by Ronni Davis
“I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“We’re supposed to get at least two feet,” Mom added.
“Well, we’re in for the night.”
“You’ve got food and bottled water? Blankets? Flashlights in case the power goes out?”
I looked at Ashton. He nodded.
“We have everything,” I said to Mom.
“Condoms?”
“Mom.”
“Do you have condoms?” she asked firmly.
“Yes!”
“Okay, then. Have a good night. Be careful,” she said.
I didn’t think she was talking about the snowstorm.
The atmosphere got super charged when I hung up. Ashton gazed steadily at me, his expression making my heart pound.
“Um, we should probably gather up the emergency stuff. In case the power does go out,” I said. “Flashlights, blankets, bottled water—”
“Devon, we don’t need to gather up all that stuff. We have a generator, so if we lose power, we have backup.”
“I’ll feel better if we have something close by. It’s the Girl Scout in me.”
He blinked rapidly. “You were a Girl Scout?”
“Once upon a time. Then we had to sell cookies. My troop took things way too seriously. I couldn’t deal with the pressure.”
He took my hand. “Let’s go get all the stuff. Everything’s in the mudroom. Except the blankets. Those are upstairs.”
Upstairs.
“Okay.”
I didn’t understand why I was suddenly so nervous, but he picked up on it right away and put his hand on my arm. “It’s only a blizzard. It’s supposed to be gone by morning.”
He had to know good and well that I wasn’t shaking because of the weather. He had to. We were alone. In his house. Would be all night long. And he was looking so good and smelling so yummy.…
Our conversation about having sex seemed like it had happened eons ago, and I was so ready to be with him. But the situation never seemed right. Too much homework. Too much parents being around. Not enough time.
But things were falling into place right now.
I hadn’t woken up planning to have sex with Ashton today. But now that the opportunity was here, I had every intention of it.
He fixed his eyes on mine and we stood there, gazing at each other. Could he tell what I was thinking? Did he have any idea that right now, my mind was filling with images of him and me, as close as we could possibly get?
He brushed a curl from my forehead. “Come on. Let’s gather everything, then we can relax.”
We dumped everything on the floor in the game room. Extra blankets, extra bottles of water, extra snacks. Of course snacks. I ran my finger along the edge of a pool table that was probably worth more than my mother’s car. “Your house seems even emptier when it’s cold outside.”
“This house,” Ashton said, looking around. “It used to give me nightmares. I thought it was going to swallow me.” His mouth turned down slightly. “It still makes me feel so small. Like I’ll never live up to what it expects from me.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Does depression run in your family?”
“If it does, I don’t know a thing about it.” He went into an imitation of his mother’s clipped voice. “Such things aren’t discussed.”
“What do you think?”
He picked up a pen and flipped it through his fingers. “I don’t know if anyone has it like I do, but I’m pretty sure it’s there.”
I slid my arms around his waist. Hugged him close. “Did you know that I think you’re amazing?”
He squeezed me back. “No. You are.”
I gave him a small smile. “There’s so much you don’t know.”
“I know. I want to learn, though. Everything.”
“Like what?”
“Does your family have any scandals I should know about?” Now he was twirling the pen like a baton.
“Well… did you know that I’m half Black?” I asked in an exaggerated whisper.
The laughter exploded out of him. “You are such a dork!”
“My mom’s side of the family looks like a Benetton ad.”
He tapped my nose with the pen. “What’s a Benetton?”
“Dad told me about it. It was this fashion campaign a long time ago that showed people of all races together. Didn’t see much of that back then, I guess, so it stood out.”
“What about your dad’s side?”
“From what I know, they’re all alike. Same chestnut hair. Same blue eyes and pale skin. I haven’t had much to do with them, though. I relate more to Mom’s side of the family. They never make me feel like I’m less than, or that I don’t belong because I’m not full Black.”
“You and your mom have such a cool relationship.”
“She’s the best. Fiercely loyal. She never let me feel ashamed of myself when white people said I was dirty and teased me about how big my hair was, or when Black people were calling me Oreo and zebra.”
The color drained from his face. “People called you dirty?”
I nodded. “Yep.”
“Fuckers. Let me get my hands on them.”
“I get it from both sides. The good and the bad.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Your father’s family?”
“Most of them flat-out stopped talking to him when he married Mom. It didn’t matter that she’d been around since forever. Marrying her crossed some kind of line, I guess.”
Ashton frowned. “That’s terrible.” He paused, then a look of sadness came over his face. “And it explains why my parents didn’t surprise you.”
I swallowed. “Have you ever wished I was white?”
The sadness turned to confusion. “Why would I wish that?”
“To avoid all of this”—I waved my hand around—“stuff. With your parents. Everyone. You know people have to be talking.”
He fixed his eyes on me, steady. Intent. “Do you ever wish you were white?”
I thought about his question for a long moment. There were some things I didn’t like about being who I was. Like wondering what people were thinking when they stared at me a little too long with downturned mouths and wrinkles in their foreheads. I didn’t like being hyperaware that I was different… or being reminded of it whenever I managed to forget for a few minutes.
