by Clare Lydon
Yes to her. Yes to me. Yes to this new life, wherever it may take me. Yes!
And that’s just what I screamed out as I finally came in a great wave of emotion, flashes lighting up my core as Rachel didn’t let up one bit, squeezing my arse as her tongue spun me out of control and I fell forward, sending more shockwaves through me again and again and again.
It was relentless, she was relentless, and in that moment, she was all I’d ever wanted.
Chapter 31
I woke in the morning to the sound of my dad whistling Simon & Garfunkel down the hallway. Even though I knew he wasn’t about to burst in, I pulled the covers over both of us.
Rachel cracked open an eye and narrowed it, before burrowing her head into my chest.
“Is your dad Paul Simon?” she said, after the whistling had subsided — he’d clearly disappeared into the kitchen.
“If Paul Simon’s an old-school Italian who got lost on the way back to Italy, then yes.”
She grinned at that. “Maybe he’s been keeping it under wraps all these years.” Pause. “He’s not called Al, is he?”
I let out a bark of laughter. “He is not.”
She kissed my lips as I laughed, then my right breast, then my left, before sitting up, letting her eyes roam the room as if for the first time. Which, seeing as we’d pitched up in the early hours and hadn’t taken much notice of our surroundings, it probably was.
I followed her gaze around the room: the dark charcoal walls, the bright white skirting, the bare wooden floors, the massive windows stylishly draped in black velvet.
“What did you say your parents did again?”
I smiled. “Architect and designer.”
“You can tell — this room is beautiful.”
I smiled some more. “I know. It’s not most people’s parents’ spare room, is it?”
She shook her head. “Er, no. I feel like I should have noticed last night.”
“You might have been a little preoccupied, what with me having just fucked you in the kitchen.” I grinned at the memory, still fresh in my mind.
Rachel glanced down at me, bringing her head down for a kiss before laying next to me. “You’ve got a point.”
I reached out to tuck a stray hair behind Rachel’s ear.
“But anyway, enough about decoration — let’s talk about us. How are you feeling after kidnapping me and having your wicked way with me last night?” Rachel’s eyes were teasing, a smile playing on her mouth.
I grinned right back. “I’m feeling… fantastic. And very gay, which is mainly down to you.” I cocked my head, before kissing her lips. She tasted of sex and sleep.
“You’re not feeling overwhelmed again, like it’s all too much?” She pulled herself up on her pillow, her gaze penetrating mine.
I shook my head. “Perhaps that was just last week. Stage fright.” A gentle smile. “And while I can’t promise there won’t be other wobbles, I’m hoping none as bad as last week. My mind’s clearer, at the very least.”
I kissed her nose, holding her gaze.
“I’m so sorry about last week.” I couldn’t put it any plainer, and I hoped she could feel my sincerity.
A sadness washed over her face. “Me, too.”
“I just,” I said, then stopped.
I’d just freaked out was the bare bones of it, a meltdown that had seen my defences stripped, and the only way I knew how to react was to build the wall back up. But I hadn’t known then what I knew now — which was that maybe the walls needed to come down, and it was time for my whole life to be rebuilt, from the ground up.
Perhaps this time, the defences would be more sophisticated, smarter, more up to date with the new me. Or perhaps I could be more vulnerable, and perhaps not need them at all.
“I thought I could handle it all, I thought telling people I was seeing you would be a breeze, what with all the lesbians in my life. And you know, weirdly, the whole ‘being queer’ bit has been a breeze. It helps that I’m madly attracted to you, and when we’re together, it just feels… right.” I let out a long sigh. “If it could just be the two of us all the time, none of this would have happened.”
Rachel smiled. “That’s not how it works. You can’t just be gay behind closed doors. It’s not about sex, it’s about being yourself, being true to who you really are.”
