by Clare Lydon
Only it wasn’t true anymore, was it? It was an open secret, and one I wanted to blow the lid off as soon as possible.
“How’s your week been?” I asked once we’d ordered wine and food.
I settled back in my wooden seat, not able to get comfortable. Which was probably down to me and not the chair.
“Good,” she replied, nervously flicking her hair out of her face. “I’ve worked every night, so I haven’t had a lot of downtime.”
“Consider yourself lucky.” I really needed to learn how to filter my speech.
Rachel raised an eyebrow. “That doesn’t mean what happened on Saturday hasn’t taken up all my brain power this week.”
I took a deep breath: it wasn’t just me who’d been tormented all week long. “Really?”
“Really.” She laid her hands flat on the table and held me with her gaze. “I’ve got to tell you something else, too. Get it all out in the open.”
I winced: brace, brace. Should I bend forward and cover my head with my hands as they tell you to do on an airplane?
“I split up with Hannah.” Rachel sat up, squeezing her hands together. “I mean, we weren’t really going out formally — we’d only had two dates — plus she wasn’t out to her family and out to the world, and as you know, that’s a no-go for me.” She paused. “But your Mum brought you to my restaurant, so I’m guessing your family know?”
I nodded, and Rachel visibly relaxed.
“Plus, there was also the reason that Hannah was just another woman, and she’s not going to win in a shoot-out with you, is she?”
I wasn’t sure how to reply, apart from punching the air, but I kept my fists in my lap, where Rachel couldn’t see them.
“Well, say something,” Rachel said, her neck reddening.
Right, I needed to respond.
I sat forward, reaching over and taking her hand in mine. I wasn’t sure where my bravado came from, but I was doing what came naturally. What felt right. “I’m thrilled you broke up with Hannah, if that doesn’t sound too callous.”
Rachel smiled, shaking her head. “There isn’t much point when my heart tells me it wants something else, is there?”
My breath caught in my throat as I stared at her. She stared right back, and the moment lingered like a late-afternoon sunbeam, both of us basking in its glory.
Rachel wanted me, and I wanted her. And that was nothing but glorious.
The waiter brought our bottle of wine and we untangled our hands and our stares, Rachel’s cheeks flushed, and I’m sure mine were, too.
The liquid glugged into our glasses as I twisted in my chair, until eventually it was just us two again, and we were back to staring, a triumphant smile tugging the corner of my lips.
“What about you? How’s your week been with your parents? It must be kinda nice spending some time with them.”
I smiled. “It is, and you’ve met my mum, she’s pretty cool. Plus, I’m spending loads of time painting, which is great. I love to paint, but I don’t get nearly enough time to do it when I’m working. Marking, admin and running a department take up all my time.”
Rachel sat forward, giving me a low whistle. “That’s incredible — I love creativity like that. It’s sexy. I’d love to see your paintings some time.”
I gulped, swallowing down a flood of emotion. She found painting sexy? “I’d love to show you some.” I was pleased I could still carry a conversation with Rachel without tripping over my words. Even when one of the words was ‘sexy’. “But in between all that and thinking about you, I’m still living with my parents, which isn’t optimal. Still looking for a place to live.”
“I need a new flatmate now Sophie’s moving up ten floors to be with Tanya,” Rachel replied, before holding up her hand. “And that was a joke, by the way. I’m not suggesting you move in with me.” She paused, her gaze heating my skin.
“That might be a little soon,” I replied. Although part of me was all for it, if it meant seeing Rachel every day. “Imagine what everyone would say.” I paused, shifting in my seat as an image of Rachel naked waltzed through my mind. “Imagine what Jake would say.”
Yes, there was that added difficulty, too.
Rachel looked down at her cutlery, then back up at me. “It’s quite complicated, isn’t it?”
“You could say that.”
She sat up straight and reached over the table cloth, a sudden surety in her movements as she grasped my hand in hers.
And then she turned her smile on me, and she might as well have taken a blowtorch to some ice. I duly melted.
“I’ve been looking forward to this meal for ages, but now all I want to do is be away from all these people. Does that make sense?”
I nodded. “It makes perfect sense.”
“So here’s my plan: let’s enjoy the meal, get the bill and then go for a walk, make the most of this summer evening. What do you think?”
A sense of calm washed through me. “I think that sounds perfect.”
And I had just the place in mind.
Chapter 19
Rachel had never been up Primrose Hill — a fact I couldn’t get my head around.
“My grandparents brought my mum here, my parents used to bring me and my sister here, and now we bring my sister’s little girl, too.”
“I can see why you love it,” Rachel replied, smiling as we walked to the top, the summer air stroking our skin. At just after nine, the light was evaporating all around us, the twilight moving in, yet it felt anything but dark to me.
It felt light and airy, even though my skin was tingling all over. I was the proverbial cat on a hot tin roof.
When we reached the summit minutes later, it was just us. I stared out over London, Regent’s Park and the city beyond, which was starting to twinkle in the distance.
“I still love walking down the hill and straight into Soho, after seeing it from up high. It’s always made me feel like I know a secret. That the city’s not really as big as it seems once you’ve seen it from up here.”
