by May Dawson
Heat flared in his eyes at the suggestion before his lips tightened. Yep, that was Rafe; in control again.
But no matter what he said, I was sure now he felt the bond between us.
He went on as if I hadn’t spoken, although it seemed to take some effort. “You’ll be on restriction until Thanksgiving. Mandatory study hours, confined to the barracks. You’ll have additional training sessions in hand-to-hand. Apparently you’re determined to put yourself in danger, so you need to learn to protect yourself. You and Jensen are going to be too fucking tired to be a pain in my ass.”
Well, it was better than being expelled.
I nodded. “Yes, sir.”
“That’s it?” he asked. “You’re not going to try to get out of it?”
I shook my head. Guilt still ate away at me for putting Rafe in danger, for that moment when he’d twisted to take the gunshot that should have hit me.
“I would do it all again,” I said, and as anger sparked in his eyes, I hurried on, “I’d help Jensen. He needed this. But it was stupid. We should have trusted you and Lex… We should have come to the team. We didn’t know then.”
“Didn’t know what?”
“That you’d actually have our backs.”
The words hung between us, and he stared at me. His dark eyes in that handsome face were no longer angry.
“Always, Northsea.” He started to head away, then added, “There is one last reprieve before your sentence begins, though. Go see Lex.”
Curiosity—and a thrill of hope—washed over me. “What is it?”
He fixed me with that signature Rafe glare. “Was I unclear?”
But it was hard to hide my smile when I said, “No, sir. I’m on my way.”
Chapter Fifty-Five
When I found Lex, he was waiting outside our house, leaning against his car. Penn and Tyson were with him.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“We’re going to visit your sister,” Lex said. “And Rafe and I agreed to an equal custody split whenever we separate because you kids drive us nuts. So these guys are coming along.”
I barely registered the insults that made Penn roll his eyes. I hugged Lex, and he laughed as he put his arm around me and squeezed—although he side-hugged me, our shoulders touching and not much else. That was new. He quickly untangled himself, but he grinned.
“Really,” Tyson said, ruffling my hair, “we just figure you need bodyguards. And I fought Jensen for it.”
“Literally?” I asked, because I didn’t trust them not to fight literally.
“You and Jensen are going to have plenty of time together from what I heard,” Lex said over the top of the car, before he slid into the driver’s seat.
I groaned. “Don’t remind me.”
As we drove, I told them, “You know, I grew up with bodyguards. My sister’s mates were always around when I was a kid, even as Piper tried to make sure I had the trappings of a more-or-less normal childhood.”
“More or less normal?”
“Does anyone really have a normal childhood?” I asked.
At least in this car we all carried damage from our families, from our packs, from our upbringings. But we were all so much more than our damage.
“Fair point.”
We laughed and talked on the way to my sister’s house. It was going to be a whirlwind trip with the last of our weekend, but I was so excited to see those babies. Piper was fine, but I wouldn’t really believe it until I saw her.
When we pulled into the driveway, I had the door open before Lex could even put the brakes on.
“Holy hell, this is why you need bodyguards!” Tyson yelled, grabbing my shoulder as I was about to jump out of the car.
Lex slammed on the brake, but he laughed.
“I wish that was why I needed bodyguards,” I said. The possibility someone would come after me again because I was a pack princess, because my magic was valuable to the witches and my womb was valuable to the packs, was terrifying. I’d never forget that shifter threatening to sell me to witches on the black market.
But for right now, none of that mattered. Tyson released my shoulder, and I dashed out of the car and up the porch steps.
“No hug?” Finn demanded as I raced past him.
“Go hug Lex! I’m sure he needs one right now!” I said as I headed up the stairs.
Piper was in her bedroom, and when I burst in, she looked wan and lovely. One of the babies slept in the bassinette next to her bed, and she nursed the other.
Whispering, I asked, “So did you give me sweet baby nieces?”
“I gave you one of each,” she murmured. “Come hold this milk-drunk baby for me so I can eat with two hands. Don’t you dare wake the other one.”
I slipped into bed beside her and took the small bundle. A few of the guys followed me into the room.
I was anxious about how to hold her, but Josh was there suddenly, fixing my hands and making sure I supported her head. Her tiny little fist curled up next to her face. “Her hand is so tiny.”
“It’s all very magical,” Piper said, but Seb came in just then with a toasted bagel-and-cream-cheese and Piper began to stuff it into her face.
“Thank you,” she told him. “Carbs are also magical.”
“It’s good to have you home, Maddie, even if it’s just for four hours.” Seb flashed me one of those warm smiles of that lit his green eyes.
“It is so good,” my sister said. “And also, we need to have a talk.”
And just like that, the guys cleared out of the room.
“Thanks guys,” I muttered. “Thanks for the save.”
Piper rolled her eyes. “You’re not in trouble.”
“Are you sure?”
“Should you be?” she shot back.
She stuffed the last of the bagel in her mouth and leaned back into the pillows, sighing. My dignified and glamorous sister had a spot of cream cheese on her lip, but I wasn’t going to tell her. “These babies make me so hungry. I’m never going to lose the baby weight.”
