by May Dawson
I didn’t know what to do with smile of his. If he saw the worst parts of me and he liked me anyway, that would make me feel lovable.
I always felt loved, thanks to my sister and her mates, but I didn’t always feel like I deserved it.
“I actually do like to drink.” I leaned away from the fire as it began to beat hot against my face, before feeding another stick into it. “And that was not what I expected you to say.”
“Even when I hate you, I don’t think you’re a bitch.”
“You make it sound like you’re going to go back to hating me soon.”
“Maybe. Hope not.” He nudged me with his foot. “Depends on if you tell me what it was you wanted to say.”
“You’re definitely going to hate me if I say it.”
“Try me. I think you’ll find for someone who’s usually spouting bullshit, I have an affinity for the truth.”
I raised an eyebrow at him. “It worries me when you sound self-aware.”
“I’m always self-aware. I just don’t usually share the details. It’s other people who lie to themselves.” He flashed me one of those signature Jensen smiles that carried so much of the wolf; it was a mix of boyish and handsome and predatory. “That’s why I’m so good at hurting people. I see the lies they cherish, and I take them away.”
“Yeah?” I tilted my head to one side, curious.
He shook his head. “Don’t ask me what your lies are. First I need you to speak the fuck up, Maddie. Finish your thought.”
My jaw set at his brusquely curious tone. Fine. He wanted the truth? He could have the truth.
“I thought we were calling a truce before,” I said. “When I saved your life.”
“Oh yeah, that,” he said. “I got really chatty when I thought I was going to be dead in twenty-four hours, huh?”
He spoke of it as though it was funny.
“It wasn’t a joke to me,” I said sharply.
“Our truce?” he asked skeptically. “I don’t remember ever agreeing to anything—”
“Not that,” I interrupted. “You being dead in twenty-four hours. They were going to kill you—don’t joke about it.”
“Why’d you care?” he sat forward. His bright golden eyes were fixed far too intently on my face. “I was nothing but cruel to you. I turned the school against you. I probably gave Faro the idea…” He trailed off, his jaw tensing.
I wasn’t as good at reading people as Jensen was, but even I could see the flicker of self-loathing before his mask slipped back into place. Protectiveness stabbed my chest. I hated that someone had convinced him he was trash. Having met Dean McCauley, I had a good idea of where that lie began.
“I’ll let you into a secret that almost all women know,” I said fiercely. “There are plenty of men who don’t need help getting that idea. And there are even more men who go along with it, who laugh at the jokes and turn their backs when they know something’s going wrong. So fuck your whole, I’m such a bad guy shtick. You’re an arrogant ass and you have a whole lot to work out in therapy, but you’re not a bad guy.”
Surprise flashed across his face, a flicker of vulnerability, before he raised his eyebrows. “That’s a hell of a pep talk, Maddie.”
“I’m not here for the self-loathing,” I said. “I’m not sure where you picked up all that damage but if you have names, I’d love to kick their asses.”
He stared at me for a second, then buried his head in his hands, his shoulders heaving with silent laughter. “I thought I’d lost my filter with the concussion, but you’re too fucking much.”
Hurt washed over me. “Right. The intensity…”
He looked up, and whatever he saw in my face made him stop. Suddenly he was on his knees next to me, catching the hem of my shirt and tugging me toward him. “I like it.”
I raised my eyebrows skeptically, and he said, “Seriously. I’m not laughing at you.”
“Then why are you laughing?”
“Because you surprise me, and I like being surprised.” He tilted his head to one side. “I can figure out most people. But you’re a wild card.”
“I’m sure they love wild cards at the academy.”
“We’re not at the academy right now.” He reeled me toward him, tugging on my shirt.
Quicker than thought, I leaned into him.
He pressed a sweet kiss to my lips.
His hands slid up my sides, under my damp t-shirt, and sent sparks flying across my skin. Sudden desire throbbed between my thighs. It didn’t matter what kind of mess we were in; the heat between us blazed in a second.
