Lucille Pfiffer Mystery Series Box Set

by Tanya R. Taylor

  “I’ll have a fruit punch. That’s the only cocktail I’ll be drinking on this floating motel,” I told Merlene.

  She grimaced. “Why do you call it that, Lucille?”

  I studied her as if she’d gone blind. I know I was, but she had perfect use of her eyes.

  “Can’t you see?” I asked. “Everyone here’s snatched up with someone, including Theodore at the back there. He hasn’t let that one with the skimpy dress and skinny legs out of his sight from the minute we boarded this vessel. Now they’re all over each other on the dance floor, doing things I haven’t thought of doing in years.”

  Merlene chuckled. “No one told you to chase off the nice, old gentleman sitting all by himself at the back there. Just like us, he boarded without a partner. Why not mingle, Lucille? All you’ve done for the past fifteen minutes was sit here like a log. You’re even starting to look like one.”

  I sucked my teeth. “I’ll excuse you since I’m aware that’s your cocktail speaking.

  “Cocktail? You mean this watered-down thing?” She pointed at the glass. She seemed to be smiling on one side of her mouth too. I’d never seen Merlene so tipsy. I think they might’ve spiked that drink of hers.

  “Merlene...”

  “Never mind,” she threw up her hand. “Let me get that punch fruit for you.”

  “You mean fruit punch.”

  “That’s what I said.”

  “Okay. Yeah, I’ll have the ‘punch fruit’.”

  “What?” She frowned.

  “Nothing.”

  She walked off.

  I liked messing with Merlene. Figured I’d might as well have a bit of fun at her expense. It would make the time pass more quickly.

  Our tour guide was sitting on the right side of the boat next to one of the deckhands. They seemed to have a good conversation going on, which was nice to see. The guide couldn’t be more than twenty-years-old. Looked more like seventeen or eighteen and seemed to have a steady head on her shoulders. She struck me as one of those people who was well beyond her years. The old folks used to say “they must’ve been here before” - as in another lifetime.

  Merlene returned with my drink, then quickly retreated to where the “fun” was. She and Theodore had spent the first five minutes or so of the excursion sitting with me, then politely took off and left me to contemplate whether I still wanted Merlene as a friend and if it was time I kicked Theodore out of my house. Merlene still got on my nerves occasionally and Theodore still peed on the toilet seat. I guess I really am a bore for my mind to have even drifted in that direction.

  “Hello, Ma’am,” the young guide said. She’d left lover boy deckhand alone and sauntered my way. “Are you enjoying the ride?”

  It was so nice of her to ask. I noticed she had the most engaging smile, though I never once looked in her direction.

  “Yes, I am, actually,” I said. “Perfect weather for a sail.”

  “I do agree. My dad owned a boat when I was a kid. He loved the ocean.”

  “Oh, that’s nice.”

  I saw she’d eyed the chair next to mine. Maybe she wanted to get a breather from that guy for a while. “Would you like to sit down and have a chat?” I asked. “After all, neither of us has anywhere to go other than downwards.”

  She giggled. “I don’t mind at all. You’re funny.”

  “I’ve been told, thanks.”

  She took a seat and I adjusted my hat as a brisk wind almost tossed it off my head.

  “You said your dad owned a boat. Did you go out much with him when you were little?” I asked.

  “Only all the time. We caught a lot of fish.”

  “You weren’t afraid – of being out there in the deep, I mean?”

  “Nah. I guess it’s because I learned to swim from early on and Dad always said there was nothing out there to fear.”

  “Other than sharks, stingrays, octopuses and the like?” I commented rather casually.

  I guess she thought it was funny.

  “Well, he meant the water itself,” she replied. “I knew that if anything unexpectedly happened to the boat or if for some reason, I ended up in the water, I could always swim to safety.”