“It’s been three days. You don’t need to think about the baby weight.” She started to say thank you, but I was already adding, “Your uterus is still freakishly large.”
“Thanks,” she said, far more tartly.
But it was hard not to notice the shape of her belly under the blankets, which was kind of unsettling to me, now the occupants had been evicted.
“Anyway, you can’t be in trouble with me,” she said, “as long as you never, ever comment on my uterus again. You’re all grown up.”
“I don’t feel grown-up,” I admitted.
“Yeah, welcome to the club,” she said. “No one ever does. But you still get to make grown-up decisions and suffer grown-up consequences.”
“People still get in trouble in the packs,” I said, thinking of Lex’s scars, of Penn’s and Tyson’s burdens back at their own packs. “Even if they shouldn’t.”
“But not you,” she said. “You’re not in any pack.”
“I’m in your pack.”
She shook her head. “Not really, Maddie. You’ll form your own pack. Your own family.”
“But you’re my family…” I said, but I couldn’t stop thinking about that word, familia, on my lips, and how much had changed.
“Always,” she said. “All of us. But eventually, you’ll make your own family too.”
“I think I already am,” I said, frowning. “Not that it’s going well.”
“If it were easy,” she said, “it wouldn’t be family.”
“That’s a dark thought, Piper.” As soon as I’d said the words, the memories of all the darkness in my shared past with Piper flashed before my eyes.
Piper had always been there for me, and it had cost her something. She’d chosen to be my family. No spell had forced her to watch out for me. She’d chosen herself to protect me from the beatings our ‘father’ doled out by taking them herself. Then she’d chosen to raise me in the strange gap afterward, w
hen she wasn’t a mother but was more than a sister. None of that had been easy.
But I’d do anything for her and she’d do anything for me. I felt loved and safe when I was with her.
And those men of mine, they all needed to feel loved and safe too. They didn’t have that with their own backgrounds.
Maybe someday, we’d be the family we all needed.
After a while, the guys gently kicked me out so Piper could nap while two of her men took baby-duty. I left Arthur cooing at the baby he jiggled on his massive chest, pacing up and down with her, and headed downstairs.
Lex sat in the library, reading on the long leather sectional next to the softly crackling fire.
“Was this your idea or Rafe’s?” I asked as I sat on the arm of the couch beside him.
Rafe was the one who had sent me to find him. But I’d bet Lex was the one who fought for my day off.
“None of your business, cadet,” Lex said.
Of course neither of them would want credit for doing something nice for me.
“There is one thing I wanted to talk to you about, though,” he added.
“Oh?”
“I did the wrong thing,” he said without hesitation.
Butterflies rose in my stomach. “Are you going to be more specific?”
He pulled a rueful face as he raked his hand through his hair. “It’s been every choice since you came to the academy. I’ve made the wrong one every time. I tried to stay away from you, to let you figure things out on your own when you were being bullied, because I didn’t trust myself to be impartial.”
I chewed my lower lip. I’d felt abandoned by Lex, and from the pained expression on his face, he knew it. He knew he’d hurt me.
He added, “Well, I’m not impartial. I think you’re amazing.”
I started to smile before he added, “And I did the wrong thing when you and I were…close.”
“Lex. You don’t need to be a hero.” I was the only one smiling, and as he shook his head, my own grin fell away.
“I’m supposed to be your teacher,” he said. “I shouldn’t have put you in that situation.”
“I wanted to be in that situation,” I argued, remembering the rain falling on both of us. The rain whipping around us had been so cold, but I’d been warm with the heat of his body against mine. I’d been just as warmed by his passion for me, by knowing it was hidden but still there.
“I know,” he said. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Lex—”
“I thought about leaving,” he said, his voice tense. “I thought maybe it’d be better for you if I just… took myself out of the picture.”
“Where would you go? The academy is your home.” The memory of that awful place he came from almost choked me. He’d even been willing to go back and win them over for us—had he planned, all along, that maybe he would leave me behind?
He shook his head. “I could graduate early.”
“No,” I said. “Lex. Goddamn it—you want to be fair to me? Then listen to me. I’m telling you what I need.”
He raked his hand through his hair, but met my gaze steadily. “I’m listening.”
“Stay,” I said. “Don’t give up on me.”
“Maddie.” He leaned toward me, his gaze intent. “That’s not what I’m saying. I could never give up on you.”
“Then you can’t give up on yourself either,” I shot back. I wanted to tell him I still loved him, but after everything that had happened between us, I faltered. “I…care about you. I still do—no matter what’s happened between us.”
He hesitated. “Okay. If that’s what you want—if you’re sure—I’ll stay.”
“It’s what I want.” I caught his hand in mine.
Just for a second, he squeezed my fingers in his. Then he gently pulled away from me. Our hands fell apart as he rose from the couch.
“I’m going to try to be a better man, Northsea.”
Northsea. He was putting distance between the two of us again.