I pulled away from him first. “This is not a good idea.”
“Probably not,” he agreed.
I couldn’t trust his truce this time, not after last time when he turned around and went back to making me miserable.
Although, when I played back what he’d done, it didn’t seem so bad anymore. So he’d drawn a silly picture and called me out on the flaws we both knew I had. Whatever.
But maybe I was just losing my mind, because his warm gaze and handsome face flushed my body with heat.
He kissed the corner of my mouth, and I grabbed his shoulders, holding him away so I could study his face. “While you have no filter, I want you to incriminate yourself.”
His brows arched again, his lips quirking in amusement. “You can try.”
“Were you jealous? About my crush on Rafe?”
“Sounds to me like you’re incriminating yourself.”
“Who wouldn’t have a crush on Rafe?” I demanded. “He’s built like a god.”
“Me,” he said. “I wouldn’t. Also, what’s wrong with how I’m built?”
“You’re also built like a god, but he’s more Thor and you’re… Loki.”
“I’m Loki?” he sounded outraged. “I’m definitely the one with the hammer. Thor is the coolest.”
“I’m pretty sure you’re a trickster.”
“I’m pretty sure you’re confused, even though I’m the one who took the blow to the head.”
I was laughing when he kissed me again. He pushed me down, so I sprawled on the grass and leaves beside him, then he straddled me, covering my throat with kisses.
Fuck the truce.
I’d take war with Jensen if it felt like this.
He kissed me wildly, with as much passion in his kisses as in those flashing eyes. My inner thighs throbbed as lust pooled between them. My fingers tangled in his dark hair, pulling him close to me. Then I realized he’d hit his head badly earlier, and here I was kissing him recklessly.
“Wait,” I murmured. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
He kissed my shoulder, then looked up at me with molten fire in his eyes. “Do your worst.”
“Jensen, you’re hurt.” I sat up, pushing his shoulder to shove him down beside me. “Take off those wet clothes, and I’ll hang them up to dry.”
“Oh, you’re back to taking care of me.”
“You might find you like it,” I shot back. I pulled my still-damp t-shirt over my head, and his eyes sparked with desire.
I hung my shirt and jeans over nearby branches, then returned to him. He yanked off his t-shirt, revealing his big shoulders, the nipple ring that flashed under the moonlight. As he got to his feet, he staggered.
“Yeah, that’s why,” I said, catching his arm. “I don’t want you brain-damaged forever.”
“Well, I’m probably going to disappoint you then.”
“We can’t,” I said. “You’re not…”
“Northsea,” he interrupted. “I’ve wanted you since the first time I saw you. Don’t get it twisted.”
“Convenient,” I shot back. “Sit.”
To my surprise, Jensen McCauley sat. His posture was still perfectly straight, and he watched me as I hung his t-shirt to dry over a tree branch.
“Let me prove it to you with a story,” he said. “The first time I saw you was lunch at that prospective student tour. I knew the two of us would end up here, and I hat
ed the idea.”
“Here, specifically?” I asked, my voice light and teasing. “In the woods being hunted by god-fucking-knows-who?”
“I was light on the details,” he admitted.
“The student lunch where you pissed off Lex?” I wasn’t sure if I was reminding him or reminding myself of how Jensen made me unwelcome that first day.
We were enemies. Sometimes.
“I always piss off Lex. I’ll admit, it’s a convenient perk if I can win you over. He’ll fucking hate it.”
I hesitated. “I don’t want to deal with jealousy. I actually already have a complicated thing—”
“With Penn?” Jensen ran his hand through his dark hair, looking at me with an expression I couldn’t read. “That’s fine. Bring him.”
“Excuse me?”
“Penn’s a good guy,” he said. “He doesn’t like me much, but I don’t hold that against him. He might get over it if we bond with the girl we both like.”
He flashed me one of those Jensen winks.
I raised my hand. “You’re blowing my mind right now.”
“Why? You grew up with it, right?”
