weary and pale, clutched each other as they sat on the chairs further down, a green plastic bag lay by their feet. Kelly nodded at them solemnly as he passed. Were they one of the lucky ones? Did they get to hear those elusive, reassuring words? There’s a heartbeat, bleeding is normal, the baby is fine. He shook his head in despair and dialled Alex’s number. She answered on the first ring.
‘Kelly.’ Her voice was taut. ‘What is it?’ she asked nervously.
‘It’s Lou, Alex, she’s in the hospital, there’s something wrong with….’ The words stuck somewhere behind his tonsils, choking him so much that he moved towards the welcome breeze that whistled through the frosted pane of glass above the doors at the end of the corridor, trying to get some air.
He couldn’t bring himself to say ‘the baby’ out loud. The familiarity of speaking about the woman he loved was gone and in its place a litany of medical terms that he didn’t understand or more importantly, didn’t want to hear. Up until this point, those words hadn’t been in his vocabulary: haemorrhage, absence of foetal heartbeat, spontaneous loss, unconscious. Frustrated, desperate tears slid down his face and he wiped them away with the back of his hand. His heart thumped loudly in his chest drowning out the surrounding noise of the machines that beeped, the doors that swished and the babies that cried. ‘We came in in an ambulance,’ he added.
‘Kelly.’ Alex held her breath, lifted herself from the position she had slept in on the sofa at 26 Oakley Drive, shook off the mustard throw that she had used for warmth and squinted to check the time on the clock above the TV. It had been after four in the morning when she had finally tried to go to asleep and even though she would rather have left, she’d realised that her chances of getting a taxi were slim and walking the distance was out of the question. She had no choice but to stay where she was, let Liam sleep upstairs and wait for the morning to come. She must have drifted off because she had intended to be awake and to have left before Liam came down or she had to speak to the children. She could hear someone moving upstairs so she whispered. ‘What happened, is she okay?’ her reaction was measured, controlled, but inside she was about to fall apart.
‘Louise is okay,’ he said, ‘she’s lost a significant amount of blood and has very low blood pressure – hypotension I think they called it, but they’re looking after her. She says that she’s not in any pain, but she’s in and out of consciousness all the time,’ he exhaled loudly. Alex could hear a quiver in his voice. ‘She’s very weak, Alex.’ His voice was quiet. ‘And I know that you’re in the middle of a whole other problem over there and that you were talking to Louise last night and that you guys had a bit of a falling out, but she’d want you to know.’
‘Oh Jesus, Kelly,’ Alex didn’t know what else to say.
‘Fragile,’ Kelly sniffed as he said the word.
‘Fragile?’ she repeated, a tender inflection at the end of the word. Her heart wrenched, listening to the anxiety in his voice.
‘It’s the word the nurse used to describe her condition to me.’ He explained.
‘Oh,’ Alex’s voice wobbled as she spoke. In all the years she had known Louise, fragile was never a word she would have used. She was strong, resilient, powerful, funny and not to mention sarcastic… no, fragile she had never been. She stood up and slipped her feet into her shoes and froze when Liam entered the room. Kelly heard her catch her breath.
‘Are you okay there, Alex?’
‘Yes sure, Liam’s just come into the room. He gave me a start, that’s all.’
‘Look, Alex, I’m just worried about Louise and I know she’d want you to know about the baby.’
‘Thanks, Kelly, thanks so much for telling me, I’m so sorry this happened,’ her voice wobbled, the this she was talking about could have been anything; the fact that Louise was in hospital, the fact that she was short with her on the phone the night before, the fact that Liam’s ex-wife had died and the fact that Liam had gone of his own volition to the Garda station to speak to Louise about it. ‘Liam is so sorry too,’ she looked at Liam who looked at her curiously in return. ‘All that matters here is Louise and the little baby,’ she said more for Liam’s benefit than for Kelly’s.
‘Alex,’ Kelly said. She listened as he drew breath at least three times in an attempt to get the words out. ‘I think the baby’s gone, Alex… I think the baby’s gone.’