  Funny how gullible kids can be. They believe any old nonsense their parents manage to put into their innocent, little heads. If she was my kid and I was in her dad’s shoes, I would’ve been honest with her and told her how she could be eaten alive if the boat caught an irreparable leak, but that maybe it was a good chance she’d be lucky enough to make it to shore if she was a strong swimmer. Why lie to the child? Tell her the truth and let her be amply prepared for anything. That’s my take on it. Parents sugarcoat too much these days.

  The music was a bit loud, but not to the extent that two people sitting in close proximity couldn’t have a conversation without one constantly asking the other to repeat herself.

  “That’s nice, dear,” I said. “I must admit, you’re much braver than I am. I absolutely hate the water.”

  “You do? I couldn’t tell. You seem so relaxed out here.”

  “I guess at my age I’ve learned to take some chances. None of us knows how much longer we have, so why not just take the plunge sometimes, huh? If it doesn’t kill you — good! If it does, well, just be thankful for the longevity that got interrupted with one dumb move.” It’s amazing how she seemed to hang onto my every word. “My good friend, Theodore coaxed me to join him and a few of his co-workers on this free trip. So as terrifying as the thought would’ve been, I rarely turn down anything that’s free.”

  She giggled again. She must’ve thought by now I needed to find the circus as they were missing a clown. But it was true – in a way anyway. The whole truth was that Theodore really wanted me to come. He thought I needed to get away from the house for a while and just relax, as if I couldn’t do that indoors. His company had sponsored some of the tickets, whereas others not affiliated with them were able to board as well at a reduced rate. Anthony couldn’t come due to work obligations and would’ve had to stay with Vanilla, my pet Shih Tzu anyway, especially since we’d be missing in action overnight. Bottom line is: I couldn’t find it in my hard heart, as Merlene sometimes referenced — at least before I dished out a pretty penny to legal extraordinaire Mickey Carey on her son’s behalf — to turn down Theodore’s request. Theodore to me, was like a favorite child – he and Anthony both. Yes, two favorites.

  “By the way, I’m Felicia,” she said.

  “Lucille.” I smiled.

  Suddenly, I heard Merlene squawk, then seconds later, there was a splash and a collective gasp.

  In my mind’s eye, I saw the weighty indent into the watery mass and a wall of sea surrounding the one who’d fallen into the shark-infested waters. It was my best friend, Merlene. She’d taken an unintended dive apparently, while leaning against a lowered rail. Fear like never before gripped and nearly strangled me. Was this going to be her fate?

  2

  _________________

  The tour guide sprang into action to get help, after Theodore and a deckhand had already dived into the unfriendly water in order to save Merlene. I was beyond terrified. At first, it seemed she’d taken a plunge toward the bottom as she was nowhere in sight, but Theodore went under and somehow grabbed hold of her. From what I could tell, she was struggling, not only to survive, but to keep the salt water from invading her lungs. Theodore had managed to get her close enough to the boat for Jake, the loudest, yet most strapping guy on the vessel to pull Merlene up. With the help of a few more men, including the quiet one, who’d kept to himself since we embarked, Merlene, Theodore and the deckhand were brought to safety. How any of them, except the quiet one, had managed to save Merlene was a miracle, as far as I was concerned. They had downed alcoholic beverages beyond the legal limit before Merlene made a spectacle out of herself by being the one to fall overboard. I knew that tall glass of rum punch was to blame, aside from Merlene’s ignorance.

  A two man paramedic team was already in place wh
en the men laid her on the floor of the boat. Felicia looked on worriedly.

  I hurried over there to check on Merlene and noticed Felicia’s gaze as I did so. I sort of forgot to bring the cane I didn’t need; had left it next to my chair. That probably was the reason for Felicia’s stare and the looks of a few others who’d glanced my way. In times of emergency, it seemed I temporarily forgot about those disability checks. If Merlene imagined I’d tripped up again, she’d be scolding me, first chance she got, for being so careless, despite the situation.

  “Let me help you,” Felicia came over.

  “Thanks, dear,” I replied.

  Thankfully, Merlene hadn’t lost consciousness. She looked okay to me, just quite shocked.