“It’s the part where you said the girl we both like that I can’t deal with.” I still couldn’t imagine the tangled mess of my relationships straightening out into one tidy, functional relationship. It was hard to imagine myself bonded with multiple men who loved each other and who loved me most of all.
“Why? Is this your own self-loathing shit?”
I shook my head. “I definitely don’t hate myself. Isn’t that the other fault everyone complains about? I’m as arrogant as you all are, but it’s not cute when a girl is cocky and smirking. That’s the men’s department.”
“I like you cocky and smirking.” He quirked his finger at me, summoning me over. “But there’s one problem with your theory. Usually, arrogance covers self-loathing.”
“Nah. With me, what you see is what you get.” I closed the distance between us, flashing him a smile.
“I don’t think so, Maddie.” His voice had gone quiet, and he looked at me as if he saw right through me. Jensen always looked at me like that, like I was naked in front of him; all my moments of pettiness and pride were revealed.
But maybe he liked me anyway.
Maybe he even liked my flaws.
“Let’s meet each other’s demons another day, Jensen,” I said, and my voice had gone soft too.
“Then kiss me and shut me up,” he said. He flashed me a grin that was both genuine and a shift back to his usual, in-control, cool demeanor. “I want you so fucking bad, Northsea. I always have.”
I knew that, when I had sex with him, I wouldn’t be getting him out of my system. I’d told myself that lie before.
But I’d always want Jensen McCauley. Always and forever.
“We are both so damaged,” I muttered. “Not even counting the recent injuries.”
He held his arms out to me, the expression on his face confident but with an edge of uncertainty in his eyes. He didn’t know if I would come to him. His body was so big and solid; he was well over six feet, protective and muscular. He’d ripped our enemies apart, and we were safe from them for now.
Were we safe from each other, though?
I was betting he wouldn’t hurt me again. I didn’t want to hurt him. Yet even as I hesitated, his face changed. Hurt crept in his eyes, despite the cocky smile still plastered across his face.
Time to be brave.
“I want you too,” I confessed. “Always have.”
I closed the distance between us. When I pressed myself into the hard planes of his chest, he closed his arms around me so tightly I could feel his heart beating fast against my cheek.
Maybe this was the start of us both being brave in a whole new way.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Jensen caught my jaw with two of his fingers, turning my face up to his. His lips seared to mine. I kissed him back, nudging his lower lip until his mouth parted.
As our kisses deepened, his other hand skimmed my back. His fingertips trailing over the curve of my skin sent desire arcing through my body.
“You’re so short,” he muttered. He leaned over me, his arm wrapped around my waist. He kissed me again, his lips soft above that big jaw, but I pulled away.
“I’m not short,” I retorted, refusing to be distracted by his lips against mine. Then I kissed him again before I added, “You’re monstrously oversized.”
He leaned back, quirking an eyebrow, and before he could say anything more, I grabbed his shoulders.
Jensen’s lips arched in a playful smile as he resisted, just for a second, and then he let me push him down to his knees. He knelt in front of me, his expression as smug as ever as he gazed up at me.
“There,” I said. “More level playing ground. Since you were complaining.”
“Trying to tame me?” he asked, his tone mild. His hands cupped my hips, drawing me toward his kneeling body until my hips were against his chest. He nuzzled the rough stubble covering his jaw across my stomach.
“I wouldn’t dream of it, Jensen,” I said. Sometimes, I appreciated his wildness.
When he kissed my stomach, the soft caress of his lips sent flutters through my body. One of his big hands stroked my breast, and when his thumb brushed over my nipple, my knees weakened.
He looked up at me, his gaze mischievous. His hands swept up my thighs, then tightened just below the curve of my ass. I moaned at the intimate touch, and my hips swayed against his chest, betraying how much I wanted him.
Suddenly, he pulled me toward him, yanking my legs out from underneath me. I hit the ground smoothly, my hands slapping the earth the way I was taught to fall. The impact spiked my adrenaline, but didn’t hurt.