I nodded. “I know that now. And being with you, I feel the very best version of me I’ve ever been.” I locked her gaze with mine, my heart thumping in my chest. “It’s like you’ve unlocked this part of me that I never knew was there. And it comes out not just when we’re having sex, but when I look at you, when I think about you.”
Rachel leaned in and kissed me, her eyes watery. “I love that you feel that.”
My heart swelled as I stared at her. “In so many ways, you’ve made this so easy. And in so many ways, this has been the hardest week of my life, too.”
“Mine, too,” she replied.
My heart lurched at that; I hated that I’d caused her so much pain. I traced my fingers down her cheek, before kissing her lips, then drawing back.
“I can’t say sorry enough, but when it all blew up and then everyone knew I was suddenly gay — and I mean everyone, in one huge explosion of gay — it was overwhelming.” Understatement of the year. “And yes, I know I wasn’t very fair on you reacting the way I did, but I hope you can forgive me.” I paused, taking Rachel’s fingers in mine and intertwining them.
“I can, even though our first week wasn’t stellar, with you freaking and running out.”
I deserved that, but it still cut deep. “I know, and I promise, I’ll try to do better.”
Rachel pulled herself up, leaning her head on her bent elbow, regarding me. “I guess that’s all I can ask.”
Her shoulders relaxed, and so did mine.
“So the whole ‘being a lesbian’ thing isn’t as scary as you thought? You’ve woken up feeling gay?”
“The first thing I thought about was Ellen, so that’s a good start, right?”
Rachel’s eyebrows knitted together. “That’s a joke, right?”
I grinned. “A little lesbian humour — like I say, when I’ve been friends with Tanya for two decades, I got skin in the game.”
She laughed at that. “Lesbian humour from the newly reformed straight Catholic girl. I’ve done well, haven’t I?”
“I’ve done even better.” I held her gaze as I bent to kiss her, smiling as I rolled onto my back. “So are we good? It feels like we have a lot more stuff to talk about.”
She nodded. “So far, you’ve told me you’re sorry, that you’re not running off, and you keep kissing me, so it’s a positive start.” She moved her mouth one way, then the other, and I knew she was preparing to say something big.
“There’s a but coming, isn’t there?” I swallowed preparing myself. Was she going to ask for something I couldn’t give? I hoped not.
“But I also need to know that you’re all in — not just with me, but with the wider world — however you want to label yourself. I’m out and proud, and I can’t be anything else. I’ve been out far too long. I know the YouTube thing was weird, but are you ready to front-up at college and to your friends?”
Relief swept through me — this, I could give her. “I think after the video, they might already know.”
“You know what I mean. You were scared you might lose your job, you were scared to talk to your colleagues, your students. It’s all a part of it. It is harder, and it is more out there, but I hope the fact we’re together means it’s also worth it.”
“It does, and I’m going to be stronger.”
“Just remember you’re not doing this alone, okay? No running off again — if you’ve got issues, talk to me. Or even Tanya, or Sophie — just don’t go running scared.”
I knew she was right. “I will, I promise.”
Rachel ran a hand through her hair before continuing. “I don’t want you to live a small life. I want your life to be rich, to
be everything you deserve. Hiding and pretending you’re someone you’re not doesn’t allow you to do that.”
There was a low ache in my gut. Everything she was saying was true, and I was ready. In fact, she might not know, but I was already at the helm of my ship, spinning the wheel at a rapid pace. And I was turning this ship around because I was listening to my heart, and not worrying about what I should or shouldn’t do, and about what other people thought.
I’d decided that the only people whose thoughts mattered were Rachel and I, and right now, it seemed like we were of one mind, and ready to give this a go.
“I want that, too — so much. And I’ve already started making changes that you don’t even know about. I’ve spoken to my boss, and you know what? My students all think it’s cool I’m on YouTube, and my boss and his wife invited us for dinner.”
Rachel let out a howl of laughter. “So you’re not losing your job because you kissed me?”
I shook my head. “If anything, my boss was more scared of me leaving to do the channel full-time.”