  “Merlene, are you all right?” I asked.

  She nodded as she tried to catch her breath.

  “She’s fine,” one of the paramedics said.

  I could see she was getting top-notch care. Theodore’s people had obviously made sure everything and everyone was in place on that yacht in case of an emergency. He was standing there watching Merlene and I could see the relief on his face that we had not lost her.

  “For heaven’s sake, lady! If anyone landed overboard in a drunken stupor, I expected it to be one of these young people – not you!” The old geezer said, looking down at Merlene.

  To think he was the same one she was trying to fix me up with several minutes earlier! Serves her right.

  “Give her a break, will ya?” Theodore told him as the paramedics were helping her to sit up.

  “Yeah.” Jake, the burly guy, agreed.

  “Well, I’ll say it’ll teach Miss Careless here a good lesson,” I commented. “She’s my best friend, so I can say whatever the hell I want, in case you people didn’t know.”

  “Miss Pfiffer...” Theodore started.

  I’d told him and Anthony over and repeatedly to call me Lucille, but Theodore couldn’t seem to get the message.

  “Now, wait a second, Theodore,” I said. “I agree with this gentleman. Merlene made a spectacle of herself trying to keep up with you young people. If she’d had a sensible drink that probably wasn’t spiked, she wouldn’t be in this mess!”

  “Who said the punch was spiked?” Jake asked, in a rather aggressive tone of voice.

  “I used the word probably. Are you deaf?”

  Theodore drew closer to me as if I might be in need of protection. “Let’s just leave that talk alone and get Merlene into some warm clothes, okay?”

  As Merlene rested inside and allowed the alcohol to wear off, the old man who thought I defended him sat down with me for the remainder of the boat ride and we engaged in pretty good conversation. I found out his name was Ralph Edwards. He was C.E.O. of Edwards Pharmaceuticals, one of the wealthiest men in Chadsworth. I’d heard of his company, but had never seen him before. I don’t know why I didn’t take a liking to him before because usually I can smell money a mile away. I guess he just wasn’t charming enough at the time or I might’ve kept his company from the start.

  “My wife Pearl passed away earlier this year,” he said. “It’s been a rough year for me. I told my people at work I’m taking a day off and going on an excursion all by myself. I just needed that ‘me time’.”

  “I’m sorry about your wife,” I replied. “Please… don’t let me spoil your ‘me time’.”

  He laughed softly. “You’re not spoiling anything, Lucille. I’m really enjoying your company. Sitting here with you makes me realize how much I miss having someone special in my life. Of course, no one can take Pearl’s place; it’s not what I’m suggesting at all.”

  “Don’t get any ideas,” I said.

  “Well, you are a very attractive lady and we seem to already have a good rapport. I’m a widower and you’re a widow.”

  It’s amazing how quickly some men can move on. For goodness’ sake, his sweet Pearl has only been in the grave for seven months. Where’s the honor for the poor gal? He could’ve at least waited a good seven or eight years before even thinking of dating again; let alone tying the knot. But who am I fooling? In seven or eight years if he was lucky to still be here, he’d be around eighty. Guess, he’d better not waste any time.

  We arrived at Hogan Key around noon. It took a bit longer than anticipated to get there since a few of the guys aboard decided they wanted to do a little snorkeling. I didn’t mind though as Ralph talked a lot and most of it wasn’t rubbish, I’m happy to say. Merlene slept the entire rest of the journey and Theodore was sure to check on her periodically.

  Hogan Key was a beautiful resort located near the seashore. It looked like a sprawling mansion on white sand. The interior, however, was designed more like that of a hotel with dozens of rooms, lounge areas, a nightclub and karaoke room. Each portion of the resort had its own pool, as laid out in their brochure, and they were all grand and rectangular-shaped edged by twinkling lights. The lights bothered me at first because I was hoping they were safe. Wouldn’t have wanted to hear of any electrocutions.