“I guess everything’s a matter of perspective, isn’t it?” Rachel held my gaze, and a mix of fear and desire slid over my skin, making me unable to turn away — and I didn’t want to.
“I guess so.” Deep breaths, keep breathing.
“How’s your perspective on life since Saturday?”
“It’s tilted, that’s for sure,” I replied.
“Are you feeling freaked?” She took my hand as she spoke.
My whole body shook. “Not as much as I think I should be,” I said, taking a gulp of warm air. “I know it should be this huge life shift, and I’m sure it will be — but I’m not freaking out as much as I thought. I’ve been thinking about this for longer than you, and now we’re here, it kinda seems like the logical conclusion.” Pause. “But if you think I’m calm and in control, I’m not. Not by anyone’s standards.”
My body was currently an emotion blender, the dial set to high.
She ran a thumb across my knuckle and I shook again.
“It doesn’t have to be scary.”
Rachel’s soft gaze dripped down me. “And if it helps any, I’m scared, too.” She squeezed my hand. “Because while I might have got used to the idea this week, this is not just anyone — this is you.” Now it was Rachel’s turn to take a deep breath. “There’s already an us, and taking this further is a gamble.”
“I know.” And I did. It was something I’d been pondering all week, and I wasn’t sure what conclusion I’d come to. Could I risk our friendship for something more? But when I thought about it, I knew that line had already been crossed — a very long time ago.
The fact was, I couldn’t not risk it anymore. Like Tanya had told me, life was too short, and I had to keep the ball rolling.
I was ready to play, all my cards on the table.
“But I can’t keep this in anymore — my feelings for you, I mean. I’m done pretending.” I turned to her, taking her other hand, my bravado metallic in my mouth. �
��I want to move the needle, I want there to be a different kind of us. And I know this is a gamble for you, but I need you to know, this isn’t an experiment. I’m not trying you on for size.” I gulped again. “I’ve been trying to put a label on my feelings, and when it came to me a few weeks ago, I knew I had to do something.” A full body shiver. “The fact is… I can’t stop thinking about you.”
She gripped my hands harder as her expression softened.
“You can’t?” Her tone was pure sugar syrup.
Something fluttered behind my ribcage. I gulped before replying, the heat of her gaze burning me. “Not for any minute of any day.”
Then it was her turn to shudder. “And since you told me, I’ve finally got permission to not stop thinking about you, either.”
And then, there were no more words.
Instead, Rachel snaked an arm around my waist, and it was the perfect move in the perfect moment.
A weird calm descended on me, almost like I was having an out-of-body experience.
She pulled me close, her eyes on my lips, brushing my hair from my face. I felt the tips of her fingers brush across my skin, lingering, pressing her claim to me. If there was anyone else around, I was unaware: it was as if someone had drawn the curtains around us, concealing us from the world. I was only aware of the slight breeze on my face, the beat of my heart, the uneven note of my breathing.
I raised a hand and brushed a finger along Rachel’s jawline, and she stilled.
And then, finally, she leaned in and pressed her lips to mine. I melted at her touch. This time, nobody and nothing was going to come between us. And hot damn, could she kiss.
The pleasure was disorientating: a low hum in my stomach, a flash of electricity across my hyper-sensitive skin. My fingers roamed from Rachel’s face into her glossy hair, spearing her soft locks and trying to pull her closer.
I simply couldn’t get enough.
All my hesitation, my what-ifs were drowned out by the rising tide of arousal: every part of my insides were swooning and reeling like never before, and everything I’d ever known about kissing was swept aside, because I’d never been kissed like Rachel was kissing me. Ever.
She was soft, masterful, in control. She was like the best dance partner I’d ever had, and I’d never danced before. But with Rachel, it was like I was suddenly blessed with the gift of dance, and even if I wasn’t, it didn’t matter, because she was leading me.
I melted under the dizzying strokes of her tongue, swaying against her, and felt her hand slip down my back and settle on the base of my spine, pressing me to her. The pressure of her strong, firm body against mine was magical.
As her lips swept over mine, I knew for sure this was the start of something important.
Something that was making my heart thrum.
The start of something I never even knew I wanted.
If this was what being a lesbian felt like, I was ready to sign on the dotted line, no questions asked.
And still she kissed me, her mouth now even more demanding, exploring and delving until I was a trembling mass of nerve endings.
I could have happily stayed in this moment forever; bought a house here, raised a family, then pirouetted into old age with Rachel’s lips on mine, with never a single thought of them leaving. After all, why would you stop something when it felt this good?
Rachel moved her hand from my back to my breast, her thumb stroking over the tip. The delicious friction made me moan into her mouth, but I wasn’t embarrassed: far from it, I just wanted more.
Rachel seemed to understand, putting her fingers on the hem of my black shirt, and then I felt the warmth of her hand settling on my bare skin of my stomach, which lit a flame in my heart. It was like being on fire, the excitement travelling over my skin, before settling low in my belly.
And then suddenly, the hand was on top of my shirt and Rachel’s lips broke with mine. “Sorry, got a little carried away,” she said, her voice so low, it was almost horizontal. “Probably not the best thing to feel you up in public.”