But there was so much good that came with being me. My awesome mom and dad. Blair. School. And there were always the stars. So wanting to be someone else? Something else? I shook my head. “I never wish that.”
“Good. Because who you are? Is perfect. I hope you never forget that.”
“And you’re willing to put up with people’s attitudes about… our kind of relationship?”
“Devon, if I have to cuss some motherfuckers out, even if I have to kick the shit out of somebody, I’ll do it. I’m not going to let anyone come between us. So to answer your question: No, I don’t wish you were white. I don’t want you to be anything other than who you are. Because that’s who I love. I love every part of your heritage and your history and your now.”
My knees shook at the way his fingers trailed up and down my arms. The way he pressed against me. “I love you, Dev.”
I kissed him then. Slow. Tender. Intense. I couldn’t hold him tightly enough. I couldn’t get enough of the taste of him. Slightly salty. Slightly sweet. All him. All mine.
“Dev,” he said quietly, “wanna go upstairs?”
I knew what he was really asking.
“Yes.”
Chapter 26
ASHTON AND I WERE KISSING NOT EVEN FIVE SECONDS AFTER he closed the door behind us. Ten seconds after that, my sweater hit the floor. Then my bra. His T-shirt. He pulled me close and we kissed again. The feeling of his skin against mine, his strong heartbeat, his breath—I loved it all so much. I loved him so much. I let my fingers slide down his chest. His abs. Then I reached down to unbutton his jeans.
&nb
sp; He sucked in a breath and covered my hands with his. “Are you sure?”
I drowned in his deep, dark eyes. “Yes.”
He led me to his bed. Over and over our lips met, possessing each other, consuming each other, overcoming each other, and it still wasn’t enough. Would never be enough. I wanted… needed more of him. All of him.
With trembling hands, we finished undressing each other. I shivered as he looked at all of me.
“God, your skin,” he said, his voice shaking. “A real, live sunset. I need to touch you, Devon.”
“Do it,” I breathed. “I want you all over me.”
He moved his fingers lightly over my skin, sending jolts everywhere, making my breath come in short gasps. He trailed kisses down my body, taking me to the edge and withdrawing just in time, leaving me wanting. By the time he made his way back to my lips, I was aching for him.
“Now,” I gasped. “Please.”
He stroked my cheek with his thumb. “I’m going to go slow. I don’t want to hurt you.”
I nodded and watched as he put on the condom, his hands shaking.
“You’re nervous,” I whispered.
His eyes met mine as he moved close to me again. “Yeah.”
“But you’ve done this before.”
He put his hands on both sides of my face. “Not like this. Not when it matters so much.”
His skin warm against mine. His heart pounding against my chest. His breath tickling my lips.
My body tingling all over.
“Devon,” he murmured. “I love you.”
“I love you, too. So, so much.”
Slow and passionate, tender and warm. Sweaty flesh against flesh, sensation heightened beyond reason. His waterfall scent, his weight, his sweet, salty taste filled my senses, and there was so much of him right now… but it was still not enough. Would never be enough.
Our eyes locked as my body blossomed, little by little, to let him in more and then more. I took deep breaths, getting used to this new sensation. Getting used to moving with him. This was me and this was Ashton and this was us. There were no words, but I could feel him. I could feel him in a way that was beyond the physical, beyond cosmic, beyond anything I could understand or had ever experienced. And I could see him. All of him. Raw, vulnerable, naked. Mine.
After, we lay tangled up together, trembling and breathing hard. I didn’t want to say anything and break the spell we were under, and he seemed to sense that. He traced circles on my arms, and I buried my fingers in his hair. I floated in some sort of in-between place—a land of light dreams. Still aware that his arms were around me, but also on another plane. He held me until my heartbeat slowed and the sweat on my forehead cooled. Then we lay there, looking at each other, his expression tender, tranquil. Haunting.
“Dev? How are you feeling? Are you okay?”
I trailed a finger down his cheek. “More than.”
“A little freaked out?”
A small smile. “Yeah. Are you?”
“I never knew it could be so…”
“I know.”
“Yeah,” he said with a sigh. “It’s overwhelming, how much I feel right now.”
“Fragile,” I said. As if the slightest movement would shatter me.
“Was it really okay for you? I saw you screw up your face when I… when we were first together. Did it hurt?”
“A little. At first.”
“I’m sorry. I tried to be gentle.”
“And you were. Really. I’m fine.” I traced his lips with my thumb. “What about you? How was it for you?”
He didn’t answer for a long time. I checked to see if he’d fallen asleep, but he was wide awake, chewing on his lip. “Do you ever worry that things are going so good, something’s bound to come along and fuck everything up?”
I stared at him. “What? No.”
“I do,” he said. “Like right now. I’m too happy. It feels wrong to be this happy.”
“You think we’re wrong?”
“No! We’re perfect. And that’s why I’m so scared. The last time I felt this happy was that summer. And you know what happened then.”
I traced the scar on his wrist. “Ashton, I want you to be honest with me. Are you thinking about hurting yourself?”