For some reason, the ring in my jewelry box rose to my mind. I’d still been wearing that fake engagement ring when I woke up in the hospital bed. I hoped maybe one day, Lex would give it to me all over again.
I met his gaze evenly. “You’re already a good man, Lex.”
“A good man wouldn’t have hurt you like I did.” His mouth twisted. “But I’ll be there if you need me. Even after everything, you’ve been there for me.”
I stared up at him, trying to figure out what to say. We couldn’t date while we were at the academy. That hadn’t changed.
He inclined his head to the kitchen. “Come on. Let’s make the most of your last bit of freedom before we head back to the academy.”
Everything I’d seen about Lex’s life left me aching with new understanding of why he was the way he was. I understood now, after seeing a house where he could never trust anyone, why he overreacted so much to a misunderstanding. And I understood how much he hated himself for breaking the academy’s rules. The academy had saved him.
When he gave me a small smile, as if it was nothing for us to wait until he had graduated to be together, it felt like my heart tore in two.
But I made myself smile anyway.
“Back to Hell, you mean?”
Chapter Fifty-Six
When I answered the knock on my door the next night, Jensen McCauley leaned in the door frame. He took up the whole doorway, with his tall, athletic frame. His face was the blank mask that gave nothing away.
Was our truce permanent? Or was it over now that we were back at school, no matter what he’d promised before. I crossed my arms as I gazed up at him. “Yes?”
“I have something for you,” he told me. He jerked his head down the hall. “Come over to my room?”
Where Jensen was concerned, morbid curiosity would always compel me.
There was an ache in my chest. I wished he would just tell me if we were back to the bullshit or if everything would really be different between us now.
“Lead on,” I said, because nothing between us was ever that simple.
The hall was empty. Jensen held his door open for me, and as I ducked under his arm, it brought me dangerously close to his chiseled body. I tucked my hair behind my ears as I turned to face him in the center of the room.
“What is it?” I asked.
He shut the door behind him. “I told you I like poetry too.”
“You’re always full of surprises,” I said guardedly. I wasn’t sure where this was leading.
“Good or bad?” He cocked his head to the side, studying me curiously. He had that usual Jensen air of detachment, as if he’d be amused by my answer. But I wasn’t sure it was real.
I swallowed my first quick, glib remark about how it depended on the day, but found myself tucking my hair behind my ears yet again as if it was my new nervous tic. Something about Jensen’s gaze made me come a bit undone.
“Lately, they’ve been good,” I said cautiously.
“But you’re waiting for me to turn back into an asshole,” he filled in.
“Yeah. Yeah, I am. I don’t want things to back to the way they were.”
“Me either,” he said. “But I know just saying it isn’t enough. You’re not going to believe me.”
I never meant to hurt his feelings. “Jensen—”
He shook his head, cutting me off. “No, it’s all right. I don’t blame you.”
Tension rippled between us.
Abruptly, he added, “I don’t write much poetry, even though I like reading it, but I do write songs.”
“Definitely another entry in the surprise department.”
He touched my arm as he passed me, as if he was making sure his big body didn’t brush against mine by accident, and that familiar, gentle touch sent a pang through me.
“Did you write me a song?” I teased.
“Yep,” he said. He picked up his guitar, then paused, his long fingers splayed across the strings. There was uncertainty written
across his handsome face that I wasn’t used to. “I mean, I wrote it about you. Because you get in my head like a shitty pop song you can’t stop humming….”
“I hope like a shitty pop song made it into the lyrics,” I said. “Very romantic.”
“You’re not making this any easier.” He sat on the bed, propping his foot up on a blue plastic milk crate as he pulled his guitar across his lap. “But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. You do like to make things difficult.”
“Me?”
“You,” he said, then began to strum his guitar.
His long, deft fingers played quickly over the strings, coaxing a haunting melody out of the guitar. It made me think of how perfectly he’d whistled the hanging tree when he was waiting to die at the hands of Faro’s pack, which made me feel a familiar protective urge—as if a man well over six feet tall, who could shift into a wolf, needed my protection.
Well, maybe Jensen did, in his own way.
Jensen was good. There was a look of stern concentration written across his handsome face as he looked down at his guitar, and his legs were spread as he sat on the edge of the bed, his corded forearm draped over the top of the guitar. I was always drawn to Jensen, but watching him play made me ache to break his concentration, to distract him from his music as I sat beside him…
“You,” he sang, and my gaze swept back to his face, but he was intent on his guitar. “You always make me crazy, and I should never call you baby.”
“I take it this isn’t a love song,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. If Jensen McCauley called me in here to sing a song about how he still hated me, there was a real possibility I’d punch him in the nose again—on purpose, this time.
“Shut up and listen for once, Northsea,” he said, without looking up from his guitar. His voice was low and sexy as he went on, no matter how guarded I felt at the moment.
“I can never tell if we’re fighting or flirting. Over and over again, I leave you hurting. Anyone with any common sense would say, you and I should each go our own way. But from the first time I saw you, I knew I was fucking done. You didn’t even try, but I guess you won.” His fingers quickened on the strings as the tune shifted into the refrain.