‘Oh no, Kelly,’ she said and they both sobbed silently at each end of the phone. ‘Is it okay if I come over now? I’ll be there as quick as I can.’
‘Of course. I’ll see you when you get in.’
*
Kelly waited impatiently outside the curtain behind which Louise lay. He could hear the doctors talking in hushed tones, but couldn’t make out what they were saying. Fleeting beeps escaped from the monitors that stood behind her bed and as the curtain glided open, he craned his neck sideways to catch a glimpse inside.
‘Are you…?’ A woman in blue scrubs and white clogs broke away from the pack of doctors that surrounded Louise’s bed, as though she had known he was standing there.
‘Tony Kelly,’ Kelly extended his hand. ‘Louise’s partner, the baby’s dad.’ He was deliberately concise, clear. He didn’t have time to deal with the confusion his and Louise’s twenty-year age gap normally brought, he had been mistaken for Louise’s father too many times to not have pre-empted it.
‘Tony, I’m so sorry,’ she scrunched her lips together in sympathy. ‘I’m the consultant obstetrician, Nicole is my name. I’m afraid Louise has experienced what we call an incomplete miscarriage.’
‘The baby is definitely gone?’ He guzzled back the tears. A spike of adrenaline washed through him and he waited for her reply. His eyes flickered towards the bed and he blinked back the tears. Their baby, their defenceless little baby. It was only eighteen weeks ago that Louise had told him the news. He had cried that night too, but those were tears of joy.
‘I’m afraid so,’ Nicole spoke softly, took him by the arm and led him to the side of the room. ‘This is why she was bleeding so heavily. What we would like to do now is manage the rest of the miscarriage. Surgically,’ she added for clarification. ‘We think she’s lost too much blood to let her continue to miscarry on her own.’
‘What does that mean… surgically?’ he asked.
‘Sometimes not all the contents of the womb comes away so we’d like to take her up to theatre and perform a D&C quite soon.’
‘A D&C?’ he had heard the term before but never in the context of Louise and her safety. He wanted to be sure he completely understood.
‘It’s a procedure that will make sure the remaining contents of the womb are safely removed.’
‘Contents,’ Kelly mumbled. The baby, why can’t she say the baby?
‘Otherwise,’ Nicole continued, ‘she is susceptible to infection and further risks and most probably, prolonged uncomfortable bleeding,’ she explained.
‘Okay,’ Kelly sucked in a lungful of air as though it was his last chance to breathe before going underwater.
‘We will put her under a general anaesthetic for the procedure.’
‘Are you sure the baby is gone?’ he asked again wishing for a better answer.
‘We are, but we will perform another ultrasound – it’s standard practice – before we commence the procedure.’ She reassured him and rubbed his arm with a sorrowful smile. ‘She’s very weak and I don’t want to leave it much longer.’
‘Okay, yes, okay.’ He hesitated for a moment. ‘How did it happen, Nicole, what brought it on?’ Was it him, was it the paint, was it because they had sex the night before, was it because she was worried sick about her sister? He couldn’t help but wonder.
‘It’s impossible to say for sure… we will have a look at the competency of the cervix and do some tests but even then, unfortunately, it’s not al
ways possible to identify a cause.’
‘Okay,’ Kelly nodded, somewhat appeased.
‘We’ll send down for her when we’re ready.’ She moved away, signalling to the team to move as well. ‘The nurses will get her prepared.’ He waited while the other doctors filed past him, nodding their condolences as they did and pulled a chair closer to Louise’s bed. He watched her as she lay asleep in the perfectly pleated crisp white sheets, her body small, her arms cold. Kelly crouched forward, waiting for her to stir. His calloused hands eclipsed his face and he sobbed behind them.
*
Alex held her breath as the car pulled up outside the hospital. Liam hadn’t hesitated when she had explained what had happened and had immediately jumped in the car to drive her over. She had thought, when she had finally agreed to stay on the sofa the night before, that she would have left before he had woken up. She hadn’t wanted to give him another opportunity to talk to her, plead his innocence about Jenny’s death and beg her forgiveness about what had happened last March so it suited that she had no choice to leave and be with her sister. Whatever Liam had to say would have to wait.