  Merlene and I shared a room and Ralph’s was just a few doors down the hallway. Theodore gave up his assigned room in order to spend every bit of his free time with the skinny young lady who’d stolen his common sense and resurrected something below the waist. She was the first lady in the greater part of a year I’d seen him show any real interest in.

  Merlene took a shower right after we got to the room. She was back to her old self. She knew she was lucky to have only fallen into the sea and not injured herself in any serious way.

  “I hope that taught you a lesson,” I told her as we got ready to go to lunch. “Act your age.”

  She was sitting on the bed blow-drying her hair. “So, you’re implying I can’t have a few drinks as a grown woman, Lucille?” she had that stern look in her eye. It was one of those cherished moments when I knew I was getting on her last nerve.

  “I’m not implying that at all, Merlene. I’m simply saying you looked really stupid being rescued after having fallen overboard because you were tipsy. If you’d paid attention to what you were drinking and not tried to be a teenager again, minding Theodore and the others, you wouldn’t have looked so foolish on that yacht.”

  She sighed deeply. “I lost my footing, Lucille.”

  “Really?” I laughed.

  “Yes—really.”

  I sensed it was probably best to ease off a bit. After all, she’d been through enough already.

  “It was kind of funny though,” I remarked.

  “It was—wasn’t it?” She grinned.

  I nodded eagerly, then laughter erupted.

  Ralph joined us for lunch and later for dinner and Karaoke. He turned out to be wonderful company for both of us and Merlene tried to play matchmaker. She didn’t appear to have to work too hard because it became evident to me from early on that millionaire Ralph had a thing for this blind lady. Maybe it was my magnetic personality that attracted him. At his age, he might not have been so picky or thought he could keep up with the young women. Maybe he thought he could eventually tame this old lady with the disability, but if he was dumb enough to believe that if I’d ever given him the chance to call me his girlfriend or wife, he’d be in for a rude awakening. Lucille was no pushover and if Donnie couldn’t “tame” me — which he never dared to try — no other man could.

  3

  _________________

  Theodore knocked frantically on our room door early the following morning. It was shortly after eight o’clock.

  Slipping into her floral duster, Merlene opened the door.

  “What is it, Theo?” she asked.

  “You two would never believe this!” He dashed into the room.

  “What?” I was sitting up in bed.

  “That old guy you were both hanging out with yesterday…” he started.

  “Yeah?” Merlene stood waiting.

  “Well, he was just found dead in the pool!”

  “What?” I was stunned.

  Merlene’s hand met her che
st.

  “Are you sure?” I probed.

  “Yep. They’ve called EMTs and the police, but there’s no need for EMTs,” Theodore said. “He’s already turned blue. No resurrecting that one.”

  I wasn’t sure how to digest the news aside from the obvious dismay of knowing someone had lost his life. I was beginning to like the guy a little bit and now there was no telling if anything romantic could’ve ever happened between us.

  “I’m going out there,” Merlene said.

  “I don’t think you should,” Theodore advised her. “You don’t wanna see a dead body if you don’t have to.”

  “Well, I had no choice when I saw Sabrina’s in Lucille’s back yard last year! At least this time I get to choose. Besides, blue and all, you could be wrong about Ralph. Maybe a little medical attention will revive him.”

  “Doubt it.” I shook my head. “If he’s already turned blue, I’d bet he’s been dead for a while — maybe even from last night. After Karaoke, he probably decided to go for a swim, then suffered a heart attack or something.”

  “Who made you a doctor?” Merlene gazed at me.

  I saved my breath.

  “I’m going out there anyway,” she said. “Are you coming?”

  “No. I’m going to take a shower, then head downstairs for breakfast. I’ll be there whenever you’re finished by the poolside.”

  By that time, I’d seen in my mind’s eye Ralph’s lifeless body floating facedown in the pool. Theodore was right — there was no reviving the guy. It was too late.

  They both looked at me sort of cockeyed. I guess it was that breakfast thing.

  “How can you eat at a time like this?” Merlene gawked.