“Wow, I like their big thinking.”
I laughed. “Theo has nothing but faith in me, it seems. Unlike me or you.”
She put out a hand and turned my face to her. “Not true. I do have faith in you, but you have to have faith in yourself, and I wasn’t sure you did. When this happens, some people run and hide their whole life. I was just hoping you weren’t one of them. It would have made me very sad.”
“It would?”
Her gaze scorched my face as she nodded. “It would.” She let out a long sigh. “I know we’ve only been together a week, but we’ve known each other longer, haven’t we? You’re not someone I just met and took to bed — you’re someone who’s already worked their way into my heart as a good friend, and now as a lover, too. When I thought you might turn away, I was so nervous. I didn’t know what I was going to do without you — as a lover or a friend.”
“Me either,” I replied. “And that’s another thing that made me want to hit pause and restart. You. You’re the one who’s been in my heart and my head for months. It feels like we’ve been leading up to this since we met a year ago. All those restaurant meals were our trainee dates, weren’t they?”
Rachel laughed at that, flopping onto her back before turning back to me. “I guess they were. And I loved every minute of those dates, I looked forward to them so much.”
“I did, too.”
“Can we still go on them?”
“Course,” I said. “Only now, they really are dates, with sex at the end.”
“I much prefer them now,” Rachel said, a sexy grin on her lips.
“I thought you might.” I kissed her lips, leaving my face inches from her, losing myself in her rich blue gaze. “The thing is, you’re inside my heart now, too, and I can’t carry on without you. So I have to be okay with everything that’s gone on — the video, us, coming out so publicly. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough, but I’m not alone — I’ve got you and everyone else by my side. And what’s the alternative? Life without you. And that, Rachel Cramer, is pretty much unthinkable.”
A slow, sure smile spread across her face as she brought her hand to my right cheek, and her lips to mine, electricity sparking all over again. When she pulled back, all sorts of emotions sailed through me, but I couldn’t pin one down. Rachel had thrown me into a maelstrom again.
“Unthinkable, huh?”
I nodded. “Completely.”
“And life without you is totally unthinkable, too, Alice Di Santo.”
Chapter 32
Rachel insisted she wasn’t nervous, but I didn’t buy it.
For one, she was wearing smart trousers and a new pink top. For another, she was unusually quiet.
Rachel took my elbow as I pushed open the giant wooden front door and we walked down the Victorian foyer, our footsteps muffled by the dark red carpet. We’d been together officially for two weeks now, and it was still like all my birthdays had come at once.
“Have you ever thought it might be you who’s nervous, and not me? After all, I’ve met families before, and I’m pretty sure I can charm them. Plus, I know your parents love my cooking, so I have an advantage.
“But you,” she said, stopping me as we waited for the antiquated lift to shudder its way down the shaft. “This is a first for you. You’ve never brought a woman home to meet the family for dinner before, and that’s a big thing. Besides, I’ve met your mum, dad and sister already, so I’m not even that new.”
She kissed me again and my blood swayed from side to side. “Just remember, your family love you and they want what’s best for you.”
I nodded. “I know.”
“When you’re worrying, remember they’re on your side. I’m a veteran of this shit, okay?” She nudged me with her elbow.
I laughed when she said that. “I sometimes forget, and think it’s just me going through this.”
“Queer people go through this every day.”
We arrived at my parents’ front door, and I was just about to insert the key in the lock when the door sprang open. My mum was on the other side, her face full of Chablis splotch.
“Hello you two!” She gave me a hug like she hadn’t seen me for years.
Maybe she was nervous, too.
“So great to see you again, Rachel,” she added. “You’re very welcome.” Never one to stand on ceremony, Mum pulled Rachel into a hug, which she accepted with good grace. She’d tried it on Tanya when she’d first met her and she hadn’t made that mistake twice. Tanya was better with hugs these days, but when we were at university, they were a foreign language to her.