‘I’m so sorry Alex, for everything,’ he said. ‘Tell them I’m thinking of them,’ he winced. ‘I know how awful this is, I really do. All of it.’
‘I know,’ she glanced sideways at him, her face pale from worry and sleep deprivation. How quickly everything she thought she knew had changed. Liam, her partner of two years had been unfaithful, not to mention the fact that he was under suspicion for killing his ex-wife and the much-loved baby that Kelly and Louise had rejoiced over hadn’t been strong enough to survive.
‘We don’t have to go over it all again,’ she was eager to get inside and see how Louise was doing.
‘You will tell them I’m thinking of them, though?’
‘I will.’
‘I could stay, but I don’t think I’ll be wanted.’
‘No, you won’t,’ she hadn’t the energy to be more sensitive. ‘Abbie needs you,’ she was already releasing her seatbelt, ‘Josh does too.’
‘The kids will be fine, Alex, they’ll understand,’ he placed his hand on her arm to make her look at him. ‘I can stay here… if you need me here.’
‘No, I’m grand.’ Too little too late, she wanted to say. ‘I’ll text you later to let you know what’s happening for sure,’ she flashed a disingenuous smile.
‘Will we be okay, Alex?’ he asked.
‘I don’t know,’ she answered, it felt easier to say than a firm no. ‘For now, I’m just worried about Lou and I want to get into her, that’s all,’ she added.
‘I meant what I said last night, Alex, I love you, will always love you,’ his voice was soft, quieter than usual. ‘I don’t blame you for hating me right now and I don’t blame Louise for thinking I might have had something to do with Jenny’s death, everything points to me.’
‘Leave it, Liam, we’ll talk about it later.’ She tried to put everything out of her head, she wanted to concentrate on Louise. She had her sister to think about and she didn’t want to be distracted about whether or not she thought Liam loved her enough any more or in fact, if he had ever done. ‘Like I said, I’ll text you later to let you know how Louise is.’
Moments later, Alex raced from the lift, down the corridor and arrived a little breathless at Kelly’s side. ‘Where is she?’ she said enveloping him in a hug, he held her while she shook with tears. ‘They’ve just taken her up, you’ve just missed her.’ He dried his eyes trying to channel every ounce of tension and worry that had built up since they had arrived at the hospital into strength.
‘Are you okay?’ Alex asked. Kelly’s eyes were red and raw.
‘I don’t know,’ he answered honestly. ‘I don’t know which is worse, the pain of knowing that the baby will never be, or the pain of knowing that when Louise wakes up properly that she’ll have to feel it too.’
‘Oh Jesus, Kelly,’ a ball stuck at the back of Alex’s throat. She searched crazily for something worth saying and when she couldn’t find anything worthwhile, she stayed silent. Even in the face of the tragedy, Kelly’s most pressing worry was for Louise.
‘But we’ll get through it.’ Kelly sighed. He felt as though he was living two separate lives, one where he was strong and everything appeared fine and one where he was secretly falling apart in pain. ‘We’ll be fine, Louise will be okay…’
‘Of course,’ Alex answered. It felt like a lifetime ago that she had celebrated Louse’s pregnancy with her. Did anyone ever get over a loss like that or did they just absorb it underneath their skin and only think about it in silence?
‘And I’ll be a whole lot better when I get her down here and she’s awake and I can hold her and let her sob in my arms and take her home,’ he said, straightening his shoulders. This feeling of helplessness was something that he would never get used to. He wanted to hold her, protect her, even though he knew that she’d make a point to object, telling him that she was fine, that she was strong, that she was okay. ‘Jesus, Alex,’ his shoulders juddered as the tears started to flow. ‘I can’t imagine what’s going through her head because it’s tearing a hole through me,’ he stood up and paced around the small space. Alex grabbed him by the arm and sat him back down.
‘Is she talking to you, like, is she conscious at all?’ she asked.