Her smile could have lit a dark night.
I cleared my throat. “I can think of worse things.” My voice was coarse, like rope, the words seeping through the clouds of desire fogging my brain.
I couldn’t take my eyes from her lips, knowing their power, the pleasure they could convey. I pressed my lips back to hers, and just like that, my body lit up once more, as if Rachel was my one and only power source, with an ability to light me up like the national grid.
“I think we just took our relationship to the next level,” she said moments later, her eyes dark ovals, flashing at me. “And that was just us kissing.” She let out a throaty laugh.
I laughed, my body feeling dangerously out of control. In her arms, I was safe; once out of them, I might collapse like a string puppet, so I was clinging to her.
“I know,” I replied, only just managing to get my words out. If that was first base, I couldn’t think about scoring a home run: it would send my mind and body into meltdown.
“Are you going back to your parents’ house tonight?” she asked eventually, her voice still breathless, her eyes glazed.
Her hand returned to my back, stroking my bare skin, and it was all I was focused on. The sparks of electricity from her skin on mine. I nodded, my brain still having trouble forming full sentences. Apart from the next one. “Do you want to come?”
Did she? Did I want her to? Was I ready?
My mind began to spin.
Rachel gave me a soft smile, kissing my lips again. “I’d love to, more than anything,” she said, stroking my cheek. “But I’m not sure tonight’s the time. I don’t have my work gear and I have to get up early tomorrow.”
My newly emboldened libido stamped its feet, but I knew she was right. I’d waited this long, I could wait a little longer still.
I kissed her lips again, swaying from them once more. “You’re right, we should wait till the time’s right.” I mumbled the words so close to her lips, it was almost as if they were toppling into her mouth. “So long as you promise me we can carry this on very soon. Because that was the best kiss I’ve ever had.”
She gave me a slow grin. A grin that undressed itself in front of me with every centimetre it took. A grin I was powerless to pull my eyes from. “I was right there with you, and I agree. You’re a natural.”
She really thought that? My first-ever female kiss and I hadn’t fudged the exam? “I’m glad you thought so.”
And the next look she gave me made my stomach wobble, my legs quiver, and my very core pulse anew. “Let’s just say, I can’t wait to get you alone and naked, just the two of us, and see where things go. I know it’s going to occupy my mind from here on in.”
I grinned. “I’m glad.” I paused, running my fingers down her smooth skin, feeling the heat of her stare. “So if you’re working and I’m living with my parents, when will I see you again?”
To finish what we started, I wanted to add, but I didn’t dare. I wasn’t that brave just yet, although I had a feeling once we met again, my boundaries might surprise me.
I knew for sure that kiss had surprised the hell out of me.
“At the shoot on Saturday?”
The mention of the shoot was a sobering slap in the face. “With Jake?”
Jake and Rachel in the same sentence now just felt wrong, all ends up.
She chewed on the inside of her cheek. “Yes, for the shoot. But I’m hoping after that, we might have some time. Aren’t you dog-sitting for Tanya?”
I raised an eyebrow. “How do you know?”
“I live with Sophie, remember?” And then she blushed. “I might have been taking a keener than usual interest in your movements of late.”
Oh might she? I smiled at that. “Are you working on Saturday night?”
A shake of the head. “I got it off yesterday, so if you’re free, maybe we could have a second date? I could cook at mine or at Tanya’s if you’re staying there? Me, you, Delila
h?”
I gulped. A second date, in a room with a closed door. If I let my mind wander, it might explode. “A date with you and Delilah sounds perfect.”
“I was hoping you’d say that,” Rachel said, before her mouth closed over mine and I lost the power of speech once more.
Chapter 20
“There’s my best friend who’s been ignoring all my calls of late.” Tanya sat back in her chair as Jess gave me a wave from behind the counter of Porter’s, the café she ran that was just around the corner from Tanya’s. It was one of those cafés with a mouth-watering menu and the kind of rich, syrupy coffee that made your hair stand on end, and it was always packed.
Jess and her fiancée Lucy had become close friends with Tanya this year, bonded by living in the same area and connected friends, but mainly by their dogs. It turned out that dog ownership opened you up to a whole new set of friends. Walking your dog in the park was a little like waiting for your child at the school gates — if you did it long enough, you were bound to start talking to other people who were doing exactly the same thing.
Plus, when Delilah had been attacked by another dog last year, it’d been Jess who’d driven Sophie and Delilah to the vet and saved the day. That was something that Tanya would never forget.
I returned Jess’s wave and sat opposite Tanya.
Could she tell the difference in me?
Now I’d been properly kissed by a woman, my world view had changed. With one flick of Rachel’s tongue, it’d turned pink in an instant. Maybe more than one.
“I haven’t been ignoring them, I’ve just been busy.”
“Busy doing what? You’re still off for another few weeks, aren’t you?”
I nodded. “I am, but I’ve been painting a lot and getting ready for my student showcase.”
“Well I’m pleased to hear that, you’re always happier when you’re painting.”
“Am I?”
“Yes, you are.” She leaned forward. “Are you painting anything or anyone in particular? I heard on the grapevine you might have gone on a date with a certain woman on Wednesday?”