Mum took our jackets and we followed her through to the lounge where Barbara and Maggie were sitting — I might have known Mum would invite the lesbians en masse — along with my sister Sabrina, Simon and Flavia.
My niece was being entertained by an iPad, and paid us no attention when we walked in. Unlike the adults who all got up to greet us, giving Rachel a once-over and insisting she take a seat. Simon went to get us wine, and then all eyes were on Rachel, but I knew she could handle it.
“So fabulous to meet such a famous YouTube star!” Barbara was giddier than I’d ever seen her before. Giddy and Barbara were not words I generally put together, being that she was a former business exec and still a stunning woman, even in her 60s. “Maggie and I watch you both in bed every Saturday morning, don’t we, Mags?”
Beside me, I heard Sabrina choke on her wine.
Maggie nodded. “And we absolutely loved your pappardelle recipe with the wild boar — it was to die for.”
“And the gnocchi,” Barbara added. “In fact, we think you’re a culinary genius, but don’t tell Giuseppe, he might get upset.”
Barbara and Maggie were staring at Rachel a little too much, so I turned the conversation around to Sabrina. “How’s the build going?”
“Don’t ask,” she said. “Let’s just say, I’ve asked Mum if we could move in here, but she says not while you’re here.” She paused. “So any more news on how long you’re here? If we have to live in our dust-filled upstairs much longer, there might be a murder.”
I gave Sabrina a pained smile. “If you’re desperate, I can always move into Tanya’s place — but let’s talk about it later.”
She put a hand on my knee, her eyes wild. “If we could, you would literally be saving all our lives. Your sister, your brother-in-law and your niece. And you want us all alive, don’t you?”
“Flavia, definitely,” I replied, as she smacked me in the arm.
Simon returned with glasses of white wine for us in tall-stemmed glasses, sitting down on the sofa next to Barbara and Maggie.
“Giuseppe is having a mini-breakdown in there — I think it’s the stress of cooking for Rachel,” he said, stroking his goatee. Simon didn’t have much hair on his head, but he had an exceptional amount all over his body, including a well-trimmed goatee on his face.
Rachel shook her head, getting up. “
He doesn’t need to.” She turned to me. “Can I offer to help?”
I stood up. “I don’t see why not — let me take you through.”
I took her hand and led her back out to the hallway, pulling her in for a quick kiss before taking her to the kitchen.
“Everything okay?” My heart was thumping as we neared the black kitchen door.
Rachel smiled and kissed me again. “Just relax, Alice,” she said. “The kitchen is my domain. Let me lead the way.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You remember the last time you were in there?”
Rachel blushed as I spoke. “I’m trying to block that out of my mind and get into professional mode.”
I kissed her again. “Right. I’ll let you get on then.”
Rachel walked in first, and when I waltzed in after her, I could see my dad was red in the face, with a myriad of pots and baking trays to be tended to. When he looked up and saw us, panic crossed his face.
“Hello Rachel, good to see you again.” He wiped his hands on his apron, before sweeping his hair off his face with his forearm. “You’ve caught me at quite a critical moment.”
“I can see,” Rachel said, putting her wine glass down. “What can I do to help?”
Dad hesitated for a second, before realising this was an offer he couldn’t refuse. “There’s a garlic-rosemary sauce that needs whipping up if you really mean it — and a spare apron over there.”
Rachel placed the apron over her head and picked up some shallots, and my dad visibly relaxed. “I like this girl already,” Dad told me with a smile. “Are you helping, too?”
I shook my head. Helping my dad in the kitchen was way too risky, the whole family knew that. He was very territorial although, apparently not when it came to professional help.
“In that case, get out and let me have a little time, chef to chef.”
I threw Rachel a glance, and she just nodded.
“I promise I won’t grill her too much,” Dad added.
I laughed. “Don’t grill him too much either, okay?” I told Rachel.