“I just wish the wrong part would go away.”
“What if you focus on the best parts? About us? About tonight?”
“Okay.” He intertwined his fingers with mine. Now I couldn’t reach his scars. “Well,” he said after a pause, “there was the part where we kissed forever. And the part where you let me take off all your clothes and touch you everywhere. But my favorite part was you being so close to me.”
“Can we do it again? Soon?”
“Are you kidding me? We’re going to do it again and again and again. I have so much I want to show you.” His voice lowered. “So many things I want to do with you.”
“And it’ll always be messy and awkward? And then… wow.”
He raised his eyebrow. “You thought it was awkward?”
“At first, when we were… when you were… Hey, you said it’d be awkward!”
He kissed my forehead. “This is ours, Dev. Awkwardness and all. Is that okay?”
“It’s perfect.”
Chapter 27
“SOMETHING’S DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU,” BLAIR SAID MONDAY morning.
I shook snow off my coat and hung it in my locker. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
She tilted her head back and forth, studying my face. Then she nodded. “You slept with him.”
“Keep your voice down!” I glanced over at Ashton’s locker, but there was nothing to worry about. He wasn’t there to overhear anything, anyway.
Which sucked.
Yesterday morning, I got to be with him again, and I’d loved every minute of it. After, we’d had breakfast, then he took me home once the roads were clear. We talked on the phone last night. But I hadn’t seen him since… well, since Then.
I was desperate to see him.
Blair squeezed my arm. “My little Devvy is growing up.”
“You’re being creepy.”
She waggled her eyebrows. “What was it like? Was it like in the romance books? Did you see stars? Did he rock your world?”
“Oh my God, I’m not talking about this here!”
“Talking about what?” Tyrell appeared behind Blair and slid his arm around her shoulders.
“Our periods,” Blair said.
He nodded. “Cool.”
Blair gave him the kind of soppy look I never thought I’d see cross her face.
“Good morning, you lovely people!”
I held back a sigh. The sudden scent of strawberry shampoo and lip gloss could only mean one person. “Yes, Auden?”
She gestured to Tyrell. “So, like, you’re okay with him being all up on your girl?”
“We’re not lesbians, Auden,” Blair said.
“Wait, what?” Tyrell sputtered. “You thought Blair was into girls?”
Auden rolled her eyes. “I’m teasing. God. But to be honest, it would be nice to have some family at this school.” Then she turned slightly pink. “Pretend you didn’t hear that.”
I looked at Blair. Blair looked at me. Tyrell looked at Blair. Then we all looked at Auden.
Auden looked at me. “I really came over to talk to you.”
I shouldered my bag. “What’s up?”
“Calculus. Rumor has it that Professor McJunkin’s planning a pop quiz.”
What the heck? Girlfriend was never one to give away any intel that could take away her advantage. “Why are you telling me this?”
She grinned her smug grin. “My New Year’s resolution is to be nicer to my rivals. But I figured, why wait until some arbitrary date to start? So this is my kind deed to you, my dear rival, Devon.”
I blinked. “Okayyyy. Thanks, I guess?”
“See ya at Yearbook!” And then she was gone.
“This is such a we
ird day,” Blair said. “So many revelations. I need coffee.”
“Then let’s get you some coffee,” Tyrell said. “Catch ya later, Devon.”
Blair pointed to me. “We are definitely having a talk later, young lady.”
Young lady. Okay, Blair. I waved them off. Glanced at Ashton’s locker again.
He’d never shown.
Chapter 28
THE VIBRATING OF MY PHONE JOLTED ME FROM A SOUND sleep. I rubbed my eyes and focused on the display. Four in the morning. Christmas Day. A text from Ashton telling me he was on my front porch.
What the hell? I jumped out of bed, yanked on my yoga pants, and tiptoed to the front door so my parents wouldn’t hear me. “What are you doing here?”
“Can I come in?” he asked, his voice a fervent whisper. “It’s kind of cold.”
I pulled him inside. “You’re not supposed to be here until ten.”
He dropped the bag he was carrying and wrapped his arms around me. Buried his face in my neck.
“Hey.” I stroked his back. “What’s going on?”
He pulled away and stared at me. “I had to see you.”
“Everything okay?”
He didn’t answer. Instead he looked around, taking in the stockings hanging on the fireplace, the Christmas village on top of the entertainment center, the twinkling lights on the tree. Then he inhaled deeply. “Is that a real tree?”
I regarded the soft, fragrant needles. “We cut one down every year.”
“It smells so good.” He inhaled again. “This place is a Christmas wonderland.”
My dad grew up Catholic, but my family was not religious at all. Mom and Dad were spiritual and believed that every spiritual leader, and therefore every holiday, was important.
But Christmas was their favorite.
They were like little kids, tearing a ring off the countdown chain every day. Shaking presents under the tree and baking dozens of cookies. Watching A Christmas Story again and again while sucking on candy canes and snuggling in front of the fireplace.
“My parents go kind of overboard,” I said.
“It’s perfect, Devon.” He nibbled his bottom lip, eyes darting all around.
“Ashton?”