Jensen straddled me, one big arm on either side of my hips.
I pressed my bare foot against his chest, and he stopped. His gaze met mine curiously.
“Does everything have to be a fight?” I demanded. Normal, emotionally-healthy men probably didn’t tackle their woman to the ground.
On the other hand, I supposed normal, emotionally-healthy women don’t shove their men to their knees, either.
“I don’t fight with anyone else like I fight with you,” he said, his voice husky.
He stroked his hand across my mound, his thumb sliding against my clit. He didn’t push forward, but paused with my bare toes still pressed against his pecs. He watched me with patient amusement written across his face, his thumb working slow circle across my clit, which suddenly throbbed.
“Oh, you sweet talker.” My voice came out huskier than ever before.
He continued toying with my clit until heat flushed my core. I let my knee fall to one side, my foot slipping off his body, welcoming him in.
He leaned forward and kissed me, long searing kisses that reminded me of wildfire. I caught him with an arm around his shoulders, my hips rocking up against his. The hard swell of his cock slipped between my legs. My body flushed hot as his tip teased between my thighs.
He broke away, his eyes smoldering with golden fire. Then he stroked my cheek with his knuckle. “Does the ground hurt your back?”
“I don’t care right now,” I told him fervently.
He grinned at my tone, then said, “Well, I care. I’m not returning you bruised and damaged to the academy. The guys would kill me.”
Right now, being bruised didn’t sound bad at all. Having rough sex with Jensen felt authentic for who the two of us were. “Oh, don’t disappoint me.”
He laughed out loud, as if I’d surprised him again. Then he grabbed my waist with his arm and rolled with me, pulling me on top of him.
He sprawled on the ground tucking one arm under his head, looking as comfortable and in-control as ever, even in this forest we’d left littered with dead bodies.
“I don’t want to hurt you either,” I reminded him.
With my knees to either side of his narrow hips, I took his cock in my hand, and his breath gav
e. Then I pressed his tip against my core, rubbing him against my throbbing core. I toyed with him in rhythmic circles around my clit, drawing him through the wetness there.
“I’ll risk it,” he muttered. His teeth gritted as I teased him. Then his big hands cupped my hips, his fingertips skimming the curve of my ass. I ground down, unable to help myself, and he grinned.
Everything was a fight for control. I rubbed him quicker against my clit, then slowed my pace abruptly, reversing directions, drawing him in slow circles across my opening.
His breath shifted. “Fuck, Northsea.”
“Yeah?”
Then his fingertips skimmed farther down the curve of my ass, drifting inward, and I gasped as he teased me. Heat flooded my core at his touch. No one had ever touched me like that before, and I flashed him a look that made him grin.
“I can’t tell if you’re indignant or turned on,” he said.
“Possibly both,” I said. Someone had to end our stand-off—although I looked forward to fighting him for control many, many times in the future—so I abruptly slid down his cock.
The two of us gasped in tandem as his cock slid deep inside me. I sank lower, taking his almost-painful size in, until my thighs pressed against the hard edges of his abs.
I rose onto my knees, until the tip of his cock slipped free, and then slid down again, all the way, pressing myself hard against him.
He groaned, and I tossed my hair back, relishing the power I felt as I rode him. His face was alive with pleasure. I moved slowly, each movement controlled, until he bit his lower lip.
Then his hands around my hips tightened, and he began to move me up and down, aligning me to his pace. His hips rolled up, the base of his cock massaging my clit.
The two of us moved together. I raked my fingers through my hair as my body flushed hot; the throb in my clit, the sudden tension in my limbs, it was all almost unbearable.
“You’re so sexy when you play with your hair,” he murmured, his gaze softening as he watched my hands in my hair.
I smiled down at him, the two of us still rocking in tandem, as I pushed my hair back from my face and shook it down my bare back.
He added, “It fucking kills me when I’m supposed to be focused on something else and you touch your hair.”