‘She is.’ Kelly tried his best to stem the hot silent tears falling down his face. He wiped his face with the ball of his hand and composed himself before he spoke again. ‘She said that we never even got to say hello to the baby so how are we going to say goodbye? But she’s so weak herself, she comes and goes.’ Alex pulled a tissue from her pocket and handed it to him. ‘Thanks,’ he said.
‘The nurses asked me on the way in if you might like tea or coffee, so I told them to bring in both.’
‘Grand, thanks.’ Kelly answered. Would he ever feel normal again, would Louise?
‘Right, here we are,’ there was a smell of coffee when the nurse appeared with a tray in her hand. ‘There’s a few biscuits there as well,’ she offered. ‘I doubt you had a chance to have brekkie before you came in,’ her smile was warm, her eyes were deep.
‘Thanks,’ Alex smiled on behalf of both of them.
‘She’s just gone in,’ she lifted her watch to check the time, ‘so I reckon with the surgery time and recovery time, it’ll be about hour before she’s back down.’
‘Okay, thanks,’ Kelly took the paper cup and blew the steam over the rim.
‘Why don’t we go out around the grounds, get a bit of fresh air?’ Alex suggested. ‘We’ll bring the coffees with us,’ she stood forcing Kelly to follow her. She wasn’t taking no for an answer, the fresh air would do him good.
*
‘I hope she’s doing okay,’ he checked his phone for the seventh time since they had turned left outside the main hospital doors and walked towards the patients’ garden, a two-minute walk away. The long-limbed branches of the silver birch trees were heavy with vibrant yellow catkins and the morning sun shimmered through its delicate leaves.
‘She’ll be out for the count Kelly, for now at least, she’s not feeling anything,’ Alex said. ‘We’ll have plenty of time, we’ll go back in in ten minutes – anyway, they have your number.’
‘I know, I just… don’t mind me,’ he knew he needed to relax.
‘And the nurse said it would be an hour or so after that before she’s back down.’
‘I know, I just want to be there when she comes back.’
‘You will be.’ Alex reassured.
‘She’s going to be so heartbroken, Alex, she was so looking forward to being a mum,’ he sobbed.
‘But she’ll always be a mum, she’ll always be the baby’s mum… did they say when she could go home?’
‘They said that normally a patient could go home after about six hours, but because of the blood loss and low blood pressure, they might keep her overnight. They said they’d have to evaluate at the time… I’ll hav
e to get a taxi home and collect the car.’
‘I’ll do that,’ Alex suggested. ‘I’ll pop home to your house, get Louise some clothes while I’m there and then I can bring back the car.’
‘Right then.’ Kelly said, ‘and just in case they do let her come home tonight,’ he hesitated. ‘Could I ask you pull the sheets off the bed and throw them out, you know, just so she doesn’t have to see them when we get home.’
‘Sure.’ Alex answered.
‘Now, let’s get back in, that’s more than enough fresh air for one day. And Alex – you know that Louise was only worried about you when you guys had that call yesterday?’ They walked through the automatic hospital doors as soon as they had whooshed open and made their way towards the lift.
‘I do, Kelly, but please, that’s not even important now, all that matters now is that Louise is okay.’
‘I know but she was worried about Liam and that you might be getting caught up in something unwittingly.’
‘I know but I had to find that out for myself.’
‘I get that.’ Kelly pressed the button to call the lift. ‘And did you – find out for yourself? He asked.
‘I don’t know.’ She shook her head and stepped into the lift ahead of him, thankfully they were on their own. ‘I really don’t know, but I can’t shake this niggle of doubt I have right in my gut. He’s pleading his innocence of course, saying it was either a case of unfortunate coincidences or—’ she snorted ‘—get this… that someone was trying to frame him for Jenny’s death.’
‘Really… like who?’
‘I asked him the same question, he said he didn’t know and…’ She considered whether to tell him or not. ‘I’ve just found out about something else he’s done too…’ she raised her eyebrows unable to say the words out loud.
‘What?’ Kelly jerked his head towards her and by the look in his eye he had an inkling of what she was finding so hard to say.
‘Not now,’ Alex exhaled as the lift arrived on the fourth floor. ‘Let’s just concentrate on Louise.’
When the Time Comes Page 10
